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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767965">Ivity and Anx</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thennevermind/pseuds/thennevermind'>thennevermind</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Has An Eating Disorder, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Has Self-Esteem Issues, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Swearing, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, hes not really in the fic but hes mentioned a lot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:41:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>87,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767965</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thennevermind/pseuds/thennevermind</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Virgil and Roman hate each other to the core of their beings, but both become friends with a new stranger via the Sarrahas Project. Virgil takes to Creativity like Roman does to Anxiety, but they don’t know the true identity of the ones they are slowly falling for.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi its me again back on my bullshit. this is a fic i originally posted (and finished) on my tumblr over at @fearfilledvirgil and finally thought "hey, i should post that on ao3." honestly i hate this fic up until chapter 13, where it actually starts getting better and longer bc i got my beta reader/co-writer @lovecrazyjennybear over on tumblr. I'm just gonna mass post this so apologies in advance to anyone who's subscribed to me and gets like 25 notifications</p><p>anyway, content warnings for the prologue are: Brief mention of suicide, mention of Deceit, mention of emotional and mental abuse, mentions of low self-image, mentions of low self-esteem, few swears</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone assumed that everything was perfect in Roman’s life. He was popular, had good grades, was liked by the teachers, and his music career was starting to take off at the early age of seventeen. He had everything, right? No one could possibly guess that the one who seemed to have it all together was falling apart on the inside. He kept up the facade with bright smiles, dramatic poses, and loudly voicing anything he had to say. It wasn’t clear that Roman was struggling so deeply.</p>
<p>Everyone assumed that everything was horrible in Virgil’s life. He only had one friend, no one knew what his grades were like, the teachers generally despised him, and there was a multitude of people who flinched when he even looked at them. It was just a matter of when he would finally try and off himself. He had nothing, right? No one could possibly guess that the one who seemed to love when he made people cry was scared of the world around him. He kept up the facade with dark grimaces, threatening stances, and hiding the scared undertones that laced his mean remarks. He was terrified of people getting close, so he pushed everyone away in the only way he knew how: by being scary.</p>
<p>So what do they do to try and combat the daily shitshow they have to wade through? The internet. Of course, that probably was an obvious option. Everyone was online these days, and it was amazing, but sometimes it wasn’t.</p>
<p>Roman had a hard time with the internet. He had an Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter that he had to update regularly. He even had a YouTube channel for his lyric or music videos, when they came out. Since his fame was on the steady incline, he couldn’t actually be himself online anymore. He had a manager now, one who monitored every post he made and comment he received, deciding what he could and could not post. It wasn’t like in the beginning, before he was even noticed by the record label, where he could freely flaunt his sexuality and ask for advice on his burdens. The things that made Roman specifically Roman were deleted and forced to hide, instead only posting what Princey, the perfect teen pop star to the public, would be like.</p>
<p>Virgil loved the internet. Granted, he only had a small YouTube account for theory videos and the occasional cover, a Tumblr for general shenanigans and writing, and a MySpace account he rarely uses. He was free to talk about his emotional and physical state- and his sexuality- with no repercussions. (Except the occasional anon hate, but everybody got those.) His asshole, shitshow of a father didn’t care what he did online, as long as he couldn’t see it. The only people who truly knew him, about everything he had to offer, were online.</p>
<p>And that’s where the Sarrahas Project came into play. Virgil had been one of the first to sign up for it. Hell, one of his online friends was one of the Sara’s that ran the project. Roman, on the other hand, fell into finding the Project completely by accident. He accidentally saw it out of the corner of his eye on his recommendation page on Insta, and happened to be bored enough to click on the post. </p>
<p>And that’s precisely the moment both of the boy’s lives changed for the better.</p>
<p>The Project itself was simple. Those who were struggling with mental illnesses or disorders were paired up with someone else who was struggling. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t something that could replace professional help by a long shot, but it was something. It connected two people who were struggling, and sometimes knowing that someone out there is hurting like you are is what you need.</p>
<p>Virgil got assigned to one of the other firsts to sign up, but he apparently got the wrong idea from the project. Deceit, as he called himself, drained him of energy, while also draining him of positivity. Whenever he felt drained by talking with Deceit, he felt like he should be able to help, but he couldn’t. By being drained and not wanting to talk to him, Virgil began to feel useless. When he felt useless he got hard on himself, and then his self-hate escalated. He eventually asked Sara (the Sara out of Sara, Sarra, Sarah, and Saraha of the Sarrahas Project) to connect him with someone else. It wasn’t until he told Sara what Deceit was like that Virgil noticed how much he was downplaying the emotional and mental manipulation. Virgil created @flightorfightamiright, a new user to leave behind his old brand to get away from the toxic “friendship” that Deceit convinced him that was normal for most friends. Since Virgil no one but the very-not-normal-in-a-good-way Logan to compare anything to (and sorta Sara, but they mostly ramble about memes), he believed him. </p>
<p>Roman got into the Project late, mainly because he didn’t have a Tumblr before he stumbled upon it. He was surprised that he was able to join eight months late and was connected with someone so soon. From his user of @shhhimcreatingrn, the one he connected with crowned him Creativity. He didn’t mind the nickname, and didn’t bother telling them anything else to call him.</p>
<p>Roman thinks he liked Anxiety, the boy he was paired with. He was the same age as him, but not stuck in the world of performing. He was really nice to talk to, refreshing, and he loved his stupid punny nicknames. They talked about everything, from bullying, peer pressure, and body image to gender, sexuality, and depression. </p>
<p>Virgil thinks he liked Creativity, the second boy he was paired with. He was different than Deceit, in that he let Virgil talk about his own problems first. Further, the two didn’t just talk about their problems. They talked about things like sexuality and mental illnesses, yes, but also Disney, theater, and puns. Creativity was a lot to handle in the fact he was very flamboyant, but he was easy and fun to talk to.</p>
<p>If only the two realized that they knew and despised each other in the non-digital world, where mean comments and rough pushes were exchanged with real names and fake facades. </p>
<p>Virgil hated Roman Prince. He is the popular one, the one that everyone wants to hang around. He signed his locker and every desk he sat at, and paid the school to not wash off the graffiti. He’s cocky and arrogant, something that Virgil always disliked about the pop star. Princey-Roman’s stage name-bumped into people in the hall without even apologizing. It had happened to Virgil multiple times, but that just might be because he’s invisible to literally everyone, except Roman apparently.</p>
<p>Roman couldn’t stand Virgil Sanders. He was stubborn and had such a thick skull that nothing could get through. He always darkened the room when he walked in, his purple hair and gothic clothes unnerving everybody. He bumped into people in the hallway without apologizing, and Roman only knew this because it’s happened to him multiple times. Roman has had multiple confrontations with the standoffish boy, one of which ended with a bloody nose and a bruised cheek. </p>
<p>Virgil thought Roman was a bully who didn’t give anyone but the popular people the time of day, but he also thought that Creativity was one of the easiest people to talk to who didn’t like being as popular as he was.</p>
<p>Roman thought Virgil was a bully who hated the world and everyone in it, but he also thought Anxiety struggled through so much shit that he deserved to have a tense outlook on the world. </p>
<p>Neither realized that fateful day they met online would forever change the way they thought about their most hated enemy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s been a month and a half since Virgil and Roman anonymously connected online without knowing they were spilling their darkest worries and secrets to the person they dislike most.</p>
<p>content warnings: Implied eating disorder, implied past self-harm, mention of mental breakdown, mention of past abusive friendship, mentions of mutual severe dislike</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>shhhimcreatingrn: Good morning Anxiety~<br/>Anxiety<br/>A n x<br/>A<br/>N<br/>X<br/>I<br/>E<br/>T<br/>Y<br/>Anxy boy<br/>Anx babe answer meeeeee<br/>Annnxiieettttyyyyyyyy<br/>I’m lonely<br/>You’ve left me<br/>I’m all alone now<br/>After a month and a half I’m alone<br/>Anx Anx where are yoouuuu</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Jesus Creativity I was in the shower<br/>Wait did you call me babe?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Doesn’t matter<br/>Anyways don’t you usually shower at night? Why in the morning?? You good?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Yeah well I had another mental breakdown last night and actually fell asleep so <br/>But I’m okay honestly </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I’m sorry Anx <br/>But at least you got sleep and didn’t do anything right?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: I know it was a blessing<br/>And yeah I’m still clean</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I heard there was a flash mob happening at a school in Orlando area <br/>You participating??</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Nah I don’t sing in public</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ah come on your voice is beautiful</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Yeah well only you think so<br/>Shit I gotta go, Logic is here<br/>Don’t forget to eat an apple okay Ivity?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ok I will, by(e) Fall Sad Boy</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Promise you will?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I promise </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Good<br/>Bye mr pun-a-lot</p>
<p>Virgil looked up from his phone once more, placing the object into his pocket as he grabbed his bag. It’s only been a month and a half, but that small smile was resting on his face that usually made an appearance after he talked with Creativity. A horn outside his window blared again, making Virgil rush out the door. As soon as he stepped into the cold morning air, Virgil pulled his black hoodie tighter around himself. Considering the colder wind, he was glad he wore his heavier hoodie instead of his black bomber jacket or his leather one. </p>
<p>Waiting out on the street was a dark blue Prius. The driver inside was about to honk the horn again, but held back once he saw Virgil rush out the door. He unlocked the car, one hand still on the steering wheel, with a slightly annoyed look on his face. He pushed up on the sleeves of his rolled-up dark blue button in annoyance. </p>
<p>“You must stop pushing the time window we have to get to school, Virgil,”  Logan spoke with a slight grimace, putting the car into drive once his passenger clicked in his seatbelt. “We can’t be late to our first classes again.”</p>
<p>Virgil and Logan lived in the same neighborhood, although on different sides of said housing development. They lived far enough from the school that they couldn’t walk, but close enough to still be in the district. So, along with Logan getting a car for his sixteenth birthday, he took it upon himself to bring Vigil from the outskirts of the school district to their school campus. </p>
<p>“Yeah well, I also need to get a car but here we are.” Virgil retorted with a playful smile. </p>
<p>“You never cease to amaze me with how you can retort so easily. Is it an emotion thing?” Logan put on his blinker as he stopped at the light before the neighborhood.</p>
<p>“Oh shut up Lo. Just because I call you Logic online doesn’t mean that you don’t have emotions.” Virgil took out his phone and began fiddling with it as he spoke.</p>
<p>“You’re using nom de plumes-? Is it because your safety is at risk again, because if it is I will not hesitate to-“ Virgil cut off Logan with a shake of the head and a pleading glance. He already proved his father right that people online were dangerous with Deceit, and he didn’t need Logan to doubt him too. Not to mention that it hurt like a motherfucker to reopen that wound. “My apologies. It isn’t wise to jump to conclusions I,” Logan paused again, hiding his concern with concentration on merging lanes. “I know how much Creativity means to you.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Lo. You know I… really only have him and you so… it’s not like what it was with him, I promise.” Virgil couldn’t look at Logan, or any human for that matter, so he looked out the window. His eyes were getting hazy again. He steeled himself, clenching his jaw momentarily and putting back on the dark facade once again.</p>
<p>“I understand. It’s just with me leaving this year… I’m worried about you Virge.” Logan spared a glance towards his friend, one full of worry and curiosity.</p>
<p>“Hey, worrying is my job. And it’s not my fault you decided to graduate early, you nerd.” Virgil began to pick at the side of his phone case with a slight shake in his fingers, never prying his gaze from following the tree line.</p>
<p>“We’re going back to name-calling, alright. 91.5 or...106.7?” Logan quickly changed the subject, noticing Virgil’s early tells and trying to deflate the situation.</p>
<p>“My answer isn’t gonna change; we’ve been over this. 91.5 pretty please oh logical one, because-“</p>
<p>“Because Princey’s music played on 106.7; which I should point out isn’t a logical reason.” Logan was already moving to turn on the radio to Virgil’s favorite station, as the conversation was a daily occurrence. Logan would ask what station to play out of two choices: 91.5, sometimes another alternative or indie station, or a pop station. Virgil would choose 91.5, the reason being that dislike burned hard towards Roman, along with his shallow music. It was common and comfortable, and Logan wasn’t one to throw away routine.</p>
<p>They continued existing together, listening to the music that flowed through the car, until Logan pulled his car into the large school parking lot.</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>Roman looked up from his phone with a smile and a shake of the head. He got up from where he was sitting on the couch in his room and began the descent downstairs. Once he went down the great, mighty staircase, Roman tiptoed into the kitchen. If no one was awake yet, he could get his apple and be able to walk to school like a normal kid living this close to his high school.</p>
<p>But of course, he was wrong. The lights in the kitchen were on, his mother leaning against the island and nursing a cup of coffee. Her light blonde hair was pulled up into a messy bun, her ice eyes looking up from her cup when she heard her son enter the room. Roman didn’t say a word, but instead moved toward the fruit basket to pick out an apple. It took almost everything in him to pick out the larger one.</p>
<p>“Good morning sweetie.” His mother, Andrea, spoke lightly before taking another sip of her creamy coffee.</p>
<p>“Morning Ma,” Roman moved forward to give his mother a kiss on the cheek. “What are you doing up so early?”</p>
<p>“I picked up an early shift from Julia,” Andrea paused after announcing the extra work she picked up from her coworker, taking a look at her phone as Roman took a bite of the apple. “Steve will be here in five minutes.”</p>
<p>“I still don’t understand why I can’t just walk to school like I used to.” Roman paused his apple eating, feeling a tad nauseous. He swallowed, leaning against a different counter like his mother, uncomfortable with the idea of driving with Steve again.</p>
<p>“Honey, we’ve been over this. You’re famous. It’s a blessing that you’ve been able to stay in school like you are. You aren’t a normal kid anymore, Princey.”</p>
<p>“That nickname suddenly holds less sentimental value.” </p>
<p>The mother and son stood silently together in the kitchen, conversation effectively shut off by Roman’s comment. He loved his mother dearly, but sometimes his fame could go to her head. He wondered what went through her head when he was signed to the record label, or when his song got into the top hits. Roman was happy, but his music was being received in a way he didn’t want it to. He couldn’t reverse the facade now; it was too late to go back to fix anything.</p>
<p>As Roman finished the last bite of his medium apple, the doorbell rang. The boy threw away the core before placing another kiss on his mom’s cheek. Afterwards, Roman exited the kitchen, grabbed his bag waiting for him next to the door and slung it over his shoulder. He opened the front door to be greeted by Steve.</p>
<p>Steve was Roman’s bodyguard. It was still such a silly thing to the Prince, but the larger man still nodded to him in greeting nonetheless. He returned it, and the two made their way to a black Sudan. Steve opened the door for Roman and was met with a half-hearted laugh, but the boy still wordlessly entered the car.</p>
<p>The drive was silent most of the way, with only the radio playing a small local station in the background to break the quiet. When Roman’s song “Hidden Love” came onto the radio, a small smile crept onto his lips as he hummed along with his recorded voice.</p>
<p>
  <em>I wanna shout (shout!) your name in the air<br/>I wanna scream (scream!) how much I care<br/>But still no one can know know know<br/>‘Cause it’s a hidden love, a forbidden show<em></em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>In a few minutes, the car pulled into the school and the song ended. Roman gave a thank you to Steve and a small wave of goodbye, exiting the car and entering a swarm of students. He couldn’t decipher if they were crowding because of him, but he maneuvered his way through them anyways in search of his best friend. As he scanned over everyone’s heads, he saw the bane of his existence leave his (friend’s?) car. A grumble of dislike rose in his throat as the gothic-looking boy made his way to the entrance. The lump dissolved as Roman caught sight of a familiar blue polo ahead.</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Three and a half months into their friendship, Roman and Virgil have their daily lunch conversation with an unforeseen twist.</p>
<p>content warnings: Food mention, implied eating disorder, self-harm mention, low self-image, brief implied suppressing of sexuality</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>flightorfightamiright: Ivity<br/>Creativiiityy<br/>Are you ignoring me because I bashed on Disney plots last night<br/>It’s not my fault that they have those undertones <br/>Well I guess it’s mine for seeing them<br/>I’m sorry I’m probably blowing up your phone as you talk to Popular People™️<br/>Shiiiit ignore me</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: My apologizes- you’re fine, you good, it was my fault<br/>You kno at this point that I don’t care about all the messages<br/>But yes yes what is it great anxious one?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Right okay <br/>What are you having for lunch?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I could ask youu the same thing</p>
<p>Roman snickered into his hand, looking up from his phone momentarily only to find several eyes on him. He made eye contact with Patton Heart, his best friend, who had a look mixed of concern and amusement on his face.</p>
<p>“What?” Roman asked, phone still in hand.</p>
<p>“I asked,” he said again (was it again?) while drawing out the ‘a’, “What’s got you all giggly?” Patton nudged Roman with his freckle-covered elbow, which made his rust-like hair fall before his eyes. He happened to be smirking along with several other guys at the table.</p>
<p>“Just a frien-” Roman cut himself off as another message came through. A picture of Anxiety’s hand was in the photo, holding up a half-eaten sandwich of some sort with the backdrop of a plain brown wall. The boy’s sleeve was down, and Roman could just make out several fading pink lines near the edge of the photo. His eyebrows rose in slight worry about Anxiety’s arms before a smile and a chuckle released itself at the caption. </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: (picture attached) My usual salami goodness <br/>Your turn</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: (picture attached) By order of the dark knight, here is a picture of my extreeemely healthy chicken wrap</p>
<p>Virgil smiled down at his phone as he took another bite of his poorly made sandwich. Creativity sent him a picture of a large green tortilla with lettuce, grilled chicken, and rice rolled inside resting on a blue Tupperware lid atop a green lunch table. It was a quarter of the way eaten, which allowed Virgil to breathe. After placing the rest of his ‘salami goodness’ inside his paper lunch bag, he leaned his head back against the bookshelf his spine was pressed against. Virgil brought his phone back up to his face to read the caption of the photo. A small laugh whispered its way through his teeth as he typed his response.</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Oh so I’m Batman now?<br/>I do have the gothic aesthetic for it<br/>Does this mean you’re my Robbin?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Do you even LIIIKE superheroes?<br/>And I’m nOT a sidekick</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: I like em but most of the time I’m just scrolling in the depths of tumblr, getting attached to random fandoms</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: How could I forget the week where you wouldn’t shut up about Maze Runner<br/>Like where did that passion gO?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: It left along with my sanity</p>
<p>“That’s not a very nice thing to say.” Roman heard again, only for him to find Patton had scooted closer and was looking over at his shoulder at his phone. “I will- I’ll physically fight them.”</p>
<p>Roman’s face formed into a scrunch of confusion and worry. “Okay, Pat that isn’t how that works and... why are you looking at my conversations?” Roman said with faux hurt, pulling his phone so the screen was hidden in his chest.</p>
<p>“But they talked bad about themself!” Patton defended his case as he mimicked the hand-to-chest motion, but without a phone involved. “And you weren’t paying attention to the conversation so I figured something important was going on.”</p>
<p>“Talking to him is pretty important to me.” Roman let the sides of his lips tilt up ever so slightly, warmth filling his eyes for a moment.</p>
<p>“It better- should be. Everyone was talking about you.” Another friend, Xela, spoke up as she leaned in on the table to try and get Roman’s attention. She sat a few seats down, next to her twin brother, Alex.</p>
<p>“You were talking about.. me?” Roman suddenly felt very, very self-conscious. The nauseating lump in his throat grew tenfold.</p>
<p>“Your song, on the most popular station around this morning? People call it the lovesong of this spring. You certainly are a big deal now; you could have any girl you could want.” Xela gave Roman an inviting smile at the last part which only made Roman slightly grimace. He covered it up with a smile, ducking his head a little as to pretend he was blushing.</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Did I finally scare you off?<br/>Huh, if I knew all it took was to talk about my sanity, I would have done it sooner.</p>
<p>Roman looked at his phone again the instant it pinged, making offended noises as he read the text.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Come on! You love me!</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: It’s been three and a half months</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ok you at leeeeast like me</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Can’t argue with that</p>
<p>“Awwww!” Patton let out in a high-pitched voice, bringing his hands to his face. “He’s so cute; I love him.”</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: My friend says he loves you</p>
<p>“Wait wait-“ Patton energetically reached out, taking the phone out of Roman’s hand. Roman protested, trying to get the phone back into his own hands. He had confessed a lot of things to Anxiety that he wasn’t ready for Patton to know.</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Wait what? Why??<br/>Telllll mee</p>
<p>“Quick- are you saying names or not?” Patton whispered to Roman covering his lips with his hand as to not let the others at the table see, all while sporting a devious smile. It was cute and honestly pretty warm and lighthearted, but it was a try to be devious nonetheless.</p>
<p>“Um, no?? I’d rather him not know I’m quote unquote ‘famous’- now give me the phone back Patton!” Roman said quietly as well, glancing over to the others at the table who weren’t paying attention. He tried for the phone again, but Patton crunched his legs up so his feet touched Roman’s chest. He pushed, making his butt slide across the bench and his legs stick out horizontally to prevent Roman from grabbing the phone. Xela spared a curious glance at the antics of the bubbly Patton, but her attention was grabbed again by a remark of her brother.</p>
<p>“So what names do you use?” Patton mouthed obnoxiously for only Roman’s eyes, his short n’ grabby fingers typing already.</p>
<p>“I use-” Roman’s eyes darted to his many friends, eyebrows furrowing as he stopped his sentence. He brought his voice lower, hopefully quiet enough for Patton to miss. “Characters from Inside Out, basically, but Patton please give me my phone back.” Roman desperately tried to reach over Patton’s legs to grab the phone from the ginger. Curse Patton for having long legs and a tiny torso.</p>
<p>“Perfect, thanks!” Patton finished typing something, looked at the phone for a moment, then broke out into an even bigger smile. Then, he removed his light blue vans from his brunette friend’s torso and tucked them under the table once again. Patton scooted back over to Roman, gently returning the phone to his friend.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: HI IM MORALITY IM CREATIVITY’S FRIEND AND UR AMAZING AND CUTE AND U MAKE HIM SMILE ALOT AND HE WASNT RESPONDING CUZ WE WERE PESTERING HIM PLEASE DONT BE SAD WE LOVE U OK BYE</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Holy shit that was something okay then<br/>Thanks, Morality, I guess? Yeah, thanks</p>
<p>Roman shook his head exasperated. He couldn’t believe Patton sometimes, but he certainly loved his friend. Luckily, as if God had decided to have grace upon him in that moment, none of the dozen people at the rectangular table noticed anything about their conversation. His secret friend dubbed Anxiety was safe from prying ears. </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Sorry, Morality (as he dubbed himself I guess) took my phone and I had legit no control</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: It’s okay, it was nice</p>
<p>Virgil smiled down at his phone for the fifth time that hour, a feeling of warmth flooding through him. It had only been a short period of time that felt like a lifetime, and he already felt such an amazing connection to Creativity. They didn’t know each other’s real names or locations other than a general area so that they could have an idea what time it was for each other- it was a safety precaution- but he still felt closer to Ivity than anyone else.</p>
<p>With a shrill sound overhead, the bell announced the end of the lunch hour was over. </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Hey I have to go but we’ll talk soon later okay? </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Byebye my anxiøus emø piløt</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: That was weak but I appreciate the effort<br/>Also congratulations you’ve now used all of my favorite bands as slightly insulting nicknames (that I love)</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: This just means I can now finally branch out into Disney territory, Hun </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Wait what </p>
<p>Virgil technically had about five minutes until his next class started, which was Algebra and just down the hall. So, he still sat in the same position, but now with his hand covering his mouth and a blush exploding on his face. It was much like the time in the second month the two knew each other that Creativity called Virgil babe and brushed it off. He didn’t know how to handle compliments, let alone pet names as intimate as Ivity used occasionally.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Hun? As in barbarian Huns that attacked China in Mulan? I thought you would get that one</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Right right of course that’s what that was yes okay sorry um</p>
<p>God, Virgil was a mess.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ok, now it’s my turn to have to go but I will speak at you later</p>
<p>Roman took a last hurried bite of his chicken wrap before securely placing it back in his Tupperware for later. He packed up the rest of his things alongside Patton after pocketing his phone, but remembering the conversation. Across the lunchroom, he saw his lab partner look his way, a flash in the other’s eyes of calculation as they neared him. Roman didn’t pay much mind to him, as he was pretty certain he was friends with his Arch Nemesis™️.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you sent him a message in all caps. He has anxiety.” Roman playfully nudged Patton as the two walked closely to one another. Half of the reason they walked with shoulders brushing was that they were close in friendship, the other half because if they didn’t, Roman might be pulled away easily into the crowd.  </p>
<p>“I picked that up from the kiddo’s name but hey, maybe he needed some soft words delivered sharply today.” Patton gave a mostly one-sided smile towards Roman that was filled to the brim with love and worry. Patton knew more about physiology and emotions than his friend, so in Roman’s eyes, he could very well be right. </p>
<p>“Yeah, he probably did. I’m going to talk to him later about the picture he sent me. I’m sure you saw it, right?” Patton nodded his head as he moved his eyes down to the floor, the one-sided smile dimming down to a small puckered upturn of the lips. Roman set one hand onto the exposed skin of his friend’s arm. “Sorry, I know how much you care- but he’s been doing really great lately too. That was the first time in a few months since I noticed anything.” Roman gave a reassuring grin. It was in Patton’s caring nature to be concerned about the troubles of others. Sometimes he needed to be reassured too, even in the small way of reassuring him that someone he was worrying about was going to be okay. Patton just had so much love to give.</p>
<p>“That’s good,” Patton returned Roman’s smile. “Maybe I can give Anxiety some support too. Through you, of course.” Roman nodded with a promise as the two exited the cafeteria.</p>
<p>Now just behind them, Logan’s eyebrows furrowed as he stored that piece of conversation into his mind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After school gets out for the day, Roman and Virgil encounter trouble within each other. Luckily, there’s two others in the mix as well.</p>
<p>content warnings: Mutual dislike, preludes to past physical abuse, brief swearing, snide comments, minor insults</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>shhhimcreatingrn: Finally classes are oooooverrr</p>
<p>Roman looked up from typing the message while he walked too late in time, making him run straight into another human’s chest. He stumbled backward, dropping his phone as he did so. The other person faltered a step back as well, a familiar rift of purple hair moving out of the corner of Roman’s peripheral vision. He ignored it for the time being, praying that it wasn’t who he thought it was as he bent down to the ground. After a split second of searching for his gold phone case with the word “Princey” scrawled on it in red calligraphy, he found the iPhone and replaced it into his back pocket.</p>
<p>“Watch where you’re going, asshole.” A gravel-like voice rumbled to Roman, making him finally look up.</p>
<p>Standing before him was Virgil Sanders. His brown-almost-black eyes glared daggers at him from underneath the purple-dyed fringe of his black hair. His hands were burrowed deeply inside of his black leather jacket, which seams were sewed with purple. A snarl settled itself on Virgil’s lips as he tilted his head upwards slightly.</p>
<p>Roman scoffed, sizing himself up and squaring his shoulders. He pulled himself to his full height, allowing himself to look down into Virgil’s hunched form. “Yeah, and like you were totally looking, James P. Sulkivan.”</p>
<p>Virgil rolled his eyes heavily at Roman, matching his scoff with a dark chuckle of his own. Virgil’s flight or fight response began to kick him in the head, begging him to run, run, before anything happens again. He couldn’t trust his instinct and keep his façade up, so he instead pushed himself to think more on the side of fight. His grim facial expression stayed as he did so, his eyebrows raising slightly at the notice that Roman was wearing yet another new bomber jacket. This one had white sleeves with red stripes at the cuffs, which were pushed up to his elbows, and a gold body. On his chest was stitching of “Prince” in red calligraphy-like on his phone.</p>
<p>“At least I don’t have to write on my phone and jacket to remember my own last name.” Virgil bit back harshly while taking a step forward. Roman copied the movement, only to be stopped by a hand on his chest.</p>
<p>Patton’s hand was flush with the writing on his jacket, Roman following the small fingers to his arm and finally to who stood next to him. The boy’s blue oceans for eyes were drowning in concern. His jaw was set, but his facial features still expressed softness. His eyebrows contorted to display a certain sternness. Roman looked from Patton back over to Virgil, expecting to see the other seething and preparing material to drag the innocent Heart into the mix.</p>
<p>But another boy was standing with the two angered and one innocent. He had a dark blue polo on with similar glasses as Patton, and had a hand on Virgil’s arm. Something clicked in Roman’s head, and he almost took a half a step backward. It was his lab partner, his acquaintance from the poetry club, Logan Brian. Roman wanted to believe he wasn’t associated with Virgil, but what he wanted didn’t change the facts.</p>
<p>Virgil gave Logan a look that held annoyance, but with desperation piercing through. The grip on his arm tightened slightly, Logan leaned in closer to his friend, the black tie around his neck touching Virgil’s jacket as he did so. He was giving a much more stern look than Roman’s friend, Virgil noticed with a glance, but both of them held the same concern. They both made their best friends into peacemakers.</p>
<p>“You know it’s not worth it, Virgil. Think of what I- what your Tumblr friend would think. What we both think.” Logan half-whispered to Virgil, his eyes flickering to Roman for a moment with a quizzing blink. Virgil didn’t notice, instead focusing on Logan’s thumb moving from gripping around his arm to smoothing over it. Virgil had two raging emotions, panic and fear. Logan could tell that these interactions mostly were fueled by fear, if not a tiny bit of anger, and he needed to defuse the situation. Logan spared a second glance, but over to Patton, who gave a quick nod of solitary. Both of the blue-eyed and blue-wearing boys turned their friends around with the hand that was touching them.</p>
<p>Patton spun Roman around by pushing his hand down on his chest while simultaneously putting his hand on his shoulder blade and pushing. Roman complied easily, as he usually did with Patton’s soft touches. Roman didn’t notice that Patton’s head didn’t turn with them, instead still glued onto the one with earthy hair.</p>
<p>Logan turned Virgil in the other direction by moving his own feet first, walking around Virgil’s front while not letting go of his arm. Virgil followed him, not wanting to put up a fight in that moment. It didn’t stick with Virgil that Logan lingered his gaze on the ginger boy behind them.</p>
<p>Patton and Logan shared a longing, solidarity look with each other as they turned their respective friends away. The lighter blue muttered a ‘sorry’ in the same instant as the darker indigo mouthed a ‘my apologies.’ It was clear both the junior and the sophomore wanted their peacekeeping to be unnecessary. Both turned their heads back over to their friends. Logan filed away Roman’s unconscious reaction to what he whispered to Virgil away for later.</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Classes are out but that means assholes are too</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: You can say that again</p>
<p>Bumped into that short, goth, and stress infusing again</p>
<p>*inducing</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Heh, what is our luck? I got a chest full of tall, light, and daydreaming</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I thought they were taller than you? How can you get a chest full of them?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: I’m technically a few inches taller than them I just slouch majorly and they were on their phone</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I see I see</p>
<p>Luckily Morality was there to diffuse my situation before it got too bad</p>
<p>I did use a great nickname tho</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: If you use it for me I will punch you</p>
<p>And yeah Logic was there for mine too</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I won’t use it for you bc I only use my best material on you</p>
<p>Friends are the best™️ for us honestly</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: You’re the best for me</p>
<p>Shit sorry that was sappy ignore that I’m sorry</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Hell no im not ignoring it</p>
<p>It was hella cute and you’re the best for me too</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: When did we become like an old married couple</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Last month I think?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: What am I going to do with you?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: That’s literally what youre talking about</p>
<p>I acted like an old married man for you!</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: You’re insufferable</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: If I really was you wouldn’t be talking to me right now ;)</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Fair enough</p>
<p>Leavvvee your emojis with Morality</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Fine fine</p>
<p>I’ve got to get on the hw cuz there’s too much and I cry</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Big same</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Did you just combine big mood and same?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: it be the mood of the month</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ok bye Sad In The Hat</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: See ya</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Deceit comes calling, and Virgil has no idea how to handle his harsh words after almost a half-a-year of radio silence.</p><p>content warnings: Descriptive panic attack, mentions of emotional and mental abuse, mentions of manipulation, swearing, Deceit mention</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>flightorfightamiright: Holy fucking fuckity fuck</p><p>Fucken shit</p><p>I can’t</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ann, breath, please</p><p>In 1 2 3 4</p><p>Hold 1 2 3 4 5 6 7</p><p>Out 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Im tryujng</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: You’re safe. You’re here and you’re safe</p><p>Nothing will hurt you</p><p>flightorfightamiright: but wjat if he’s not lyimg?</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: He can’t find you. You’re safe, Anx. You’re safe</p><p>Breath for me</p><p>flightorfightamiright: I’m sos cared Ivity</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: I know, I’m here. Do you want me to call you? I still have your Skype. I can sing to you</p><p>flightorfightamiright: noo my dad wilk heear</p><p>Incant think he’s still he’s stil trying toncall</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Anxiety, if you can walk, go into your bathroom ok? Leave your phone in your room, just take the laptop into your bathroom</p><p>You there?</p><p>flightorfightamiright: I’m here</p><p>Virgil was shaking. His hands faltered over the keyboard as he typed, fear overrunning all senses. Deceit had contacted his skype and old Tumblr user again. The insults and the questions, the threats, sent unbridled fear coursing through every part of Virgil’s being. He ran his hands through his hair frantically. His stomach turned and flipped, the nauseating feeling making his breathing stop. He pushed down the lump rising in his throat as he looked back to his computer screen and tried to stable his breathing pattern again.</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Can you tell me five things you can see?</p><p>Virgil clamped one hand over his mouth so to keep the bile from rising. He used his other hand to type out a shaky response as he looked around the bathroom to find the things Creativity asked for.</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Its dark butI seenmy towel, the toilet and the bathmat</p><p>And thecomputer wnd the swower</p><p>Shower</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: You’re doing great, Ann. Is there four things you can touch?</p><p>flightorfightamiright: My sweatshirt, my ckmputer, the floor, and the wall</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Perfect, ok, is there three things you can hear?</p><p>Virgil closed his eyes to try and listen to any sounds better. The quietness of the bathroom muted most sounds, but he could make out his phone still vibrating in his bedroom. Was that just his imagination? He took the hand away from his mouth to type better.</p><p>flightorfightamiright: my phone vibrating next door, the fans in my computer, and my breahing</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: That’s great, keep the rhythm okay Ann? 4, 7, 8</p><p>Two things you can smell?</p><p>flightorfightamiright: soap and lavender</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: And one thing you can taste?</p><p>Virgil ran his tongue over the insides of his mouth, wincing when he ran over the ripped flesh of his lip. He had been so focused on not making any sound as to disrupt his father's sleep that he hadn’t realized he was biting his lip so hard. Panic can make you do things. He didn’t even register the pain of doing it.</p><p>flightorfightamiright: blood</p><p>I bit my lip too hard</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: These things can happen</p><p>How’s your breathing?</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Steady. I’m sorry I freaked out</p><p>You don’t deserve that</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Don’t for one second apologize. This wasn’t your fault at all</p><p>And you’re my friend, and I wanted to help you. Besides, you’ve helped me so many times with calories and shit so don’t go apologizing</p><p>Virgil put his now-sleeve-covered hand up to his mouth. Tears were threatening to spill over, and he could decide if it was from the panic and fear or from happiness. Through blurry vision, Virgil placed both hands on the keyboard again and typed his response.</p><p>flightorfightamiright: I don’t know what I would do without you</p><p>Roman finally took a breath after what felt like hours of not breathing properly. He was such a hypocrite in that aspect of the conversation; he had been coaching Anxiety on how to breathe but wasn’t doing it properly himself. The singer ran a hand through his hair, leaning back in his swivel chair. If he had any idea how terrible this Deceit character actually was, he wouldn’t have asked about him all those weeks ago. Just the act of him trying to contact Anx threw the boy into a panic attack. Roman honestly was ready to throw fists.</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: I dont want to give an answer to that, nor do I really want you to think about that</p><p>The point is, I’m here, I care about you, and I really wanna sing to you rn</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Let me get my headphones</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: Has the phone stopped?</p><p>flightorfightamiright: yeah.. yeah it stopped</p><p>Roman picked up his phone as a text came through. He looked away from the computer and Anxiety’s last message to see what it was about.</p><p>Pappy Padre Patton: How’s my dark strange son doing?</p><p>Roman didn’t know how to answer that. He hunched over on the desk, phone still in his hand. Should he tell the truth about the matter, or a lie to keep Patton from worrying? Lying seemed uncomfortable in this situation, considering the tag the snake man used was Deceit.</p><p>Prince Roman: I just calmed him down from a panic attack</p><p>I’m going to call him to sing to him so</p><p>Pappy Padre Patton: Oh no! :((((</p><p>Is singing to him the best idea? I mean- your voice is kinda on the radio?</p><p>Prince Roman: He doesn’t like pop, he listens to indie and emo stuff</p><p>Pappy Padre Patton: Send him my love!!!!</p><p>Roman smiled down at his phone and the excessive amounts of exclamation marks that Patton used. A small chuckle of sorts left his lips as he reached up into one of his tabletop bins to retrieve his earbuds. Once in his hands, he closed Tumblr on his computer and shut the laptop, flickering off the light and moving to his bed. He was glad he was cramming for a history exam, otherwise he wouldn’t have been awake to be able to help Anxiety. His phone illuminated itself in the dark room at almost the same time Roman plugged in his headphones to show an incoming message from his friend.</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Ready when you are</p><p>Virgil was curled in a ball on top of his bed, large black over-the-ear headphones on his head under his hood. He was sitting up, not laying down, with his arms holding his legs to his chest. He was waiting for Creativity to call him. The only reason why the two shared their Skype usernames was because Virgil put Ivity in a group chat with Sara, and all they did was text. He was nervous, as this would be the first time they talked.</p><p>Granted, they both have heard each other's voices for minimal amounts of time. They sent each other videos of them singing for a dare in that Skype group, but it wasn’t long enough to form a solid opinion on their voices. He hadn’t heard Creativity’s voice since then, and that was within the first month of knowing each other. At this point, approaching the six-month line, he had no idea what to expect.</p><p>A ring interrupted his thoughts, making him look down to see Creativity’s Skype caller ID lighting up his phone screen. He clicked accept, and was met with a warm voice.</p><p>“Hey.” Creativity said, warmth lacing his soothing tone. He sounded tired, and Virgil assumed he would be, as it was the Devil's Hour.</p><p>“…hi.” Anxiety barely breathed out, making Roman puker his lips. He heard a deep sigh come from the other end of the call, and a half-hearted chuckle. The laugh sounded familiar, but Roman chalked that up to his sleepy brain.</p><p>“It’s okay if you’re non-verbal right now, I get it,” Creativity continued in the wake of Virgil barely getting out a word. He was tired, tired beyond compare to anything. Panic attacks can do that to you. “I’m here to sing you softly to sleep. Literally, that’s all. We don’t have to have a deep or funny conversation or just a conversation at that. You can fall asleep and I would be satisfied.”</p><p>Roman heard movement on the other end along with another breath taken. “I’m sorry I’m hearing your voice for the first time like this.” Anxiety’s words were so small, so frail, like he could break again any moment. Roman couldn’t have that. He laid down flat on his bed and silently thanked his moms for buying a house with good insulation and with bedrooms far apart. He could sing and not interrupt them.</p><p>“Don’t you apologize for anything right now, Anx. Now, I’m actually happy I’ve been brushing up on my twenty øne piløts because your the only one who’d want to listen to me butcher their magic. So lay down, get comfy, and prepare for rest.” Creativity let out a small laugh on his end of the line. Virgil smiled a small smile, a happy one that made new tears well in his eyes and a feeling rise in his throat. He didn’t know how he got so lucky. Virgil finished situating himself laying down on his bed, and with that, Creativity began singing.</p><p>It struck him something familiar, but Virgil couldn’t place it in the fogginess of his tired after panic mind. Shortly then after, the quickest it’s ever happened, Virgil fell asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: Mentions and description of purging, intrusive thoughts, body image issues, eating disorder</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>shhhimcreatingrn: I don’t even know what I’m doing rn<br/>
It’s just..<br/>
and I’m kinda scared</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: What do you mean? Talk to me</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I really want to throw up right now but I know that it’s definitely not healthy like at all and I shouldn’t but that doesn’t make the urge any less powerful and I justtttt </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: On purpose?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Yea<br/>
I just feel so disgusting and greasy and icky and bloated and gross. I can feel the oil on my face and the fat on my stomach and the weight on my flabby fucking arms and I just can’t </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Okay first, can you take a deep breath for me?</p>
<p>Roman sat on his knees before the toilet, his forehead leaned against the lid as he typed on his phone. He knew it was disgusting (like him) but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he could think about was the release of shoving his fingers down his throat and making everything in his stomach come up. All that was in his mind was the achingly obvious rolls on his stomach and his non-muscular arms. The only feeling he could feel was disgust at his body, the memory of two fingers shoved down to touch the back of his throat to make himself gag at the forefront of his mind. Roman tried to take a deep breath, for Anx. He tried to push out those feelings, the acute awareness of the grease and oil on his skin, for Anxiety. He tried to not desperately want to purge, for Anxiety.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: ok, yea, ok</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: You said that you feel greasy and the oil on your face is making it worse? So uh, try splashing some water on your face instead of throwing up<br/>
Chances are that hurling will only make you feel more disgusting, as that isn’t really a pretty process</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Right ok got it ok</p>
<p>Roman forced himself into a standing position, weakly standing on numb legs from sitting on them for too long. He stumbled over to the sink, setting his phone down before turning the knob for hot water. Once it ran for a few moments, Roman risked looking up at himself in the mirror. He quickly avoided his gaze because, long story short, he looked like shit and he could only see the flaws in he too-chubby face. Roman stuck his hands under the warm water and brought the cupped hands to his leaned over face. He felt a little better and not as greasy. His phone buzzed next to him. Without doing much other than flicking off some of the water, he picked it up again.</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Drinking some water might help as well. It’ll flush out your insides and maybe make you feel less bloated<br/>
You are strong, you got that? You are braver and stronger than you give yourself credit for</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: You were right<br/>
The water helped a little</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Where are you right now beab? </p>
<p>Roman finished typing back and began to rummage through the cabinets under his sink. He swore he saw a bag of plastic cups in there earlier. Without much trouble, he found a fairly normal sized clear plastic cup. He turned the water cold and waited a few moments before filling the glass, shifting to sit on the floor once the cup was filled. Roman returned to his phone, to Anx. A hesitant smile rested onto his too-thick lips and made his too-bloated cheeks crease. He still was in view of where he previously sat.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I’m sitting on the floor of my bathroom with a glass of water</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Stop staring at the toilet- I know you’re doing it</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I hate how right you are</p>
<p>Roman’s eyes were still centered on the black ceramic toilet as he took another sip from his cup. Looking at where he usually doubled over and emptied his stomach wasn’t doing anything in favor of repressing that want. His mind was screaming at him to just <em>do it already</em> and <em>get it over with</em> and <em>purge now so you don’t have to later</em>. It reminded him that <em>you’re digesting food right now</em> and that <em>wasn’t okay because you’ve already had so much today</em> and that he’s <em>fat fat fat</em> and <em>ugly and fat</em> so he should <em>just purge</em> and <em>get it all out and over with so you can be pretty</em>. Roman realized he was squeezing the cup so hard he almost broke it. He took a deep breath and tore his gaze away. It was hard, this was too hard, but Anx was counting on him to do the right thing. Roman shakily stood from sitting against the cabinet and headed for the shower. He stepped into the tub and closed the curtain, shielding himself inside and away from the devilish dark object of purging.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Ok I’m just in the bathtub now</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Still drinking water?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: And still wanting to purge but yes</p>
<p>I’m not gonna purge I’m not gonna do i<br/>I’ve come too far</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: That’s right. You’ve come so far from rock bottom and I know you don’t want to go back there<br/>You’re making so much progress and I’m so proud of you</p>
<p>Virgil bit his nail, shifting on his bed and wondering if he should have added that last part. He knew it was unbelievably, undoubtedly true, but he didn’t know if it was crossing any sort of line. If Creativity didn't mind him calling him beab- a contraction of babe and bean that Virgil doesn’t remember where he picked up- then certainly showing how proud he was of the other would be okay? Ivity had gotten much more control over his disorder since the two had been talking, and Virgil was incredibly proud of that. He understood how hard eating disorders could be; it was something that always pained his heart when he saw Creativity struggling. Virgil shook his head and threw caution out the window. Right now, he was sure Ivity needed reassurance.</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: So proud<br/>Think about where you were when we first met and think about where you are now<br/>You’ve come so, so far</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Youre right, I’m right. I’ve come too far to purge it all away. I’ve got this</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: You’ve got this. You’re strong, you can do this</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I can do this</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Water status?</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: First glass half empty, face still kinda wet<br/>So is my butt<br/>The tub is a little wet but I guess it’s a little grounding</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Leave it to you to be the one to sit in a wet bathtub </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I didn’t really wanna leave the bathroom bc I look like a wreck and my moms are still home</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Point taken<br/>hey</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Yea?</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: I’m proud of you</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I’m proud of me too</p>
<p>Roman smiled down at his phone, guzzling the last bit of the water in his cup. He took another deep breath and wiped the dried tears off of his face. He nodded to himself in encouragement, swallowing again heavily to brace himself. All he had to do was get out of the tub and out of the bathroom. He could do this. Roman breathed in and held the breath, shooting himself up into a standing position as quickly as he could. He pulled back the curtain, careful not to look at the black ceramic, before stepping out and finding the doorknob as quickly as he could. He didn’t want to purge, but that didn’t mean that the taunts and the somewhat valid thoughts inside his head were going to stop anytime soon. The best he could do for now was listen to music- most likely a musical or a Disney soundtrack- to keep his mind at bay and away from the black ceramic.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: Panic attack, brief mention of forceful outing, refusal to listen, jumping to conclusions, brief mention to suicide</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>flightorfightamiright: I’m not even fucking with you, I was about to get mobbed<br/>
Popular people and their fan bases am I right<br/>
So I may or may not be skipping lunch right now</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: ANXIETYYYY<br/>
gtg havin a panic attaxk </p><p>flightorfightamiright: Ivity? Ivity breath okay<br/>
Creativity?</p><p>shhhimcreatingrn: almost outed<br/>
Km ok jsut fimme a sec</p><p>flightorfightamiright: Breathing pattern, remember?<br/>
Okay?</p><p>Virgil was currently in the bathroom, hiding from a group of Peasants. (The name that Princey’s fanbase gave themselves always confused the anxious boy. Who would want to call themself a peasant?) Apparently, because they overheard one offhand comment he made to Logan about how he wished Roman wasn’t so careless all the time, the small group of girls made it their mission to give him a ‘talking to.’ The idea terrified Virgil enough to skip lunch again. Creativity would scold him again, but Virgil didn’t really take the time to care. He was perfectly content with sitting on the floor in the last bathroom stall until lunch was over and run to his next class.</p><p>The problem is that someone just ran into the bathroom pretty energetically. He probably almost plowed over a freshman that Virgil knew was in here. From what the boy in the stall could hear and see from under the door, he was running to the sink. </p><p>Virgil could hear very heavy breathing, gasping for air in between what sounded like sobs. The breathing pattern didn’t follow ones of crying, so why was the person so worked up? The hoodie-clad boy shifted his weight on the floor, moving his head so that he could see in between the crack in the door and the wall.</p><p>There was a boy standing before a sink, hunched over and gripping the ceramic sink with white knuckles. His hair- which was a familiar brown- was over his eyes, but Virgil couldn’t make out much more. He wore a mostly gold bomber-jacket and blue jeans, but that wasn’t much to go by. Everyone seemed to be wearing gold jackets and red shirts now that Princey had made them popular.</p><p>The door to the bathroom opened again, letting the sound from the hallway creep into the room. The boy at the sink shifted, becoming more uncomfortable at the noise. It was now only the three of them in the bathroom, but Virgil doubted that the other two knew that he was in there.</p><p>“Roman?” A small voice laced with worry spoke carefully to the boy at the sink. Virgil’s eyes went wide. Roman was the one at the sink? As in, Roman Prince? Virgil suddenly felt at odds with watching this exchange.</p><p>“Get <em>out</em> Patton.” Roman replied with emphasis on every word. He was speaking through his teeth, or it sounded like it. His head was still angled down to the sink.</p><p>“But Roman,” Patton, the literal sweetheart of the school, took a step closer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”</p><p>“Get out and don’t let anyone in. I-“ Roman’s voice faltered. “I need to be alone.” </p><p>Patton nodded, the blue-wearing boy dejectedly walking backward out of the bathroom. “Just know I’m here, Ro, and I care about you. I’ll be outside.” </p><p>A mangled cry released itself from Roman’s lips as soon as Patton left the bathroom. His hands fled to his hair, and from what Virgil could see, his hands were shaking. Another broken sound came from the boy as he stepped back a few paces from the mirror, then returned to the sink. He did this several times in quick succession, all while his hands kept shaking and wordless cries escaped from his mouth.</p><p>Virgil shifted on the floor, uncomfortable. He hated Roman, yes, and everything he did fit into the perfect cookie cutter of a popstar rising to fame. Roman hit the counter with his fists, resting his elbows on the sink and leaning in. His whole body was shaking now. He hated Roman, yes, but no one deserved to go through a panic attack alone. Virgil knew this first hand.</p><p>Virgil slowly rose from his position on the floor, his moving definitely causing some sort of sound. He unlocked the stall door, whisking a hand through his hair before he exited into the main bathroom area.</p><p>Roman froze at the sound of one of the stalls being unlocked. His sunken-looking eyes blew wide, the tremor in his hand not ceasing. He was supposed to be alone. He was supposed to go through this alone in the bathroom without anyone knowing, not even Anxiety. He couldn’t worry his usually panicked friend, no, Roman had to sort this panic out before it leaked out into the media. He shouldn’t, he couldn’t, be seen by anyone. No one was supposed to know how fucked up he was; how much he hated his body and his sexuality. He was supposed to be perfect, not having an anxiety attack in the bathroom.</p><p>Roman quickly looked into the mirror, to see his own cheeks riddled with tears, and a figure standing behind him shadowed by one of the broken lights. He took a sharp intake of breath, a shaky one at best, but didn’t turn around. </p><p>“G-get,” a shaky breath. He still wasn’t breathing right. “Get ow-out.” Roman’s fingers pulled out of his hair, his body moving quickly into the most defensive position he could while his body shook as the boy stepped out of the shadows.</p><p>Virgil stood there, black jacket and all, with his hands in his pockets and eyes cast down. He took another step slowly, gently, toward Roman who was still clutching the counter. To the panicked one’s surprise, the look on Virgil’s face wasn’t malicious. It was soft, kind, with a warmth in his eyes that he had never seen.</p><p>“Roman, I know that we have our differences,” Virgil started and Roman’s breath quickened. Virgil stopped advancing. “But no one deserves to go through a panic attack alone. I know that firsthand. Now,” Virgil’s voice was so soft, so familiar, the warmth of it wrapping around Roman’s heart and squeezing with an aching want. “Can I please touch you? I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to tell anyone of anything that happened.” </p><p>Virgil was well aware that he was shit at words. Roman looked more panicked than when he was trying to go through the attack alone. His face looked somewhat sunken in, now that Virgil thought about it, and he looked the most broken and afraid he had ever seen him. Virgil didn’t know Roman had the capacity to break this way until now. Roman shut his eyes tightly and nodded slowly.</p><p>Virgil approached the shaking boy again. He stood a distance away, as not to startle or frighten Roman more. The softest part of his heart, where the wall protecting it was knocked down by Creativity, ached for Roman. Years of insults and the occasional push seemed to disappear into distant memory as Virgil’s determination to help Roman took hold.</p><p>As gently as he could, Virgil took one of Roman’s shaking hands and placed it onto his own chest. He remembered Logan doing something like this for him the first time he had a full-blown anxiety attack in front of him. “In for 4 seconds,” Virgil calmly spoke, and breathed in for the allowed time. “Hold for 7 seconds,” he then held his breath with Roman staring at him with wide eyes. “And out for 8 seconds,” Virgil completed the pattern by breathing out, the fingers on his chest underneath his own moving slightly. </p><p>Virgil wasn’t looking at Roman, but instead was looking at the counter. Roman noticed the complete vulnerability that the other was showing him right now, as he took his hand in his own and placed it on his chest. As Virgil started to do the familiar breathing pattern, Roman stared at him. He complied, but couldn’t for the life of him shake the odd familiarity of the situation. He could see Virgil’s eyes twitch upwards to look at him through his fringe as Roman moved his fingers on his chest. Virgil’s fell into the places in between Roman’s fingers with a hitch of his breath. Roman could see the hitch, but he could also feel it. He could feel Virgil’s blood pumping through his heart as he breathed with him from his fingertips’ place over his chest.</p><p>“Again,” Virgil said and began to breathe in again. Roman followed his lead, panicked thoughts slowly beginning to diminish.</p><p>The two followed the breathing pattern silently for several more turns, Roman’s panic fizzling out with each new breath. He eyed Virgil cautiously, but couldn’t find any reason to worry. Virgil watched Roman as well, waiting for all of this to be a ploy to get him onto his soft side and use him, but nothing came. It was just the two of them, breathing, and calming Roman down from panic.</p><p>“Thank you,” Roman started after what felt like forever. His breathing was stable again, and he was no longer crying. The thoughts against his body were still there, but they seemed to dim with Virgil standing right there. “How did you know that breathing pattern?”</p><p>At the thought of Anxiety and the breathing pattern he used, Roman’s whole demeanor softened. It was like a push of a button. Roman’s hand was still on Virgil’s chest, but neither made a move to remove it. Virgil took a breath, giving fleeting eye contact.</p><p>“I got it off a website that I used to use to calm myself from a panic attack. Usually, now, my friend Creativity helps me go through it-“</p><p>Roman snatched his hand away, making Virgil look up surprised. He was holding his hand like he had been burned. He took several steps backward while maintaining a straight face. He didn’t portray any of the fear that was coursing through him. His worst enemy just saw him have (and helped him through) a panic attack, and now he knew about his online persona with which he shared his darkest secrets through?</p><p>“Who told you about that?” Roman’s tone was cold. He was gliding off of the panic attack, no feeling left to feel but numb. </p><p>Virgil looked shocked, clenching his jaw and taking a half step backward. Every part of his being was begging him to run, screaming at him to ditch the situation and get out when he can before he gets hurt. But Virgil needed to know. He stood his ground, fearful, his body starting to shake. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Virgil bit out from clenched teeth. His hands made balls of fabric in his fists.</p><p>“How do you know about my persona?” Roman didn’t look angry, and didn’t sound so. He was afraid but didn’t show it. He sounded too cool, too soft, too nonchalant. </p><p>In that moment it clicked with Virgil. Of course, he was Creativity. Virgil now knew that if Roman was Ivity, then everything he’s confessed to Anxiety was a lie.</p><p>Anxiety. What was Roman’s ploy? To get close to Virgil, to build him up before he came tumbling down? To make him finally kill himself and get himself out of Roman’s way? Was that all he wanted, for Virgil to just be gone and not a bother anymore? All those late-night texts and phone calls to calm him down; all of the secrets about body issues and sexuality, all of them a lie. A large lie carefully put together to get Virgil to the breaking point, and he was. Panic, fear, a crushing loneliness, a horrid sadness, and a heartbreaking betrayal sounded in Virgil’s heart as tears started to well.</p><p>“Flight or fight, am I right?” Virgil choked out, pushing past a now stunned-looking Roman. He hit his shoulder with his own on his way out, completely unintentional, as he fled to break.</p><p>His only safe place was a lie. The place where he felt the safest to be himself, the place where he was convinced that sticking around in this dreadful life could be good, was only a harmful fabrication. He was used, deceived once again in a way that hurt more than the first. Maybe he should have offed himself, taken his out when it was first given to him, to save him from this.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Roman and Virgil both have a hard time coming to terms with recent events. The two try desperately to cling to what they know, but what they know to do differ greatly in this situation. </p>
<p>content warnings: Preludes to parental abuse, denial, self isolation, intrusive thoughts</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>shhhimcreatingrn: Anxiety.. Please, answer me<br/>It’s been a week, I’m so worried. Please tell me you’re alright</p>
<p>Roman glanced up from his phone, looking his best friend dead in the eyes from across his bedroom. He was worried; they both were. The caring warmth the other held in his eyes knew nothing about what happened that day in the bathroom, as Roman was too scared and in denial to tell him. Patton gave a small encouraging grin that was laced with sadness and worry underneath. All the ginger knew was that Anxiety hasn’t responded to him all week, and with his history of suicidal thoughts, they were worried. He looked back down at his phone to continue to send repeated texts. </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: I’m sorry if I scared you or if it was something I did<br/>Please tell me you’re alright</p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: Cut the fucking act Roman<br/>I get it. It’s fine.</p>
<p>Roman took in a sharp intake of breath. He didn’t want to believe what Virgil said in the bathroom last week. He knew about Creativity and Anxiety’s username, but it couldn’t be true. Roman couldn’t have Virgil actually be Anxiety. He was falling in love, and he didn’t want it taken away by it being all a lie. He couldn’t believe it was true. Anxiety was such a different person than Virgil was. His nemesis was dense and unforgiving. He was standoffish and scary, ready to break someone in two if he needed. Anxiety was frail, lonely, someone who never wanted to hurt or be hurt again. He was someone who forgave and tried to forget the best he could. He had put up a facade for those who wouldn’t accept the forgiveness he offered and instead became someone who they thought he should be. Virgil wasn’t like Anxiety, and there was no way Anxiety could be like Virgil.</p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Virgil?<br/>I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything </p>
<p>flightorfightamiright: You don’t have anything to be sorry for Roman. I was the one who fell for your too sweet lies<br/>Goodbye Roman</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t want to do this. As he typed on his computer atop his bed, half of his brain was begging him to stop. Stop, let him explain, and fall into his arms like a sappy love story. But Virgil had to keep reminding himself that this wasn’t a love story, or a story with a happy ending. He was tricked, quite convincingly, into thinking that there was another person out there besides Logan who could care about him even in the slightest way. But he was wrong. Creativity didn’t exist. It was a lie, a mask made for the soul purpose of Roman being able to get into his secrets. All that Roman wanted to do was get close to him so that he could reveal his weak spots and hurt them too. Creativity never cared about him, no matter just how genuine it all felt. The care, the friendship, the protectiveness, the love was all just a cleverly fabricated lie. Virgil clenched his jaw and swallowed as more messages came in. </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Virgil wait<br/>Don’t go<br/>Please<br/>flightorfightamiright: I’m done with you </p>
<p>shhhimcreatingrn: Anxiety don’t go <br/>Virgil wait please<br/>Let me say I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry <br/>If sorry wont cut it, please tell me what will<br/>please</p>
<p>Roman looked back up at Patton, a peaceful moment hanging in the air. The clock on the wall ticked by innocently with the wind outside blowing unknowingly. The younger light blue swayed from side to side, unable to sit still in anticipation and longing to comfort. He sat on his hands on a white swivel chair, waiting to be called to help. Before the blue could break the silence with a question, Roman was a blur in standing. He twisted around and rose his hand high to the white walls, only to violently throw down his phone onto the bed. Patton rightfully was startled, the expression on his calm face tainting with a grim look. At the same second, Roman’s hands flew to his hair and begun pulling at the ends of the disheveled mess. </p>
<p>“What did he say?” Patton’s voice was quiet, but held a force to be reckoned with. He moved his upper torso forward, lifting his shoulders as he stayed sitting on his hands.</p>
<p>Roman took a deep breath through his nose, and moved his fingers from the ends of his hair to his neck with the exhale out his mouth. He looked up to the ceiling as the pained-looking smile covering his face was accompanied by a huffing laugh sort of sound.</p>
<p>“He won’t let me explain myself.” Roman said again with more of the huffing sound. He was shaking his head and still looking up as to not allow any spare tears to leak. Patton stood from his place of waiting and moved forward to his highly emotional friend, knowing that Roman was upset, frustrated, and above all, sad. He was clearly disappointed about whatever had happened, as evidenced by his sounds and movements.</p>
<p>“What happened?” Patton gently spoke, guiding Roman with a hand in between his shoulder blades to sit back onto the bed. He reassured Roman that he just wanted to help, but needed to know what happened so that he could help with a silence and a touch of the arm. As one hand continued to rub up and down Roman’s arm, the other rubbed circles from its position on his back.</p>
<p>“It’s Virgil.”</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>Virgil basically slammed his laptop closed, pushing it off of his lap and onto his bed quickly. He didn’t want to talk to Roman. In fact, Virgil had been ditching classes he shared with Roman purposely to avoid the boy. He was hiding in bathrooms, roaming the sport fields and exploring the small woods. He was cutting off all the ties that he held with him, trying to push him completely out of his life. Even more than before, Virgil wanted Roman gone. He could put up with the insults and the comments he knew were true, but knowing that Roman pretended to be Creativity to build him back up again was too much. Everything they said as their personas held too much emotion and truth. </p>
<p>The idea could barely stick itself in his head that Roman was Creativity and everything was a lie. All the conversations were so genuine that Virgil half-considered asking his confidant, no, his worst enemy, what his side of the story was. But he understood full well that he couldn’t do that. Roman was a prick, a giant asshole that never gave him the time of day before, so it was unbelievable that he would now. Roman needn’t worry about any rumors spreading about the lies; he wouldn’t share any of the true-sounding lies Creativity told, no matter how wrong they could be.</p>
<p>Virgil lowered himself from sitting against the headboard to crawling deeper underneath his comforter. He was tired, so fucking tired, but sleep had been evading him for the longest time. Ever since the beginning of the week, when he came face to face with the one he poured his heart out to, his mind was plagued with worry after worry. What if Roman would spill everything he said and make the world ridicule him? What if he would forcibly out him, putting their conversations on the school website like in Love, Simon? Virgil couldn’t have a happy ending like Simon did for too many reasons. Simon had friends and was relatively liked before he was outed. He had a caring, loving family that accepted him as soon as the word was out. Virgil had none of that. He didn’t have the friends, nor a millimeter of popularity, or even a happy home. He would be torn to the ground before he was even slightly built up again from the initial crash. </p>
<p> Virgil covered his eyes with his bare palms, now regretting his choice of a short-sleeve shirt. He was without sweater paws this way. It didn’t matter, he decided, as he curled into a ball underneath the covers. The ball-like form he was in, knees to his chest and arms around his legs, was a protective stance he armadillo-ed into when threatened. Either by his mind or his father, it seemed like the best way of comfort. The position was almost like a self hug, but without any of the warmth that Virgil assumed normal hugs would be like.</p>
<p>A loud crash interrupted his train of swirling thoughts, making his head duck farther into his knees. The action of crying barely came normally to him now, but the shaking of the body still did. His arms began to shiver first, closely followed by his legs and torso as a menacing, slurred voice called his name. Virgil regretted that he pushed Roman away as another yell sounded. Virgil wished Logan wasn’t out on a holiday with his family as he heard heavy footsteps. Virgil regretted coming home as the door slammed open.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Roman explains what happened with Anxiety as Virgil has a confrontation with his father. One ends with peaceful slumber while the other finishes with aching ‘sleep.’</p>
<p>content warnings: <strong>Physical abuse, violence</strong>, self blame, depreciating speech, intrusive thoughts</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“shhhimcreatingrn: Let me say I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry”</em>
</p>
<p>“Virgil?” The words left Patton’s lips before he could think twice about them, his hand stilling on Roman’s arm. A trickle of a cold, stinging feeling flowed its way around Patton’s heart, a sinking sensation in his stomach. Virgil wasn’t the best person in the world, and he acknowledged that. He was pretty rude most of the time, but that didn’t mean everything about him was bad. Still, whenever Roman brought the boy up, it usually was because of something he did to upset the Prince. Patton just hopped Virgil didn’t do anything to Anxiety.</p>
<p>“He’s-“ Roman cut himself off again, shaking his head before placing it in the crook of Patton’s neck. Immediately, he could feel the wet from Roman’s eyes on his skin. Slowly the sobs that the popular persona tried to contain escaped his lips and wracked his body. His chest moved up and down too quickly, but Patton continued to hold him. At some point, the two shifted on the bed for the younger to be able to hold the older easier. “He’s Anxiety. Th-the, the wh-whole time.”</p>
<p>Patton stopped. His mind stopped, shorting out with so much confusion. The broken, insecure mess that Anxiety was actually was the cold, menacing Virgil Sanders? At first, there was no way that he could piece that together. The two put out very different fronts of personalities that it was almost impossible to make comparisons, but once Patton thought about it, things began to make sense. Virgil always bit back, but he never started anything. From what Patton had read, Anxiety talked so deeply about hating the coldness he put forth, and that he never wanted to fight. When confrontation happened, Virgil never did anything other than small retaliation. Anxiety just wanted to protect himself from the popular person who hated him for some reason.</p>
<p>“Why is that bad? You know him… so you two can talk, explain yourselves?” Patton tried again after several moments of silence. Virgil and Roman were not on good terms. It wasn’t a secret, in fact, it was far from it. Everyone at their school knew about the deep-seeded rivalry that seemed to have started at some point in grade school. Anxiety and Creativity, on the other hand, were on the best terms that anyone could ever be on. Patton could see the happiness, care, and love he held for Anxiety so easily that he couldn’t even think to miss it. He didn’t want Roman to be hurt by this, but sometimes people aren’t who you think they are, for better or for worse.</p>
<p>“He won’t- he won’t let me,” Roman’s voice cracked. He was cracking, everything that he’s built up for himself coming tumbling down. He never wanted Patton to see just how weak he was. He was supposed to be the strong one, the one who knew what to do when things went wrong. He was the older one, so he needed to be able to show how strong he was in the face of adversity for Patton. But nothing about that was sticking. Roman was crumbling, and Patton was there to hold him.</p>
<p>“You can try and catch him at school. If- if not then maybe he just needs his space. This must have been a pretty big blow to him too… you guys don’t have the best history.” Patton’s arm tightened around his best friend with the most security he could muster. Roman nodded into his neck, a silent confirmation that that’s what they would do.</p>
<p>Eventually, they fell asleep like that. Roman was still cuddled up into Patton’s side, head nuzzled in his neck and arm over his torso. Patton still held onto him with the utmost care, protecting his friend inside his arms. But before that, inside his mind, Roman was going off the tracks. He was the reason for so much of Anxiety’s suffering. He was the one who threw taunt after taunt at Virgil day in and day out, not even stopping to think what he thought. Not once did Roman stop and think if Virgil’s homelife or mindstate was in so much shit that all he knew how to do was put up a facade. Roman should have seen through it; he put up a facade every day as well. Why couldn’t he see just how much he was hurting one of the only people with who he connected with?</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>Virgil wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. As soon as the door to his bedroom slammed open, everything went into slow motion like some sort of movie. His entire being was screaming at him to run, adrenaline and fear coursing through his veins as his heart violently beat, but all he could do was curl into himself more. He could vaguely hear the slow and heavy footsteps of his father entering the room and storming over to the bed. In his mind he could picture it clearly, recalling his stature from past memory. His hair is messy and standing on end with a sneer set hard on his face; his nostrils would be flaring with his shoulders dead set and fists hard at his sides. His chest is rising and falling with the most menacing precision, the anger coursing through his body making a singular vein pop out on his neck.</p>
<p>With a few more beating footsteps, Virgil felt something grab ahold of the blanket. What really happened in a few milliseconds felt like minutes. Virgil’s body tensed hard and all his shaking stopped. Any breath he had got caught in his throat, making air become trapped inside his lungs. Breathing out was not an option as he felt his father pull the blanket off of the bed. Virgil’s head was exposed first, which made time speed up again as all warmth was ripped away. His father scoffed at his curled-up position, but it didn’t last long, as Virgil was ripped up from the bed almost as quickly as he was discovered.</p>
<p>“You weak, pathetic thing,” his father slurred, his hand bunching together the fabric of Virgil’s shirt at the cuff of it. The man’s face was incredibly close to Virgil’s, allowing the boy to be able to smell the alcohol on his breath. Virgil’s face was frozen in fear, afraid. “Why didn’t you come when I fucking called you?”</p>
<p>Virgil wanted to run; he wanted to hide. He craved nothing more than to be free of the grasp of this man who called himself his father. He tried to shrink in on himself, his right hand fighting the wrist that bunched his shirt in its fist. His left joined it, but any and all words still sat like a lump in his throat. Virgil tried to look anywhere but at his father, but he couldn’t avoid the glaring eyes so close to his own.</p>
<p>“Answer me, boy!” A slap echoed in the room, Virgil’s face turning to its side with an unwanted force. His body stayed still as his hands slackened around his father’s wrist, before his entire being flinched away at the second raise of his father’s hand. Adrenaline that would serve no use made Virgil’s heart pound with harder force. The eyes that rarely shed tears began to well with them. “I said, ANSWER ME!”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry-“ Virgil’s broken voice spluttered, but it only earned him another sickening slap. His hands completely dropped from the harry wrist, moving instead to clasp the bottom hem of his shirt. He could feel his cheek heating, a throbbing numbness spreading across his face as he cast his gaze downward.</p>
<p>“I don’t want your weak-ass apologies,” His father forcefully maneuvered Virgil from the awkward standing angle by the bed to the middle of the room. He released Virgil, only to push him back on his shoulders. Virgil stumbled, but managed to maintain his balance. “Why have you been skipping, huh? You think I work my ass off to pay for those supplies for you to fucking slack off and ditch?”</p>
<p>“I-I..” Virgil knew he had nowhere to turn, stumbling on his words as he was moving closer and progressively growing louder. Virgil’s tongue was tied, and his hands were too. He cringed in on himself, but didn’t do more to explain or defend himself. Virgil understood that he couldn’t. He never had the capacity to reason with his father when he was in one of his drunken rages. Pain exploded in his stomach first, then bloomed in his torso with such ferocity that it almost made him double over. Before Virgil could, or do anything for that matter, forceful hands took hold onto his shoulders, and suddenly he was on the ground.</p>
<p>Everything else was a blur. Harsh words and heavy kicks rained down onto the boy on the floor. (Worthless) He was being brought up again, (useless) only to be pushed into the wall (failure). There was a hand near his neck (burden) and then he was on the ground again (you’ll end up like your mother). Virgil didn’t know how long it lasted. It could have been minutes or hours worth of time of his father releasing pent-up anger on him. All he knew was he was now bruised and unable to move, laying in the middle of the room with no one to call. His Logic was gone, and his Creativity was a lie. There was nothing left but to tell himself the truth, or to continue with this horrible lie of a life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One month after the loss of Anxiety</p>
<p>content warnings: self doubt, low body image, implied eating disorder, intrusive thoughts, broken heart</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Friday, April 14, 2017. One month since the loss of Anxiety</em>
</p>
<p>Roman shuffled the food on his plate around, pushing the veggie chips with his finger. His dominant hand flicked a pencil against a notebook while his eyes stared off into the group of trees of the green belt in the backyard. On the page shown were several crossed-out words just visible enough to read along with a few circled phrases. It was chaotic and messy, but overall showing what his creative process was. One phrase that stuck out to Roman was circled multiple times, reading <em>“He’s vigilant and I’m another wannabe vigilante.”</em></p>
<p>Roman bit his lip, furrowing his eyebrows and he concentrated on thin air. His pencil moved to write something else, the owner of the hand not looking down at it until midway through the sentence. Roman made a small grunting sound as he blew out of his nose, grimacing and shaking his head. He crossed out the new words on the paper, looking down at the circled phrase again. He poked the words with the tip of his pencil a few times before he was interrupted by the sound of a sliding glass door. He returned his gaze to the tree line before the new person joined him.</p>
<p>“Working on a song?” Patton lightly began to initiate small talk as he set his own plate down. He swung his legs over the white picnic table with a sunshine smile that rivaled the day’s warmth. They currently were at the younger’s house, taking a break from homework for lunch. The two had a half-day tradition to knock out their homework at one of their houses. It was easier with the routine, especially for Roman in his current distress. Patton had insisted that the two eat outside that day, as it was the first honest beautiful day in spring. The leaves on the trees were as green as they could come, the blossoms on some blooming with intense beauty. The sun was half-hidden behind thick, shapely clouds, but the blue sky could finally be seen.</p>
<p>Roman made a humming sound of confirmation in the back of his throat, but continued to stare off into nothingness. He did this frequently as he was thinking, as if he would see the right idea fly before his eyes. He mouthed a few words before raising his eyebrows and turning back to the paper. He wrote <em>“I’m tearing up hearts every way I go. He broke mine first, just so you know.”</em></p>
<p>“You know,” Patton pursed his lips, sitting down and seeing how little Roman had eaten already. He mentally made the note to make him finish some more of the lunch. “It’s not really a break if you continue to work on your <em>job</em>.”</p>
<p>“But-“ Roman started, only to pause. An idea struck and he wasn’t one to pass up the opportunity for a lyric. He wrote <em>“But I can’t see through him and he can’t see me”</em> before looking back up to Patton with a subtle somber look on his features. “But this isn’t for the label. It’s really gay.”</p>
<p>Patton’s basically permanent half smile faded down into a frown. The record label kept such strict rules on how Roman was to present himself. Apparently somewhere in his contract, it stated he couldn’t be seen doing sports, but needed to actively work out to maintain his broad shoulders. Roman’s shoulders were mostly the product of bone structure, so Patton couldn’t see how exercise would affect the broadness of them. Speaking of affecting things, Patton all but despised the fact that Roman had to keep the fact that he was gay a secret. Probably something to do with fangirls.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you submit it to the label anyways? You could make the case that you being quote unquote ‘bi’ could actually gain you more fans and media space.” Patton took a bite of his sandwich after he finished his mini reasoning session. Part of his knowledge was being the most active member of the GSA for their school besides it’s leader, and the other was because he found himself talking with Logan more often. Ever since the older began going to the club, they were talking. Not that Patton would admit it, considering Logan and Virgil are best friends and bringing up anything to do with Virgil usually results in an emotional breaking in Roman.</p>
<p>For a few moments, Roman considered it. He had an issue with using ideas that weren’t his own, mostly because of stupid reasons. Whenever another’s idea outshone his own, his first thought was that he wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t provide even the simplest of ideas without help, and if he didn’t have completely original ideas, he was worthless. Without originality, he let his label and his fans down. If he did that, he was utterly useless. He had been working on abolishing that destructive thought process with Anxie- </p>
<p>“You don’t have to have all the answers, Ro.” Patton interrupted the spiral of thoughts about him. Roman bit his lip, but began nodding. Slowly, his gaze that had fallen down to the table rose to meet the bright blue eyes of his best friend. Patton nodded encouragingly along with him, hoping that it would help his friend come to a conclusion. Roman’s teeth receded from pressing into his lips, his tongue momentarily licking where he had been biting it. </p>
<p>“I think I will but.. maybe not with this song. It’s about- well….” Roman dragged off, tapping his pencil onto the notebook again. His eyes dashed from the treeline to the garden gnomes and back around to several squirrels as he spoke. He was avoiding Patton’s gaze, but got distracted in the beauty of the day. “I have a few poems on Tumblr I want to convert to songs but...”</p>
<p>“You can tell your followers that you had a chance to team up with Princey and that you sold him the rights to the words or something.” Patton offered while he took a veggie chip off of Roman’s plate. The older expected the younger to eat it, but that wasn’t what was planned. Patton proceeded to shove the chip into Roman’s mouth, laughing at the surprise etched onto his face.</p>
<p>Roman chewed the chip with a coy smile. The singer’s face scrunched into something only to be described as the joy and light of the sun and then burst into laughter, launching himself up from the picnic table bench and running around it. Patton’s eyes grew with a spark of glee and a glisten of hope, a giggle escaping his mouth. He removed himself from the table as well, running out barefoot into the green grass. Roman began to chase Patton around the yard, playful revenge entangled in his laughs. Eventually, the elder caught up to the younger, tackling him down into the grass. A relentless tickle fight began with Patton snorting and laughing uncontrollably from where he was pinned underneath Roman’s tickling fingers. </p>
<p>Roman flopped down beside Patton after he felt the impromptu tickling session was complete. Both of the boys still had giggles trapped in their deep breathing and sun shining in their happily crinkled eyes. Patton pointed up the the sky, beginning to point out the several different shapes in the clouds. Roman joined, the two finding shapes and creating stories from the oddities.</p>
<p>It was in moments like this that Roman could forget the trail in his day to day. He could let it slip from his mind that he needed a new song to present to the record label in a week, or that he was on the up and up at all. He let himself forget all that happened with Anxiety as he stared up into the clouds with Patton. As he pointed out different funny shapes, Roman let his mind forget to hate the shape his own body had. With it just him, Patton, and the clouds, Roman could peacefully relax without any taunting of his mind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Two months since the loss of Creativity</p>
<p>content warnings: Self-depreciation, references to abuse, reference to past death, crying, rooftops, stargazing</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Saturday, May 20, 2017. Two months since the loss of Creativity</em>
</p>
<p>Virgil could see everything from up there. He could see all the lights that were still on at the late hour, as well as the gaps of darkness. It was peaceful, with the wind whipping through his hair, making it bounce, and whispering a foreign promise to his ear. The cold wrapped around his body like a reverse blanket, snatching all the heat from his body. If he wasn’t wearing his sweatshirt up here, he wouldn’t be able to stand the night’s air. Not like that mattered much to him anyway.</p>
<p>Virgil always liked it up here. He loved just being able to just be. With it only him and the stars above, he didn't need to worry about the world underneath him. Virgil could just watch from here up on his roof, content to silently contemplate with the stars. A particularly strong gust of wind blew on Virgil’s back, making the boy shiver. He probably should be getting back to his room, but he had no desire to. Up on the roof, he was Virgil. Down in his room, he was just another burden.</p>
<p>There were very few places now that Virgil was just Virgil and nothing else. The prospect of only being himself was almost unthinkable now. Almost every single one of the places he was just Virgil either disappeared with the years or crumbled before his eyes. But to Logan, he was just Virgil. Just Virgil, who he drove to school and helped with homework. Just Virgil, who he laughed with and protected when he could. Just Virgil who was his friend, and who came overnight frequently with fear in his eyes. Just Virgil, who Logan would be leaving for college in just a few months. </p>
<p>Other than Logan, he had the roof. With the rooftop, it wasn’t anything like how he was with Logan. Sure, he loved the smart tie-wearing boy, but Virgil was still just another burden on the older’s already heavy shoulders. Just Virgil, the reason Logan felt guilty in leaving to his dream college, because Logan could no longer help Virgil if he was that far away. Being up there, in the cold night wind all alone, was the only time he was truly Virgil anymore. Alone with the night sky was the single place he couldn’t burden others.</p>
<p>The boy brought his legs up to his chest, trying to keep some heat in his body. He cranked his neck, head falling back, so he could look straight up at the stars. His hair flopped back ungracefully as he maintained the odd position of his neck. Half of it was still on his forehead while the other stood on its ends, falling back with gravity. It felt odd to not have the mess of purple covering his eyes. A surprisingly steady breath escaped him and dissipated toward the stars. He could see why Logan liked the night sky so much; they both would have to go stargazing again.</p>
<p>A thought cut itself through Virgil’s mind, making a pang stab at his heart. Creativity-no, Roman-said he always dreamed of going stargazing with someone. Virgil’s face twisted, his eyes squeezing shut and his teeth moving to worry his lip between them. The unsafe habit of letting his mind think back to the conversations he had with Ivity still managed to take hold of his thoughts. Virgil tried so hard to convince the rest of his mind, and his heart, that those secrets and warm words were all a <em>lie</em>. </p>
<p>But somehow, he couldn’t. No matter what Virgil tried, his thoughts always weaved their way back to him. When he found himself, usually on the floor, after particularly hard confrontations or difficult days, he thought back to a small tidbit of conversation with Ivity. How Iv- Roman managed to calm him down from panic attacks, or sent message after message of reassurance on his worst days. Virgil hugged onto his knees tighter. Even if Virgil tried to scold himself, degrade himself, on how he couldn’t keep latching onto lies, he still didn’t forget. As tears flowed down his cheeks on those bad days, mustering the strength to yell in his own head that none of those sweet words mattered. </p>
<p>Virgil’s breath hitched, but he managed to breathe out smoothly enough. He raised his hand to use his finger to connect the dots of the Big Dipper. It was upside down, but that was okay, since it was the only constellation he knew. His frown that managed to settle on his pale face deepened as his train of thought finally derailed from Creativity, but onto a deeper subject.</p>
<p>The boy alone on the roof remembered when his mom showed him the constellation’s place in the sky. They were laying down in the backyard of Virgil’s childhood home, stargazing because it was the first clear night in weeks. He could recall the light in her eyes as she pointed out the different stars and shapes they made to her son. Virgil’s eyes closed, and he could feel pressure rising behind his eyes and nose. His frown turned upwards slightly, but stayed mostly down. The boy was suddenly a child again, and he could feel his mother’s soft black hair underneath his head. He could feel her hand atop his and see her free arm pointing up to draw the Big Dipper. He could hear the whisper of her voice in the wind, telling him that the Big Dipper was the ladle that the universe soup spilled out of.</p>
<p>Virgil’s pitch dark eyes opened once again to find himself staring at the collection of stars. His vision turned completely blurry, the sky of yesteryear still ingrained in his memory. He could hear her heartbeat, so steady and strong, fade away into nothingness with the switching off of a motion-activated light. A broken word left his lips, too mangled by the breathy sob that came with it to be clear. A tear landed on his hand, which made him blink away the rest. </p>
<p>The happiness that covered the memory more efficiently than the darkness covered the earth at night was slowly fading away. The harsh truth of reality was crashing back as Virgil buried his head in his knees. He buried away the memory as well, trying to maintain himself on the complex's rooftop. He had to bury the thought of her before her burial smothered him, took hold of all emotions. Virgil didn’t know how to do this properly, how to grieve. He had that right stolen away from him when the hurt was fresh; taken away selfishly by his father who made him mature far too quick. It had already been so long without her that he didn't understand the way to look back without reopening the wound. Creativity would. He could help Virgil, but that wasn’t an option anymore. And at this point, Virgil didn’t know if it ever was.</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>The sky hated him today. The night prior, everything had been clear for the first time in weeks. In the middle of all the turmoil that plagued Virgil’s ever conscious mind, the clouds decided to depart to allow him to replay a bittersweet memory. In the presence of the sunlight, the clouds gave no such grace. They gathered and they stormed, obscuring sun and bringing out even colder wind. Water was in the air, hanging from above and waiting to be dropped. The sidewalks were darker, as were the shadows along them. </p>
<p>Virgil came to a stop, looking up from the pavement underneath his thinning black converse. The soles of the shoes would wear through soon, but he didn't have anything to replace them. Duck Tape would do again, although the rain would prove a challenge against them. He shifted his hands inside his pockets, the fabric rubbing up against him. He could feel the cold of the zipper from underneath his thin shirt. After a few more moments, Virgil was able to cross the street, leaving The Wooden Dog Complex to venture to The Wooden Dog. His feet picked up his pace as he neared the end of the street, eventually hopping up onto the other sidewalk before the walking timer turned to ten.</p>
<p>Virgil was on his way to Logan’s house, which happened to be across the street and at the very back of the neighborhood. Technically speaking, Virgil was just going deeper into his own housing development, since his father’s condo and Logan’s home shared the same name and original developers. After last night, and the almost revelation the purple-haired boy had about his lack of safe spaces, Virgil decided to tell Logan the truth. Not the whole truth of everything, and definitely not the second reason why he was leaving his own living area and was on the roof last night. Instead, Virgil would tell his best friend that he found out who Creativity was two months ago, and that he was absolutely crushed when he did. </p>
<p>Words were definitely not Virgil’s strong point. He could describe his feelings through words in a relatively okay way online, but he was lost when he didn’t have a screen before him. Talking to people was hard enough as it is, and piling on trying to explain something highly emotional just made everything more difficult. Even worse was when Virgil tried to explain what he was feeling to a person who also didn't know how to describe feelings. </p>
<p>Virgil ducked his head again to watch each step he took as he continued into the neighborhood. As the music that played through his headphones underneath his hood washed over him, he silently hoped that the rain would stay away today.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Virgil’s mind spirals farther and farther down as he mindlessly walks the path to Logan’s house. When he arrives, Logan’s mind begins to reel into his own thinking process. </p>
<p>content warnings: Physical and emotional abuse discussed, manipulation discussed, Deceit (Damien) mentioned, few swears</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>shhimcreatingrightnow: I’ve given you your space for months now,, I understand what happened before but I promise I’m not like him. Please, let me tell my side of things, Virgil<br/>I miss you</em>
</p>
<p>Virgil’s eye-line stuck mostly to the ground a few feet in front of him on his walk. He sometimes let his gaze wander to the street when a car approached, but the inexplicable urge that came about to leap out before the moving vehicle stopped him from doing so. He kept on as much alert as he could with two of his scenes mostly blocked out. His vision was impaired with his hoodie and low eyeline, and his hearing was limited with the quiet music leaking from his headphones. Not that he cared much. Well, he did care, a lot. Virgil continually looked back behind him, finding excuses to look into the street for oncoming assailants. It was all counterproductive, his paranoia, but none of Logan’s impeccable logic could convince him that there wasn’t someone breathing down his neck. </p>
<p>Virgil had an understandable love-hate relationship with walks. He loved the calmness of it, being able to just go where his feet took him. He liked that he could just breathe in the moisture-filled air in this time of year, walking alone with no one to make him talk. The serenity of the walks as the trees swayed gently in the wind was enough to convince him to keep going on them. The opposite side of the coin, though, was that there were a lot of things that could go wrong while he walked alone. His music that he loved and thought was an essential part of the walk-taking experience limited the amount of things he could hear. If he couldn’t hear someone approaching, then he couldn't prepare himself. Virgil’s tendency to look at the ground and hunch his shoulders also provided difficulty; if he couldn't see danger coming, then he had no way to protect himself.</p>
<p>Virgil always had to be able to protect himself. If he wasn’t careful, he knew full well what would happen. He would get hurt. If he didn't do something just the right way, or he spaced out into nothingness and missed something important, he would get hurt. There wasn't any way of avoiding it either. Whether it was yelling, passive-aggressiveness, or physical punishment, a part of Virgil would be broken. The boy with the hard outer shell understood too completely that pain didn't have to be physical to make someone fall apart. </p>
<p>His father taught him the darkness of physical punishment. The man took it upon himself to beat the submissiveness and learning into him. It hadn’t always been that way, but the discipline the man used had become so regular that Virgil could hardly remember a time when things were better. Way back when his mother was still alive, the harshest punishment his father inflicted was loud, loud, with an object taken away. Now discipline was loud, louder, deafening, with an object hitting his skin. He told him that his son deserved to be punished, to be put in his place for all the mean wrongdoing that he's done. The harsh dark of his father’s reality pushed Virgil farther into too sweet words that wreaked of manipulation. </p>
<p>Damien graciously showed him the mental scars that emotional manipulation could cause. The older boy-who Virgil acknowledged was now in college with a shiver down his spine-made it his personal, sick mission to create as much dependency in Virgil as possible. He fought with words, sickly sweet promises, and never-ending lies. When Virgil latched onto Deceit, and when Damien hooked Virgil onto his line, the walls that covered the younger’s heart grew tenfold. Deceit convinced him to be the worst possible version of Virgil he could be, saying that in doing so he was strong. Damien was creating a villain for his own control, but the small speck of light that was Logan managed to wiggle its way back into his life. With that spark Logan started a flame, and the flame burned through most of the deception.</p>
<p>As his mind went along on its usual tangents whenever it was left to wander, Virgil managed to walk just over halfway into the neighborhood. His feet had walked this path so many times before that he neglected to realize just how far he walked until another car drifted past him. The sound of the engine and the rush of wind that blew harshly onto him as it passed pulled Virgil out of his mind and back to the present. Virgil’s feet stopped cold, allowing their owner to stop to take a moment to collect himself. He couldn't allow his mind to drift there so deeply again. Not only was it unproductive to dwell on the past, but having it sink deeper into his mind would reverse so much progress made with Creativity.</p>
<p>Ivity. Virgil’s current problem. Some would think that his father was his ongoing problem, something that must have had much more weight in Virgil’s mind than someone catfishing him, but Virgil’s mind worked differently. It worked wrongly. The hunched, broken, standoffish boy began to think of his father’s ways of something daily: ordinary. The kind of crushed that he felt when Roman of all people was made out to be Ivity took more precedence over the ordinary. Unlike with Damien, Roman had always seemed genuine. There wasn't one moment when in a conversation with Creativity did Virgil have any second guesses of his nature. Roman was constant in what he had to say, and how he presented it. Deceit jumped too far over the board, and more than once broke his masquerade of kindness to reprimand Virgil for something. There were two sides to Deceit, but Creativity only had one.</p>
<p>Virgil shook his head violently and resumed his steps. He couldn't think this deep about Roman right now, not before telling Logan what happened. Virgil needed to keep a clear head. He needed a mind space where his father didn't exist, and neither did the two who betrayed his trust online. He couldn't be thinking about the men who broke him, because if he did, he would break down. The one thing besides ever telling Logan the severity of most of his issues that Virgil swore never to do again was breakdown in front of Logan. The logical thinker would realize too quickly just how fucked up his friend was, and then he’d decide that Virgil wasn't worth the trouble.</p>
<p>In the midst of his chaotic, overflowing thinking, Virgil reached the road down to Logan’s house. He closed his eyelids, letting the heaviness weigh down onto them for a moment. He pushed everything away and down just for a little while. He became light, airing, floating away from the pavement into a state of something much calmer. The calm barely lasted, though, as the one emotion he couldn’t push away came crashing back when he saw Logan’s house in the distance. To hide the ever-growing fear, Virgil placed on his facade of the short-tempered and pushy kid that the Brian family knew him to be.</p>
<p>Luckily for Virgil, the sun was still high in the sky despite the clouds obscuring its light. Usually, his long walk down into the more prestigious neighborhood occurred at nightfall, so he usually used the back door. Today, though, and on other occasions such as this, Virgil felt free enough to ring the doorbell and possibly be greeted by a family member other than Logan. So Virgil’s feet found themselves atop the old welcome mat, his hands still in his pockets. After the last few moments of constructing his face into that of a grim scowl, Virgil pulled his hand out of his hoodie and pressed the doorbell.</p>
<p>It took a few moments, but the door soon swung open to reveal a ten-year-old girl who held a striking resemblance to Logan with her dark brown hair and deep blue eyes. Those eyes, however, were currently glaring daggers at Virgil. Her face was scrunched up with something like a mini mom glare, and it was kind of adorable. It would be actually adorable if the reason behind the glare wasn't as hard pressing as it was.</p>
<p>“What do you want.” Olivia looked Virgil up and down with a touch of disgust. Virgil always said that he didn’t mind the way that Logan’s family treated him. Of course, they all were just cautious. Virgil wasn't exactly the kind of person to look inviting or anything less than intimidating. </p>
<p>“Well I was looking for the Brian’s house, but clearly I got the wrong address.” Virgil seethed through slightly parted lips, regretting the words immediately. Serves her right, he tried to convince himself, for treating him that way.</p>
<p>Olivia made another snarl and let out a scoff, going to roll her eyes before Logan appeared behind her. The older brother caught sight of his friend standing in the doorway, hunching over with that all-too-familiar grimace on his face. Logan halted in his footsteps, walking backward to get a full look of the situation unfolding at his doorway. Virgil’s eyes caught his, which made him immediately begin towards the two at the door.</p>
<p>“‘Lia, what’s happening here?” Logan asked as he placed a hand on his younger sister’s shoulder. He gave a glance of apology to his friend in the doorway, but that only made the younger squint his eyes and hunch over more. There seemed to be a little sneer on his face. Logan pursed his lips, wonder still overflowing his mind. He knew that Virgil disliked putting out anything other than this hardened face in front of strangers and peers, but the logical one still didn't understand why he would feel the need to keep it up here. Virgil was practically family with how often he came over, and with the fact that Logan cared for him deeply. He just wanted his family to see his friend in the same light that he does.</p>
<p>“The gothic boy is back.” Olivia retaliated with a small half-smile that held the smallest bit of real emotion. Her kind eyes and sweet facial features were so at home on her face when she looked at her brother. It was easy to see that the girl cared for her sibling, and the way that her face naturally melted into the less distasteful expression signified just how much she didn’t like Virgil. Like he thought before, Virgil didn’t mind how the Brian family thought of him. He couldn’t possibly; he had too many other things to worry about. Besides, keeping up the darker persona around Logan’s family just helped his societal image come together as someone who you’d rather not mess with, unless you want a pretty bruise as well.</p>
<p>“Do you need help with physics again?” Logan asked, his gaze becoming ever so slightly serious. Virgil’s head inclined with the slightest of movements with that word. That was the two’s code of sorts that they would use if Virgil needed to be patched up, but more into that later.</p>
<p>“No, I just want to talk...about something.” Virgil shoved both of his hands deeper into his pockets and made his shoulders rise and enclose his neck to make an awkwardly looking hunch of sorts. The shrug that wasn’t exactly a shrug passed back down into Virgil’s normal slouched standing position. Logan tilted his head up and raised a lone eyebrow in confusion, but gently lead his sister away from the door.</p>
<p>“Alright, Olivia,” Logan started quicker than he usually spoke. “Thank you for answering the door.”</p>
<p>“But-” Olivia tried to say, only to be turned around and directed back toward where she was doing homework at the table. </p>
<p>“Just get finished on that homework, okay?” Logan finished talking to his younger sister with a small smile before hurriedly turning toward his friend still waiting in the doorway. It was irregular that Virgil would show up at Logan’s doorstep unannounced, even rarer doing so and not wanting ‘help with physics.’ Virgil didn’t even take physics. The only conclusion that Logan’s mind could come to in the middle of this fast pace moment was that Virgil was finally ready to actually tell him the thing that Logan had been wondering about. What thing? Well, Logan only knew it by one name: Mr. Sanders.</p>
<p>Mr. Sanders was arguably not a good man. Logan had been theorizing for quite some time some things that he would rather not make a hypothesis on but he did anyway. They always lead him to concern whenever his best friend’s dad was involved. The one thing Logan did not want to do, not now nor ever in his lifetime, allowed Virgil to get hurt without helping him. The older felt as though it were his personal duty, as he was Virgil’s self-proclaimed older brother, to protect him. The obvious signs of severe neglect and touch starvation that the younger exhibited broke Logan’s heart into a million different pieces, but he never knew how to help.</p>
<p>Whenever Virgil would arrive at Logan’s back door with pleading and fear in his eyes, Logan’s inner speculation worsened. The purple-haired boy would rarely tell the older just how he got the wounds scarring his skin, and if he did, it was only small excuses. On the worst night that he saw him (March 21st, to be exact), Virgil confessed that he was mugged, but the assailant didn't get away with much in the way of money, only in hurting the smaller.  Logan wanted to believe this, but with the way Virgil squirmed and refused to maintain eye contact, he couldn’t. The best logical explanation to Logan’s favorite human being constantly rough around the edges with broken and bruised skin was parental abuse. </p>
<p>The figures don't lie either. It is significantly more likely for a parent who lost their spouse to abuse their child, all the while more probably for them to blame their child for the death. Once Logan added Virgil’s father’s alcoholism, neglect of his child, and Virgil’s skin as evidence, it was all too likely that Virgil was being abused. And what could Logan do other than fix him up when he asked and offer a safe place to sleep? Virgil hasn’t disclosed any factual words about Logan’s speculation. The younger rarely asked for anything concerning safety or care for wounds either. All Logan had to go on was probability. Since he swore many months ago that he wouldn’t ask questions in exchange for Virgil being more comfortable with going to Logan for help, he couldn’t ask any questions either. But now, it seemed as though Logan was about to get all the questions he stored inside his head answered. Hopefully.</p>
<p>When he turned back toward his friend, Virgil gave a fleeting upright twitch of his lip. Logan followed and gave his own, ignoring his current lengthy thought process. The oldest Brian child opened the door wider to make room for his younger friend on the porch to enter. “What are you doing out there still? Come on, it’s cold.”</p>
<p>With that last remark, Virgil entered Logan’s house and the two ventured to Logan’s room in the back of the house. Virgil would like to have said that his hands were shaking from the cold, but that was certainly not the case. Not one bit.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: Need of permission stemmed by abuse, guilt, slight panic attack, mention of face bruising, brief insomnia mention, few swears</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The awkward shuffle of feet. The silent pressing weight down onto his shoulders. The clasped hands in his lap. The fear pricking at his neck that made droplets of a cold sweat form near the hairs standing on their ends. The sound of a closing door. Logan was sitting on the bed now, opposite of where Virgil sat in his desk chair. Eyes were pressing into his chest, a gaze filled with the want to know. Logan wasn’t doing it intentionally; his craving to understand everything got in the way of how he usually handled these types of situations. Virgil’s leg was wobbling from side to side now, lip bitten and eyes darting back and forth. It was too much; the pressure was too much.</p>
<p>“Can I go to the...the bathroom real quick?” Virgil near whispered, making Logan all but snap right out of the curious haze that he found himself in. Virgil didn’t see this, as his eyes refused to make any sort of contact with Logan’s form. Instead they decided to focus on his own feet, and the plastic over the carpet floor underneath them.</p>
<p>“Of course you can,” Logan began with slight hesitation. Virgil heard him shift on the bed. “You’ve been here enough times that you really don’t have to ask anymore.” </p>
<p>That was all the confirmation that he needed. Granted--according to Logan--he didn’t need to ask for permission. But he still did, as Virgil wasn’t accustomed to doing anything in anyone’s presence without specifically seeing if it was okay or not. Old habits die hard, even though it technically isn't an old habit per say. The boy with a rapidly pounding heart slowly stood from the spinny chair, careful not to make it spin around as he did so, and proceeded to leave the bedroom.</p>
<p>As soon as he left, Logan brought a hand up to his temple. He shouldn’t have been pressing his eyes and his undying need to know into his friend. He let out a small groan and let his other hand join the first on his head before leaning over to set his elbows on his thighs. In this new leaned-over position, he closed his eyes and attempted to think of another strategy. Of course the brooding, anxious mess that was Virgil would think the worst of what would happen once he told Logan whatever he was going to tell him. Logan took a deep breath, following the pattern that he used when Virgil came to him when panicking. He recently took to using it for himself when he was increasingly stressed, and it seemed to help just as much as it helped Virgil. </p>
<p>Logan acknowledged that in this friendship, he was usually the rock. There was nothing wrong with that; Virgil desperately needed someone he could trust. But in order to be that rock, Logan needed to put away that ever-present theorizing part of his brain. It was difficult for him to do, as analyzing everything was second nature to him. Currently, though, the fact that one of his theories could be proven true was not the priority of the situation. The priority was Virgil being okay, and if he wasn’t, for Logan to help him be okay. The eldest Brian child took another deep breath and put aside his curiosity for the better of his friend.</p>
<p>Virgil, on the other hand, was not being as calm and logical about the situation at hand. He locked the bathroom door after he closed it, immediately leaning over the sink. He didn’t have to use the bathroom in all actuality, but he was fairly positive that Logan knew that too. Bathrooms were safe places. They were where Virgil could go to cry, clean himself up, or be alone. They had locks. Locks meant that people couldn’t get in and hurt him. It also meant that he couldn’t get out without unlocking it, but he didn’t like to think about that.</p>
<p>The boy leaning over the sink turned on the water by turning both the hot and cold faucets equally. He let the water flow for a few moments before testing the heat with one of his hands, his breathing starting to become uneven. Lukewarm, just like he liked it. Virgil took a moment to attempt to concentrate on his breathing, shakily taking in a long breath as he pushed up the sleeves of his hoodie. After they were at his elbows, he cupped the semi-cold water in his hands and brought it to his face. His heartbeat was still heavy and fast, but the splash of the water on his face calmed it some. Virgil repeated the action, also repeating a mantra in his head of ‘Its okay; he’ll understand.’</p>
<p>After a few more times of water meeting his face, Virgil heard a tentative knock on the bathroom door. It was Logan, it had to be. No one else in this house knocked like that when a door was locked.</p>
<p>“Virgil?” the soft and concerned voice of Logan proved him right. “You’ve been in there a while. Are… you safe?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I just-” Virgil paused. Logan always knew when he was lying, for some reason. He also appreciated the other’s use of ‘safe’ instead of ‘alright.’ If Virgil knew anything, it was that his normal state of being didn’t really fall under the ‘alright’ category. “Stressed. Coldwater helps.”</p>
<p>“I… I’m sorry if I put pressure on you. Will you maybe open the door for me?” Logan’s voice held nothing else but sincerity. It was only when the two were alone that he heard this amount of emotion in the older’s voice.</p>
<p>The sincerity alone made a pull on Virgil’s heart. The amount of care that Logan held toward him always pulled on him to let the other help. Virgil turned off the water, then quickly dried most of his face off with the hand towel hanging on the wall. He pulled down his sleeves, readying himself before opening the door.</p>
<p>It was times like these when Logan got to take a good, long, and hard look at what Virgil looked like. These times were rare, as the younger absolutely despised being stared at, especially in public. Virgil didn’t mind these specific times of prolonged looking as others, mostly because he knew that it was just a way for Logan to assess what exactly was wrong with Virgil. </p>
<p>The very first thing that Logan noticed, the most evident thing, was that there was a fading bruise on the edge of Virgil’s jaw. Next, as his eyes grazed over the younger’s face extensively, he found that Virgil’s cast-down eyes were sunken in more than usual. That would mean that there hasn’t been much sleep. It was almost hard to tell that the bags underneath Virgil’s eyes were so prominent, but Logan had years of examining Virgil’s face under his belt. The black under-eye makeup couldn’t deceive Logan anymore. After acknowledging the sleepless eyes, Logan’s own eyes drifted to his friend’s purple hair. It was slightly rustled underneath the hood that was still over Virgil’s head, but that had basically become the norm for the younger.</p>
<p>After the fair few seconds of looking at every part of Virgil’s face, Logan moved forward with cautious footsteps. He gently placed his hands on his friend’s shoulders atop the heavy black jacket. The touch was extremely light, so if Virgil wanted to move away, he could. This shoulder touching was common, especially when Logan saw that Virgil needed comfort. When he felt the small touch underneath his jacket, Virgil unconsciously closed his eyes momentarily and leaned into it.</p>
<p>“You are safe here. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, Virgil. We’ve already been over this. I care for you deeply, okay?” Logan spoke in his lower register, but not because he was angry or upset. Usually, he used this lower but smooth tone to calm Virgil down from panic, and by the looks of it, he was close to an unhealthy level of panic already. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Lo. I’m just… Scared, is all? I know logically that you,” there was a pause as Virgil opened his eyes and gathered together his words. “That you care for me, and that you wouldn’t be mad at me? For what…” Virgil let out a breath, letting his tense shoulders relax. “For what it’s worth, I’ve been trying to syke myself up to tell you for a couple of months now.”</p>
<p>Somehow, Virgil still held himself in an incredibly uncomfortable way. Logan released his hands from his shoulders, taking a deep breath himself as he watched Virgil sag back down and away from Logan’s touch. Logan’s eyebrows creased on their own accord as Virgil’s eyes cast themselves downward on their own as well. The two were at an impasse. One wanted to help, and the other wanted him to help too, but was still too caught up in his own fears. This, however, was an occurrence that happened often. Luckily, because it was a common thing, Logan knew how to combat it.</p>
<p>“Well, I did just get a new constellation puzzle, so maybe you could help me with that instead?” Logan shifted the conversation. Virgil lit up for a moment, his dark brown eyes sparking with a small excitement and connecting with Logan’s blue ones. He dimed to a small glow, a content smile settling on his face, as he began to nod. Logan nodded as well, a very similar smile settling on his face as well. He gestured his head back toward his room before leading the way back there.</p>
<p>When Virgil entered Logan’s bedroom for a second time that day, he got confused with himself. He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he neglected to see the start of a puzzle atop Logan’s desk. He was sitting in that desk chair not moments ago, and for some reason, Virgil decided not to look at the actual desk. His shoes and the floor just seemed so much interesting in the moment, apparently. Now that he was getting a good look at it in the half natural light of the bedroom, Virgil could see that there was the border of a dark blue and purple puzzle with flecks of white. </p>
<p>Virgil sat down on the spinny office chair as Logan pulled up the extra normal chair sitting in the corner of the room. He liked puzzles. More importantly, Virgil liked the repetitiveness of putting a puzzle together. It was calming, and it gave him something semi-productive to keep himself focused on. Logan enjoyed completing puzzles as well. He could put together the five-hundred pieces that made up the constellations he had on his desk alone in a few hours, but it was more enjoyable when he worked on them with Virgil. The two could spend forever together relishing in the quiet as they finished putting together all the parts until a clear picture formed.</p>
<p>~•~</p>
<p>The words that Virgil planned for the original reason he came over to Logan’s house began to rise in his throat after about an hour and a half of silently putting together the puzzle. He could feel it steadily rising, begging for attention as the consonants and vowels became a lump in his throat. Virgil stole a glance back at Logan who was obviously continuing to search where a specific puzzle piece would go. Of course he didn’t know what was lumping below Virgil’s Adam’s apple. Logan wasn’t physic. Virgil replaced his eyes on the piece in his hand, gulping to try and keep the words down. This didn’t work in the slightest, so he decided to just rip it off like a band-aid.</p>
<p>“Ivity was Roman.” Virgil mumbled out quickly, the words meshing together to almost sound incoherent. He kept his eyes trained on the blue and slightly white piece of cardboard in his hand. He didn't want to see Logan’s reaction. </p>
<p>Logan, however, snapped his neck towards Virgil right as he began to speak. His eyebrows lifted as his jaw simultaneously slackened. He was right. Well, it wasn’t the theory that he had hoped to be confirmed today, but at least it was one of them. Almost since the start of Virgil and Creativity's friendship, Logan had started theorizing on who he could be. Disclosing how long he had been trying to figure out who it was, and that he had been thinking that Roman was Creativity for a while now, was out of the question. Virgil already was so tense about this conversation, so there had to be a reason.</p>
<p>“I… had been thinking so for a while now,” Logan picked his words as carefully as he could as he turned to face his torso to Virgil. He set down the puzzle piece in his hand and adjusted his glasses. “I overheard Patton and Roman talking about an online friend Roman possessed having anxiety. That’s what sparked the idea in the first place. Even more so when Patton dropped the word ‘anxiety’ in a name-like fashion, but at that point, I couldn't tell if it was the disorder or your alias. Then, in the hall, when I mentioned your Tumblr internet friend, Roman perked up without meaning to. But that’s only to name a few.”</p>
<p>Virgil was silent for a moment, still looking away, before saying, “So you knew? And you didn’t tell me?” He began to fiddle with the piece he held. His voice sounded so hurt, so broken, that it made Logan’s heart twinge. </p>
<p>“I wanted to,” he started again with full truth enveloping his words. “But I didn’t want to break the relationship you two had. If I did, would you have cut contact with him?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Virgil responded almost immediately. “I would rather have had the illusion broken earlier on than live in the lie that I was.”</p>
<p>“I take it that you… You cut contact with him, haven't you?” There was a tentative nod of Virgil’s head. “From what I heard and saw, Roman wasn’t lying.”</p>
<p>“Don’t try and fucking say that,” Virgil bit back, rolling the chair away from Logan. “There wouldn’t have been any other reason. Why? Take one look at Princey. He has everything.”</p>
<p>“Having everything doesn’t mean you can’t be in pain.” Logan retaliated, making the room become incredibly quiet. No one spoke for what felt like several minutes, but in reality, was only one. Logan took a deep breath, returning to the puzzle. The last thing Logan wanted was for Virgil to go down into another spiral. He could never forgive himself if he was the reason that his best friend had yet another sleepless night.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry if I sounded harsh,” there was true sorrow behind Logan’s voice. The phonation of the words rose through the sentence as if it were a question. “Maybe, just maybe, think about it?”</p>
<p>As a matter of fact, Virgil was already thinking about it. He was pondering the validity of cutting Roman completely out of his life, but his mind was not having it. Despite the secondary look at who Creativity was, Virgil couldn’t shake the fear of everything being a well-crafted lie. He wondered as he continued to stare at a new puzzle piece if everything in this messy situation could be put together and shown as clear as a finished puzzle. In Virgil’s current view it never may, but then again, maybe he just didn’t have all the pieces to the picture yet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: abandonment issues, crying, self-deprecating thoughts, lowkey guilt-tripping, pondering on thoughts, songwriting</p>
<p>a patton chapter! i probably should be putting my original author's notes but eh</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The most practical next step of action was simple. Patton understood that. It was very easy to understand, but for the most idiotic reason, he couldn’t. It wasn’t logical at all, but then again, logic was never his department. It was always Logan’s, and Logan was the problem. Not him himself, but he was heavily involved. The real culprit was time and education, although it was bad to blame anyone for the current situation. Patton liked to place blame, whether it be on himself or something else, because then who was right and who was wrong could be clear. In this situation, though, no one was at fault, so maybe that was the very problem.</p>
<p>Another sinking feeling in Patton’s chest made him open his mouth ajar, almost gasping for a breath. The sensation twisted itself into his gut, prompting Patton to screw his eyes shut, clenched his jaw, and shake his hand. No, the problem wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t cut and dry. It was Patton, sitting criss-cross on the floor of his bedroom in the dark with his phone in his hands, lit up, with his thumb hovering over Logan’s contact.</p>
<p>Patton felt a prick of pressure begin to build behind his eyes, the pressure traveling into his sinuses and making his nostrils flare. He didn’t want to cry, but here he was with his phone screen blurring. It was silly, really. Logan had only been gone for a few months or so, but the contact that the younger had with him tapered off into something nonexistent. The sinking feeling reared its ugly head once again, this time traveling farther into his throat instead of his stomach.</p>
<p>He really needed to get a grip on himself, considering that as he had this thought, his sleeved hand moved to his mouth to cover a sob. Patton was not good with change, nor was he good with people leaving him. The therapists called this “abandonment issues,” but Patton’s negative thoughts just told him he was insufferably clingy. That’s why he had let his and Logan’s texting routine die. He didn’t want to be a bother. Like Patton had thought before the waterworks started, this all could be stopped by sending a simple text. It was currently early morning where Logan was living in his dream college, so it wouldn’t be a problem. Logan was such an early bird, always sending “Good morning, Patton. Was your sleeping satisfactory?” texts at 8:30 a.m. on the dot. The thought of those texts and the conversations sprung from them made a smile come to Patton’s face.</p>
<p>They would talk about how they slept after that: how many hours, if it was deep sleep or not, and if either had any dreams. Logan never had dreams, but he loved to hear about what crazy dreams Patton had during the night. The younger always loved those conversations, mostly because he loved to baffle the older. Patton thrived off of the confusion, having laugh attacks frequently. When he tried, Logan was absolutely hilarious. That wasn’t even mentioning how endearing his fun facts were, nor was that statement saying how adorable Logan got when he was passionate about something. Patton let himself give a bittersweet smile between the heavy breathing that came with crying.</p>
<p>Patton didn’t know why he was reacting in such an extreme way. It wasn’t like he was dead, or like he didn’t have the power to text him at any moment. The problem, though, that was still very present was the fact that it was extremely hard for Patton to reach out first. He felt too clingy when he did that. It was the actual, real problem here. Not Logan, not time and education, not no one being at fault, and not even Patton fully. No, the problem was not talking to Logan anymore, and it was ripping a hole in Patton’s chest. It hurt the younger more than he could imagine because, in the end, he knew Logan would leave eventually along with everyone else. Except Roman, apparently.</p>
<p>An incoming text shook Patton out of his mind spiraling down into the deepest, neediest part of his mind. He blinked a few times, trying to get the remaining tears to get out of his eyes. At the same time, he furiously wiped the tears away with his sleeve. He sniffed, pulling down the notification window on his Android phone. He and Logan always had that in common, while their friends had iPhones.</p>
<p>Prince Roman: Padre? You good? You didn’t respond and I know how you worry</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: I’m diddly darn dandy!!!!!</p>
<p>Prince Roman: You know I know that 5 exclamation points means a cry for help<br/>
What is wrong, mi hermano más cercano?</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Logan and I haven’t talked in a few days</p>
<p>Patton was already feeling a bit lighter, now that he was starting to talk about his issue. Roman knew full well his “abandonment issues” that sprouted from being in the foster system, so he was probably going to pick up on his current conundrum fairly quickly. A small smile presented itself again on Patton’s lips when he did a quick translation of what Roman said in his head. My closest brother. His friend was such a sap, but the younger absolutely loved it.</p>
<p>Prince Roman: Text him!! If you don’t, I’ll give you a reason to text him</p>
<p>At that comment, Patton got very confused very quickly. What was Roman going to do, kick him out of his life? Do something so stupid that even Patton needed help on how to tell him he was wrong? There were so many possibilities and ways that the sentence Roman just sent could go, so Patton decided in about 0.001 seconds that it would be best to ask.</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: What do you mean??</p>
<p>Prince Roman: I’ll write an angsty song and post it<br/>
Without asking the label</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Roman!! That could get you into serious trouble!<br/>
Think about the contract! You already follow it to a T. They are already waiting for a chance to reprimand you so no! Do not!</p>
<p>Prince Roman: I won’t if you talk to Logan</p>
<p>Roman was a dirty, dirty negotiator. He never tried to compromise with people he didn’t know, just for the reason that he didn’t have leverage on them yet. He would find what his friend is most worried for him about, then use it to his advantage to get something he wanted. Luckily, the usually chivalrous boy did not use these powers for evil, but only used them to motivate people into doing something that they should be doing. Most of the time, that is.</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Fiiiiiiiiine<br/>
You are a dirty negotiator</p>
<p>Prince Roman: You know you love me</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Te amo hermano always!</p>
<p>Patton smiled softly to himself, silently hoping that he didn’t mess up the translation of saying ‘i love you, brother.’</p>
<p>Prince Roman: That makes me happy<br/>
Now make me happier by texting your Logan?</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Ok ok I def will!</p>
<p>And then he didn’t. Roman knew for a fact that his friend didn’t talk to Logan after their conversation, because there was a very specific series of events that happened after the two talk. It would start with Patton sending Roman many exclamation marks, then they would turn into an explanation of the punctuation. Usually, it would be something cute that Logan said, but sometimes it would be because Patton said something odd himself. Then the younger would go into the conversation in more detail, highlighting the cutest moments and becoming very flustered when Roman would ask questions about his feelings. It was routine, and Patton was not one to stray from routine since he started talking to Logan.</p>
<p>That was why as the sun started to get low in the sky, Roman got his guitar from its holder and his writing notebook from his desk. He splayed them out on the floor, sat down, thanked whatever was out there that his moms weren’t home, and began to brainstorm for a song. Brainstorm meant a very specific thing for Roman, as he was finding out. He was sitting criss-cross on the floor, his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He would string his hands through his hair, rarely pulling on it when he got upset enough with this odd part of his creative process. He would collect his thoughts, focus on what he was feeling, and then go and do one of two things. The first would be to go through his notebook and see if there were any one-liners or small sections of lyrics that he could expand on. If none of these felt correct to do in the moment, then he would ponder some more and write something completely from scratch. Latter options rarely happened.</p>
<p>Roman was feeling frustrated, to say the least. He wanted to talk to someone about anything, but he knew that Patton was off the grid for the moment. Anytime that boy faced a problem with texting someone, he turned off his phone and hid it under his many pillows. Patton was the sole person that he could talk to about these kinds of emotions anymore, considering that Anxiety had completely shut him out. Anxiety was honestly the main reason for most of these emotions. Roman was sad that he was gone, mad at himself for all that he said to Virgil, and just generally frustrated with the whole situation. It would have been so much easier if he never signed up for the Sarrahs Project, but then he would have missed out on the amazing late-night conversations that he and Anxiety had. Now that those were over, there was an empty spot in his chest that was waiting to be filled by confiding in Anx again.</p>
<p>It wasn’t fair that Roman had been lead astray to ridicule Virgil and make him feel like he had to be someone he wasn’t. Then again, Roman felt that way a lot of the time too. That’s why Anx and Ivity worked so well together, but it’s also why it hurt so much to not have each other around anymore. Roman wished that he could tell Virgil all of this, and just unload all of the truth onto him, but he understood that the other wanted distance. It was hard to put the pride that Roman always wore as Princey aside and let Virgil see that Ivity wasn’t a lie. That none of it ever was any kind of fabrication.</p>
<p>Roman breathed deeply, taking his hands out of his hair and looking down at his notebook. With all his feelings and emotions inside sorted, he could now try and sort through the one-liners he already had written in his book. Rough, calloused fingers reached out for the leather notebook, ready to search to his heart’s content. He unbound the elastic holding the large and old book together, beginning to search through its yellowing pages for the lyric to make the next Princey single. Most of what he passed used too many masculine pronouns, but he passed those for a reason. Some name-dropped Virgil and Anxiety, so those were also a line to stay away from. After pages upon pages of searching, Roman finally came to a halt.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Can you be psychic for me? Please? That would make this easier on both of us.”</em>
</p>
<p>As soon as he saw the lyric, a million different words and emotions flooded through his head. Roman stared at the words for several more seconds, trying to process the sudden influx of ideas. It was rare that he had this many ideas at once, and even rarer so that they were all about mostly the same thing. Roman grabbed a water bottle that was sitting nearby, chugging half of the available liquid before grabbing his pencil. Upon further inspection on the page, there were also a few gems like “If you were in my mind, some scary things you would find (yes that rhymes score)” and “If only 2x or 4x (or something x).”</p>
<p>After Roman got all of the lyrics squared away, he put the book down flat in front of him. It was always easier to start out with lyrics, then add a chord progression, then work out the melody. At least, it was to Roman. Some would disagree, but they weren’t the ones writing songs all by themself getting into the Top 20 Hits. Momentary pettiness aside, Roman now had his ‘67 C-O-Classic Gibson guitar resting on his leg. He took a moment to run his left hand up and down the neck, then his right over the face of the body of the guitar. It was his grandfather’s guitar, the one he learned to play on by the same man before he died. The label tried to get him to play a different guitar, a newer one with “better sound,” but he couldn’t give up the sentimental value of this one. Especially with the emotion-fueled lyrics of this one, Roman needed a guitar that he knew better than the back of his hand. Roman knew and understood this guitar better than he understood himself, and playing it brought emotions he harbored to the surface for him to handle. This guitar had gotten him through a lot, and it would get him through this night as well.</p>
<p>Roman started out with strumming a few simple chords, changing the order of three different ones, adding a fourth, removing two, and just generally playing around with chords until he found a good sound. Eventually, after he started fiddling with a good picking pattern, he narrowed it down to three combinations. While playing the different options, he sang the “If only” bridge that he wrote into the song. He tested the waters with a few different tunes and combinations for a while. Before he could comprehend it, the sun was set and he had a solid picking pattern and chord progression. He could hear his grandfather saying that technically the chords weren’t actually chords because he wasn’t playing all of the strings. A sentimental smile tugged on Roman’s expression of concentration, but he shook it away quickly in favor of attempting to sing over the song.</p>
<p>Surprisingly, Roman was able to get through the song he just wrote with few complications. He stumbled a few times, and stuttered on the lyrics occasionally, but it was overall a good first try. After, he tried again, making the wobbly parts in singing more and more stable. He was proud of himself for that, as sometimes there could be parts where he couldn’t get down until the fifth or sixth try. Luckily for Roman as of right now, the song which he was mentally calling Physic was an easy one to play and sing. Roman never said that the song he would be posting was a difficult one, but then again, he didn’t realize that it would be this emotionally powered.</p>
<p>As Roman placed his guitar steadily on the ground again, he pondered what the lyrics actually meant. While he attempted to balance himself on numb jelly legs, he went line by line and evaluated what he meant by each. It was clear to him as he grabbed his camera equipment that this song was obviously about Virgil. It was so clear that it was painful. There weren’t any cleverly masked words or heavy emotions only hinted at in a word or two. This song was putting himself out in the open, bare and stripped of all the fancy editing that the studio does. This song would be a plea for help, a cry for someone to come and tell him that everything will be alright. It was a question, a desperate ask for Virgil to let him explain. If the dark and lovely one didn’t let him after this, then maybe all that time with Anx actually was a waste. And Roman desperately didn’t want it to be.</p>
<p>The Prince set up the camera and its microphone quickly and experienced, ready to make the worst–or best–decision of his lifetime.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>HI I RECORDED A SONG FOR THIS PART AND I’M SHAKING. Anyways listen to the song "psychic || forgotten original" by the youtube account lavender lungs which is a recording of the song that Princey sings. But with my voice. And yes, I made Roman have the same guitar as I do because I’m emoTIONALLY ATTACHED okay? The video is bad, but just pretty please listen to it and read the chapter or both at once I don’t know. If you know how it sounds it gives the words a bit more meaning than just random poetry. Anyways. This chapter is very emotionally taxing and sad. It made several beta readers cry. Good luck</p>
<p>content warnings: accidental self-isolation, breif mention of migraines, parental abuse, <strong>attempted muder, a knife,</strong> self-blame, self-depreciation, guilt</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today had been a long day, but that wasn’t unusual. Long days were a common thing for Logan since he moved into his college dorm, but that was mostly his fault. Classes hadn’t started yet, for either Logan or his friends going into their junior year, but that didn’t mean that Logan hadn’t started studying yet. The seventeen-almost-eighteen-year-old would spend several hours a day at the library, reading his textbooks and teaching himself the material for the classes to come. He also kept detailed and clean notes, something that made him happy.</p>
<p>His notes served a few purposes for Logan. It was a way to destress, it let out his creativity in a productive way, it helped him remember what he studied, and it provided him something to put on his Tumblr along with his bullet journal. He had what was called a studyblr, and was fairly popular. When he followed Virgil without telling him what his blog was, the younger nearly had a heart attack. </p>
<p>Logan’s pen stopped in the middle of the sentence he was writing. Virgil. He hadn’t talked to the younger in a while, which honestly scared him. The two used to be inseparable, considering that both were on the outskirts of the social game. Logan was always diving into books, and Virgil was always avoiding people at all costs. Now, though, with Logan off at college and burying himself in his books again, the two weren’t talking as much. Come to think of it, he hadn’t talked to Patton in a while. That was an oddity as well, since the excitable man loved talking to him. Logan loved talking to him. The college student felt a dip in his stomach, probably because of guilt. He was so busy studying at the library that he had begun to forget his friends.</p>
<p>A text tone interrupted the classical music streaming through his headphones, making him pause. A light of hope flickered inside his mind, because just maybe, it was one of his friends who decided to break the silence. He didn’t even realize how much he missed them these past few months until now. </p>
<p>Patton Heart &lt;3: Hey Logan! I think you probably should check this out. It’s totally about Virgil, but you know more about the situation than I do.</p>
<p>After the first text, Patton sent with it a link to a video on YouTube. Logan was certainly confused, but once he clicked the link to preview the video, he understood. Roman posted a video, most likely unedited, of a song about Virgil. </p>
<p>Logos Brain: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will alert Virgil.<br/>How have you been, Patton? I apologize for my momentary absence. I have been settling in here and regrettably forgot to talk.</p>
<p>Patton Heart &lt;3: It’s okay!! I’m glad you’re settling in well. Make any friends?</p>
<p>Logos Brain: No one could replace you, Heart</p>
<p>Logan could not see, but Patton was flapping his arms everywhere at that comment. It gave him peace of mind knowing that Logan felt so strongly about him, even though he was known for not having any feelings. It made Patton warm and fuzzy inside, like most things that Logan said. What Logan could see, though, was his own phone pulling up Virgil’s contact and sending him the link to the video.</p>
<p>Pocket Protector: Virgil, Roman wrote a song about you. You may want to check it out.</p>
<p>Honorary Brother: Oh. Okay. Thank you Lo<br/>Sorry we haven't been texting</p>
<p>Pocket Protector: Its my fault. I was neglecting my friends in favor of studying</p>
<p>Honorary Brother: This is why I usually am the buffer. Taking ten minute breaks every half an hour? For your head?</p>
<p>Pocket Protector: Yes, Virgil. I promise.</p>
<p>Virgil was usually the one causing Logan to worry, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t worry about him too. The elder had an skill for getting headaches after reading or concentrating for too long. If he let the headache go without treating it, there was a more than likely chance that he would get a migraine. If it got to that point, little would stop the pain, and the migraine would persist for hours, or even days. That’s why Virgil made Logan have the ten for thirty rule. </p>
<p>Virgil shifted on the couch, trying to get more comfortable as he clicked on the YouTube link. He knew it was Roman, but he didn’t know how he could write a song about him of all people and be able to pass it by the record label. As soon as the video loaded, though, Virgil understood.</p>
<p>The title of the video was ‘Psychic, an Original Song by Roman Prince’ and opened with Roman pulling his arm away from the camera. He was sitting in a mostly dark room, fairy lights behind him, with his guitar resting on his legs. His head was almost out of frame, but the bottom half of his face was visible. Virgil sucked in a breath as Roman started talking on the video.</p>
<p>“I just want to start out with saying that this video is currently in no way related to Vidomen Records or any of it’s associates. I actually just wrote this song like… ten minutes ago, but I just.... I need to get this out. So. This is called Psychic.” Roman’s voice was soft, spoken with care and in his lower register. Virgil suddenly became aware that he did not, in fact, have his headphones in, and was making a loud commotion in the living room by playing the video. </p>
<p><em>Be seen not heard. Or, better yet, don’t be fucking seen either, but don’t leave this house, ya hear?</em> The booming echo of the memory of his father’s voice made a shiver fall down Virgil’s spine. He quickly turned down the volume as low as it could go without being off. He then put the phone up to his ear, closed his eyes, and listened to Roman’s smooth voice begin to sing.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s almost like he can read by thoughts<br/>And I wish you could too<br/>All these emotions and things inside<br/>That I’m trying to get through.</em>
</p>
<p>Virgil’s heart plunged into his gut at the sheer emotion in the words that Roman sang. They were taken straight from Princey’s own heart, which made Virgil understand why he put the disclaimer at the beginning of the video. It was nothing like his usual, peppy, flamboyant songs. This song was pure Roman. Virgil held onto the phone harder as the slower chorus played through the small speakers.</p>
<p>
  <em>If you could be inside my mind<br/>Then I wouldn’t have to try<br/>To put my pride aside<br/>And tell you the truth<br/>But the truth is hard to get out<br/>When it falls on closed ears<br/>So can you be psychic for me?<br/>Can you be psychic for me?</em>
</p>
<p>Roman took another breath to continue singing, but Virgil’s phone was knocked away from him. Fear stabbed him in the heart and gripped his lungs to make it hard to breath. His eyes widened, adrenaline pumping through his veins as his father grabbed his wrist. He was pulled off the couch, tossed down to the floor. </p>
<p>Vaguely, he could hear Roman continue singing with, <em>“I know that you’re terrified.”</em></p>
<p>“What did I tell you about making noise?” Virgil’s father growled as he stepped closer to his son, who was now on the floor.</p>
<p>A little ways away, Roman continued singing with, <em>“Because you’ve been cast aside.”</em></p>
<p>“I-I’m sorry, sir.” Virgil started to stutter but was stopped from further apology by a kick to his side. The fear inside his chest was pushing at his rib cage, almost begging to be released. It was pounding, hard and fast like nothing he had ever felt before. He didn’t understand the difference in this punishment. It had started out just like all the others, so why was his adrenaline at an all time high? Why was he so scared, but not of the man leaning over him?</p>
<p>“Tell me what I told you!” the father figure yelled, his fists clenching as he stepped on Virgil’s wrist.</p>
<p>In the distance, Roman finished the chorus with, <em>“Your feelings were twisted for fun. Words like bullets from my gun.”</em></p>
<p>It was at this moment that Virgil finally came to a screeching halt. Roman’s voice flowed into his ears as he sang the bridge again, somehow becoming louder with every passing second. Everything around him dimmed, the loudness of his father screaming his sentence again diminishing as his ears started ringing. The world was starting to go into some sort of slow motion, allowing Virgil to rethink over the decision that his mind had already made the moment that the phone was slapped out of his hand. Now he realised why this time was different. This time, he had Roman’s voice with him, a voice that he had once hated but learned to love. It was the soft tone that the singer used to comfort the other on those late-night calls, and it was with him in this moment. This time was different because Roman unintentionally just accidentally gave him hope. He didn’t understand why the lying boy would write this song, but it struck a chord inside Virgil. He didn’t register the dryness of his mouth or the pain in his wrist. All Virgil could think about was the word stuck in his throat, leaning off the tip of his tongue. </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“What?” Virgil’s father took a step back in shock. He hadn’t heard that word pass from his son’s lips since before his mother died. “What the fuck did you say?’”</p>
<p>“I said,” Virgil sat up from the floor, his hand finding his phone that was still playing the song and placing it in his back pocket. He was standing now, straightening his back with a slight bit of pain to be taller than his father. He was working on autopilot, the world still fuzzy. “No.”</p>
<p>Thanks to the odd sensation of not actually being in his body that Virgil was experiencing, everything that followed was a blur. There were loud words, dodged punches, and spit flying everywhere. That much was processed in his head. Virgil was vaguely aware that he was also yelling, but what of, he didn’t have a solid grip. The words passing off his tongue felt like he was calling his dad out about being a drunk, and calling him out on how he treated his own son, but he couldn’t be exactly sure. </p>
<p>Before Virgil could acknowledge it, he had screamed his throat raw. His father’s eyes were glaring daggers at him, wide and seething. He could only see red. Virgil, on the other hand, was coming back down to earth, and the hope in his stomach was washing away. Every ounce of confidence that may have been left fully disappeared when his father reached over the kitchen counter. He didn’t realize that they had moved so close to the kitchen in their fighting, and Virgil was going to pay for that.</p>
<p>Mr. Sanders drew his hand back, revealing a long silver kitchen knife. Virgil’s heart rate suddenly skyrocketed, his hands beginning to shake even more than they were. His father took a step closer, which made Virgil take a step back.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean…” His eyes were glued onto the knife. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Sorry won’t fucking cut it,” His father was advancing quicker. He adjusted his grip on the knife. “You need to be taught a lesson.”</p>
<p>Virgil attempted to back away again, but instead fumbled over the couch. His back hit the cushions, but he was immediately attempting to scramble away. His father was still approaching with some sort of sick gleam in his eyes. Was this his plan all along? To get him to fight back, only to stab his chest to hear him scream and see the light leave his eyes? Did he hate him that much, that he’d kill him? Virgil fell off the couch, too caught up in the dark thoughts to notice the end of the sofa. The floor came up too quickly, and suddenly he was eating carpet. He heard his dad snicker behind him, dark and menacing. This was too much, this was too much and Virgil could not take it.</p>
<p>Somehow, he managed to get up off the floor. It was messy and ungraceful, but he grabbed his hoodie laying on the ground while getting up from the floor. With his hoodie in hand, and his phone in his back pocket, now all he had to do was get the fuck out of the apartment. Of course, Mr. Sanders had other plans than to let his son escape that easily. He follows Virgil menacingly, the glint in his eye growing as he started to raise the knife.</p>
<p>“I’ve been too lenient to you. It’s time you get what you deserve.” he said, looking at the knife and looking toward his son. Virgil’s vision swarmed in and out, his breathing all but stopped.</p>
<p>The next few moments would stay in Virgil’s mind the rest of his days. They played out in slow motion, frame by frame, as it happened. </p>
<p>Mr. Sanders lunged quite quickly, but it didn’t feel quick at all. Virgil eyed the knife, sharp and threatening, as it darted toward his chest. Before he could think, Virgil began to turn to the side, his eyes never leaving the intentional divots in the glinting silver. As he was trying to get away from the plunging knife, Virgil put his arms out in front of him. While he turned, his arms did too, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. The knife missed its mark on Virgil’s chest, but it still sliced through his upper arm. A small scream ripped from Virgil’s throat as it did so, but he pressed on. Since his arms were moving forward as he twisted, the knife was pressed deeper into his arm. But after it passed through his flesh, Virgil’s arms connected with his father’s body and pushed away.</p>
<p>Afterward, time sped up. </p>
<p>Virgil was running. His breathing was quick, coming in bigger gasps than before. He fumbled with the door for only a moment before it was open and he was running. He was going down the concrete stairs ten times faster than he usually did, only bent on getting away from the apartment. He needed to get away, even though he knew that he would eventually have to return. But for tonight, he ran like there was no tomorrow.</p>
<p>That was, at least, until his panic-driven state began to wash away. His lungs burned, as did his legs, but at least he was away. Virgil took a second to gauge where he was. Upon looking around, he concluded that he was in Logan’s neighborhood. His legs must have carried him here due to muscle memory. Virgil thought that was okay for the moment until he realized something very important. Logan was not here. Without Logan, Virgil had no one. And, now that the fight or flight response had eased up, he just realized how much pain his arm was in.</p>
<p>So Virgil did the only thing he knew how to do: call Logan. </p>
<p>Once seated semi-comfortably on a bench in the neighborhood park nearby, Virgil attempted to pull his jacket on to attempt to keep the chill of night at bay. He took out his phone and sighed. More cracks had formed when he fell over the couch. </p>
<p>“Please still fucking work.” Virgil pushed the button to unlock his phone and let out a sigh of relief when it still turned on. He went to Logan’s contact number and hit the call button. </p>
<p>Logan picked up after two rings. “Good evening, Virgil.”</p>
<p>“Hey Lo.” </p>
<p>Logan could hear in Virgil’s voice that he was crashing from the adrenaline. “Is everything alright?” </p>
<p>Virgil considered lying for a moment. He knew that Logan could read him like a book, even over the phone, so he decided against it. “No. It’s not. It fucking sucks.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” When he didn’t get an answer, Logan decided to try something different. “Gauge?”</p>
<p>Virgil sighed. He was simultaneously grateful and hateful at just how well his friend knew him. “Eight and a half.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>Virgil took a breath, his grip on his phone tightening. “Knife.”</p>
<p>There was shuffling at the other side of the line. “Vee, you need to get it looked at. It’s not something that I can help you with where I am.”</p>
<p>“I know that, Lo, but you know I can’t go to the hospital.” </p>
<p>“I know. There is someone else you can go to,” There was a pause, then the opening and closing of a door. “Someone who has helped you through a lot.”</p>
<p>“Don’t fucking say it.”</p>
<p>“Virgil.” The tone was testing, but Virgil didn’t care at the moment.</p>
<p>“No, Logan. I can’t.” Virgil shook his head even though he knew Logan couldn’t see. “Not after this long of time. He probably fucking hates me. He’s probably planning how to make next year a living hell.”</p>
<p>“He misses you.”</p>
<p>Three simple words. Something Virgil never thought he’d hear about Roman. Did Patton talk to Logan about it? Is that how Logan knew that Roman missed him? Logan wasn’t one to say or do anything without some facts behind it so it wasn’t a gut feeling.</p>
<p>“You don’t know that, Logan.”</p>
<p>“Yes I do. Patton’s said so. Several times.” At the moment, it sounded as though Logan was walking rather quickly. “Patton even told me that Roman’s tried reaching out to you.”</p>
<p>“Roman hates me. He’s out to make my life a living hell.”</p>
<p>Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, but kept walking. “Do I honestly need to read to you a list of reasons for you to go to him?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have one of those ready, Pocket Protector.” </p>
<p>“Actually, I do. Give me a moment.” </p>
<p>Virgil shouldn’t have been surprised, considering that Logan was crazy over lists and notes. He would comprise one full of pros and cons about Roman. Sighing, Virgil put a little pressure on the cut, hoping to stop a little of the bleeding. There was a sound on the other end of the line of a door opening and closing again. Then came the ruffling of papers.</p>
<p>“Are you ready, Virgil?” Logan asked a few moments later. </p>
<p>“Do I have a choice?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Didn’t think so. List away.”</p>
<p>“I’m ignoring that. Some of the pros of going and talking to Roman include: He knows about your past and would be least likely to completely, um, ‘lose it’ if you showed up bleeding. Roman also has been able to help keep you calm in moments of excessive alarm. Occasionally even more capable at it than I am. You are also very comfortable with him. At least you were before you realized who he was. You trust him to some extent. And I believe that he has no intention of hurting you.”</p>
<p>“Wait. Did you just say ‘I believe’?” Virgil couldn’t help but point that out. </p>
<p>“Based off of evidence I have collected, yes.” </p>
<p>“And what evidence would that be?” As much as he hated to admit it, he was curious about what would cause Logan to say that. </p>
<p>“One example would be that he told Patton that he ‘had ruined everything’ and ‘it was all his fault.’” </p>
<p>Virgil didn’t know how to respond to that. It was the last thing that he expected Roman Prince to say about him. He never thought that Roman would go so far as to blame himself. He thought that Roman would laugh about the experience and use it as more fuel against him. </p>
<p>“Virgil?” Logan’s voice broke Virgil out of his thoughts. </p>
<p>“Sorry, what?”</p>
<p>“I said would you like more evidence?”</p>
<p>“No, thank you. I don’t want want to hear the page and a half of evidence you probably have on that one point.”</p>
<p>“It is a page and a quarter.”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say.” Virgil couldn’t help the slight smile that was on his face. He missed talking with Logan so much. </p>
<p>“Anyway. Roman would also find a way to help you without making you go to the hospital. And just talking to him would be enough to, uh, pay him back.”</p>
<p>“Based off what Patton said I’m guessing?”</p>
<p>“Precisely. Though it is a possible con in he may not want to talk to you. It was a few months ago that Patton told me this.” </p>
<p>“Any other cons?”</p>
<p>Virgil heard the shuffling of pages from the other line again. “He could be upset that you didn’t let him explain himself. He could be upset that you broke off all ties. However, it’s hypothesized that sitting down and talking to him about why will rectify that. Actually almost all of the cons I have written could be corrected by just talking to him.” </p>
<p>“Almost all?” Virgil’s curiosity got the better of him. </p>
<p>“The one outcome that wouldn’t be corrected is if he truly never cared for you, which seems highly illogical. I believe that there is an infinitesimal chance that talking to him will work.”</p>
<p>“Logan. Buddy. That’s not encouraging.”</p>
<p>“Why not? I am simply saying that there is a great chance that if you talk to him things will be alright.”</p>
<p>“Not that ‘infinitesimal’ means Lo.” </p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle when he heard Logan typing away quickly at his computer. He could almost imagine the look of disbelief on the other’s face. The sputtering from the other line proved that Logan was at a loss for words at misusing the term. </p>
<p>“I...deeply apologize for that Virgil.”</p>
<p>“‘S all good. I knew you didn’t mean it.” There was a pause. “So you really believe it’s a good idea to go to Roman?”</p>
<p>“I truly do. While he may be arrogant, I do not believe that he will turn you away. He’s prideful but he still has a heart.”</p>
<p>“Alright. If he does I expect a major apology.” </p>
<p>“I promise.”</p>
<p>Virgil took a deep breath and was about to hit the end call button when something stopped him. It was some emotion he hadn’t felt in a long time. After pondering it for a minute, Virgil realized it was pride. He was proud of what he was going to tell Logan.</p>
<p>“I stood up to him.” Virgil whispered as he got up from the bench. </p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Logan asked, fearing the answer. </p>
<p>“My father. I... I stood up to him”.</p>
<p>“That’s… That’s good, Vee. If you did, I think it’s all the mor--”</p>
<p>“That’s not it, Logan.” Virgil cut off his friend. He was now standing near the bench, not ready to leave the familiar place yet.</p>
<p>“What’s not ‘it?’” Logan sounded worried. There was another shift on the other side of the line, signifying that he put down his papers. </p>
<p>“It all happened so fast, or slow, I don’t know. He may not have but... I turned and the-the-the blade went deep into my arm and…” Virgil took a deep breath to attempt to steady his heavily beating heart. He couldn't get it out. He couldn’t.</p>
<p>“You’re probably bleeding far worse than I anticipated because of, of your bravery,” Logan moved the phone to his other ear. “You did stand up to him, that’s what matters. And I’m.. I’m extremely proud of you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah but now my jacket is going to be soaked in blood.” Virgil joked as he started walking again. He heard a muffled ‘Jesus Christ’ on the other end of the line which made him crack a smile.</p>
<p>“If you do not go to Roman I will fly home and personally drag you kicking and screaming to the hospital and then to his house.” Concern was clear in Logan’s voice.</p>
<p>Virgil knew Logan well enough to know he meant it. “I’m already off the bench and out of the park. You’re just lucky the two of you don’t live that far apart.”</p>
<p>“We what now?”</p>
<p>“I ran into your neighborhood. Muscle memory I guess.” </p>
<p>“I am… sorry that I am not there to help you.” Regret was clear in Logan’s voice. He wished the world that he could be there to help protect his friend. </p>
<p>“It's okay. You’ve got college, and… Like I said, he only lives a few blocks away.” Virgil was lying. He was lying so hard that it hurt. But he had to, because he couldn’t spend his entire life dependant on Logan. He had enough of Virgil’s bullshit and pain. He deserved a normal life full of learning, possibly love, without Virgil weighing him down. That’s all he ever did, really, was weighing him down. If Virgil hadn’t been so stupid as to go to his house all those years ago, hurt and afraid, then Logan’s life could have been free from pain. The most he had to worry about was love and knowledge. But no, Virgil had to ruin all of that.</p>
<p>“Virgil, talk to me.” Logan cut through Virgil’s internal thoughts. He seemed to do that a lot.</p>
<p>“What? Sorry, spaced out.” </p>
<p>“You worry me. I asked if you want me to stay on the phone with you?” Worry was even more evident in Logan’s voice than before. </p>
<p>Virgil pulled his hood up to hopefully block some of the wind as he turned onto the main street. It was late, past midnight at least, so there wasn’t too many cars to disturb the call. “Maybe? I don’t know. It sounded like I took you away from something.” </p>
<p>“That was… nothing really important. A dorm activity.”</p>
<p>“That you liked or not?” <em>You fucking idiot Virgil. He was doing normal college stuff and you couldn’t even let him do that. Stupid.</em></p>
<p>“It was okay. I met this mess of a man, Nate, who scares me with how much he procrastinates.”</p>
<p>“So… ProcrastiNATE.”</p>
<p>“I hate you.” Logan couldn’t help the slightly fond smile despite his annoyance at the pun. </p>
<p>“Come on, you love me.”</p>
<p>“You’re right. I do. A lot, honorary little bro.”</p>
<p>“Did you just call me ‘bro?’ What has college done to you?” Virgil teased his best friend. No, that wasn’t right. Logan was his brother. They were closer than blood could ever make them.</p>
<p>“I tried! But honestly, you’re still Honorary Brother in my contacts.”</p>
<p>Virgil was silent for a few moments before he regained himself. “That means a lot to me, Lo.”</p>
<p>“I know it does, Vee.”</p>
<p>Virgil was still concerned that he messed up an important part of Logan’s experience at college. “Are you sure that I’m not taking you away from anyone right now?” </p>
<p>A knock on a door at Logan’s end of the call gave him his answer. “One moment.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>Logan removed the phone from his ear and covered the speaker to hopefully minimize what Virgil could hear. He sat up from the chair at his desk to approach the door. Upon opening it, the man that he talked about to Virgil was standing there. Logan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before raising one as to ask ‘what are you doing here?’</p>
<p>“Oh, good, this is your dorm. Okay.” Nate pushed up his sunglasses and leaned against the doorframe.</p>
<p>“What do you want? I’m a bit preoccupied.” Logan was annoyed, that much was clear. Virgil was just able to make out his words, which made him feel even more guilty than he already was.</p>
<p>“Dude, you left right in the middle of a conversation. And said something about a hospital. We worried.” the concern in Nate’s voice actually seemed genuine, at least to Logan.</p>
<p>“I’m helping out a friend of mine, its-” Logan was promptly cut off by Virgil on the other end of the line.</p>
<p>“Logan! Go back to the meeting thing!” Virgil half-yelled into the phone, hoping that his friend would hear him. “I’m almost there anyway.” That wasn’t the full truth, but it was close enough to the truth that Logan wouldn’t mind anyway.</p>
<p>Nate looked down at Logan’s phone, then back up to the younger with a smirk. “And the friend agrees with me. Come on, tell ‘em goodbye and come back! Brian’s about to talk school stuff and by the looks of ya, you’d like that.”</p>
<p>“Go, Logan!” Virgil yelled again. Logan brought his phone back up to his ear for the second part of Virgil’s sentence. “Besides, a dude named Brian? That’s gotta be cool. He has your last name as a name.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, well, you’re more important,” Nate gave him a goofy smile, to which Logan responded by tearing the phone away from his face and saying, “Not like that, you, uh, you...”</p>
<p>“Buffoon?” Virgil supplied.</p>
<p>“Buffoon! Wait, Vee, what does that even mean?” Nate watched these two sort of interact with a happy glint in his eye. They were good friends. Even he could tell.</p>
<p>“Dunno. Now go.”</p>
<p>“Fine. Goodbye, Virgil. Please call me if you need more assistance. Text me when you get there.”</p>
<p>“Will do, Lo. Talk to you later.” Virgil’s grip on his phone tightened. They were doing the dance of who will hang up again.</p>
<p>“Good luck.” Neither wanted to do it. Logan wanted to provide support, while Virgil didn’t want to let go of familiarity and the comfort of Logan’s voice. But he had to.</p>
<p>“You too.” Virgil said with finality before removing the phone from his face and pressing the end call button. Just like that, his fate was sealed. </p>
<p>Not only that, but Virgil knew that his phone was dying. He didn’t have time to grab anything other than his sweatshirt. No charger, no change of clothes, no wallet, no earbuds, no nothing. Virgil took a look at the time, and his battery, before placing it in his back pocket again. No earbuds meant no music, and no music meant that his mind was free to wander.</p>
<p>This was not a good thing, despite what some people might think. Virgil’s mind wandering was never good. Now he had the chance to think over all the reasons why Roman hated him, and why he would definitely turn him away. Virgil walked on like this, pain in his upper arm and worrying thoughts in his mind. It took everything in his being not to think himself creepy for knowing the way. The boy had given the younger his address willingly at some point after their split. Virgil saved it, most likely because of the lingering hope in his heart. Soon enough, he would reach the one place he never thought he’d actually go: Roman Prince’s house.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. fifteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warning: <strong>Blood, knife wound,</strong> mentions of self stitching, mentions of scars, mentions of manipulation, mentions of hate, mentions of death, swearing, heavy emotionally taxing conversation</p>
<p>Virgil and Roman are in the same scene together. There are actual words spoken between Roman and Virgil. This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill!!!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Virgil hated that Logan was gone. He wanted nothing more than to know that he had someone to run to that would know what to say or not to say to help him. Logan always knew how to help him. He was glad that Logan got into the college of his dreams, but in this moment he hated it was so far away. The alternative to Logan made his anxiety go through the roof, but he didn’t have any other choice. </p>
<p>After going through the exchange in his mind several times trying to figure out the worst possible outcome of anything he said or did, he finally walked up to Roman’s house. He gave a tentative knock on the door, debating if he should run before the door opened. But just as he was about to turn away, Virgil saw the door begin to open. He peeked up from under his bangs and saw Roman standing in the doorway. </p>
<p>With a shaky breath, Virgil managed to get his voice to work after several seconds. “So. How’ve you been?”</p>
<p>During this time Roman’s shock was pretty clear on his face. It only escalated when he noticed the blood running down the little bit of Virgil’s wrist and hand that he could see. This was more than one would get from a papercut or a scrape. “You’re covered in blood, Virgil.”</p>
<p>“It’s not <em>my</em> blood.” <em>Why did I say that?</em> Virgil’s inner monologue rattled off. <em>That was really stupid. He’s probably going to think you’re some serial killer now.</em></p>
<p>“How is that better!?” Roman practically screeched at him, knuckles becoming white because of his hard grip on the door. Whether that was from anger or not he wasn’t entirely sure. </p>
<p>“It’s not,” <em>Yup. He definitely thinks you’re insane.</em> “And it’s not actually someone else’s.” He paused for a moment. “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”</p>
<p>“You haven’t talked to me in months.” Virgil noticed that Roman sounded slightly upset as he spoke, but honestly, he can’t blame him. </p>
<p>“I know.” Virgil’s leg began to move on its own accord. This was the point in the conversation that Roman would surely chew him up in his mouth and spit him out. Here was the point where everything went to shit. Luckily, after years of practice, Virgil’s voice doesn’t show any of the emotion he was feeling.</p>
<p>“And you show up on my doorstep, bleeding, after I post a..song.” Roman’s grip on the door loosened slightly, but Virgil didn’t catch it. He was too busy staring at the ground and letting his mind swirl down the darkest paths to realize that Roman was stating facts at this point.</p>
<p>“That’s what happened.” Virgil fiddled with the ever trusty loose string in his jacket pocket.</p>
<p>“And now, after all that,” An exasperated smile began to grow on Roman’s face. “Now you’re trying to ‘lighten the mood???’”</p>
<p>“I never knew how to socialize, Princey.” Virgil looked up at Roman, seeing the smile. That let him relax slightly, but didn’t change most of his thought process. <em>How can you screw this up even <strong>more?</strong> You’re done for. Even the trash cans aren’t going to want you near them. You should give up now.</em> “And now it’s even worse.”</p>
<p>“How is this worse??” It’s extremely clear now to Virgil that Roman was upset and offended, despite the smile that was on his face. </p>
<p><em>I knew that smile was too good to be true.</em> “I’m covered in blood.”</p>
<p>Roman sputtered a moment. “Did you just‒did you just use my own words against me?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I did actually.” Despite everything, there was a small part of Virgil that smiled at the fact he got the most popular person to be at a loss for words. He lowered his head once again in case that smile was showing. </p>
<p>After a long moment of silence, Roman broke it by saying, “Okay. I’m going to clean you up now.” The determination in his voice was clear. </p>
<p>“Okay?” He looked up, slightly surprised. After offending Roman, that was not the answer Virgil suspected he’d get. </p>
<p>“Then you’re going to talk to me.” Roman shifted his weight, almost as if he were nervous at this statement. Virgil didn’t know why he would be. Roman didn’t have anything to be worried about.</p>
<p>“Okay.” Virgil put his hand that was previously playing with the string in his pocket up on his arm. He hoped it would help stop the blood from flowing down onto the floor of the clearly expensive home.</p>
<p>“Good.” Roman held the door open and motioned for Virgil to come inside. He lead him through the large front room to the dining room table before pointing at a chair in a gesture for Virgil to sit down. Once he did, Roman mimicked the movement. “Alright. Now. Where’s the bleeding coming from?”</p>
<p>Virgil carefully removed his hoodie, unable to stop a wince from escaping. He proceeded to lift his shirt up and off his left arm so that his head and right arm were still in the shirt.  A gash that was on the back of his arm close to the shoulder was now fully exposed. Thankfully he noticed that it wasn’t jagged like some of the ones he’d gotten when his father used a broken bottle. Logan was good about working around many obstacles such as the jaggedness of those particular cuts. Then again he also had some practice dealing with cuts that large. Roman probably hadn’t stitched anything in his life, so a clean, straight cut was best. </p>
<p>Despite it being a straight cut it was still pretty long and would take a little while to properly stitch-up. Thankfully, in a stroke of pure luck, nothing major was cut. It was, however, bleeding worse now because of the movement needed to expose it, as well as the material rubbing against it. </p>
<p>Roman paled visibly at the sight. “Yikes okay. I’m absolutely NOT qualified for this.”</p>
<p>“Do you really think I am? I have no money for a trip to the ER. Besides, this isn’t the worst one I’ve gotten so get me a needle and thread and we’ll add another scar to the shitshow of my body.” Even though he basically just told Roman that he’s covered in various scars, he’s glad that the wound is in a place that allows him to keep his shirt covering most of them. </p>
<p>“Yikes.” There’s an almost protective look in Roman’s eyes but, he’s not looking at Virgil so he doesn’t notice it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yikes is right.”</p>
<p>After a few moments of more silence, Roman stood to presumably find the sewing kit. While he was gone, Virgil started to think about the reasons why Roman was helping him. On one hand, it could be that he honestly cared and wanted to help someone who had meant so much to him and helped him through a lot. On the other hand, it could be for a mean joke. Maybe when they returned to school, Roman would tell everyone how Virgil was an ugly human being that was covered in scars and injuries that he couldn’t take care of properly. He would talk about how Virgil was so poor he had to go to Roman’s house just to get a needle and thread in a feeble attempt to patch himself up.</p>
<p>Unknowingly, Roman returned and interrupted Virgil’s downward spiral. In his arms he was carrying some paper towels and a first aid kit, “I figured we should probably clean it with more than just a little bit of water.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, probably,” He watched as Roman very gently used a few of the towels to clean up the blood dripping down his arm. If Virgil wasn’t so observant he wouldn’t have noticed that his hands were shaking. Is he scared to hurt me? The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. “You know that’s not the injured part right? You don’t have to be that gentle.”</p>
<p>“Huh?” He looked down and saw where he was cleaning. “Right. Sorry.” He finished cleaning up as much of the dripping blood as he could before getting a wet towel to carefully wipe away some of the blood from the actual wound. </p>
<p>“This next bit is going to sting.” Roman fished out the antiseptic spray and sprayed a good amount on Virgil’s arm. The hiss of pain that escaped Virgil’s mouth was not something he could control. However, he could control how the following moments played out.</p>
<p>“Can you thread a needle?” Virgil asked before Roman could start worrying. </p>
<p>With an indigent look on his face and an offended huff, Roman moved Virgil’s hand to press a clean wet towel to the wound. He continued to clean off the wound, going a little overboard now, but gestures to the table. There wasn’t a sewing kit in sight.</p>
<p>“Where’s the kit, Prince?” Virgil said immediately after he pointed, shifting in his seat.</p>
<p>“I’m not going to sew you, Virgil. You aren’t fabric, and I don’t think it would be very sanitary.” Roman half-whispered as he gathered the paper towels he used.</p>
<p>“What else are you going to do? I can’t… I can’t go to the hospital. I can’t. But this,” Virgil desperately gestured to his arm. “This isn’t something I can fix alone.”</p>
<p>Roman sighed. “I’ll help patch you up Virgil, but I’m not going to treat you like some pair of-of ripped pants. I’m not going to drag you to the hospital right this minute, but you will have to go to a doctor of this doesn’t work. If you bleed through what I’m going to do, it’s beyond what I can help you with.” </p>
<p>“We can just… re-patch me if it bleeds through. I’ve done it before. I am not going to the hospital, Princey.” Virgil bit back, crossing his arms the best he could without moving his left one.</p>
<p>“You know I could pick you up and make you go right?”</p>
<p>“You can try that. But you wouldn’t be able to. I’d be long gone before you could catch me.” Virgil shook his head then looked at Roman, determination clear in his eye. </p>
<p>“Virgil-”</p>
<p>“No. Nothing you can say is going to change my mind. I can’t go to the hospital.” He shook his head again, his expression getting more desperate before he all but spit another, “I can’t.”</p>
<p>The two stayed quiet for a moment before Roman broke it. “Virgil, if you don’t take care of yourself correctly, then you can’t expect me to. If you don’t get your injury taken care of properly, if what I do doesn’t help, then… I don’t have to eat.” Deep down he hated that he was using the one thing Virgil couldn’t let him do and live with himself against him, but he was scared and knew it was the only way.</p>
<p>“Did you- Did you just try to coerce me?” The look of shock was clear on Virgil’s face, but deep down he’s impressed. He didn’t think Roman would stoop to his level. </p>
<p>“If that’s what it takes.”</p>
<p>Virgil looked at him for a moment, pursing his lips and nodding. Roman stood up abruptly, deciding that washing his hands thoroughly before putting them anywhere close to a wound was the best idea. He returned to his seat shortly, sitting down and picking up the items again. Virgil couldn’t hide the shock at how knowledgeable Roman looked right after he sat down and grabbed the first aid kit. Why are you surprised though? Virgil thought again. He’s perfect at everything he does. Why wouldn’t he be perfect at sealing up a cut? He probably would be perfect at doing the stitching too if he tried it.</p>
<p>When Roman noticed Virgil’s disbelieving look, he couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, which broke through Virgil’s inner monologue. “I took a first aid class with Patton as moral support for him.”</p>
<p>Virgil nodded at that, giving Roman the go-ahead to begin to patch up the cut. Despite the clear terror in Roman’s eyes, his hands were surprisingly steady as he started in the middle of the wound and worked his way out. It’s slower than Virgil would’ve liked, but Roman got the first half done. After drying his hands, Roman got back to work finishing up putting butterfly bandaids on Virgil to get the wound closed. </p>
<p>The bite of pain every time Roman needed to pinch his skin helped Virgil keep the darker thoughts at bay, in a weird, unhealthy way. He wished for Logan’s speed that had come with practice, but still was extremely glad that Roman was making sure to do it right. If it were rushed or poorly done, it could do more harm than good. Before he knew it, there was a sharper pain than the bandaid process from Roman putting a layer of Neosporin over the now-closed wound. Roman then used some gauze to cover it, taping that into place. </p>
<p>Without saying a word, Roman got up and went to the sink to wash the blood off his hands, collecting his thoughts as he did so. He wanted to yell and scream in frustration at Virgil for not letting him explain what happened, but the younger had just shown up at his doorstep and asked him to stitch a very large, definitely not self-inflicted gash. After taking a deep breath, Roman walked into his bedroom and picked up a clean pair of grey sweatpants and a royal blue t-shirt. With one quick stop into the bathroom for some pain medication, Roman returned to the dining room. </p>
<p>“I figured you don’t want to put your bloody clothes back on.” He said as he offered the clothes. </p>
<p>Virgil looked at them for a minute before accepting them and finding the bathroom to change. When he returned to Roman, he gave him two pain pills and a glass of water to take them with while he put the dirty clothes into the washing machine. Once that was taken care of, Roman returned to his seat across from Virgil and looked at him. </p>
<p>“Okay. Lets talk.”</p>
<p>Even though he knew that he had promised Roman he would talk after being taken care of, Virgil felt like he’d been put through the wash cycle several times. He was extremely tired and could barely keep himself from yawning. “Listen, Princey, I promised I would talk to you and I will. But can we postpone it long enough for me to get some sleep? You know I don’t get a lot of it anyway and getting patched up takes a lot of my energy.”</p>
<p>With a sigh, Roman agreed. Despite his desperate want to talk and find out why Virgil completely ignored him, he’s not heartless. Anyone could see how tired the younger boy was. He lead Virgil into one of the spare bedrooms and helped him get comfortable. Without really knowing why, he sat on the bed next to Virgil. Virgil believed it was because Roman was worried that if he wasn’t watched, he’d run before the two could talk. </p>
<p>Normally it took Virgil a long time to fall asleep, if he ever managed to. This time was different, for some reason. Within minutes of getting comfortable in the spare bed, surrounded by the smell of Roman, he was sound asleep. Roman looked down at the person who had helped him through so much, and who also had hurt him. Despite himself, Roman noticed that Virgil’s features softened out when he slept. The worry lines that were always present on the anxious one’s face had disappeared. It was the most peaceful Virgil ever looked. </p>
<p>For several moments Roman just watched Virgil sleep. He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest. Suddenly Roman felt wetness run down his cheek. The dam that was holding back the different emotions suddenly burst open and he started to cry harder than before. The worry about how many times Virgil got hurt and the worry that this injury may be worse or that he messed up by not making Virgil go to the hospital and It’ll cause a more serious problem bubbled to the surface. </p>
<p>Under all that worry was gratitude. Roman was so grateful that Virgil trusted him enough to come seek out his help. He was so grateful that Virgil was willing to talk to him. Virgil being here and him being safe and more okay than he was forty-five minutes ago was more than Roman could take. He didn’t want to wake the peacefully sleeping boy so he quietly got up off the bed and walked to his room in need of an outlet of all the emotions.</p>
<p>Roman grabbed his acoustic guitar and sat on the floor cross-legged, tuning it before gently strumming a few warm-up cords. Slowly a melody formed, one full of sadness. After a few minutes, Roman added words to the melody, pouring his heart and soul into the music. He didn’t realize that the volume of his playing and singing had increased with the fierceness of the emotions, but that didn’t matter. In his emotion-filled mind, he was alone, considering his moms were currently gone.</p>
<p>The song found its way into Virgil’s head before he woke up. Once he realized it wasn’t just in his dream, Virgil sat up straight in bed. He listened for several more seconds before deciding the investigate. Quietly he padded out into the hallway to follow the heart-wrenching sound. He saw Roman sitting on the floor in his room through the open door, and decided to lean against the doorframe with his good arm. Roman’s eyes were closed, but Virgil could tell the song was about their story. Even the densest person on the planet could tell that much. </p>
<p>After several moments, Virgil quietly walked until he was standing next to Roman before sitting down. Roman, despite being engrossed in his song, felt the floor shift with the new weight. He opened his eyes slightly and saw Virgil sitting next to him. With a final cord, Roman stopped playing and gently placed the guitar down on his other side and waited. It felt like hours passed through the two of them, but Roman knew it had only been a couple of minutes at most before the other person spoke. </p>
<p>“Princey?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Roman looked up at Virgil, finally tearing his eyes away from the guitar.</p>
<p>“I’m,” Virgil swallows. Roman can tell that he’s struggling with the words that are caught in his throat. He was starting to curl in on himself. “I’m sorry. I never should have shut you out like I did. I didn’t know what else to do. All my life it’s always been so much easier--safer--to shut people out.”</p>
<p>Roman gently scooted closer to Virgil so that their knees were touching. He could sense a monologue coming about Virgil’s part of their story.</p>
<p>“I’ve just had so… so much trouble with people abusing my trust. With words or otherwise. I was so fucking scared because… I thought that all you wanted to do was hurt me. Why wouldn’t you? You’re a Prince. You hate me; you’ve always hated me. Then you go and do shit like this,” he gestures wildly to his injured arm, “And I get so fucking confused. I don’t know how to think or act around you anymore, Ro. I don’t know who you want me to be. I don’t know who you are,” Virgil’s head is in his hands at this point. “I’m so fucking confused and lost and I don't know how to think anymore. I already said that. I don’t know. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Virgil-”</p>
<p>“No, let me finish. Ever since I cut you in line in kindergarten for the slide you’ve had this fucking grudge against me. Yeah. Do you remember that? The whole reason why you hate me? I only did it once but then… then you told everyone that I was a cutter,” he scoffs for a moment at the double meaning. “So I cut, and I cut. I wedged my way into line because that’s what you were telling me I was supposed to do. I was fragile. I was so fucking fragile and instead of having anyone to help me get stronger, I was falling apart instead. My mom was dying. Did you know that?,” At this point, Virgil is fuming. “She was diagnosed with cancer the day of the cutting incident. She didn’t live to see my fifth-grade graduation, when I met Logan. And who did I have to help me through that? No one. No, wait, I had you. You, you were the thing shaping me. I put all my trust into what you thought of me because I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how to grow by myself because I didn’t have anyone teaching me how. So I became the image that you created of me. And fuck, did that fuck up my mental health.”</p>
<p>Virgil took a much-needed deep, shaky breath. Roman opened his mouth to talk, but Virgil shook his head again.</p>
<p>“Shut your mouth; I’m not done yet. You are not good for me. You made me hide and fear the world even more than I already did,” Virgil sounded at the point of tears. “You made me become this villain in the story of you, the Prince. And I should hate you. I should hate you just as much as you hate me, but how the fuck can I? How can I when you were just a kid too, and you didn’t know any better either? How can I when I became the person you thought I was, and you never knew what you did to me? How can I if… if what you said as Ivity was true?” there was a  semi-long pause, but Roman could tell Virgil wasn’t done.</p>
<p>“You’ve been going through your own shit in life. I can’t hate you, Ivity. I want to hate you. I want to hate you so much, but… I can’t. I’ve tried so hard to hate you. I’ve tried so fucking hard to justify shutting you out with what you’ve done, but I can’t hate you. I’m so fucking pathetic that I can’t even hate the people I’m supposed to hate. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate Marxious. I don’t hate my dad. I should hate you. I should hate you…”</p>
<p>Roman looked at Virgil for a long time, letting everything he said sink in. The confusion he felt over what was said was hard for him to grasp but it had to be nothing compared to what Virgil was feeling. This was something Virgil had dealt with his whole life. Roman only got a small fraction of that feeling. </p>
<p>“Virgil. I-I am so sorry. I honestly can’t blame you if you hate me. After what I did to you, you should hate me. I hate me. What I did to you is inexcusable, knowing what I know now. I’m the biggest jerk in the world. I understand why you didn’t want to talk to me after you found out I was Ivity.” He takes a breath to stop himself from spiraling down further. “I tried to contact you after I worked through my own emotions from finding out you were Anx. I wanted to explain how I didn’t know that it was you. That it wasn’t some big plan to finally run you into the ground.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He runs his hands through his hair, trying to think of how to continue. “Everything I told you as Creativity was true. None of that was a lie. None of it was a way to get you to trust me so I could throw it back into your face later. I never told anyone anything you said. The only time was when Patton read over my shoulder. That’s when you met Morality. I asked him to not use his real name or mine because I didn’t want you to pity me or swear something you couldn’t keep because of who I was. I liked not having the fame behind something. I liked that I could tell someone some of my darker issues and not have it plastered on every tabloid and TV station around town.</p>
<p>“Honestly Virgil? Talking to Anxiety is—was—some of the best moments of my day. And now knowing that a lot of your issues stem from what I did to you, how I saw you and made you out to be to everyone, is the worst feeling I can think of. If I wasn’t such a jerk as a kid you might have turned out completely different. You might not have such bad anxiety. You might have never needed to be a part of the Sarras Project in the first place. We might have actually become friends if I wasn’t such a horrible person.” Roman looked at anything besides Virgil. “But… I was glad that I could talk to someone who wanted to help me through my issues. And I’m so sorry I ruined that for us both.”</p>
<p>Roman held his hand up to stop Virgil from responding as he gathered his thoughts again. “I’m glad that despite everything I did, every single thing that got fucked up because of me, you were willing to come here and ask for help. That you trusted me enough to ask me for help. I know that it is nowhere near enough to fix everything that I ruined but it honestly means a lot. I’m here for you. I always will be. Even if you never want to talk to me again I just want you to know that.” </p>
<p>“Creativity,” Virgil sniffed. At some point, he started crying. “Did you not hear a word I just said?”</p>
<p>Roman looked at Virgil when he heard him sniff, “You said you didn’t hate me. You said that you couldn’t hate me. But just because I’ve been going through my own shit doesn’t mean what I did to you is excusable. I know what you said Virgil, but honestly, I don’t know if I can forgive myself as easily as you forgave me,” There was a part of Roman that thought maybe all of this was caused by the pain meds, and that when they wore off Virgil would realize that he did hate Roman and run, shoving him away forever. “I don’t know if I could live with myself if you changed your mind.” He said it more to himself, not completely aware that he said it out loud.</p>
<p>“You may have royally fucked me up, pun intended, but who the hell hasn’t? Everyone in my life has done something to contribute to the fucked up person I am today. My mom died and left me with a father who.. Well. Didn’t raise me. Logan gave me dependency issues. Deceit gave me trust issues. And… you… what kid-you did isn’t okay. It will never be okay, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t give now-you a second chance. The shit you’re saying now is reason enough to give you that chance,” Virgil wiped his nose with the back of his hand, shrugging. “If you think about it, I never had to listen to you. I never had to listen to anybody or take any of the beatings. But I did. And that’s fault on me too. You’re not the only one at fault, Ro.”</p>
<p>Roman scoffed. “Leave it to you to make a pun in this heartfelt moment. Have you no tact?” He gave Virgil a sly little smile, letting him now he’s messing with him. “If I have to be completely honest I’d rather have you to be there fucked up with me than for us to be fucked up alone. The last few months have absolutely sucked without my Emo-Nightmare to talk to. Patton’s helped as much as he can but it’s not the same. And Virge? Thank you. Thank you for giving me a second chance.”</p>
<p>Virgil was still hunched in on himself, but he took a moment to examine the situation before him. His worst bully and tormenter in life was sitting next to him, their knees touching. Not only was this person the same person that made him have several panic attacks, but he also was the person that helped him through several others. This didn’t make sense. Nothing about this made any sort of logical sense, and Virgil had no clue what to do with that. He was basically raised by his best friend, and Logan was the most logical thinker anyone could come across. Logically, he should hate Roman for what he did to Virgil. He should forgive him to be the better person, then cut him out of his life again. </p>
<p>But here Virgil was, on the floor with tear tracks on his face and a homemade patch-up job on his arm, wanting to embrace Roman and never let go. That wasn’t logical, but Virgil moved so that his head was laying on the older’s shoulder. It was awkward and uncomfortable for a few moments before Roman moved to accommodate him. </p>
<p>Virgil took a moment to ground himself in the moment by looking around Roman’s room. His room is smaller than Virgil would have imagined it, but still a decently large size. There was a large queen size bed in the corner, just barely underneath the window that spanned across one of the walls. It had a white metal frame that must have been very old, as it was rusting in some places. The comforter wasn’t red and gold as Virgil would have imagined, but it was actually a soft sage with yellow-green vines bordering the edges. It reminded him of Roman’s blog theme. The curtains were a thin mesh fabric of the same yellow-green color, carrying this color scheme off the bed. After his eyes left the curtains, they found the matching white desk to the bed against the wall of the other side of the room. On the floor on one end of the desk was a stand for the guitar currently laying on the ground beside Roman. On the other end was an old, broken guitar that had been repurposed as a planter box. The strings were removed, but the vines that crawled up the neck of it took their place. They balanced each other out nicely. </p>
<p>Right before Virgil was about to open his mouth, his eye caught on the wall just beside the desk. There were several bands and musical posters, including Queen, Heathers, One Direction, Nirvana, Hamilton, and a signed poster of Justin Bieber with a long personalized message. Virgil filed those away mentally for later before his eyes drifted onto the door. It was hard to make out exactly in this light, but there seemed to be a small mural of a forest painted over it. It was complete with a blue sky and a little “P” signature in the bottom right-hand corner. Virgil smiled internally as he looked it over. While he did so, he played with the fibers of the rug beneath him. He didn’t get a good look at it yet, but once he did, he realized that it was round and the same shade of sage as the comforter.</p>
<p>“You’re a paradox, Ivity.” Virgil settled on after the several moments of silence of him gazing around the room. Roman cocked his head, looking down at the one on his shoulder, letting Virgil continue. “You make me feel so many different emotions. I… I don’t think I could have survived for much longer without you, as cheesy as that sounds. But Logan gave me a pep talk, and now? Now we are here. And I’m sorry, and you’re sorry--there is a lot of things to be sorry about--and we’re sitting on your bedroom floor. Which, by the way, is a lot less... How should I put this… royal and flamboyant than I pictured it.”</p>
<p>Roman chuckled at how Virgil described his room. “Well even someone as regal as myself has to have a space to make his own. Somewhere he doesn’t have to have his walls up.” He made a grand sweeping gesture with his free arm. “This is mine. No show. Just me deep down. And hang on a second. Did Logan give you a pep talk? Honestly, I thought he’d be more prone to giving you a 20-page stack of the pros and cons about talking to me.”</p>
<p>“He saw how much I was hurting without you. But there was a 20-minute conversation of pros and cons that ended in him yelling in my ear to go to you because of my arm.”</p>
<p>“As any true fan of Shakespeare would.” Roman joked before looking at Virgil. “I’ll have to remember to thank Logan for having that conversation with you. And then maybe smack him for making you bleed for 20 minutes longer than you should have because he had to list off pros and cons,” he paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “This isn’t exactly how I expected the first time we talked after you found out I was Creativity. I never thought it would be held on my bedroom floor after crying like a baby and being asked to medically sew you up.”</p>
<p>“Wait,” Virgil moved so that he could be face to face with Roman. “Crying like a baby? What?” </p>
<p>Roman nodded. “At the end of my recording. I cut out before it got too bad.” He kept his eyes locked with Virgil’s. “I honestly don’t know how I kept it together through all of it.”</p>
<p>After Roman stopped speaking, Virgil turned his body back to the position he was in earlier. He didn’t do eye contact, because whenever he held it for too long, he’d be questioned and yelled at. He made himself comfortable again against Roman’s side. It was a very nice place to be, and was one of the better places he’d ever been. He would say that Roman’s bedroom in his very large house was the best place he’d ever been to if it weren’t for Logan’s house. And, believe it or not, Logan was a very comfortable cuddler and very clingy in his sleep. Virgil shook his head for a moment, thoughts going off-track.</p>
<p>“I didn’t make it through the end so… My dad stopped me in the middle of the second verse.” Virgil confessed and began to pay more attention to his hand that was playing with the sage color rug.</p>
<p>Roman looked at Virgil, not saying anything. The protectiveness he felt for those he cared about was flaring up in his chest. How could anyone hurt another human the way Virgil’s father hurt him? Based on the minimal things Roman knew however, if he confronted his father it would not end well. He couldn’t put the smaller boy into any more danger. Two ideas popped into his head but he tabled one for later. “Would you like to finish listening to it?”</p>
<p>Carefully and slowly, Virgil moved his right arm so that it was behind Roman’s back. This allowed him to get closer to the older and soak up all his body heat. He shook his head after doing so, his hair rubbing against Roman’s chin. His head was almost in the crook of his neck, and the nod could have been a nuzzle if Roman hadn’t asked the question. </p>
<p>Softly Roman can’t help but chuckle at him. He was really happy that Virgil felt comfortable curling up against him. Roman refused to move until he noticed Virgil’s breathing even out. Once he’s completely sure that the younger one was sleeping, he gently picked him up, making sure not to wake him. He quietly carried him to the bed and laid him down. Then Roman changed into his PJs and curled up next to him, falling asleep shortly after.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: Blood, surgical stitching, subtext abuse, past death mentions (mother and aunt), swearing, needles/fear of needles</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Warmth. That was the first thing that Virgil recognized when he slowly started to wake. It was all around him, more so than usual. It was comfort that had the smell of safe, and of pine. The second thing that registered in Virgil’s head was pain. Pain, and a lot of it. His eyes broke open wide, panic ebbing into him for a moment as he forgot where he was. When he saw the guitar on the floor, the same place as last night, everything came rushing back.</p>
<p>The pain was still annoyingly present. Virgil shifted, but wasn’t able to get far. Roman was curled up next to him, their legs intertwined and his arm thrown over his torso. He always slept better in Logan’s bed, so his brain probably assumed that he was cuddling with Logan. But his unconscious mind was incorrect, and now Virgil was mortified.</p>
<p>Virgil tried to shift again to relieve some of the pain of his arm, but Roman shifted as well. He pulled Virgil tighter to him, which made the younger blush more. He was lucky that Roman was there, though, because he was the only thing preventing him from rolling onto his left side, where he usually slept. Virgil bit his lip to keep from wincing as the sleeping boy accidentally bumped where the large cut was. He needed to be quiet and still so that he didn’t wake Roman.</p>
<p>Roman felt the body he was curled up against shift and slowly started to wake up. He was not fully awake yet when he mumbled a soft, “Morning Pat.” Once he opened his eyes a couple moments later, and saw the blood-stained gauze, he remembered the events of the previous night. Roman jerked himself into an upright position faster than Virgil thought was possible. “Fuck, Virge. You’re still bleeding,” he went to touch the bloody bandage, only for Virgil to wince away. “Okay, yeah, you need to go to the hospital.”</p>
<p>He quickly pushed himself from the bed, pulling Virgil up with him. Completely ignoring the fact that both of them are in their PJs, Roman dragged Virgil with him to the front door to pull on their shoes. All Roman could think of is that Virgil was lucky he hadn’t bled out yet, and that he needed to be taken to the hospital to be properly patched up before he did. Roman mentally kicked himself for not throwing the boy over his shoulder last night and making him go then and there. <em>I’m such a fool.</em> Roman thought as he pulled on his Adidas. <em>I should’ve known better than to think something that deep could be held together with some bandaids. Patton and Logan would’ve known better. Stupid. That was absolutely stupid.</em></p>
<p>“Before you say anything, you can kick my ass after you get better. I will throw you over my shoulder and <em>carry you</em> to the hospital. I am not kidding right now. This is really serious, Virgil. You need to be patched up better than I ever could do.” Roman said more down to the ground than to Virgil, considering that he was sitting and still tying his shoes.</p>
<p>“I’m…” Virgil started before trailing off, sitting down next to Roman. “I’m okay. I’ll just have to stitch it myself. I’m okay.” He wrapped his arms around himself, using that position to hold onto the wound. He looked almost afraid, highly sheepish, and so very uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Why do you keep insisting to <em>not</em> go to the hospital? You clearly need to, Virgil James Sanders!” Roman used Virgil’s full name, trying to get some sense into the younger. He only knew that his middle name was James because he told him as Anxiety.</p>
<p>Virgil froze more than he already was. Roman had used his full name. Which meant that Roman was getting really upset at him because he wasn’t being cooperative. It’s not like Virgil wanted to start a fight, but the memories and fears haunted him. The few times Virgil ever went to a hospital were not pleasant.</p>
<p>Roman felt bad for the way the younger boy tensed up, but he didn’t want to let him win. This was not something that Roman could just ignore. “It’s important that you get this looked at. You could die from this! Do you not understand that?”</p>
<p>“I-I understand that.” Virgil managed to stutter out as he began to shake slightly, clearly on the verge of a panic attack.</p>
<p>Despite his own panic, Roman felt something twist in his stomach. “Hey. Talk to me.”</p>
<p>Virgil shook his head in a refusal to say anything more, not wanting to make Roman angrier than he already was. He knew that if he opened his mouth he’d start panicking, and that was not something he could do on top of everything else right now. He had to focus on his breathing and keeping quiet so he didn’t upset Roman further.</p>
<p>“Virgil, please?” When he still didn’t get an answer from Virgil, he tried a different tactic. “Anxiety,” He said, his voice softer than it had been before. “Look at me a minute,” Once Virgil looked at him, fear very clear in his eyes, Roman continued. “I’m sorry that my worrying is pushing you to panic. That was never, <em>never</em>, my intention. Why don’t we focus our breathing for right now and after we both calm down we can talk about why you’re so scared. Okay?”</p>
<p>Shakingly Virgil nodded. “Oh-Okay.”</p>
<p>“Good. So together. In for four.”</p>
<p>The two fell into the well-known rhythm easily. Roman kept counting and doing the breathing while Virgil matched his breaths to Roman’s. After several minutes, Virgil looked less like a terrified kitten. He was still on edge, ready to bolt, but didn’t look like he’d break down anymore.</p>
<p>“Better?” Roman asked, offering a hand out for Virgil to take if he needed it.</p>
<p>Virgil nodded. “Yeah.” He didn’t take Roman’s hand, but he did scoot a little closer to him on the bench.</p>
<p>“That’s, that’s good. Now, something about hospitals scares you, really scares you. Would you tell me why? I just want to understand and help you. If it’s something besides,” Roman looked up exasperated as he thought of a bad example. “‘They’re white and that clashes with my aesthetic’ I’ll try and find an alternative. But it… it scares me knowing that you’re still bleeding that badly.”</p>
<p>Virgil looked down for a few minutes before answering. “I’ve only been in a hospital twice. Neither time was a good experience,” Roman waited, expecting there to be more to the story. Virgil breathed deeply before continuing, “My mom was in one before she died. I remember going in one and being so hopeful every time because she had told me that hospitals made people better. And every time I left I remembered being heartbroken.”</p>
<p>Something inside Roman cracked at what he had just heard. He just imagined young Virgil walking into a hospital, eyes and heart full of hope that his mother was getting better, only for that to be ripped apart every time he left. Roman would hate going to those places too if something that bad ever happened to him.</p>
<p>“Virge…. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>He just shrugged. “You didn’t know.”</p>
<p>“Let me make a phone call. We have a friend who’s a doctor. I can see if they’ll come here and stitch you up.”</p>
<p>“There’s no way I can afford a doctor who makes house calls.”</p>
<p>“I’ll take care of it,” He noticed Virgil looking at him in a confused way. “Don’t give me that look; it’s not charity. It’s me wanting to help a friend. I may be famous but I still have a soul.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes,” Virgil rolled his eyes, turning his head away from Roman. “Sometimes I forget my only two friends are rich. You throw money around like nobody’s business.”</p>
<p>“Hey!” Roman jokingly put his hand against his chest in mock-hurt. “I don’t throw money around. This is serious and,” he paused to kick off his shoes and stand. “Your dad is probably hiding your money from you.”</p>
<p>“My what?” Virgil got very confused very quickly, standing as well.</p>
<p>“Well… I know that when a parent dies, most if not all of their saved money goes to the kid. And, depending on what their job was, the company may give their remaining salary to the kid too.” Roman shoved his hands in his pajama pockets and began walking back to his room. He had a somber look on his face.</p>
<p>“And you know this for a fact how?” Virgil asked as he followed. Roman shrugged, eyeing Virgil’s arm for a second.</p>
<p>“My aunt died when I was a teenager. My cousin went through it so I know some stuff.” His voice was filled with so many emotions at once that it was hard to differentiate between them. Virgil was taken aback. Roman seemed to have been hit hard by the death too, but was also remembering the happy moments with her.</p>
<p>“I’m-I’m sorry. Were… you two close?” Virgil decided on as they entered the forest-themed bedroom. Roman sat on the bed before running his hand through his hair. The younger settled himself on the floor.</p>
<p>“It’s okay…. And yeah, we were. She was a Disney Princess at Disneyland. She was the one who gave me the nickname Princey, actually, and called me her little Princey all the time. I spent a lot of time with her and my cousin Rem when my mom was in rehab.” At one point during his explanation, Roman had laid down on the bed. Since he was sitting on it before he laid back, his legs were still dangling off the end.</p>
<p>“She sounds important to you.” Virgil leaned his head back against the bed, but spoke mostly through his teeth. The pain was getting hard to handle at this point.</p>
<p>“Shit, right. Hand me my phone, Anx.” Roman simultaneously moved his right hand to cover his eyes and his left hand out to Virgil.</p>
<p>The prior looked around for a second before finding the phone on the floor somewhat next to the guitar. He reached over to pick it up, huffing in a bit of pain at the stretch. He grabbed it, retreated back to his prior spot, and deposited it in Roman’s hand.</p>
<p>“Thank you, my dark and stormy knight. I’m going to make a quick call now.” Roman said as he held the phone up in the air above his face. The hand covering it was long gone by now, instead helping hold the phone.</p>
<p>“Right, okay.” Virgil blandly responded as another round of pain stung up and down his arm. The panic he was feeling earlier overrode the pain, but now that was gone, he had free range to feel it. It was just <em>amazing</em>.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Roman said happily into the phone after a few seconds. “I need to call in a little favor, my friend.”</p>
<p>Virgil looked away from the boy on the bed, opting instead to stare at the floor. He didn’t want to intrude anyway on the conversation, even though it soon would be about him. A sinking feeling settled itself in the bottom of his stomach. He hated when people talked about him behind his back, considering they could be saying literally anything. Because of this fear, Virgil kept one ear open.</p>
<p>“Yeah! But my friend got himself into trouble, but he’s got a deathly fear of hospitals. Just think smol-Roman in second grade, ya know?” Roman paused, waiting for a response before he began laughing lightly. “Yeah yeah. That would be amazing…. Nah it’s not that big but it’s concerning.” Virgil could tell that Roman had a smile on his face due to the tone of his voice.</p>
<p>“What can I do to help slow the bleeding while you get here?” Roman listened for a few minutes. “Alright. Thanks, Joan. I owe you big for this.” He waited for his friend’s response. Once he got the answer he gave an over-dramatic sigh. “For the twenty-fifth zillionth time I can’t get you backstage passes to them. So what’s your next favor?” Virgil tried not to laugh at just how weird Roman can be with his friends.</p>
<p>“I can do that. See you soon.” Roman hung up the phone and looked at Virgil. “It’ll take them about 10 minutes to get here. In the time being, they said to give you some pain meds and put some pressure on your wound. So let’s get that taken care of,” He pushed himself back into a sitting position before standing up. Virgil scrambled to follow suit. “Why don’t you wait in the dining room while I grab the meds for you. If you want you can remove the gauze and hold some new stuff against it.”</p>
<p>Roman didn’t wait for Virgil to reply before he walked into the bathroom to pick up some meds. Virgil made his way back into the kitchen and carefully removed the dirty gauze from his arm. He hissed in pain from the tape and the occasional bandage adhesive pulling against his skin. When all of the stuff was cleared from his arm he grabbed some wet paper towels and went to clean the blood from his arm.</p>
<p>“Here, Virgil.” Virgil jumped, not hearing Roman walk up behind him. He spun around and looked at him scared until he registered who it was.</p>
<p>“Don’t sneak up on people!”</p>
<p>“Sorry. I thought you heard me coming down the hall,” He offered a couple of pills to Virgil. “Joan said that Advil was the best for right now. I’ll get you a glass of water if you want.”</p>
<p>Virgil took both pills and swallowed them down dry. “Not worth the bother.” He went back to cleaning his injury and putting pressure on it to try and stop the bleeding. His anxiety was kicking in slightly at the thought of any of his blood getting onto anything fancy or expensive so he kept close to the sink.</p>
<p>Despite wanting to make Virgil feel at home, Roman knew that the younger boy would probably need some time to feel that way. So instead of pressuring him to sit down, Roman prepared some gauze for Joan. The two boys stayed in silence until the doorbell broke it. Virgil jumped again slightly at the sudden noise while the older boy answered the door.</p>
<p>“Hello, Romano.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Joan. Thanks for coming,” He held the door open for the dark-haired person. They walked in and for a moment, they looked around. “Virgil’s in the dining room.”</p>
<p>Roman lead Joan to where Virgil was, and upon seeing the new person, they said, “Hello there.”</p>
<p>“Sup?”</p>
<p>“Virgil, this is my friend Joan. They’re an awesome doctor who will help patch you up.”</p>
<p>“Why don’t we sit down? It makes it easier for both of us. I get fucking tired of standing up all day,” Joan took a seat in one of the chairs, pulled on gloves, and set up their equipment. After a moment’s hesitation, Virgil sat down next to them. “So let’s take a look at your arm.”</p>
<p>Reluctantly Virgil moved the towel allowing Joan to see. When they made a hiss of pain at the look of the injury, he quickly said, “It’s not as bad as I’ve had.”</p>
<p>“Then you are one fucking unlucky person if this isn’t that bad,” Gently they poked the wound to gauge the deepness of it. Without saying anything else, Joan began to sterilize the wound. Afterwards, they threaded a needle before pulling out a small vial. “So I am going to give you a local anesthetic shot-”</p>
<p>“Nope!” Virgil interrupted Joan, shooting up from the chair from seeing the vial and hearing that there’d be a shot. “I’ll just bleed out. Not gonna do this. Nope.”</p>
<p>“Virgil-” Roman tried to calm his friend down.</p>
<p>“Nope. Sorry to waste your time, Joan, but this is not happening.”</p>
<p>“Virgil, if it’s the shot I don’t have to do it. It’ll just hurt like a son of a bitch.” Joan put away the vial. “If you get too bad, Roman can knock you out.” They teased their friend.</p>
<p>“Hey don’t drag me into this!” He sounded offended.</p>
<p>“But, Roman, you owe me remember?” The twinkle in their eye was clear to Virgil. “I mean this is just such a <em>huge</em> favor.”</p>
<p>“I think I’d rather figure out how to get you backstage tickets to Hamilton. I’d have my ass kicked less.”</p>
<p>Virgil smiled a little sadly at the easy way the two people could tease and laugh. He could do that somewhat with Logan but not a lot of the sarcasm jokes registered. He was so engrossed in the banter between the people in front of him he didn’t really feel the needle as Joan started to sew him up. Vaguely Virgil realized that Joan also started in the middle of his injury.</p>
<p>“Hey. Why do you start in the middle?”</p>
<p>“Because it’s easier to do the stitching in smaller sections. If I start in the middle and work my way out I have a fixed stopping point. Besides that, I’m not sure why. It could be that it helps pull the skin closed so some of the other ones don’t hurt as much. I never retained a lot of the reasoning behind why things are done.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Virgil focuses on breathing through some of the pain.</p>
<p>“Roman, could you get me some more damp cloth?” Joan asked.</p>
<p>Roman does so and helped Joan clean off the blood. Virgil hated the helpless feeling he had. One thing he hated more than almost anything was not doing something and having to be babied.</p>
<p>“We’re almost done. Thanks for not slapping me from the pain. I really don’t want another fucking black eye..” Joan commented as they continue to stitch Virgil up.</p>
<p>Virgil’s eyes widen. “You’ve gotten slapped before, too?”</p>
<p>“Slapped, kicked once. Punched. You’d be amazed how people react when they’re in pain. You’re being really calm. Unlike this big fucking baby here.” They jerk their thumb at Roman who looks at them feigning offense. “I think he’d cry for like an hour over a paper cut.”</p>
<p>“I’ll have you know I got a paper cut and only cried for twenty minutes.”</p>
<p>Both Virgil and Joan groan. “Really dude? Spongebob reference?” Virgil couldn’t believe that the famous person in front of him had watched such a dumb show.</p>
<p>“It’s a classic, Charlie Frown.” Roman argued, crossing his arms on faux hurt.</p>
<p>“There’s no point in arguing with Roman over what is and isn’t a classic. You surely know how hard-headed he can be.” Joan shared a knowing smile with Virgil as they were finishing up the stitches.</p>
<p>“I think statues are less hard-headed.” Virgil agreed, thankful for the banter to distract him from the pain as the needle went in and out of his skin.</p>
<p>“You two are ganging up on me! This isn’t fair.” Roman whined with a pout.</p>
<p>Joan chuckled before they taped some gauze over the stitches. “You have to be careful with these. Don’t let them get wet for at least a couple of days. And even after that, you shouldn’t soak them. So no swimming or baths. The amount of times I’ve seen stitches fucked up because of some stupid shit like that is un-fucking-believable.” They began to pack up the medical things, not before taking off the blue blood-covered gloves on their hands.</p>
<p>“Fine by me. I am not fond of either option,” Virgil shook the hand Joan extended to him before settling it on the place of his elbow where the gauze wasn’t touching. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome. I’m going to give you my business card. Call in about three weeks and I’ll take them out. Or if you find you need some help keeping this big lug in line you can call me sooner.” Joan smiled, eyes darting to the patch-up job they just did. They stood, Virgil following suit shortly after.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I’ll be around him enough for that but… thanks.” Virgil managed a small smile again. He took the little orange card they offered that matched the beanie Joan was wearing and placed it in his pocket.</p>
<p>“Just stay in state or someshit so I don’t have to fly across the world to get to you, alright?” Joan asked mostly kidding, but there was an underlying tone of seriousness.</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine.” Virgil supplied before being cut off of any other thought processes by Roman.</p>
<p>“He’s not going anywhere, actually,” Roman proclaimed, which made Virgil’s eyebrow skyrocket into his hairline. <em>What was this dude talking about?</em> “Well, mostly. You should stay here a little longer so I can help you redress it and… check up on the healing process.” Roman’s hand flew to the back of his neck almost as quick as Virgil’s eyebrow rose. He couldn’t keep eye contact with Virgil so he opted for looking at the ground as his hand rubbed his neck.</p>
<p>“You two really need to sort the shit that’s going on between you?” Joan pointed to the two of them while picking up their medical bag. “The tension can be cut with a fucking knife in here,” They quipped, moving to the door. They turned their head to each of the boys when they said, “But anyways! Call me, get me tickets, and both of you, just… yeah. Bye!” And just like that, they were gone.</p>
<p>“Well, they certainly are a handful.” Virgil let out a huff of a laugh, his smile twitching upward. He opened his mouth to say something else, but his stomach rumbled in hunger. He looked down at it sheepishly, blush rising on his cheeks.</p>
<p>“I take it you’re hungry?” Roman asked as he began to move from the dining room into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“If you show me ingredients and shit, I can make pancakes? From scratch too. Or an omelet, if you prefer.” Virgil asked his own question, trailing behind Roman.</p>
<p>The kitchen, to put it lightly, was fucking huge. The ceiling was high with a crystal chandelier over the side where the room trailed into the living room. The cabinets were a light creme, which complimented the dark grey granite countertops nicely. The floor was a dark red hardwood that somehow managed to pull everything together. Virgil didn’t know much about home decorating or interior design, but this was beautiful.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to cook anything for me-” Roman started to say, only to be cut off by a glare by Virgil.</p>
<p>“I got stitches for you. I may not have gone to the ER but I did, and that is me holding my end of the deal. So. You’ve gotta have breakfast. So ha,” The young man smirked before opening the large stainless steel fridge with his good hand to survey what ingredients he would be working with. Upon seeing eggs, cheese, green bell peppers, ham, and bacon, he settled on omelets. “Do you like bacon in your omelets?”</p>
<p>Shell shocked, Roman didn’t know what to say. He fumbled with opening and closing his mouth for a few seconds, prompted on to say something by a gesture of his arm. He settled on closing his mouth and shaking his head no. This was apparently enough confirmation for the determined man with stitches in one arm, as he started to grab what he needed out of the fridge, minus bacon.</p>
<p>Virgil took pride in knowing that he was able to get the boisterous man to be at a loss for words. What surprised him, however, was he felt more pride at this moment than he did when Logan was at a loss. Before he got distracted with that train of thought he grabbed a kitchen knife and looked for a moment for the cutting boards. Without saying a word, Roman grabbed one for him and offered it.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Virgil took the board and got to cutting up the peppers. “Would you grate some cheese for me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sure,” Roman got out the block of cheese and grabbed the grater before moving to stand next to Virgil. “Just onto a plate or where?”</p>
<p>“A plate’s fine.”</p>
<p>Both men work silently, the only sound being the preparation of the ingredients. Roman was surprised by how well the two of them seem to be in sync. Despite the annoyance at Virgil remembering what was said last night, he was glad that they seemed to be working through things alright. They could still help each other out of any funks they found themselves in.</p>
<p>Roman was jerked out of his thoughts when he realized that Virgil had said something. “I’m sorry. What?”</p>
<p>The younger boy gave an over-dramatic sigh. “I said where do you keep your spatulas?”</p>
<p>“Second drawer to the left.”</p>
<p>Virgil grabbed a silicone one and poured the first bit of egg into the hot pan, working on making Roman’s first. With what could only be a lot of practice Virgil flipped the omelet without breaking in. His heart swelled with pride when he saw the clear astonishment on the other’s face.</p>
<p>“You’re not the only one that’s full of surprises Princey.” He flipped it again before putting some cheese on top.</p>
<p>“Okay, now you’re just showing off.”</p>
<p>“Maybe. You’ll never know,” He plated it when it was ready. “There you are. And omelet fit for a Prince.”</p>
<p>“Ha. Ha,” Roman took it and grabbed a fork. His stomach did a flip. He didn’t really want to eat it but he knew he had to keep his side of the deal. Plus he could practically feel the other’s eyes watching him. “It looks good.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you think so. But you won’t know if it tastes good ‘till you try it.”</p>
<p>“Ya know you suck right?”</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t blame me for what you said. I’m just making you keep your end of the deal mister. I can always go take a bath and soak the stitches,” Virgil thought he heard something along the lines of ‘son of a bitch’ but he wasn’t entirely sure. He put his food onto the plate and sat next to Roman. “I’m not going to poison you.”</p>
<p>Roman sighed and cut off a small bite. He ate it and forced himself to swallow it. It tasted pretty good actually but it didn’t cut through the bile he could feel in this throat. Taking a deep breath, he ate another bite.</p>
<p>Virgil watched Roman discreetly. Years of walking with a hood over his head had allowed him to move his eyes in a way most people won’t notice. He was glad that Roman’s eating but he can see how much effort it took. As long as he eats half and doesn’t go and purge it out I’ll take it as a win. It’d be easier to work him up into more than forcing him to eat a lot now. His stomach has got to get used to it again.</p>
<p>Unsure why, Virgil found himself saying, “You’re doing great, Creativity.”</p>
<p>Roman looked up in shock at the praise that came from the man’s mouth. Based on the blush going across Virgil’s face it was not something he meant to say out loud. The reinforcement of someone he cared so much about was enough to push the bile taste back some. It was still there but not as strong.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Anxiety.” Roman replied, his voice just above a whisper.</p>
<p>The two continue to eat in silence for several minutes. Roman stopped just before he finished half of his food. While Virgil wished he’d take a couple more bites he could tell on the other’s face that was not going to happen.</p>
<p>“Did you like it?” He sheepishly asked.</p>
<p>“I did. It was good. How did you learn to cook so well?”</p>
<p>“My mother taught me. When she was sick I’d cook for her. I mean they were never five-star meals, but she always liked them. Especially my grilled ham and cheese,” Virgil smiled at the memory, though it was a little sad. “I can make it for you later if you want.”</p>
<p>“You know you don’t have to cook for me every meal right?”</p>
<p>“Would you eat otherwise?” The fact the other didn’t answer was an answer enough. “While I’m here I’m going to cook for you. I mean you were the one who said I should stay right?”</p>
<p>“Why do you insist on using my words against me?”</p>
<p>“Because you open your mouth. Want to say anything else to give me some more ammo?”</p>
<p>Roman shook his head and picked up his plate, putting the leftovers into a Tupperware container. “Your clothes should be clean,” He said, attempting to avoid giving Virgil more ammo.</p>
<p>“Thanks, I guess.” Virgil stood to clean the dishes while Roman slipped away to grab his stuff from the dryer. His arms were elbow-deep in suds when the other man returned.</p>
<p>“Umm…. the blood wouldn’t come out of your shirt. I got it out of your jeans though. So I grabbed one of my shirts. It’s not black but it’s gray. We can go thrift shopping for you later if you want some darker colors.” Roman rubbed his arm awkwardly. “I put them in the bathroom if you wanna change or anything.”</p>
<p>Instead of being offended at the thought of Roman spending more money on him, Virgil decided to tease him. “Thrift shopping? You know what that is?” He laughed at the offended noises the other one made as he put the last item up to dry, strategically moving so that Roman couldn’t see the undersides of his arms. “Thanks. I’m gonna change. Your pants are too baggy for me.” He dried his hands before leaving the kitchen.</p>
<p>He somewhat knew where he was going, but it still took a good minute to find the bathroom that Roman was talking about. Once there, Virgil did his best to change into what Roman had supplied him with. Upon snooping around for a few seconds, Virgil found some deodorant, an unopened toothbrush, and toothpaste. He used both things to his advantage, and stole the hairbrush for a few seconds. He had no clue whose hygiene things he was using, but he tried not to care.</p>
<p>Roman, on the other hand, sat in a chair and thought about the strange person who was in his house. His thoughts, however, were cut off when he heard the doorbell ring throughout the home. Groaning, he stood to go to see who it was. Shock ran through him when he saw the person standing at his door.</p>
<p>Patton.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. seventeen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: undertones of abuse, low self-worth, intrusive thoughts, swearing, self-inflicted pain as punishment, negative self-thinking, mention of parental death, intrusive thoughts, implied eating disorder</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patton was at Roman’s front door, with Virgil getting changed in the bathroom, and neither had a clue the other was in the house. This was going to be an interesting day. Roman could never turn away his best friend, so asking Patton to leave was out of the question. What was more out of the question was making Virgil hide, because then he might think Roman is embarrassed by him, but he isn’t. Something even less possible than that to happen was for Roman to make Virgil leave, which wouldn’t go well with either party. Virgil obviously didn’t want to go home, and Roman wanted to watch over him for a while. So, the only other option was to have Patton formally meet Virgil.</p>
<p>“Roman? Kiddo? Pal, friend, human? You okay?” Patton asked in quick succession, swaying on the balls of his feet. This broke Roman out of his line of thought, making the older—who was just called kiddo by a friend younger than him—snap his eyes up at his friend. </p>
<p>“Patton! Hi, yes, hello, please come in,” the owner of the home opened the door wider for Patton to come in, adding in a gesture of welcome. “I totally forgot you were coming over.”</p>
<p>“Roman!” Patton sounded slightly offended, but mostly worried. “How the pecking peck did you forget about my very worried dad-Pat call yesterday?” The younger started kicking off his shoes as he shrugged off his yellow rain jacket that completely clashed with his sky blue t-shirt with a pink ice cream cone on it. </p>
<p>Patton’s answer came around the corner just after he got his jacket on the hook. Virgil was looking down at his now ruined purple shirt in his right hand instead of looking up as he said, “Hey Ro, who was at the door? I heard the—“ He was cut off by a screech, which made him look up to see a very excitable short boy with curly red hair and many freckles. Patton.</p>
<p>“That’s your answer,” Roman said with a sort of flatline tone to both Patton and Virgil at the same time. He pressed his hand into his face, dragging it down his nose before taking a breath. Patton was basically vibrating with… whatever emotion he was vibrating with. His eyes were as bright as his toothy grin, his hands up against his chest and twitching as he wobbled back and forth. “He came over in literally the middle of the night. Right after you called, actually.”</p>
<p>Virgil, however, was shaking for the completely opposite reason. Here before him was Patton Heart, his best friend's crush and mortal enemy’s <em>(or is it friend? Acquaintance? Creativity?)</em> best friend. How was he supposed to react to that? He doesn’t exactly have the best track record with emotions and Roman. Putting those two things together tended to end in catastrophe, but an amazing, wild, gorgeous catastrophe. He didn’t know what to do or how to think, much less what to say. Virgil ended up accidentally dropping his ruined shirt on the floor.</p>
<p>“Pat, remember you need to breathe. He’s not a puppy who will get excited from your energy.” Roman said trying to calm his best friend down for the sake of his other friend. </p>
<p>Patton covered his mouth, trying to become calm, before removing it and saying, “I’m sorry, but finally! It’s really nice to meet you Virgil! I mean, ya know, like… officially.” He couldn’t help but bounce up and down on the balls of his feet. The desire to rush and hug the lanky boy was almost too much, but he knew from Roman that he wasn’t the biggest fan of sudden touches. </p>
<p>“Sure. Whatever.” Virgil bent down to pick his shirt up from the floor. He already had his mask, his facade, firmly in place. He had to have it in place. Patton may have talked to him as Anxiety, but he never had met Virgil before. Virgil didn’t know who he wanted to be talking to, so he settled on his usual hard persona. It was easy to do, as it was his natural reaction to anything at this point.</p>
<p>All this did, however, was make Patton squeal louder than before. “Wait, this means we all three can spend the day together! Oh oh oh and maybe I can teach you guys how to make thumbprint cookies?”</p>
<p>Both Roman and Virgil looked at Patton in shock before looking at each other. Neither had a clue to how to deal with the boy in the ice cream shirt. Virgil wanted to run and hide from any chance of his facade breaking, but something inside him stopped him. Maybe it was how highly Logan spoke of him, or that he seemed harmless, or that Roman was looking happy at the day to come, but Virgil decided to stay. For now, at least. </p>
<p>Roman broke out of his stupor first. “Wait. Thumbprint cookies? As in jelly in the middle cookies? With the Crofter's in the middle?”</p>
<p>“What is with you people and excitement over <em>jam</em>?” Virgil couldn’t believe Roman’s sudden excitement over a jam. Especially after Patton just invited himself to do things with them. </p>
<p>“Hey! Crofters is amazing!” Roman attempted to defend himself, throwing his hands in the air. This made Virgil flinch in the slightest, but he held most of it back. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show weakness. <em>Don’t show weakness.</em></p>
<p>“It’s a jam!” Virgil didn’t know how people could be this obsessed with a jam. It reminded him of Logan, which made a spike of sadness and guilt hit his stomach.</p>
<p>Both Patton and Roman gasped at that. “It is not just a jam!” Roman took a step back, lowering his hands. He didn’t know if Patton did, but he noticed the flinch. “It is the fruit spread of the gods!”</p>
<p>“Have you ever had Crofter’s, kiddo?” Patton asked softly. He didn’t know if Roman did, but he noticed the flinch.</p>
<p>The sudden change in Patton’s demeanor caused Virgil to pause. It was very similar to the way Logan had tried to get him to eat the jam, not to mention when he was fixing him up after a rough night, “I haven’t.” He settled on the simplest words devoid of emotion. <em>Don’t show weakness. Don’t show weakness.</em></p>
<p>“We gotta fix that right now!” Patton went to grab Virgil’s hand, but stopped just before he did. His hand wavered, unsure if he wanted to be touched. As an answer, Virgil put his hands in his back pockets, complete with a clench of his jaw at the pain the movement caused to his upper arm. It made a small sinking feeling hit Patton, but he dropped his hand and lead him to the kitchen anyway. Once there, he opened the fridge and pulled out the strawberry jar. He spun around to get a spoon and scooped some jelly out of the jar.</p>
<p>“Here you go.” He offered the spoon to Virgil.</p>
<p>“I’m supposed to eat that with a spoon? No fucking way.” Virgil told Patton, hands still in the back of his pockets.</p>
<p>Patton gasped, “Language!” Virgil at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming guilt swirling in his chest. <em>Bad bad can’t do anything right.</em> Virgil’s intrusive thoughts rattled. <em>He hates you he hates you he hates you and he’ll hurt you now. Stupid stupid stupid.</em></p>
<p>“And yes. You can eat Crofter’s with a spoon and be completely happy. If you want I’m sure we can find you a piece of bread?” Patton lowered the spoon, trying his best not to blame Virgil for how cold he was being. He knew that it was a coping mechanism, now that he put together what happened with Anxiety and events with Virgil.</p>
<p>Roman chuckled at Patton in “Dad Mode” while he was digging in the pantry for the bread. “I’m way ahead of you for the bread, Pat. But he is right. You could eat Crofter’s with a spoon and be in heaven.” He handed a slice to Patton after opening it on the counter.</p>
<p>Patton spread what he had on the spoon onto the white bread before passing it over to Virgil. Virgil sighed, trying to keep his face looking disinterested, and took a bite of it. His eyes widened as, the sensations, the flavor, and the texture filled his senses.  Before he knew what he was doing, he finished the piece of bread and licked his fingers. After, he internally cursed himself for it.</p>
<p>Roman and Patton both laughed at his reaction. “I think that’s a “yes” on the thumbprint cookies?” Roman teased Virgil, who flipped him off.</p>
<p>“I will physically fight you, young man, if you keep using such bad words!” Patton put the jar of Crofters back into the fringe.</p>
<p>Virgil strongly felt that Patton would—even though he was older than the redhead—that same guilt hitting his chest again. He didn’t show it, keeping the stone face in place, as he apologized, “Sorry. Habit.”</p>
<p>“So what’s the plan for before lunch, kiddos?” Patton asked as he sat down at one of the breakfast bar seats at the same time Virgil heaved himself to sit on the counter.</p>
<p>“Well, Virgil needed some new clothes while he’s staying here, so we were going to go to the thrift store.” Roman said, mostly into the pantry as he put away the bread.</p>
<p>“We don’t have to do that. It can wait if you two wanna do something else.” Virgil mumbled as he stared at the floor. He hated to be an inconvenience. It all he ever was. Patton could see how insecure Virgil was in that moment with his head hung low and guard still firmly in place. That would not stand.</p>
<p>“I think that’d be fun! Maybe I can find me another awesome shirt while we’re there.” he smiled, trying to put Virgil at ease.</p>
<p>“That’s not really the problem.” Virgil sneered, but Patton didn’t flinch.</p>
<p>“Then what is it, kiddo? I think it’d be fun to go shopping.” He said softly instead.</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t want to say it. He also didn’t want to make it look like he was staying with Roman on charity. “I didn’t,” he clenched his jaw, continuing, “bring anything but my phone yesterday, and that’s…. I was still talking to Logan.”</p>
<p>“We can go and pick up some of your stuff if you want.” Patton suggested, still speaking softly</p>
<p>“NO!” Virgil nearly screamed that one word. The fear he felt wasn’t only for himself this time. He didn’t know what his father would do if any of his “friends” came with. He didn’t let any of this fear leave his gut though, instead solidifying his glare with the harsh, loud, one word of ‘no.’</p>
<p>Patton was highly taken back, but didn’t let it stop his plan to make Virgil feel at home. “Well, when you get your wallet you can pay us back, if you want. Unless you wanna start wearing a lot lighter colored clothes. I think that grey shirt is the darkest thing Roman owns.” He noticed Virgil looking down, unsure. “Or if you know how to make really good spaghetti that’d be a way to pay me back.” </p>
<p>Nothing had prepared Virgil for someone saying that he can pay them back in food. “Fine.”</p>
<p>“Then let’s get you some clothes. Come on it’ll be fun!” </p>
<p>“Let me get ready, Pat. In case you forgot, I’m still in my PJs.” Roman pointed down to his Princey-signature red pants with golden crowns on them. </p>
<p>Patton agreed to wait for Roman to get ready, then situated himself at the breakfast bar to do just that. As he looked around, his eyes settled on Virgil momentarily. In that split second of time, he noticed that Virgil winced when he pulled his grey sleeved arm through the sleeve of his hoodie. </p>
<p>“You okay, Virgil?” the younger asked, moving forward on his seat.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” He hummed, confused.</p>
<p>“It looked like it hurt when you put your hoodie on.” Patton’s lips twitched down in a small frown.</p>
<p>“I’m fine. Just a cut.” Virgil bit, but with a little less ferocity than other times that day.</p>
<p>Patton’s heart broke at realizing that Virgil probably didn’t think a cut of any kind was a big deal. He certainly thought that a cut big enough to make him wince like that was a big deal! Before he could say anything on the matter though, Roman came bursting into the main room in his day clothes. He was wearing normal blue jeans with a sage-colored t-shirt that had a small brown pine tree outline on the pocket of it. It was certainly a change of pace to the usual red and gold. </p>
<p>“I’m here! Did you miss me?” he said as he struck a fairly flamboyant pose and a wide smile. It was clear that he cleaned himself up in the short time he was gone; his hair looked tamer and his teeth were whiter. Virgil still snorted at his antics, though.</p>
<p>Patton nodded, jumped out of his seat, and hugged Roman. It was a full-on bear hug, complete with the younger swaying back and forth before letting go. He didn’t let go for a little while, though, as it was the first hug of the day, as he talked, “Of course I did! We’re all ready, so let’s getta goin’. I call driving!”</p>
<p>Patton bounced up and down again, basically wobbling over to the front entrance. Virgil followed with a strange mix of endearment and confusion in his chest, glancing back to Roman. The latter gave a shrug and a smirk to the second eldest before shrugging on his own rain jacket. It must have been cloudy with a chance of rain outside. </p>
<p>“There’s no way in puppy heaven I’m letting you drive, Pats.” Roman gave a small chuckle with his words, grabbing his own keys. Virgil assumed it was to the mint green Mini Cooper parked on the street. Patton pouted but didn’t argue.</p>
<p>“What’s with all the fuc- with all green, Princey?” Virgil finally asked, cutting out the swear, as the three quickly made their way to the car on the street. It actually was raining, which the other two didn’t enjoy. At this point, Virgil didn’t mind. He was correct in thinking that the green car was Roman’s, though. The question had been plaguing him since he saw the other’s room, but it had its roots earlier than that. He started wondering it immediately when he found out Creativity was Roman, considering that the blog theme was all green. </p>
<p>“Well,” Roman started as he got into the car and took of his hood. Virgil was happy that it was a four door Mini because he didn’t want to bother the two friends to let him in and out. He was already bothering them enough already. “I just really like it. ‘S my favorite color, but the Princey brand fit more with my second fav, red, obviously.” </p>
<p>Patton chuckled as he put on his seatbelt after he took off his own hood. He was the last to do so, even though he wasn’t the last in the car. He took a deep breath in, taking in the air freshener scent and the situation. He was happy to be thrifting with his best friend again, and a new friend was tagging along too! Although, the youngest was worried about the almost-violent reaction Virgil had about going home. From what parts he knew, it wasn’t a home, only a house, and not a good one at that.</p>
<p>Roman turned on the car, but before he pulled out into the street to leave, he plugged in his phone to a chord coming out of the radio. Patton made grabby hands for the phone, and Roman surrendered the red cased object. It took so little persuasion on Patton’s part that Virgil could only assume that this was the normal routine for the two friends. After a few seconds, twenty øne piløt’s relatively new single, Jumpsuit, from their next album started blaring through the speakers. Satisfied, Roman put the car in drive, released the E-brake, and they were on their way.</p>
<p>To where, Virgil wasn’t entirely sure. He knew that they were going thrifting, against his better judgment, but he didn’t know where. Virgil began to play with the hem of the borrowed, baggy grey shirt as the song got into the chorus. With a jolt of realization, he snapped his still hooded head up to Patton.</p>
<p>“Wait, you like twenty øne piløts?” The one in the backseat leaned up a little to be able to place his hand on the driver’s seat, which was the seat he was behind. Patton broke out into yet another grin, moving around in his seat to face Virgil. Roman shook his head in fake exasperation, but the smile on his face gave away his joy at the scene unfolding.</p>
<p>“Do I?! I love them! I basically have the four new Trench tracks on repeat.” Patton rested his elbow on his elbow rest to be able to place his chin in the palm of his hand. He then looked at Virgil in anticipation, waiting for an equally enthused response.</p>
<p>“Same here,” Virgil said flatter than Patton expected, but still with excitement sparking in his eyes. He was careful to keep his face as neutral as possible, not wanting to give away just how much he liked the band. “Did you know that the lower modulated voice in Nico and the Niners is Josh?” He asked, his hand going into his pocket to find the loose string to play with. It was his go-to fidget thing; he was lucky it hadn’t broken yet. </p>
<p>“No! Really?” Patton gasped, happy that he found someone who liked the band he did. Roman was keeping his eyes on the road, mostly. He did take the occasional peak at Virgil in the back, and at Patton at his side. The Virgil peaks were more discrete, though.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I’m ready for the full album, but it also means school is going to start up again. So. Eh.” Virgil leaned back in his seat, a little more comfortable with Patton at this point. His coldness was slipping away, but he couldn’t help it. He bit down on his lip, moving his right hand so that he could press on the stitches in his arm. It was punishment for letting himself open up, and it hurt like a motherfucker. An involuntary wince left his lips, but it was covered by the screaming of Tyler through the speakers.</p>
<p>“Hey, you good?” Roman asked after turning on his blinker and checking his rearview mirror. He got a glimpse of Virgil’s movement in the mirror, and immediately got worried.</p>
<p>“Fine.” Virgil bit with his usual sneer. He pressed deeper into the stitches. </p>
<p>“Do you need some more Advil? There’s some in the console-” Roman tried to continue, but was cut off by Virgil.</p>
<p>“‘M fine.” He said, but a little softer this time. He moved his hand back into his pocket.</p>
<p>“We’re almost there.” Patton cut in with a sing-song voice, making Virgil cock his head. He didn’t know that there was a thrift store so close. </p>
<p>“Ten minutes away does not qualify as ‘almost there,’ Pats.” Roman interjected with a chuckle. The song drifted out, and in place of it, some show tunes began blaring. It that moment, Virgil remembered that the phone playing was Roman’s. That meant that he also liked twenty øne piløts, because he was the one who had the song on his phone. It touched Virgil’s heart a little, considering that he had no clue what the band was until Anxiety introduced him. He still listened to their songs.</p>
<p>“Patton?” Virgil said, not entirely sure what he wanted to ask.</p>
<p>“Yeah, kiddo?”</p>
<p>“Did…” Get it together Virgil, you’re showing too much weakness. “Did Princey introduce you to them or did you like them before?”</p>
<p>“I liked a few of their songs before. But Roman had put a few of their songs on his phone and when we listened to them I really liked the music. It’s pretty awesome.” </p>
<p>“Ah.” </p>
<p>“I mean I was more of a Panic! At The Disco kid myself. Even their more sad songs still sounded pretty happy. And his voice is awesome.” </p>
<p>“Pat, I think your heart eyes are showing,” Roman teased the youngest boy. Virgil couldn’t help but snicker slightly. “Though, I will concede. Brendon Urie has the voice of an angel.”</p>
<p>“And some of his newer music videos connect into a story! Did you know that, kiddo?” Patton asked Virgil who was shocked by just how excited the other boy was. </p>
<p>“This Is Gospel and Emperor’s New Clothes right?” Virgil tried to sound uninterested, but he couldn’t succeed as well as he wanted. It was like Patton’s excitement and personality was rubbing off on him, breaking down any walls that were put up.</p>
<p>“And Say Amen! That one is like the start of that whole story,” Patton turned to grab Roman’s phone. “I think you have that song on here somewhere, Roman.” He started to type the song in. </p>
<p>Virgil stayed quiet for the remainder of the drive, getting lost in thought. He couldn’t believe just how easily Logan’s crush could make him relax. Almost more easily than Logan’s no-nonsense way could. Despite knowing nearly nothing about the boy, wanted to open up to him. Stop being an idiot. His inner voice said. It’s all probably a trick. Roman wanted you to open up to Patton and tell him all of your secrets. Then he’ll have it spread all throughout school. Roman would never have to lift a finger or break his word to you. He’d have Patton do it. But looking at the over-excited boy, Virgil didn’t believe that. Deep down he believed that Patton was good. </p>
<p>Roman pulled up to the thrift shop. “We’re here, kiddo!” Patton’s voice cut through Virgil’s internal dilemma.</p>
<p>The two of them put their hoods back on before exiting, Virgil having to just walk out of the car. He was the first one to exit, and therefore the first to make it to the front of the store. He watched as the two raced from the car to inside. Virgil turned to go in, only to turn around just in time to see Patton skidding into him, unable to stop. Without thinking, Virgil grabbed and steadied him just before he fell. It made pain light across his arm, but the gratefulness on Patton’s face was worth it.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Virgil. I guess you could say I’ve fallen for you.” Virgil groaned at the bad pun, but Patton didn’t miss the slight smile before he put his mask back up. “Let’s go then. Maybe we can find something really thrifty.”</p>
<p>Roman groaned that time, playfully. “Was that a pun of nifty?”</p>
<p>“Yup!” Patton walked into the store with a huge smile on his face. </p>
<p>Virgil just shook his head before following the young boy. He didn’t understand Patton but being in his presence was calming, in a way that was different than Logan or even Roman. He was like the sunshine determined to burst through Virgil’s storm clouds. Immediately, Virgil went towards the darker clothes. Patton and Roman followed, but stayed far enough away so it didn’t look like they’re watching over Virgil to make sure he didn’t bolt.</p>
<p>After several minutes of looking, Patton closed the distance between himself and Virgil. “Find anything yet, kiddo?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I found a couple shirts.” Virgil raised the two black shirts in his hand. One was a short sleeve with a pocket that was made out of purple patchwork fabric, while the other was a long sleeve crew neck with white lines that resembled something like radio static on the chest.</p>
<p>“I found one I think you’d like.” Patton held up a black shirt that read ‘I’ll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color’ in grey lettering.</p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle for a few moments at the shirt. When he noticed Patton face fall, he quickly stumbled over his thoughts. He didn’t want Patton to hate him, or to give him any more material to make fun of him for. At a crossroads, Virgil decided to do what he does best: be confusing.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Virgil bit, taking the shirt from Patton rather roughly. “Just because I laughed doesn’t mean I don’t like it.” He finished harshly, but with truth underlying his words. </p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but smile at his dark strange son’s confusing-ness. At this point in the day, Patton had basically picked up how Virgil phrased things, and what he actually meant. With his facade up, that was the closest to an apology that he was going to get. He took it as is.</p>
<p>“Hey, Pat, there’s a shirt here that says ‘How Do You Like Me Meow?” I think it’s very much you.” Roman’s voice broke through Patton and Virgil’s moment of understanding. </p>
<p>“That sounds hecking adorable!” Patton called back. </p>
<p>Under his breath, Virgil muttered, “It should have said ‘question bark’ at the end.” A split second too late, he realized he said it louder than he meant when Patton squealed loud enough to turn a few heads. Virgil ducked his head, doing his best to hide his blush. </p>
<p>Roman walked over to them with the shirt for Patton in his arm. “What got you so excited, Pat?”</p>
<p>“Virgil made a dad joke!” The youngest man looked at the boy with such pride in his eyes. </p>
<p>“Well it’s official Virgil, you’ve won Patton over. You’re now one of his best friends.” </p>
<p>Roman said that with so much sincerity in his tone that even Virgil couldn’t doubt it. And here I thought Princey was the out-here one. How can Patton consider me a friend after only about an hour and a half of knowing me? Especially after everything I did to his best friend. He should hate me. Something inside of Virgil broke at that last thought. Maybe… he can’t hate people. Maybe the closest he can do is embarrass me in front of a lot of people.</p>
<p>Virgil jerked out of his thoughts when a hand gently touched his arm. “Breathe, Anxiety.” Roman’s voice wasn’t cold and commanding but it held a tone that meant business. He did as he was told and breathed in the pattern that he knew all too well. “Feel better?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I’m fine.” He looked at the oldest with a look that dared him to disagree. </p>
<p>Roman didn’t take the bait. “Well did you find enough clothes to make the Addams Family buy grey for a while?” </p>
<p>Virgil flipped Roman off but couldn’t help but smirk slightly. “And for your information Princey, the Addams Family did not have everything black. Their house was actually painted pink because it showed up as a nice shade of grey on the film,” The look of complete shock on the other’s face was priceless. Before the look could fade Virgil took out his phone and took a picture of it. “Proof that the great and popular Prince can actually look like a human and not a model all the time.”</p>
<p>“I mean it’s not as embarrassing as the one I have of you, Ro.” Patton said and smiled knowingly.</p>
<p>“If you ever show that one to anyone Pat I will write a song about how horrible you are.” Roman threatened, but it was clear there was no heat behind the words. </p>
<p>“Well, now I’m curious. If his jaw hanging open like someone trying to catch flies isn’t the worst picture, what is?”</p>
<p>“You’ll see, eventually.” Patton promised as he skipped off to the changing room to try on his new shirt. </p>
<p>“I don’t know how you keep up with that ball of energy. I’ve been near him for just over an hour, and I’m ready for a nap.” Virgil all but grumbled under his breath, keeping his words low. He didn’t want there to be any way Patton could hear him, considering he was talking bad about him.</p>
<p>Roman laughed, breaking any kind of inconspicuous presence, “Patton can be a big ball of energy, but it’s nice to have that much positivity. Plus, he’s always there when you need him. No matter what. I think that’s something we both agree is nice to have. Some constancy.”</p>
<p>“I hate when you make sense.” Virgil held his clothes closer to his chest, thinking. Is this too much money for Patton to spend on me? I feel like it is. I could deal with just one more pair of jeans and a couple shirts. It’s not like I’m going to be at Roman’s for a long time. I’ll have more clothes soon.</p>
<p>This time it was Patton who broke through his dark thoughts. The youngest was bouncing back to the pair from the dressing rooms saying, “I love the shirt you found, Ro! And it fits all nice-like,” He paused as he looked at the few clothes Virgil had in his arms. “Is that enough, kiddo? I know you probably don’t want me to spend a lot on you, but that’s almost nothing?” </p>
<p>“I’m fine.” That seemed to be his catchphrase today.</p>
<p>“Alright…” Patton’s concerned face didn’t leave but he didn’t push the issue any further. Instead he pulled out his phone and texted Roman quickly, saying he’d buy some Crofter’s for the cookies if Roman would buy Virgil at least one more pair of pants and a shirt. “Why don’t we go pay then?”</p>
<p>“Whatever.” Virgil walked off with Patton. </p>
<p>Roman read his text and smiled slightly at the concern his best friend had for the little emo. He replied with the two flavors he’d like, and proceeded to grab another pair of black jeans with unnecessary zipper pockets and a few more darker shirts. He didn’t have a hard time with choosing, as the ones that he grabbed were ones that Virgil was looking at before putting them back with sad eyes. Both of them, by almost sheer chance, were purple. One other item caught his attention as he walked up to the counter, though. It was a curious-looking black hoodie with a purple inner hood. There was also bits of the same purple plaid added by wide white stitching. It looked like it was homemade, but it fit Virgil’s style well. Roman decided to grab it on an impulse, figuring he could keep it for a birthday present. Knowing Patton would keep Virgil busy, Roman went up and paid for the clothes, asking for a bag to put them in. After that was said and done he met up with the two other boys by the front door. </p>
<p>“Ready to run back to the car?” Roman asked. “First one in gets the first thumbprint cookie!”</p>
<p>“You’re so on!” Patton yelled. </p>
<p>The three of them ran out to the car as fast as they could without slipping. Virgil helped keep Patton from tripping, but only once as he ran past the youngest. In only a matter of seconds, all three of them were in the car and out of the rain.</p>
<p>“It’s not fair! Virgil, you have longer legs then Patton or I.” Roman complained teasingly as he started the car. </p>
<p>“Ivity, you’re taller than me. You can’t blame my legs for you being slow as a snail.” Virgil teased right back. </p>
<p>“That is not true!” Roman fired back. “You slouch, but I know for a fact that you’re taller than me. You’ve said so, Anx.”</p>
<p>Virgil felt a small blush and a smile creep onto his lips at Roman’s response. He didn’t think that he would remember that. Shaking it off, he fired something else back. Patton smiled, not really listening, as the two continued to tease one another. His heart grew and pulsed with happiness that despite everything, his kiddos were still able to be on good terms. </p>
<p>“Hey, Ro, how long until we get to the store?” Patton asked as soon as Roman passed over his already plugged-in phone. The two sitting in the front both had their hoods off at this point, while Virgil’s was still on. It was a coping mechanism at this point, considering the fact that he was in an unfamiliar place with half-unfamiliar people. </p>
<p>“About twenty minutes,” came Roman’s reply. It was met with a groan from Virgil and a squeal from Patton. What was with this bubbly, chubby boy’s squealing? Virgil leaded back in his seat as Roman asked, “Why?” </p>
<p>Patton did a small shimmy type of a dance in his seat before avidly beginning to search for a song on the phone. Roman put his seatbelt on, closely followed by a forgetful Patton and a reluctant Virgil. There was silence for a few moments as Patton searched, but halfway through the silence, Roman turned on the car engine. Almost immediately after doing so, Patton clicked on a song, and the sounds of a music box winding sounded through the car. Recognition lighted in the driver's eyes, confusion settling in Virgil’s. After a few seconds, the music box started playing a familiar tune, quickly followed by drums and a guitar.</p>
<p>“No…” Virgil said in exasperation as the vocals came in. “This is Extreme isn't it?” </p>
<p>“Hell yeah, it is!” Roman answered the one in the back as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Rise, rise and shine. A new day is coming!" he sang along with the song, drumming his fingers.</p>
<p>“Rise,” Patton sang the next lyric, his voice oddly soothing, but scratchy, unlike Roman’s soft baritone. “Rise in time–”</p>
<p>“For everything’s under the sun!” The two sang together in harmony, making eye contact and smiling widely at each other. Virgil tried to hide a smile as the two continued to sing along with the recording, opting to hide it by looking out the window. He was touched by the fact that the two were not only singing together, but by the fact that it was this particular Extreme song, Everything Under The Sun. </p>
<p>Flashes of memory hit his vision. His mother, with her same dark hair flying everywhere as she scream-sang <em>‘Am I ever going to change?’</em> very similarly to how Roman was singing it now. Him doing an air guitar at the electric guitar solo with his mom watching on lovingly, very similarly to how Patton was pretending to do now. And when the third part kicked in, Virgil and his mother would do air symbols together, pretending to be the source of the clashing sound with wide grins on their faces. With a twitch of his eye, Virgil found the pair upfront to be doing the same with large grins. The lone boy in the back wondered just where the time went. Yes, the time in the car to get to this point in the song, but also the time back to when his mother was still alive. Back when she still serenaded him as he tried to sleep with the first part of the song, ‘dream, Daniel, dream, for what’s yet to come...’ </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before he could comprehend it, the trio was pulling up to the grocery store, and the song was in its climax. Roman was singing at the top of his lungs, with Patton providing the background vocals, as they now attempted to find a parking spot. They pulled into a parking spot, the song coming to an abrupt but peaceful end as it switched back to a music box. Virgil sniffed as Roman put the car in park, now fully aware of the tears that were on his face at his reminiscing. He quickly used his sweater paws to wipe them off, but wasn’t quick enough.</p>
<p>“You okay there, querido?” Roman asked Virgil, sneakily calling him ‘dear’ in Spanish since Virgil didn’t speak that language. His breathing was slightly heavy for just singing for the past twenty minutes. Patton snickered, but also had a worried look on his face.</p>
<p>“Fine.” Virgil really was saying that a lot today.</p>
<p>“You sure?” Roman asked again, but was only met with a glare. There was sort of a pleading in Virgil’s eyes. “Did the song remind you of…?” he trailed off, not sure who to say.</p>
<p>“Remind me again why I would tell you that?” Virgil bit in his usual tone, unlocking his door as he did so. His face no longer held any evidence that he had teared up, but only uncomfort and that same grimace he always wore. </p>
<p>Roman nodded, assuming what he could out of that interaction as Virgil stepped out of the car. Now with only Patton and Roman in the car, the two shared a concerned look. Roman had a small idea of what could have just happened, but Patton had absolutely no clue. Roman wanted to tell Patton his thoughts, but knew it wasn’t his place. Plus it would only make Patton want to comfort Virgil more, and that would be an obvious sign that Roman told him. </p>
<p>“Give him time to open up to you, Pat. He’s still not completely open with me.” Roman gave Patton’s hand a gentle squeeze before getting out of the car. </p>
<p>Patton followed suit and the two walked into the store. Virgil was waiting just inside of the building for them, considering he had no idea why they were there. He could only theorize that it was probably for the cookies or lunch. The youngest boy smiled at him as he grabbed a handbasket, and started skipping to the jam aisle. </p>
<p>Did he really just skip through the store? Virgil thought to himself as he followed behind with Roman. Though I’m not sure why you surprised, dumbass. He’s always so peppy. “Is there anything we need for lunch, Princey?”</p>
<p>“Probably some sauce, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance. I have pasta and hamburger meat.” </p>
<p>“I can go get that.” Virgil offered, putting his hands in his pockets and hunching over. He was getting a few stares, most likely because of his all-black attire while standing next to Roman, who was the definition of pep.</p>
<p>“Nonsense. We’ll all go together. Besides, we need your opinion on a jam for the cookies.” He said as the two finally caught up with Patton. </p>
<p>“I got you the Morello Cherry and the Wild Blueberry you wanted, Ro, as well as the Pomegranate.” Patton said showing the basket to the others. “Anything you want Virgil?”</p>
<p>“Um….I-uh. I really liked the strawberry one. But you don’t have to buy a jar just for me.”</p>
<p>“It’s for all of us. Plus I think Roman might eat what’s left of the one he has before we finish the dough for the cookies.” Patton grabbed the Strawberry Crofters as well. “All I need is some powdered sugar, and I have everything we need for the cookies.”</p>
<p>“Sounds good, Pat. We need some sauce for the pasta too.” Roman said as the trio walked to the isle with the sugar. </p>
<p>“Do you have cumin at home?” Virgil asked low, almost too low for Roman to hear. </p>
<p>“Cumin? Not sure. We’ll pick some up, though. The spices are down the same aisle as the sugar.” </p>
<p>The three boys grabbed the last items needed–as well as some sodas–before going to check out. Virgil grabbed the bags when they were ready, despite the protest of his injured arm carrying the lightest bag. Patton wanted to argue that he could help carry some, but the look on Virgil’s face stopped him. Instead, Patton chose to bite the inside of his lip and walk out with the others. </p>
<p>They got situated back into the car. Roman once again handed the phone to Patton so he could pick some music. Virgil went back to looking out the window as Roman started up the car. To Virgil’s surprise, Patton played some classic P!ATD. He was expecting the bubbly boy to only be interested in the newer music or I Write Sins Not Tragedies. </p>
<p>Despite his desire to remain distant and cold, he couldn’t help but softly sing along. Roman and Patton sent each other a secret smile, glad that the dark boy was opening up to them, even a little bit. When Roman pulled up to his house, he waited until the song finished before turning his car off. </p>
<p>“Welcome home, my subjects!” He announced with a sweeping arm gesture as he got out of the car. Virgil rolled his eyes as Patton giggled. </p>
<p>“Thank you, my lord.” Patton said with a slight bow. </p>
<p>Each grabbed a couple bags and headed inside. They put the bags down on the kitchen counter before going back to the entryway to take off their damp shoes and jackets. Virgil, on the other hand, kept his jacket on, even though it probably was soaked to the bone. Neither Roman or Patton said anything.</p>
<p>“Hey, Virgil?” Patton greeted after he and Roman came back to the kitchen from putting the bags of clothes in Roman’s room. </p>
<p>“Yeah?” the boy sitting on the counter responded as he quickly pulled down his sleeve. The movement was worrying, but neither of the onlookers questioned it.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna do lunch or cookies first?” Roman asked instead, moving to the grocery bags.</p>
<p>“Lunch,” Virgil said quickly before taking a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m just… hungry.” And I want to pay you back for what you did. You didn’t have to show me any kindness. </p>
<p>“Alright,” Patton smiled widely. “Can I help you with it?”</p>
<p>“Um… actually. I prefer to cook alone… If that’s okay.” Virgil slipped off of the counter to slink over to where Roman was sorting through the groceries. </p>
<p>“No problem! We can help you get everything you need out, and let you do your magic.” Patton moved toward Roman as well, who shared a smile with both of his guests.</p>
<p>Roman and Patton helped get the things Virgil needed, considering that he wasn’t familiar with the kitchen. When they’re both sure that he had everything he needed, they headed back to Roman’s room. Patton had told Virgil he wanted to see what Roman bought, but really they were going to take the tags off of the clothes for Virgil to make sure he couldn’t try and return them. An ulterior motive was for Patton to comfort and question Roman about the song that he wrote and performed the night prior.</p>
<p>Virgil got to work in the kitchen cooking the spaghetti. He made some meatballs from the ground beef that Roman gave him and used some of the loose leftovers in the sauce. He also managed to find some mozzarella in the fridge, so he made sure to put that in the center of them. Then, he got a large pot and began to boil water for the noodles. When those were cooking, along with the marinara sauce that he was also making from scratch as well, it was time to start the homemade garlic bread. It was easy, mostly because it was just toast with garlic on it. It was something he always made for his mother, and one his father frequently demanded, so he knew the recipe by heart. Virgil felt he had to do everything he could to pay Patton back. Nothing was too much work at this point. Once everything was ready, he grabbed three plates and three forks and set them on the counter, then proceeded to climb the stairs to go to knock on Roman’s door. </p>
<p>“Doing good, Virgil?” Roman poked his head out, not wanting Virgil to see the excess dark clothes since the two were still finishing up with the tags.</p>
<p>Virgil gave a slightly shaky nod before saying, “Lunch is ready when you two are.”</p>
<p>“We’ll be right out.” Roman smiled at Virgil for a moment before shutting the door again.</p>
<p>“Okay.” Virgil went back to the kitchen to wait. He felt bad for using so much of Roman’s food, but he felt he had to properly pay Patton back. Not only Patton, as he hadn’t fully paid Roman back yet for what he did for him last night, no matter what the older may say. Now he just had to wait to see if they liked it. The two boys came downstairs fairly quickly, and Patton’s eyes widened at the sight of the meatballs in the sauce. </p>
<p>“You made meatballs too?” Virgil gave another jerky nod. “I love meatballs!”</p>
<p>“I’m… glad. They have mozzarella inside.” Virgil pushed the plated filled with spaghetti and bread towards the two boys who were now sitting down at the stools at the breakfast bar.</p>
<p>“I’ve never had them like that. This is going to be amazing, Virgil!” Patton took the plate that Virgil put together for him happily, readying his fork.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Virge.” The gratitude was clear in Roman’s voice after noticing it had less on it than Patton’s.</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.” Virgil plated his up last before joining the others on the stools. </p>
<p>“This is really amazing, Virgil!” Patton said after swallowing his mouthful of food. “The cheese in the meatballs is awesome, and the sauce is extra amazing. I need to start using cumin in mine. I guess.”</p>
<p>Virgil looked away to try and hide his blush, but both boys saw it. “My mother’s secret. Well, actually my grandpa’s, but my mother taught me. You don’t need a lot of it, but it gives it a little more flavor.”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s an amazing addition.” Patton lifted his fork to Virgil in cheers before taking another bite.</p>
<p>Roman hesitantly took a small bite of his own. How the heckity heck can Virgil cook this good?! “I agree with Patton. This is really good.” he mumbled, mouth still full of pasta.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you both like it.” Virgil mumbled as he took another bite of food.</p>
<p>The trio ate mostly in silence. Patton went to get seconds, eventually, with a large smile on his face. To Virgil’s surprise and delight, Roman ate most of what was on his plate. When Virgil finished, he put his plate in the sink, then got to looking for some Tupperware to put the leftovers in. Roman got up and helped him before he made much headway.</p>
<p>“I’ll clean this up.” Virgil said as he gestured to the mess of dishes he made. </p>
<p>“I’ll do it after we make the dough for the cookies, Virgil,” Roman assured him. Seeing Virgil was about to argue, Roman added. “Unless you want me to give you some more brightly colored PJs to sleep in tonight. Maybe with some glitter on them.”</p>
<p>“You’re a horrible, vicious person, Prince.” Virgil retorted but he gave a sly smile that Roman knew meant he was being teased. </p>
<p>“Now, kiddos, if you two keep fighting, I’ll just have to eat all the cookies myself.” Patton teased as he put his plate into the sink as well.</p>
<p>“Noooo....!” Roman whined then pouted adorably at the father figure of the group. </p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help the slight snort of laughter that escaped his lips. Patton smiled brighter than before at the joy he felt from Virgil showing joy. Roman sighed dramatically, but smiled as well as he got some of the items out to make the cookies. Patton helped him grab what they needed as Virgil made sure to organize them on the island. Patton then grabbed himself and the others aprons, then made everyone wash their hands.</p>
<p>“You don’t need a recipe for the cookies, Patton?” Virgil asked the youngest as he was given an apron.</p>
<p>“Nope!” He replied, popping the ‘p’. “I’ve made it so many times I have it all in my head. Like you do with your yummy pasta.”</p>
<p>“Fair point.” Virgil did a frown smile and handed Patton some ingredients. </p>
<p>Patton rolled up his sleeves and started to mix the butter, sugar and egg yolks together by hand before wiping his hands on his apron. He then used the hand mixer to combine them the rest of the way. Virgil added the flour slowly when he was asked. Roman added in the vanilla, the poppy seeds, and the pinch of salt. </p>
<p>“Hey, Patton?” Virgil’s voice was low, but not menacingly. Patton didn’t know just how he was able to do that, but made a humming sound in confirmation that he was ready for the question. Virgil continued after he did so with, “Why did you use your hands at first?”</p>
<p>“I’ve had a lot of sticks of butter go flying away from me when I didn’t. I guess you can say it wanted to be a butterfly!” Patton smiled proudly at his pun. “I was still finding some sugar it took with it a day later. So, I break up the butter by hand so there’s less to go flying away if it does.”</p>
<p>“Oh. That’s one way to keep that from happening.” Virgil suddenly became acutely aware how close he was now standing to Patton. He moved over a bit, hiding his movement as switching his weight to another foot. Patton didn’t notice, but Roman did, who was standing on the other side of the baker.</p>
<p>“Plus it’s fun to get your hands in there,” He took a taste of the dough off the mixer. He made a sound pleasure in the back of his throat before handing one mixer to Roman and one to Virgil. </p>
<p>“You take mine, Pat. I’m saving room for the finished cookies. With Crofters.” Roman smiled, but Virgil cocked an eyebrow at him in disbelief. Roman shot back a look, silently saying that he did actually want to have more room for cookies. </p>
<p>“Alright, Ro.” Patton said instead, turning around to give Virgil the other mixer and missing Roman’s second look.</p>
<p>Virgil took the other one with slight hesitation, and licked a bit of the batter. It was ten times better than any batter he ever made. It wasn’t lumpy or gritty; it was smooth and balanced. It had some flavor, but not too much that it would overpower the jam. </p>
<p>“This is really good.” Virgil almost hummed, his mouth twitching upwards. It was the closest he’d gotten to a smile yet.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you like it, but now it’s the fun part. We’re going to make the dough balls! Time to get our hands dirty.” Patton took out a small amount to show Virgil about how big to make them. </p>
<p>Virgil followed suit but got a little bit too much. “Like this?”</p>
<p>“A little bit less. If they’re too big there won’t be enough Crofters in them.” Roman chimed in before Patton could speak, pointing to the one’s Patton’s done.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Virgil took a little bit off so it was closer in size to Patton’s. “Better?”</p>
<p>“That’s perfect, kiddo! Now just roll it into a ball and put it on the tray, like this.” Patton instructed as he put another one of his dough balls on the oiled cookie sheet.</p>
<p>Roman slipped away to do the dishes, letting the two have a nice bonding moment. He was glad that Virgil opened up to Patton enough to do this with him without too much scowling or anxiety. </p>
<p>“Roman, while you’re over there, can you set the oven to 300 degrees?” Patton called to his best friend. </p>
<p>“Wait. He knows how to work an oven?” Virgil teased as Roman turned on the oven to the desired degree.</p>
<p>“Excuse you! I know how to work every appliance here, thank you very much. And I won’t burn down the house either for your information.” Roman made a fake offended pose for added effect. </p>
<p>“Good, because I don’t have the number for the fire department memorized,” Both of the guests couldn’t help but laugh at the offended noises Roman was making. Virgil rolled his eyes afterward, considering that the fire department could be reached through the generic 911. “Virgil, do you wanna help me put the tray in the oven?” Patton asked when he heard the oven beep after a while of making balls of dough.</p>
<p>“Uh. Sure.” Virgil agreed as both walked to the oven and Roman moved back to the dishes in the sink. Virgil opened the door for Patton to put them in. With the light of the oven, Virgil noticed faint markings on Patton’s arms. Most people wouldn’t have noticed them at all, but it was something Virgil knew very well. He waited until Patton’s arm was clear of the oven so he wouldn’t burn the other man before grabbing his arm.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. eighteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: swearing, graphic panic attack, talk of parental abuse, talk of attempt at murder, body image issues, implied eating disorder, nightmares</p>
<p>seriously warning virgil has a very bad very extreme panic attack</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman shut the door as he kicked off his shoes after walking out to Patton’s car with him to make sure he got in alright. As he did so, he couldn’t help but smile up at Virgil, who still stood waiting in the kitchen. Pride was bubbling in his chest. His best friend and Virgil got along better than he could’ve hoped. His mind was about to call Virgil his ‘good friend’, but something didn’t sit right with that. Virgil was more than that, but Roman didn’t really know what was more about him.</p>
<p>Virgil put down his still charging phone, sighed, and followed Roman to the living room before flopping on the couch. “That was exhausting.”</p>
<p>“What was?” Roman asked, sitting next to the lanky boy. </p>
<p>“The whole day. I think even without getting Extreme Dad Mode, as you call it, it would’ve been tiring. He’s just this huge ball of energy that doesn’t stop.” Despite saying how exhausted he was, there was a fond smile tugging on Virgil’s lips. </p>
<p>“He’s an amazing friend. And I’m really glad you two got along.” Roman splayed himself out on the couch, grabbing the remote to turn on the TV. </p>
<p>“Honestly, Princey? I’m glad we did too.” A yawn left Virgil’s mouth, which made Roman avert his gaze from the dark TV to his company.</p>
<p>“Tired?” He asked to make Virgil look over at him instead of down at the floor.</p>
<p>“I guess so.” Virgil turned his head and promptly died on the inside. Roman’s legs were spread in a mansplanting position, arms draping over the back of the couch, and his neck was exposed from being turned toward Virgil. He looked absolutely amazing handsome, and Virgil cursed himself for blushing. Roman’s chest, arms, neck, and crotch were just too much for Virgil’s heart to handle. </p>
<p>“Why don’t we get you to bed? It’s been a long day for the both of us.” Roman noticed the small blush on Virgil’s face, but didn’t shift his position. The brush of color on Virgil was actually very adorable.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sounds good.” Virgil stood up rather quickly. He didn’t know what he was thinking. Roman was <em>Roman</em>. Even though he isn't as straight as Virgil once thought, he still was way out of Virgil’s league. Not to mention the fact that their friendship is still very uncertain. <em>Feelings</em> would get in the way of that.</p>
<p>Roman got up and put down the TV controller. He couldn’t help but think that Virgil was just checking him out, and it honestly made him feel a weird bubbling emotion in his gut. Virgil looked quite exquisite when he was blushing, yes, and even more so when Roman was the cause. Princey shook his head, trying to clear those thoughts. After they stopped to grab their phones in the kitchen, Roman led Virgil back into his older brother’s old room. “I put your clothes in the closet. And the PJs you borrowed yesterday are in there too.” </p>
<p>“Thanks.” Virgil looked around for a moment, remembering this as the room he was supposed to sleep in the night prior. He gave a small grin to Roman, one meant to just be a quick twitch upwards of the lips. Instead, it turned into a genuinely fond smile. It was still small, but it made Roman return one of his own. Not wanting to overstay his bounds in his guest’s room, he walked out, closing the door behind him to give Virgil some privacy. </p>
<p>Virgil sighed, moving toward the unmade bed to sit for a few minutes. <em>I fucking hate that I’m a charity case here.</em> He started to think as he surveyed the grey and pink room. <em>At least it’s somewhere I feel safe.</em> Virgil took a deep breath, scrunching some of the soft pink coloured comforter. In an attempt to prevent his mind from spiraling farther, he pushed himself off the grey framed bed toward the closet. When he opened the grey sliding door, he groaned.</p>
<p>“You have got to be fucking kidding me…” Virgil quickly changed into the PJs waiting for him nonetheless, wincing slightly when the shirt went over his bandaged wound. Once that was done, he found his way to outside of Roman’s bedroom. He knocked, companying that with a small, “Ivity?”</p>
<p>“One second!” A moment later Roman opened the door, clad in a large faded salmon t-shirt and the same bottoms as the night before. “What’s up, Jack Scarrington?”</p>
<p>“Where did all the clothes in there come from?” Virgil crossed his arms in an attempt to seem more threatening.</p>
<p>“The thrift store.” Roman wasn’t even fazed by the threatening stance of Virgil. He probably should have been, but that’s beside the point.</p>
<p>“No shit. I knew that much,” Virgil gave him a half glare, but he wasn’t able to give a full one. Roman just looked a bit too adorable with his tired eyes and oversized shirt. “I looked at a few of them there. How did they get here?”</p>
<p>“I picked them up. You needed more than three shirts and two pants.” Roman scratched the back of his head, which made Virgil internally curse himself again. Roman needed to stop. </p>
<p>“I’m not a charity case, Princey.” Virgil hardened his glare, fueled by the insufferable fact that a tired Roman was a cute Roman.</p>
<p>“I know you’re not. If you want you can teach me how to make breakfast tomorrow to return the favor.” Roman cracked a small smile, which in turn cracked a small piece off of Virgil’s glare.</p>
<p>“Hardly the same thing.”</p>
<p>“Virgil, I wanted to make sure you had enough clothes for a little bit. And it was Patton’s suggestion. He was worried about it too.”</p>
<p>Virgil just shook his head and removed his gaze from Roman. “Just… don’t make a habit out of it. I’m not staying here for you to pay for everything.”</p>
<p>“I know that. If it bugs you that much we can work something out later. Right now I think both of us would like to head to bed.” Roman let loose a yawn mid-sentence that he couldn’t suppress for added effect.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Virgil shifted his weight before looking back at Roman. “Talk to you in the morning, Prince.”</p>
<p>“Sleep well, Sanders.” Roman used Virgil’s last name as well before closing the door to his bedroom.</p>
<p>Virgil walked back into the room he was sleeping in, but decided to look in the dresser drawers out of curiosity and the fact that he wasn’t that tired yet. There wasn’t a lot of items of interest: an iPhone charger, an old baseball card, a puka shell necklace that had broken, and three differing sized but identical green and brown bracelets. However, there was one thing that caught his attention. An older pair of grey headphones, ones that appeared to be noise cancelling. </p>
<p>Hoping that Roman’s brother wouldn’t mind, Virgil grabbed the headphones–and the charger–and sat on the bed again. He plugged both of them into his phone, a sigh of relief leaving his mouth when the charger worked. Then, Virgil put on a Fall Out Boy song to test how well the headphones worked. He was pleasantly surprised to know that they sounded like they were brand new. He quickly pulled up YouTube and Roman’s new song. He wanted to listen to it properly. He definitely didn’t just want to listen to Roman’s voice. Obviously not. </p>
<p>Getting comfortable under the covers, Virgil pressed play on the video. As he listened to the song and the pure emotion that was poured into it, his eyes fluttered shut. For some reason, after the first play through, Virgil decided to play it on a loop. After about the fourth time through, he started to drift into a peaceful sleep with a smile on his face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Virgil woke up from the sun shining in his face, <em>Psychic<em> still softly playing through the headphones that had long since shifted off his head. Groaning, he rolled over and grabbed his phone to check the time. It was fairly early, just before eight in the morning. This caused Virgil to groan again and throw his arm over his eyes. </em></em></p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Why so fucking early? Virgil lamented to himself. No person in their right mind is up this fucking early. Unfortunately, nothing Virgil tried would allow himself to fall back asleep. After about half an hour of trying he threw the covers off in frustration. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He stumbled out of the bedroom and was greeted by the smell of coffee. Roman, who had noticeably wet hair, was grabbing a mug out of the cabinet when Virgil walked in. “Good morning, gothlight!” Virgil vaguely groaned in answer. “Not a morning person I take it. Perhaps a cup of coffee will help,” Roman was answered in a groan again, but this one sounded like conformation. “I’ll pour you one too.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil flopped in a chair as Roman poured two cups of coffee. He brought them over to the table before returning to the kitchen to pull out some vanilla creamer, milk, and sugar since he wasn’t sure how Virgil preferred to drink his coffee. Roman set all three items down on the table before settling into a seat himself. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman poured some of the vanilla creamer in his coffee as Virgil drank his black. The duo stayed silent while they enjoyed their morning drinks. Virgil stood and poured himself another cup followed by a third shortly after. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The third cup seemed to wake Virgil up enough to speak. “‘Morning, Ivity.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He does speak.” Roman teased with a grin on his face. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil just flipped him off. “What do you want for breakfast?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Not sure.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Well think about it. I’m going to go change out of these baggy pants.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Alright.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman watched Virgil leave. He stood and looked in the fridge and pantry for what would be easy. He decided on making waffles from a box mix, as it was convenient and easy. When Virgil returned with slightly better-smelling breath, Roman held up the box. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I was thinking we could do waffles.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Ya know we could do them from scratch right?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’m aware, but I want this to be something I can do if I need to.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Alright. Let me see that.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He took the box from the older boy and read what they needed. Virgil tasked Roman with getting the waffle iron out as well as a bowl and hand mixer. While Roman was gathering those items, Virgil grabbed three eggs and the oil out. Step by step Virgil walked Roman through how to make the batter and pour them into the waffle iron. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The first one came out a little burnt. “It’s okay, Creativity. Now you know not as long.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman tried again. It took him four more tries before one came out correctly. He was so excited when it did he bounced up and down like Patton. Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle, a blush almost overtaking his cheeks as well as his ears. After he was sure Roman wouldn’t burn anything, he got to work on cutting up some fruit to have with it. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Once breakfast was complete, the two ate in silence. Roman–once again–didn’t finish his plate, but it was a few more bites than the day before. Virgil counted it as a victory. During clean up, the two decided to just have a calm relaxing day watching Disney movies after the excitement of the day prior. Some time later, Virgil felt his phone vibrate with Logan’s specific rhythm during a playful debate with Roman over which character in Moana was the best.  </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil removed his gaze from Roman to look down at his phone. The smile he wore dropped from his face in an instant, all the color draining away as well. It was after five in the evening. <em>Fuck fuck shit. Fuck!</em> Virgil’s mind started as his eyes widened. <em>I’m going to get killed. I have to go back. But he might kill me if I go back. Fuck.</em> Virgil didn’t check the text. All he could think about was fear, paralyzing fear. His body was going into overdrive, panic spreading from his heart to every inch of his body</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Virgil? Virgil, are you okay?” Roman asked with his words dripping with concern. He didn’t understand why Virgil suddenly looked so pale, or why he was now shaking.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil shook his head, mind and mouth not cooperating, despite the name repeat slicing through his muddling thoughts. He scrambled to move from where he was sitting on the couch, standing quickly and pocketing his phone. He was looking frantically from side to side, as if wondering where something was. It was painfully clear that whatever was causing the dark boy to panic was worse than his hospital fear. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Hey, hey. Stop for a second. Please?” Roman stood almost as quickly as Virgil did, worry clear on his face. Virgil stopped in his frantic movements, but his body still shook violently. It looked as though he was holding back sobs. “Talk to me. I want to try and help you.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I gotta go- I gotta go home,” The only emotion in Virgil’s voice were clear fear. Panic. The dark eyes as big as saucers threatened to drop a few tears. “I’ve been gone for, for too <em>long</em>.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Virgil, why don’t we breathe together? Then you can explain what is going on.” Roman took two half steps toward the shaking boy in an attempt to get closer.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“No, no time. I gotta- gotta, I gotta- go,” Virgil breathed half of a shaky breath before forcing it out in his next breathy words, “He’s gonna be, he’s gonna... upset.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You came here with a cut from a knife from your house, Virgil. There is no way in hell I’m going to let you go back there. I don’t know what else he might do and I’m not going to lose you. You mean too much to me to let that happen.” Roman took another step forward, trying his best not to agitate the panicking boy more than he already was.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Tears fell down Virgil’s cheek, which made the boy break out of his staring daze for Roman. He didn’t know if they were from fear at what his father might do, or from joy at hearing Roman say he meant a lot to him. Without much of a choice, Virgil’s unsteady legs gave out from underneath him, throwing him into Roman’s arms. Roman stiffened at the contact, but tried to hold Virgil up anyways. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>He’s going to know you’ve eaten too much. You should have gone back to purging after you’ve eaten. Roman, you fucking idiot! All the hard work he put into helping you he’ll see has gone to waste. You’re not thin. Nothing but a flabby excuse of a boy. No muscles or abs, and he’s going to feel all of your rolls because of that. Those cookies that Patton made? And all the food Virgil cooked? It didn’t help any of this.</em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>After several moments of those thoughts as Virgil shook in his arms, Roman realized something. Virgil was panicking to the extreme, and probably didn’t even have a fleeting thought about his body type. Right now, Virgil was probably worried for himself. Roman lowered Virgil to the ground, sitting himself and the panicking one down. Roman’s back was against the couch while Virgil was collapsed on his lap.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’m not going to let you get hurt, Virgil. Not as long as there’s anything I can do about it.” Roman tried to reassure, but Virgil kept shaking his head violently.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>A particularly violent sob pushed itself out of Virgil’s mouth. At this point, the boy was in pieces. He was sobbing, shaking, crying, with fear amplifying all his senses into flight mode. He had so much adrenaline in his heart that he felt as though he were dying. Thoughts bounced around his head so quickly that he couldn’t latch onto one for long enough to expand it. Instead, several half-formed thoughts started to stutter out of Virgil’s mouth with little to no explanation.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“P-punish….punishment will be worse. Need-ne-need to go- to go home. Thr-three, three days gone and, and, an-an-and he’ll.. he’ll…” Roman opened his mouth to say something of comfort, but Virgil continued to stutter things out.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I-I got, I got so, so <em>scared.</em> I moved but, but, but would’ve got- gotten hurt worse.. just a deep cut on arm.” Virgil placed his hand on Roman’s chest, jabbing at it harder than he thought he was. His mind was swarmed with panic, his eyes with tears, that he didn’t realize just what he was doing. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman resorted to letting Virgil spew his words. He keep his own breathing in the rhythm that Virgil taught him, just in case the younger was watching his breath as he pounded his finger into his chest. There also was the reason that Roman himself had started to freak out, but Virgil took more precedence. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“A-aim-aiming for my f-fu-fuck-ucking <em>chest,</em> Prin-Princey,” Virgil sobbed again. He stopped the movement of his hand and grabbed Roman’s shirt instead before burying his face in it as if he were hiding. “He was, he was try-trying to k-kill-kill <em>me</em>. I turned a-an-and put my arms, my arms up and that’s, that’s the, <em>the fucking only reason it was my arm and not my heart</em>. I pushed, I pushed h-im and ra-ran, ran.. He’s going to be <em>so fukcing pissed that I pushed him</em>.” Virgil pushed the words out, choking on some and stuttering, while others he talked too fast on. He was still shaking, so much, as the fear he felt pushed him to tell Roman everything. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman almost stopped breathing at the shock that he felt rush through his body upon processing the information. He was also even more scared for his friend than he was before. No one should have to be attacked like that, even more so in their own home. The fact that Virgil was more worried about his father being upset for being pushed than for his own life spoke volumes to the kind of abuse Virgil went through. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Fuck him,” Roman said coldly, causing Virgil to look at him in surprise. Roman was surprised at how calm he sounded considering he was terrified for his friend. “I’m definitely not letting you go back there now. You’ll be safe here. He tried to kill you Virgil; he’s.. he’s worse than toxic, worse than abusive….” Roman caused himself to stop his rant short when he noticed that the younger boy was still shaking. Violently might he add. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how he could push more words out of his mouth, but he needed to. For Roman. He needed to let Roman know that he couldn’t just say ‘screw my dad!’ like some preteen runaway who comes back home for dinner. The next attempt at his talking came out in a weak mumble, which peaked Roman’s concern again.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Hey…” He said softer as he gently pulled Virgil more onto his lap. “Breathe with me, Virge. We’re both going to calm down okay? Now, in for four. You’re doing great. Hold for seven. And now out for eight.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil struggled to follow the breathing for the first few times. His heartbeat was still rampant, and the frequent sobs kept him from breathing properly. Roman kept encouraging him and counting out the breaths despite this. Even with that, it took several minutes before Virgil could take in a full breath instead of only half of one. Roman was patient though, rubbing the other’s back and breathing with him. He cooed and shushed him frequently, sometimes saying small “I’m here”s and “You’re safe”s. At one point, Roman began singing a soft song in Spanish that seemed to help calm Virgil down some more. Roman was still full of fear for his friend, but he was able to rein it back in during the breathing exercise and the attempts at comfort.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I will never let him hurt you again, Virgil.” Roman said with full volume after the worst of the shaking had passed. “I swear to you as a Prince. He’ll have to go through me first. You’re safe here, and I won’t let anything happen to you.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I don’t want him to hurt <em>you</em>, Princey.” Virgil’s voice was incredibly small, but at the very least he wasn’t stuttering anymore. “That’s why I have to go back. Not for me. Never for me. He’ll come… He’ll come after you and hurt you. I can’t let him hurt you…. You mean too much to me. He’ll hurt you to get back at me, and I’d never forgive myself for that.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He won’t hurt me. And he won’t hurt you either.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You don’t know that, damn it!” Virgil yelled, pushing himself slightly off Roman. The shaking was coming back and his voice was getting deeper as the panic became worse. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman didn’t flinch when the other raised his voice but he was confused as to why his voice lowered over an octave. “Yes I do. Because you’re not going back there for him to find out who to go after. He just… pulled a knife on you. I highly doubt he cares enough to find out who your friends are. He won’t know where to start looking for you.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He’ll find out! He always figures things out. He’s going to come here and hurt you if I don’t go home.” Virgil’s breath was becoming scattered again. It was clear it was getting harder and harder to get breaths in.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Virgil, keep breathing. I know you’re scared, but I’m here for you. So is Patton and Logan. Both are just a call away, and I know both would want to keep you safe no matter what.” Roman pulled the younger back onto his chest. Virgil did so with no resistance.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He almost hurt Logan,” Virgil mumbled into Roman’s chest. “He… he didn’t because I... I let him do whatever he wanted to me without leaving to get help. He was going to hurt Logan. He found out, and he was going to hurt him. I have to.. I have to save you too. You don’t deserve it, you don’t. You don’t.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“And you’re saying you do? Because you don’t, Virgil,” Roman ever so slightly tightened his grip on the boy in his arms. “And you never will.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Several moments of silence passed, the only sound in the living room being their breathing and the occasional vibration of a phone. Roman continued to hold Virgil in his arms until his breathing started to even. It was a blessing, but also a curse. That meant that Virgil would soon not want to be cuddling with him, which was a sad thought.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Virgil?” The boy in question lifted his head to look at Roman with a hum of confirmation. “Did it trigger you when you had to use the kitchen knife to cut the… whatever you cut up?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The silence he received was almost confirmation enough. “I mean, at the beginning…” Virgil trailed off again, his words slow and sloppy on his tongue. His eyes were starting to droop, as if he was beginning to have a hard time with keeping them open.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Virgil, do I have permission to carry you to bed?” The elder asked concerned for the now tired boy in his arms. He was met with a low hum which he interpreted as a ‘yes.’ </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman very gently picked the young emo in his arms. He couldn’t help but notice how easy that was. It was clear that Virgil was even more skinny than he looked, which only made Roman worry more. On the walk from the living room to his older brother’s old bedroom, Virgil snuggled close to Roman before falling asleep. Gently Roman sat on the bed and laid Virgil down, covering him up with the comforter, hoping the weight from it would act as a little bit of security. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>After about fifteen minutes of Virgil’s even breathing and occasional snore, Roman carefully removed himself from the bed, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. He quietly padded out of the room, closing the door most of the way before walking back into the living room. Roman picked up his phone, determination clear in his mind. Logan had to know about what happened to Virgil, and Roman needed to know if his life had been threatened before. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Once he opened his phone he realized he didn’t have Logan’s number. Knowing how important it was to get a hold of him, Roman sent a quick text to Patton. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Prince Roman: Hey Pat. Could I have Logan’s number? It’s important that I talk to him.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: Sure thing kiddo!</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman was putting the number in his contacts when another text came in.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: Is everything ok? Is it about my dark strange son?</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Prince Roman: No. Everything is not ok. I’ll explain it to you after I talk to Logan.<br/>Or maybe Logan can explain it. I’m not entirely sure if I can say it more than once. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: If you want me to come over I will!</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Prince Roman: Let me make the call first. I’ll let you know. Thanks Pat.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: Of course!</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman smiled at Patton’s text for a moment before going back into his contacts. His finger pushed the call button next to Logan’s number. Then he waited. When Roman got Logan’s voicemail he hung up frustrated. “I swear Calculator Watch if you don’t answer I will kick your ass.” He dialed it again. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>This time the older boy answered on the final ring. “Hello?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Oh thank God. Logan. It’s Roman.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Salutations Roman. I apologize for not answering you the first time. I did not have your number.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“It’s okay, but I’m really glad you answered.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan noticed the slight urgency in Roman’s voice. “Is Virgil alright?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He’s safe here. But that’s what I want to talk to you about. I know you spoke to him the night he came here. What did he tell you?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman could hear Logan walking. “Give me one moment,” Logan hurried down the hall to his room and walked in, closing the door and locking it. “My apologies again. I was in the common room and would rather not have everyone else hear.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Understandable.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He told me that he stood up to his father. He also told me that it happened really fast, or really slow. Which to me is a sign that his fight or flight was working at maximum capacity to keep him safe. And he told me that he turned and the blade went deeper in his arm.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That’s all he told you?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Yes? Why do you ask?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Because that’s not all that happened.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman heard Logan sit on his bed by the springs squeaking slightly. “What do you mean?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. “Everything he told you happened, but he didn’t tell you why he turned.” He bit his lip, not sure how to continue. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Roman?” Logan asked after a moment. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em><em>Okay, Roman. You just gotta spit it out. Rip it off like a band-aid</em>. “He turned to avoid the knife going into his chest.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>There was silence on the other end of the line. It was broken by a soft, “Holy fuck.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Understatement of the year there, buddy.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“How did you find out about this, Roman?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He told me in the middle of a panic attack. It’s was the worst one I’ve seen him have. Like he had a pretty bad one over the hospital thing but this was far worse. He told me that his father was trying to <em>kill him</em>. And that he had to go back today because he was gone too long. He also told me that his father tried to go after you for helping Virgil but he didn’t because Virgil let him do whatever he wanted to him instead. So he’s terrified of what his father will do to me. He can’t go back to that hell hole. I won’t let him.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman took a deep breath. He didn’t expect to ramble quite as much but it was all things that needed to be said. Now he just had to wait to hear what Logan had to say. It took a few minutes, however, before the eldest spoke again. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That son of a bitch needs to be in jail.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I know. But I don’t know if just me and Virgil will be quite enough. Logan, he needs you here too. You’re good at the logical talking. You could probably talk Virgil into going to the police better than Patton or I could. I know you just got to college and everything but this is really important.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I never thought I’d say this, but college can wait. Where’s Virgil now?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Sound asleep. He’s even snoring a little. I think the attack really wore him out.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“They have a tendency to do that. I’ll get things together on my end here. I should be in town by tomorrow evening.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Thank you Logan. I need... to know something, though.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Alright?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Do you know if his father’s ever tried to hurt him like that before?” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan pondered for a moment, searching his mind for memories. “The worst I recall were a few deep cuts and a broken rib. But he’s never said anything of an actual attempt on his life.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Do… you think you could make a list of everything you recall Virgil coming to you with?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I have already compiled a list. With the dates and what I did to help fix them.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman couldn’t help but chuckle. “Why does that not surprise me, Lo-CD?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I wouldn’t tease me over something so critical.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Touche. Honestly I’m just really glad that you kept notes. They will help give a timeline of how long others have known about the abuse as well as the messages between me and him.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I would write all of that down as well. When you two first starting speaking over messages, and any texts or calls you made to one another, that is.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That’ll take a long time, but I’ll get started. I’ll make notes of any important messages as well.” Roman found himself searching through old notebooks to find an empty one in his room shortly after he finished his sentence. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“The time spent will be well worth it, Roman.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I know it will be,” Roman walked back out into the living room with the notebook and pen in hand. “Would you do me one more thing?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I will do what I can.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Could you let Patton know what’s going on? I had to get your number from him but I don’t know if I can say it again. And Virgil trusts him. They had an amazing heart to heart yesterday.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan hated going behind his honorary brother’s back, but knew Patton would worry himself sick if he didn’t get told. “I will. Let me gather the information I need here and I will give him a call.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Thank you, Logan. I honestly owe you one.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You’re keeping Virgil safe in my absence. We’re pretty even.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“See you tomorrow, nerd.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Until then, prep.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman chuckled at the nickname and hung up. He quickly got to work on finding dates and times of any phone calls they made as well as when they first started speaking. Unbeknownst to Roman, Logan was putting together all of the paperwork into a folder as well. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan opened his computer and began looking up flights. After he had searched for a while, calming himself down, he figured it would be a good time to call Patton. However, it took him a few moments with his finger hovering over the call button before he pressed it. His guilt for speaking about Virgil’s trauma was weighing heavily on him, but it was something Patton would find out eventually. It would be better if it was from someone close. Plus Patton would be extremely upset if he didn’t find out until the trial that was bound to happen. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan only had to wait a moment before the younger picked up. “Hey Lo!” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Salutations Patton. How are you?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’m alright! A little worried though. Roman text me asking for your number.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I am aware. He called me. We just got off the phone approximately fifteen minutes ago.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Oh. I’m glad you two got to talk.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“As am I. And that’s part of the reason I called you.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“It is?” Patton sat up from laying on his bed. He knew that whatever Logan was going to say was important.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Yes. I am flying back tomorrow. I’m looking for a flight now.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“It’s something that bad?” Concern was clear in the younger’s voice. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“It’s that bad I’m afraid. Are you sitting?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Yeah?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Good. What I’m about to tell you is a lot. I know you have questions, but if you could refrain from asking any until I am finished it would be much appreciated.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’ll try.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That is all I can ask of you,” Logan took a deep breath and stopped looking for flights. He pressed his fingers against his nose again, like he did whenever he was stressed. A migraine was forming, but he didn’t have time to go and take something right now. “Virgil had a very extreme anxiety attack a short while ago. He told Roman that his father tried to… to kill him,” He heard the distressed noise on the other end of the line. “He’s safe. Which is something good. He’s safe, and Roman isn’t going to let him return to that place,” Logan said that more for himself than for Patton, but he knew it benefited the other as well. “Virgil is very lucky that his fight or flight allowed him to process what was happening. I am going to speak with him in the morning about speaking to the police.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“The… the years of abuse were bad <em>enough,</em> but the attempt on his life is too far. I can’t humor Virgil and let him stay silent anymore. His father needs to be behind bars where- where he cannot hurt Virgil again. I’ve already collected all the data I have, and Roman is doing the same. Making notes and copies of anything important. We will use this as evidence against his father.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton was squeezing his pillow tightly to his chest. “He’s gone through so much. I assumed so when I saw some of his scars and… And with what you told me but I didn’t know just how <em>bad</em> it was. He… Virgil needs to be protected.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“And he will. I truly believe that he will be safe with Roman. Just the protectiveness I heard in Roman’s voice is evidence enough of that, and I know you will help protect him as well. We all will.” The pain behind his eyes was getting to be too much. Logan stood on wobbly legs to retrieve his medicine from his personal bathroom.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Darn right I will! I know I’m not... I’m not quite as much help as you and Roman are, but I’m still going to help in any way I can.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan couldn’t help but smile at the boy who held his heart. “I believe you can help quite a bit Patton. You seem to have an affinity for calming those around you down. That will prove to be extremely useful for not only Virgil, but myself and Roman as well. Do not discredit your ability.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton smiled wide at what the handsome boy told him. “You really think so?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I do. It’s going to be critical during the trial that will most likely happen. I’m aware Roman can have a slight temper and you need to help keep that in check.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’ll do everything I can.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I have complete faith in you.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton could hear the smile in the other man’s voice. “Let me know if you need me to pick you up from the airport.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I will. If not I will still call and let you know when I have landed.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Sounds good! Maybe we can all meet up when you get in town somewhere. Grab a lunch now that we all know each other better.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That sounds nice. I will leave planning that in your capable hands.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton smiled at the older boy, even though he couldn’t see. “Is there anything you need me to do tonight?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Logan thought for a moment. “I do not believe I can think of anything. Perhaps going to check on Roman would be beneficial. He sounded extremely stressed.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Will do! I’m glad you’re coming back home. I just wish it was for happier reasons, though.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“As do I, Patton. I will speak with you tomorrow.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Talk to you tomorrow, Lo!” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Neither boy wanted to hang up. They both enjoyed each other’s company too much, and it had been a little while since they spoke over the phone. Patton held his phone close like it was a lifeline. His whole body seemed to curve in on itself as he clutched the object tighter. He wasn’t entirely sure why it was so hard to hang it up. He would be able to speak to Logan tomorrow. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Patton?” Logan’s voice cut through the father figure’s thoughts. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Yeah, Lo?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“As much I enjoy speaking with you, staying on the line will not allow you to help Roman.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You didn’t hang up either.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>There was a moment of silence. “Point well made. I’m going to hang up so you may go help your friend in his time of need. Good night, sweet Patton.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton’s heart soared at the last sentence. “Goodnight, Lolo. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Indeed you will.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>It was still a few moments before Logan finally hung up. As soon as he did, Patton pulled up Roman’s text conversation. He sent a message before getting up from the bed to grab his shoes. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: I just got off the phone with Lo. I’ll be over soon. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Prince Roman: You don’t have to Pat.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: I want to! I wanna be there for you and our little emo. <br/>But right now I think you need me there. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman couldn’t help but smile at this best friend. He loved how Patton would always be there for him. He sent one more text. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Prince Roman: Drive safe. And text me when you get here. I don’t want the doorbell to wake up Virgil.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: Will do!</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t have to be alone after hearing such horrific things. Despite his inner demons taunting him for his weight, Roman went and grabbed himself a couple cookies and a glass of milk. Once he collected both, he sat on the couch and gently nibbled on the cookies while he waited for Patton to arrive. He needed them to help his stress level at the moment.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>About 20 minutes later Roman’s phone lit up. He looked down and read the text. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Pappy Padre Patton: Just pulled up. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Again, he was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Gently moving the cookie plate over on the couch, Roman stood and went to unlock the door. As soon as he did he was enveloped in a hug by the younger boy. Roman gladly returned the hug. After a moment both let go and moved further inside of the house. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“How’s Virgil doing?” Patton asked as he slid his shoes off. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He’s still sound asleep. Logan said his worse attacks leave him pretty tired.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Our poor kiddo. How are you doing? That had to be a hard thing to hear.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Honestly?” Roman asked as the two sat on the couch. “I’m feeling a lot. Anger. Worry. Protectiveness. No one should have to go through that. Especially by someone they call family.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton nodded in agreement as he held Roman’s hand, rubbing gentle circles on the back of it. “Family is defined by bonds, not blood. But I’m here to help in anyway I can. I already told Logan and he told me that I’d be really good at helping keep everyone calm. Well more calm. I don’t think any of us can really be calm with this.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“He’s right. You’ve always known how to help bring my emotions in. You helped Virgil yesterday. And I’m sure you’ve helped Logan too,” Roman smiled fondly at Patton. “I think you’re going to play a bigger part than you think.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton leaned in and hugged Roman again. “I hope I can help. I know you and Lo are going to do more of the evidence side but if I can help at all with that I’d like to.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman hugged his friend back. “Actually, if you want you can write down important dates and what happened when I find them. I started after I talked to Logan but I think with the two of us working it’d go faster.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Sure.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman grabbed the notebook he was using and passed it over to Patton. The two got to work writing down any important information the two could think of. A couple hours passed before Patton’s stomach growled. Roman chuckled at it. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Why don’t we take a break and get something to eat? I think we still have some pasta leftover. Or we can get something else.” Roman suggested. He was willing to eat, which told him that he was stress eating, but he didn’t care. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Pasta’s fine with me. That is, if there’s enough to leave Virgil some for whenever he wakes up.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Let’s go look.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The two boys stand and go to the kitchen on slightly wobbly legs caused from sitting too long. Patton looked in the fridge and pulled out the leftovers, doing his signature ‘Leftovers Dance’ as he dished up two plates worth. Roman giggled along with his friend's antics, giving a small giggle for the younger to prepare the plates to. As Patton put the rest in the fridge, Roman put Patton’s plate in the microwave first. Afterward, he leaning against the counter to wait for the ding It was nice to go back to some normalcy between the two. Since Virgil had stopped talking to him, Roman seemed lost in thought and more distant. Now that they’re talking again, that had completely gone away. Roman teased him in fun and it wasn’t random just to act normal. Any comebacks were naturally flowing.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The two continued on for a while longer like that. They were at peace with each other, but each holding the same paralyzing fear in the back of their minds. It bore down onto their shoulders, signifying its presence as they wrote down dates and times and screenshotted several conversations. It was hard, but it needed to be done to help that paralyzing fear drift away into nothingness.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>A buzz of Patton’s phone alerted him that it was almost his curfew. Patton thought he would have had more time. He thought that he was able to see Virgil when he woke up, but he was wrong. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I gotta go.” Patton mumbled, not looking up from his phone. He knew that Roman was staring at him, that much was clear. What he didn't know by fixing his gaze down on his phone, though, was that Roman held the most understanding eyes.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Probably for the best? Not that I don’t love your company,” Roman tripped over his words for a second before regaining his train of thought. “Virgil is tricky, and if he knows you know about what happened, he’ll see that as a third person he has to protect. He might not go to the police if… if he has you to protect too.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“But I can take care of myself pretty well! Years of foster care has-” Patton looked up to try to defend himself, but Roman carried on.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“And I’m not saying that you can’t! He thinks he has to protect <em>me</em> of all people. I have a bodyguard on speed dial, and I’m also not… bad in the physical department,” Roman didn’t mean to bring up his body, but it happened. Even if he wasn’t at his goal weight with his dream muscle mass, he was still a force to be reckoned with. “It’s all in his head. To him, he’s the only thing standing in the way of his dad hurting us. If he… if he steps aside, he thinks we’re done for.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“That must tell a lot of how it is to live with Mr. Sanders,” Patton paused, swallowing in an attempt to curb the tears that wanted to well in his eyes. “What that man must do to him…”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Which is why we are doing all this.” Roman gestured to the papers strewn about his kitchen table.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“For him.” The ginger smiled softly and slightly crooked. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“For him.” Roman echoed, pushing his chair out with a small squeak as he stood. Patton did the same, and the two took one step each to meet for a hug.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton hugs were the definition of comfort. That fact stood high and mighty whether the person receiving the hug was shorter or taller than him. Patton would wrap his hands around someone underneath their armpits and hold them with just the right amount of pressure. He would grip onto the cloth of the person’s shirt or jacket and smooth that in between his fingers as long as the hug lasted as a secondary soothing tactic. The thing that made Patton’s hugs so iconic, though, was that he would nuzzle into whoever he was hugging and sway slightly on his feet. He was usually on his tiptoes, but he made it work. Another thing that made Patton’s hugs so comfortable was the fact that he was heavier set, and that he had a warm body temperature. He was always warm, so that made hugs impart his body heat onto whoever he was hugging.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman hugs were the definition of safe. Since he had a tall stature, most of the people that he hugged were shorter than him. This information was vital, considering a few facts. When Roman would hug someone, he would put his strong arms around their shoulders, and always around their shoulders. One, or both, of his hands cupped the actual shoulder of the person, gripping slightly as if to say ‘I’m here; will protect you.’ It was either that, or one of his hands would be flat in between someone’s shoulder blades with his thumb rubbing over the fabric. The other hand would be on the back of the person’s neck. This was what Roman was doing for Patton at the moment, along with playing with some of Patton’s longer hairs near his neck. The last thing that Roman did in a hug was place his chin or his cheek on top of the person’s head. It was the final piece of the puzzle that made the embrace say ‘It’s okay, I’ve got you.’</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Both of the friends enjoyed each other’s hugs immensely. Part of the reason that they hugged the way that they did was because they both modeled their usual hugging form after what the other liked. Their hugs grew together, just like their lives. Their hugging style also reflected their personalities in a way, which was mostly a coincidence. Roman and Patton went together. Their personalities matched each other beautifully. But most importantly to them, they fit perfectly in each other’s arms.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman just hoped that he could do that for Virgil. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton prayed that he could do that for Logan one day.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Both of the boys pulled away rather reluctantly. It was a joke among their friends that the two couldn’t keep their hands off each other, which was a cruel twisting on what was actually going on. Patton needed reassurance of Roman’s presence, which he delivered through touch. Roman needed the consistency of Patton, which he delivered through touch. They both helped with the other’s issues in different ways, but the touch was the most recognizable by others.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Drive safely, okay?” Roman asked of Patton. The younger boy was still at the ends of his fingertips, as Roman had yet to remove his calloused hands from the other’s shoulders. “I love you, Pat.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I love you too, my friend.” The words flew from his mouth, sweet like honey but quick like a waterfall. They were usual, and they were lovely.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>At that, Roman pulled Patton in for one more hug. This one was very short, almost comically so compared to the other longer one. Patton then proceeded to smile up at his taller friend. Roman returned the grin despite the fearful and sad emotions that the longer hug held.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Of course, after the course of the day, that long hug wasn’t just so the two could hold each other. It was a comforting tactic, and a way to show that the other was safe. It was holding their best friend in their arms for a while as the world crashed down around them. It was clutching onto the only consistency in their lives as fear of what to come rushed through them. It was desperate, it was fear, and it was them.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Patton left without another word. He helped Roman sort some of the papers, though, but neither boy spoke. Neither wanted to break the fragility of the air around them. After they stopped talking, the seriousness of the situation weighed down on them. It plunged into their hearts again as they sorted the papers. Roman didn’t have the emotional strength to go through talking about what has happened for the fourth time that day. Patton didn’t have the knowledge or confidence to bring up a piece of the puzzle. They would let the silence roam until Patton left and Virgil woke.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>What the two didn’t know was as Patton was stepping over the threshold of the home, Virgil was stirring in his sleep. Stirring may not have been the most accurate term to describe it though. It was more along the lines of tossing, trashing, and fighting. Fighting, or fearing. Inside his slumber, memories were forcefully brought before his eyes.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The glint off of the knife. A cackle ringing in his ears. Menacing, creeping forward, with a spark of something in his eyes. Was it joy? Was it reward? Was it happiness? Virgil didn’t know. All he knew was that there was a knife coming toward his chest and plunging into it around his ribs again, and again, and again, and again, and suddenly he could breathe. His throat was closing, no, there was a strong hand on his throat. Pressing down, down, tighter on his neck to stop breathing. The knife, strong, sharp, and ready to hurt, being raised up, up, up again before it came down onto Virgil right on top of his heart– </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>A scream ripped itself out of Virgil’s throat, his body jolting awake and upright. Virgil frantically scanned the room, momentarily lost again. He was breathing heavily, but not quickly like during an attack. Virgil swallowed, hands gripping the grey sheets as he came back to the present. He was sweating as well. The dream had been too real, too vibrant for his liking. He felt as though he were in a movie and the main character just woke up in a cold sweat from a prophetic dream. Like in the Order of the Phoenix when Harry dreamt of Nagini killing Mr. Weasley. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>But this wasn’t a prophetic dream. It was a nightmare constructed by events of the near past to torment Virgil’s mind. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He hadn’t been fully aware that he had screamed until Roman came bursting in through the door. He was breathing heavily, now more than the calming down Virgil. The one sitting in the bed knew how to handle nightmares. For the most part. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Are you okay?” Roman frantically asked, still huffing, as he walked to the bed. He must have ran up the stairs. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’m fine. Just a nightmare, but did you carry me up the stairs?” Virgil was already rolling off the panic of the dream, so he skipped that part of his current thought process.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“What?” Roman was highly confused, and still highly concerned. He gently sat himself down on the bed.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You just ran up the stairs. This bedroom is upstairs. I have no memory of walking up the stairs.” Virgil seemed to Roman oddly calm for someone who just woke up screaming. He personally had to take several hours, many hugs, and warm drinks to calm himself from nightmares where he woke up in a rush, or screaming. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I carried you up here, yeah. You crashed after your panic attack. Virgil, you’re surprisingly light and I do strength training.” Roman gave Virgil a cautious look, like he was a stray cat that could run away at any moment.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Stop looking at me like that.” Virgil tried to say, only for his voice to break in the middle of the sentence. No, he didn’t need to break down again. He was fine.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Sorry, probably because of the events of the past three days.” It was the older’s turn to be more nonchalant. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Fair... point.” Virgil took a deep breath, steadying out the last of his heavy breathing. Suddenly, the covers over his legs and most of his body became way too warm. He kicked them off the best he could without accidently kicking Roman. He was still sitting on the foot of the bed. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want to talk about it?” Roman asked after Virgil kicked off the comforter rather roughly. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“It was just a nightmare. Happens a lot.” Virgil settled on as he pulled on his knees to his chest. After a curious look from Roman, he elaborated, “I have them just about every night. ‘M lucky I didn’t have one last night.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman sucked in a breath, “How do you... Get through them?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“‘N’ayez pas peur de vos rêves, car il n’y a plus grand maux de dépenser plus orienté vers les temps.’ An old saying in our family.” Virgil calmed his breathing down fairly quickly, certainly much quicker than whenever he had a panic attack. His nightmares didn’t invoke panic attacks, but only because of that key information his mom told him.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Lo siento mi amor, but I don’t speak whatever you just spoke.” Roman chuckled slightly, putting in a dash of his own language for ‘I’m sorry, my darling.’ </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“French. I’m fluent, n’ my mom was too. It means ‘Do not be afraid of your dreams, for there are bigger evils to spend more time facing,’” he paused, looking down before looking back up. “And Spanish. Really?” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“What! Mi Madre is Latina. She spoke Spanish to my older brother and I so that we could be bilingual like her.” Roman explained very casually.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil was about to respond to Roman’s confession, but Roman’s phone rang before he could do so. Roman screwed his eyebrows together, confusion rushing through him. He shared a look with Virgil who had a very similar expression on his face.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Silently, Roman dug his phone out of his pocket. He took a moment to look at the caller ID, a flash of recognition flashing in his eyes. Virgil didn’t understand it, nor did he know if he wanted to. Something inside him told him to leave the room and give Roman peace with his phone call, but he didn’t. He stayed put, which was out of the ordinary for him. Virgil always left when someone was having a phone call. That or they left the room themself.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Hello? This is Roman Prince.” Roman spoke into the phone that was now up against his ear. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Princey, you are needed at the studio immediately. Don’t ignore my calls again.” The sharp voice of his manager rang through his ears.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I’m sorry. I must have had my phone on silent.” Roman apologized as he maneuvered his body into a more comfortable and closed off sitting position.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Don’t let it happen again. And bring your guitar.” Roman looked up at Virgil at that, hoping that the other heard that too. Roman never was asked to bring his old Gibson. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Okay? I’ll be there in twenty. Is it-” Roman made a groan sound of sorts as he was cut off by the line going dead. He was going to ask if he could bring Virgil, but his manager was always straight to the point. She never allowed time for extra things or nonsensical sentences. It was interesting to say the least.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“What was that?” Virgil asked after several moments of silence between the two. Roman gave a tilt of his head, complete with another confused look.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I think,” Roman began, holding out the ‘i’ in ‘think’ in a singsong-type tone. “My manager just called me into the studio.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil gave a dry chuckle, facial expression stone again. “You’re kidding right?” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Not at all,” Roman began to get up from the bed as he shrugged his shoulders. “This happens more frequently than you’d think.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“But, Princey-” Virgil tried to start, getting out of the bed as well.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Hey, this way you can see my studio! It was fun seeing Patton see it for the first time. Gold.” Roman interrupted, not really knowing he was doing so. He was caught in his head again as he left the room to go get ready.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Princey!” Virgil groaned, mostly to himself at this point. He quickly followed Roman in the hallway, upon which he saw him still determinedly walking away.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I wonder if your reaction will be like Patton’s. Only time will tell I guess. Either way I think it’ll be interesting.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Damn it, Roman, will you fucking stop a minute?!” Virgil yelled. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman stopped dead in his tracks and turned to look at Virgil, slight confusion on his face. “That is the first time you have said my name. All week.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Yeah. Well. I needed to get your attention. And calling you “Princey” wasn’t cutting it.” For some reason, Virgil’s cheeks heated up. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Why did you wait so long?” Curiosity was clear in Roman’s tone. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil looked at his feet, pondering the question for a minute. “I-I was scared I guess. Of what it meant. Names mean a lot and to use it meant something. I was scared of what that meant.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Even though what Virgil said didn’t make the most sense, Roman understood what he was trying to say. Saying his name meant that Virgil was now a major part in Roman’s life. Where Patton started to use nicknames once he was close with the person as a sign of the relationship, Virgil was the opposite. He used nicknames so if he lost a person it wouldn’t hurt as bad. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I get it, Virgil. But as much as it’ll pain you to know I’m not going anywhere.” There was a slight playful smile on Roman’s lips. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“But don’t you think it’ll ruin your image for me to be seen at the studio with you?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“I don’t know if it will or not. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m tired of not being able to be the real me. I’m forced to write songs a certain way and that’s not who I am. Not completely. So let them see me be with someone who doesn’t fit the ‘Princey’ stereotype.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil was dumbfounded. He never thought that Roman would be willing to give up his reputation. What’s even more surprising is Roman’s willing to give it up for him. “I-I don’t know what to say to that.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Say… say you’ll come to the studio with me.” </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Alright.” Virgil said after a moment of deliberation. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Great. Meet you back in the living room in ten? I need to change and get my stuff together.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Okay…”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman turned back around and walked to his room. Virgil returned to his room to change out of his sweat-stained clothes. Even though he would stick out like a sore thumb, there was no reason for him to do it and reek of sweat at the same time. Once he was in a clean outfit, he stopped in the bathroom to steal some deodorant before walking down to the living room. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman walked down a couple of minutes later, carrying a guitar case and a beat-up old notebook. “Ready, Panic! At the Everywhere?”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“You already used that one.” Virgil fired back as he rolled his eye. The two walked out of the house and towards Roman’s car without further words, ready for a long and interesting night.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Roman pulled his car into the driveway, returning from recording <em>Psychic</em> in the studio, not really caring that it was his Ma’s spot to park. Virgil was leaning his head back against the seat in a feeble attempt to sleep, but looked up when he noticed they had stopped moving. A quick look at the stereo’s clock told him it was almost four in the morning. He rubbed his eyes and unbuckled his seatbelt, Roman following suit. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>The two dragged themselves from the car and up to the front door. It took Roman a couple of tries and a yawn to get the key in to unlock the door. He let Virgil in first before walking to the couch and throwing himself on it, not bothering to take his shoes off at the door. Virgil sat next to him and yawned. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Why did that take so fucking long?” Virgil asked sleepily, rubbing at his face.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Welcome to the life of a performer,” Roman answered as Virgil leaned into him. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He lazily, and quite unconsciously, wrapped his arms around the lanky boy. Virgil felt secure in his arms, but it felt different than the security he felt with Logan or Patton. It was almost if there was something more to the embrace. However, Virgil’s mind was so clouded with sleep he couldn’t put his finger on what was different. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Virgil relaxed into Roman even further, soon drifting off to sleep. Roman smiled and shifted carefully as to not wake up the sleeping one so the two could lay down flat. This meant that Virgil had to be slightly on top of Roman, but he didn’t mind. The astoundingly minimal weight was relaxing and grounding. After the rollercoaster of a day, it was just what Roman needed. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Within minutes with Virgil sound asleep in his arms, Roman fell into the deep world of dreams as well. The two were still sleeping soundly when three hours later the front door unlocked. Andrea, Roman’s Ma, walked through the threshold and held open the door for her wife Cinthia. Once Roman’s Madre was inside, Andrea locked the door behind her. When she turned around, she noticed Cinthia standing at the entrance to the living room and starring. When she moved forward herself, she saw the duo cuddled together on the couch sleeping. A happy smile spread across Cinthia’s lips, while a concerned gaze settled on Andrea’s. Roman hadn’t told them anything about anyone coming over, and this person certainly was not Patton.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Cinthia calmed Andrea with a light touch of her shoulder. Silently, Roman’s Madre pecked a kiss on her wife’s lips before taking one of the bags she carried in her hand again. Andrea took the second before she was pulled away by her wife. Both tiptoed up the stairs as quietly as they could as to not wake the two boys asleep in their living room.</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. nineteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: Swearing, descriptive panic attack, intrusive thoughts, mentions of abuse</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patton pulled up to the airport, and checked his phone. It was 6:03 a.m. and Logan’s plane landed roughly ten minutes ago, which meant he should be getting his luggage now. Patton was absolutely vibrating with excitement. It had been so long since he saw Logan, or at least it felt like it. They never really got together outside of the Gay Straight Alliance club, but their time there was special to Patton. Logan was special to Patton. Quickly, he sent Logan a text to tell him where he was waiting in his small Kia Soul.</p>
<p>Patton Heart &lt;3: Hey Lolo! I just pulled up to the airport. I’m waiting outside of terminal 23. See you soon! &lt;3</p>
<p>In the process of checking the notifications he had received while driving, Patton realized he had a text from Roman. It was sent roughly at four in the morning the night pior, which made Patton worry slightly. Still, he opened the text.</p>
<p>Prince Roman: Tell Logan how you feel on your way from picking him up. Might be surprised at what you find </p>
<p>Before he could respond or try to decipher the weirdly convoluted message from his best friend, his phone pinged with a message from Logan.</p>
<p>Logos Brain: I just picked up my luggage. I will meet you there in approximately three minutes. </p>
<p>Patton’s heart soared at the message. However, his stomach also twisted itself into knots. He was going to follow Roman’s advice and tell Logan how he felt. The worry that Logan would abandon him weighed heavily on his mind, but he didn’t think Logan would truly leave him. But that didn’t stop the dark thoughts from creeping into his mind every once in a while. </p>
<p>A soft knock on the window startled Patton from his dark train of thought. He smiled widely and got out of the car to greet Logan. “Hey there, kiddo!” </p>
<p>Logan’s heart sped up slightly at the brightness of Patton’s smile. “Salutations, Patton.” He barely had time to put his suitcase down before he got a bear hug from the younger boy. Gently he wrapped his arms around the other. </p>
<p>“I’ve missed you so much, Lo.”</p>
<p>“As have I, Patton. I wish I was returning under better circumstances, but I am very glad to see you.”</p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but smile wider at that. “I’m glad to see you too! Why don’t we put your stuff in the car and grab a coffee? I haven’t had one yet.”</p>
<p>“That sounds pleasant.”</p>
<p>Logan put his things in the trunk of the car then got into the passenger side. Patton got back in the driver’s side and started to drive off when both were buckled in. He opted to take the back roads so he could drive slower. A long embedded fear of driving recklessly after several bad experiences kept him from going quickly. The two talked about how the prior day went and how Logan’s flight was. After that conversation died down, there was a quiet lull in the car. </p>
<p><em>Come on Patton. You can do it. He isn’t going to hurt you. I know it’s hard to open up but you can do it.</em> “Hey, Lo?” Patton’s heart was beating too fast for it to be normal. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to get the words he needed out of his mouth enough for him to actually confess. He didn’t even know the first place to begin confessing that the feelings that he harbored for Logan were far more than just platonic ones.</p>
<p>“Yes, Patton?”</p>
<p>“Can I tell you something without you getting upset?”</p>
<p>“As long as it isn’t another dad joke, I believe I will be alright.” There was a smile on Logan’s face that released some of the tension Patton felt. </p>
<p>“You’ve made a few yourself, you can’t say much.”</p>
<p>“They were never intentional.”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say,” Patton stayed quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to say it. Logan remained quiet, but watched his friend intently, curious about what the father figure wanted to ask. “I really like you. And I think it is as more than just a good friend.” </p>
<p>That was not at all what Logan was expecting. He was expecting a question about Virgil or perhaps if he believed that Virgil had feelings towards Roman. But nothing had prepared him for a confession like that. Logan realized he was taking too long to answer when he saw Patton’s face start to change. It looked as if he was trying to hold back tears. </p>
<p>“Patton…”</p>
<p>“If you hate me I understand.” The tone of Patton’s voice broke Logan’s heart. He never wanted to hurt the other boy. He cared deeply for him, more than deeply even. He only just recently had this revelation of his own, abit later than he should have, but it was as good of time as any to put a label to how he was feeling. Now, that label was paying off.</p>
<p>“I could never hate you, dear Patton. Could you pull over for a moment and look at me?”</p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but sniff. Tears were already threatening to pour down his face. <em>Logan hates me Logan hates me Logan hates me Logan hates me Logan hates me oh my god this was such a stupid idea! How did I ever think this was even close to okay!?</em> “Yeah. Okay.” He pulled over, but still refused to look at Logan.</p>
<p>Logan unbuckled himself and turned slightly so that he was facing Patton. “Patton. Please. Will you look at me?” When he saw Patton shake his head, Logan gently took one of the other’s hands in his. “Patton. I have never been good with emotions. I have been teased for most of my life about not having any, but it isn’t true. And that has never been more apparent to me than now. I-” He swallowed and tried again. “I feel the same about you. And I am not telling you a falsehood.”</p>
<p>Patton looked at Logan, tears still in his eyes. “You do?”</p>
<p>“Yes. I didn’t realize just how deeply I cared about you until… recently, but yes.”</p>
<p>Patton quickly unbuckled and threw himself into Logan’s arms. Logan held him tightly and gently carded his fingers through the ginger’s hair, whispering soothing words. Patton cried in the older’s arms, this time tears of joy. The two stayed in each other's arms for several minutes, Patton feeling several different emotions, but love and relief being the major two. He was so relieved that Logan felt the same way. He was relieved more so that Logan didn’t shut him out or make fun of him. </p>
<p>“Patton?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Lo?”</p>
<p>“Come on.” Logan vaguely stated before peeling away from Patton to get out of the car. Patton scrambled to follow, stopped to grab a blanket he always kept in the back seat in case they wanted to sit down in the meadow they were parked near. At least, Patton thought that was Logan’s idea? The early morning sun shone off the dew that blanketed the meadow, causing it to sparkle green. Logan gently took Patton’s hand and led him into the grass. </p>
<p>“I apologize for causing you so much alarm in the car, Patton. It’s hard for me to express emotions.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Logan.”</p>
<p>Logan shook his head. “It isn’t. Not truly,” He took a deep breath. “My parents weren’t the most supportive of my more emotional endeavors. I believe they thought it would get in the way of my learning. They were told I was a ‘gifted’ child, so that took precedence. I remember playing with my friends and laughing at some of the most ridiculous things, but those got pushed aside for my learning,” He paused and Patton squeezed his hand reassuringly. Logan returned the pressure. “I have always loved to read, but it used to be fairy tales or fun books like that. I had a great adoration for Dr. Seuss. I enjoyed how nonsensical they were but they still had a lesson that was taught. </p>
<p>“Once my time shifted to school work I lost the time for those types of stories. I turned to the classics because there was still some small form of escape, even if it wasn’t as large as the escape fantasy used to bring me. And I... I lost a lot of my emotional connections to things. The only fraction was the Saturdays when my babysitter would take me out to a field to read. I got lost in a lot of the emotions of the stories then instead of dealing with my own. Since I was old enough to not need one anymore I haven’t been able to do that. I wasn’t able to feel anything. I didn’t have a teacher or parents or really any adult to help me through how I was supposed to feel. So I can only assume that I dealt with the unknown by shutting them off. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was normal or not. Then Virgil came into my life.</p>
<p>“He was the first friend I had in probably five years. He was also the first person to help me, well, feel again. Virgil is hard to understand at first but there’s something about him that just...I’m not sure. It almost felt as if he sent a signal that he needed someone. He had been in the library having an attack when I walked in and I was able to help him calm down. We spoke a little then about what happened, and he told me later that the factual way I speak is grounding. He also helped me through some of my own emotions. Worry was the first. In case you didn’t know, it’s something Virgil understands quite well.” </p>
<p>There was a small smile on Logan’s lips. “He was the teacher I didn’t have, at least partially. He also helped teach me to love? He’s the brother I never had, and therefore taught me how to love my own sibling when she came along. But then, he started to shut me out. I understand now it was out of fear of what his father might do, but it hurt. Then I started speaking with you. Patton, you are a well of emotions. You can help others understand emotions better than anyone else I have ever seen. Inadvertently, you helped me understand more of my own just during the times we spoke. You showed me love and kindness and tenderness and so many different emotions. I have to admit that sometimes it was a lot to handle for me. I wasn’t used to it so it was overwhelming, but I wasn’t uncomfortable with them. They were soothing as odd as that seems. </p>
<p>"And when I left I knew that nothing there could compare with how I felt around you. I had isolated myself again. Then when we spoke last night it all came flooding back. That’s when I realized that the emotions I felt around you were so different from those I felt around Virgil. I love Virgil with all of my being, but it is familial love. He’s my brother. With you it wasn’t the same. Last night is when I realized that I was <em>IN</em> love with you. That realization… it hit me hard. I believe I had tried to suppress those feelings because they were unknown. They were not something I could do research into and get a clear understanding of. But you have always been so kind and loving. You’ve waited for someone to love you with all of their heart and you were waiting to return that love. You deserve that love because of all the love you have given others. I hope that I can give you even a tenth of what you deserve.”</p>
<p>Patton looked at Logan. He never thought that he would hear so much of the other’s story. What he knew was that he was going to teach Logan everything he could about his emotions. No matter how long it took. </p>
<p>He pulled Logan into a hug, carelessly dropping the blanket into the wet grass. “I’m glad that I could help you with your emotions. And I will do everything I can to help you. We’re in this together.”</p>
<p>“Together.”</p>
<p>After the two pulled apart, Patton leaned down and layed out the blanket, then sat down, gently pulling Logan with him. He then snuggled against the one who stole his heart. Logan wrapped his arms around the boy who taught him to love. He took the time to admire how the light hit his auburn curls, showing off more of the red than normal. The young man looked almost angelic against the morning light. </p>
<p>Patton leaned his head up small amount, wanting to kiss Logan, but letting him decide if he was ready.  Despite the fear, Logan leaned forward and met Patton’s lips. However, because of that same fear, he didn’t let the kiss linger like some would. Logan moved away from it after a short moment and looked at the other boy fondly, with love clear in his eyes. It was the first emotion that Patton ever could see clearly in the other’s eyes, despite them being windows to the soul. Patton figured that Logan was just unsure on a lot of the romance stuff, but he was glad that Logan had kissed him back. </p>
<p>Logan hated that he wasn’t comfortable with a lot of the romantic gestures, but he wasn’t sure how to explain that to Patton. It was a problem that he would deal with later. Right now he was glad that he was able to express himself enough to make it clear to Patton that he loved him. That he didn’t have to hide his emotions anymore. Patton would help him understand them and work through them at his own pace. </p>
<p>After a long while, Patton’s voice broke through the early morning serenity. “Logan?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Patton?”</p>
<p>“I think that you’ll give me a lot more than a tenth.”</p>
<p>A soft smile pulled on Logan’s lips. “I hope so. You deserve as much love and kindness as you can possibly get.” </p>
<p>“So do you. You’ve done so much with keeping Virgil safe. You have a kind heart, Logan. I think just because you didn’t understand emotions doesn’t mean you didn’t have any. You just showed them differently.” Logan moved one of his hands to be able to card it through Patton’s ginger locks.</p>
<p>“How do you mean?” he questioned, looking at the rising sun peaking out from the tops of trees on the horizon.</p>
<p>“Well,” Patton started, shifting his position so that he could get maximum hair playing. “Your ‘good morning’ texts and our conversations on our sleeping the night prior shows a lot of care. And I’m sure that there’s something that you and Virgil have to say that one of you is hurting. Codes between people are just a way to discreetly say that you care and want to know stuff. But not really Morse Code. I guess in the proper circumstance it could…” </p>
<p>Logan moved his head to smile down at Patton, taking in the view of the lovely boy’s face. Looking down at his love in the morning light, with the rising sun's rays glowing on Patton's face, was the most beautiful thing that Logan had ever experienced. It was more than anything could have imagined as Patton rambled on about how Logan shows he cares, about his theories and sneaky ways of suggesting healthy habits that he himself doesn’t perform as a way to say ‘I love you.’ It was amazing. It was sweet. It was so Patton.</p>
<p>“Logan?” Patton asked after stopping his small speech. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes, my apologies,” Logan shook his head with a small smile. “I was just thinking how amazing it is for me to have you here, in this beautiful morning light.”</p>
<p>“You are surprisingly such a sap.” Patton started to giggle, which in turn made Logan let out his own huffs of laugher. After a few seconds, Logan realized that neither of them had asked the main question yet. The big one to start everything off.</p>
<p>“Patton,” Logan stated rather softly, but still with a tone that required to be listened to. Patton stopped giggling and met Logan’s pure ocean gaze. “Would you maybe… like to go on a breakfast date with me?”</p>
<p>At that, Patton squealed. He buried his face into Logan’s sweater, happiness leaking from his eyes in the form of another round of happy tears. Logan had said it first. Patton was absolutely terrified of saying those fateful words, but he wanted to say them. He yearned to say them to Logan since the two started actually talking, but Patton never had the courage. Logan did. Suddenly, Patton realized he didn’t actually give a vocal answer to Logan’s question.</p>
<p>“<em>Yes</em>,” Patton all but cried into his Logan’s chest. “Yes, a million times yes.”</p>
<p>Logan let out the breath that he was holding at the end of that sentence. Patton could feel it, but he just hugged Logan tighter. Logan personally didn’t exactly know how to feel about all the white-hot touch that Patton provided, but in the moment he liked it. He wrapped his arms around the shorter in his lap, leaning down to kiss the top of his head.</p>
<p>Logan smiled down at his Heart for the millionth time that morning. His eyes flicked upwards at the rising sun again, peace filling the ever circling cavity inside his chest. The pair needed to get to Roman’s house eventually, but that wasn’t necessary at the moment. Right now, in the early morning air, it was just the two of them existing together with love swirling wildling inside of them for one another.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Roman woke up first. He felt the slight weight on his chest which told him that Virgil was still there. There was nothing he could do about the slight blush that crept along his cheeks. Careful not to move the sleeping boy, Roman grabbed his phone from the table. There was one text from Patton that was sent about an hour prior.</p>
<p>Pappy Padre Patton: Hey kiddo, we’re going to be a little late. Logan and I are going on a breakfast date!</p>
<p>Roman broke out into a smile, happy that the text that he decided to send the night prior worked its magic. Thinking for a moment, he would have giggled at the odd position he was in if he could without waking Virgil. His head was turned toward the side so that he could see the phone in his arm that was dangling over the side of the couch. Virgil was still half on top of him, his head on his chest. Not only was his physical position quite odd, but the relationship that he was building with Virgil was entirely amazing, weird, and frustrating all at the same time. Roman found himself wishing that his hand was playing with Virgil’s admittedly greasy-looking hair. He wanted to see that soft face that knew so many grimaces to smile, to flush with color, and for his eyes to light up like his words did when he talked about something he loved. Roman wanted Virgil to be happy, comfortable. He wanted Virgil to love.</p>
<p>Putting all of these revelations in the back of his mind as Virgil continued to steadily breathe on his chest, Roman typed out an unsteady reply with one hand.</p>
<p>Prince Roman: Its alrigjt we had a late night. I just woke up ans Virgils still alseep. </p>
<p>Almost as soon as he hit send, Virgil began to stir. He groaned and shifted, probably assuming that it would be easier to shift than it actually was. Upon being stopped of turning with the pain in his arm and a body underneath him, Virgil snapped his eyes open. The dark abysses almost immediately caught onto Roman’s soft eyes.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Boy Against Humanity.” Roman’s voice was still gruff with morning sound, and it just went directly to Virgil’s already growing blush.</p>
<p>Virgil pushed himself up with one hand on the couch and the other on Roman’s surprisingly hard chest. He got himself into more of a sitting position, but was still on top of Roman’s legs. Roman, realizing that Virgil probably didn’t want to touch him at the moment, retracted his legs. Honestly, Virgil wondered how the two were able to sleep in a position like that while still in their jeans. Instead of saying anything, Virgil grunted out what Roman assumed was something along the lines of “Gonna get changed.” </p>
<p>Afterwards, with a blush still rising on his face, Virgil walked up the stairs into the bedroom that held his clothes. He grabbed out one of the purple shirts and one of his new black jeans, his mind wandering. He couldn’t figure out why he had blushed so badly at laying on Roman. Was is because of the close contact? Was it because of the night before in the recording studio? A shiver ran down Virgil’s spine at the memory. The fond memory. Virgil eventually got changed and got to the bottom of the stairs when the doorbell rang.</p>
<p>“Virgil, can you get it?” Roman called from the kitchen where Virgil assumed he was making coffee.</p>
<p>Virgil made a grunt of sort to signify his answer, making his way to the door from the stairs with a little too much knowledge. Upon opening it, his heart stopped.</p>
<p>Logan was at the door.</p>
<p>Why the fuck was Logan at the door?</p>
<p>“Logan?” Virgil finally found his voice after several seconds of staring. His grip on the door handle fell in astonishment. Logan was supposed to be in Massachusetts. He wasn’t supposed to be here. “You’re supposed to be at Harvard.”</p>
<p>“And your life was threatened,” Virgil visibly paled. Logan wasn’t supposed to know about that. “You take priority.”</p>
<p>“I don’t--” Virgil stumbled on his words. He lifted his arm to wave it around to prove a point, but the pain that jolted upwards said otherwise. He winced, which made Logan’s concerned face show itself. Virgil hated just how much of that face that he saw. </p>
<p>“Virge?” A soft voice asked behind Logan. Virgil took his eyes off of his button up and sweater clad friend for a moment, just long enough to see Patton behind Logan. “Virgil, honey, can we come in?”</p>
<p>Virgil must have waited a moment too long in not replying, because Logan took a step forward. On instinct in his still shocked state, he took a step backward. Logan took a visible deep breath, all while keeping his eyes on Virgil. The oldest out of the four boys shifted his messenger bag before slowly raising his arms. Logan rose them slower than he took the first step as a way to show Virgil that everything was alright. He took another agonizingly slow step forward to be able to gently place his hands on Virgil’s shoulders.</p>
<p>Virgil visibly relaxed. Logan’s hands on his shoulders held a specific weight. His hands were softer than Roman’s, bigger than both of theirs, and more squared off. They were his, not like anyone else’s. “Je suis là pour t'aider, mon frère. Laisse moi aider.” <em>I'm here to help, brother.</em> Virgil’s mind didn’t need to translate it. The French words were known better than their English counterpart. <em>Let me help.</em> </p>
<p>Patton had no clue what was happening with the two older boys. He didn’t know what Logan just said, as he had taken Spanish instead of French. What he did know, though, was that Virgil was visibly relaxing, and that was a good sign. His shoulders returned to their normal place, non-hunched. Virgil did move his shoulders up and down for a moment, most likely to feel the weight of Logan’s hands again. </p>
<p>After a few more seconds of Logan and Virgil just standing together, breathing, Virgil made a move. He returned his hand to the door, slowly opening it as Logan dropped his hands. Patton could have sworn he hummed something softly. He being Logan.</p>
<p>The three then retreated into the house, Virgil leading the way to where Roman was in the living room. The boy with blackberry hair was hunched over, arms around himself in a self hug, and completely shut off. His facade of being strong and uncaring was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t need it. It was obvious to the boy that the people here already knew about the broken, scared, and scarred boy underneath the grimace he usually wore.</p>
<p>“You told them?” Virgil asked in a weak tone as Roman looked up from his phone. Virgil kept his eyes on the ground. Logan and Patton shared a look as Roman stood from where he was sprawled on the couch.</p>
<p>“You couldn’t yourself, and I know for fact that you wanted to tell Logan.” Roman tried to back himself up and he walked forward to the other three. Upon hearing his name, Logan looked toward Roman and obtained eye contact with him. The two stared at each other for a moment before Logan reached out to shake Roman’s hand. Roman compiled and took the larger hand inside his own.</p>
<p>Virgil watched the odd exchange from the outskirts, slowly shrinking in on himself. Logan would be mad at him that he didn’t tell him the full truth the night of its occurrence. Patton would scorn him for not telling him sooner about all of the shit that had happened. Roman would hate him for putting the pressure of what happened that night onto his shoulders. Hell, he probably already did. They all hated him. The three most important people to Virgil certainly hated him now. There was no way around it, or at least there wasn’t in Virgil’s mind.</p>
<p>While Logan and Roman were caught up in their silent thanks to the other for protecting Virgil, Patton noticed Virgil getting smaller and smaller. Patton considered Virgil’s hunching in on himself something that he did when he felt threatened, or afraid, but that was with the minimal information that he was going on off of him. Patton didn’t know as much as he would like to know, but he still would attempt comfort for his love’s best friend.</p>
<p>“Virgil, it’s okay. None of us are mad at you for what happened, or how we found out.” Patton started, which made Virgil’s head pop up again. </p>
<p>“Indeed,” Logan continued on for Patton, retracting his hand from Roman’s and going to hold Patton’s instead. “Besides, from what I understand, you or Roman could not have said what happened more than once. I don’t blame you for that. It is best that we all knew… just so that we three could be able to be a better support system for you.”</p>
<p>“But-” Virgil choked on his words. <em>Stop being so weak. Stop showing so much weakness.</em> “But now Patton, he… I?” </p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry about protecting me, kiddo.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry about protecting any of us,” Roman said. “You’ve spent so much time taking care of others that you haven’t been able to take care of yourself. We’re in this together. We’ll all protect each other.”</p>
<p>“Indeed,” Logan used the word to agree again. “Virgil, you’ve kept me safe before. I’m going to return the kindness. We are going to do this together.” He directed his voice at Virgil, which was honestly amazing for the younger. He hadn’t heard his voice so clear and so close in too long.</p>
<p>It made Virgil relax slightly, but he still tried to groan in protest. <em>They don’t mean any of the things they’re saying. His darker thoughts started to rage. They’re pretending they care but they don’t. They can’t. They don’t care about you. His vision was becoming blurry. They’ve probably talked with your father and he’s making them give you a false sense of security.</em> Virgil couldn’t see. Tunnel vision was taking over. Or was it that he closed his eyes? <em>You’re going to lose everything you thought you cared about.</em></p>
<p>“Virgil, Virgil.” Logan’s cold and soft voice swayed into focus.</p>
<p>He could see Logan’s hands, so his eyes were open. Both of them were on his shoulders now. Virgil didn’t know when that happened. He couldn’t hear anything but the mantra in his head. <em>Who are you kidding? They never fucking cared about you. It was all just a fucking joke to them. They don’t care. They don’t care. They don’t care. They don’t care.</em> <strong><em>They don’t care.</em></strong> <em>They don’t. They don’t.</em> <strong><em>They don’t fucking care.</em></strong> <em>They never fucking did.</em></p>
<p>Virgil was shaking hard. His breathing was shallow and erratic. He was still hunched in on himself, but Logan’s hands as a weight on his shoulders were preventing him from hunching farther. It was preventing him from his legs becoming weak, or his breathing get to the point to where he couldn’t breathe out at all. He still couldn’t see, though. Or could he? He couldn’t tell. The only clear thing was Logan’s hands and the fact that <em>no one cares nobody fucking cares about you.</em></p>
<p>“Pat-love, can you and Roman please go grab the information we need for the case?” Logan’s voice was clear as day, though everything else was murky. Everything but Logan was twelve miles under the ocean water. Virgil was drowning. He was drowning. He was drowning. </p>
<p>Footsteps away, muddled and almost unheard but definitely there. “Virgil, Virgil,” Logan’s crisp voice broke through again. “You’re safe. Je suis là pour t'aider, mon frère. He can’t get us here, I promise. I swear on it.”</p>
<p>Logan never swore on anything he didn’t believe in. Never. Virgil’s breathing started to become less erratic.</p>
<p>“The chances of him discovering where you are right now are one in 33.2 thousand. Even so, Roman has a bodyguard on speed dial. We are safe. You are safe,” Logan took a deep breath in, held it, and exhaled. Virgil’s breathing pattern. “We care for you. You are the reason I am breathing fine. You mean so much to me, Virgil. Virgil, Roman cares for you. Patton cares for you. On those two facts, I also swear.” </p>
<p>Logan never swore on anything he didn’t believe in. Never. Virgil’s breathing calmed more. It was easier to take in breaths now.</p>
<p>“We just want to help you, Virgil. Virgil, we love you and care about you. I want you to be safe. I don’t want you to be in fear anymore. That’s why I’m going to help you any way I can,” There was a pause. Logan’s hands held onto Virgil’s shoulders harder. “I want to help you go to the police. It’s scary. It’s frightening, but I will be there. Patton will, and so will Roman. We are here for you. For you. On this, I swear.”</p>
<p>Logan never swore on anything he didn't believe in. Never. Virgil’s breathing calmed back to its normal pace. He lifted his eyes to look at Logan.  </p>
<p>“There you go, Virgil. Virgil, you’ve done so well.” Logan’s calming voice told him. The voice was full of love and kindness. He did not remove his hands from the other’s shoulders. Virgil liked hearing his name over and over like what Logan did. Only he did it, and it only was when he was panicking. It was safe, calming, and something to signify that Logan was there for Virgil. They had a lot of those, Virgil was realizing.</p>
<p>Roman was amazed at how calming Logan was for Virgil. From what he could see from where he was at the kitchen table, Virgil was panicking a tenth of what he was when he was in Roman’s care. He could have to ask Logan for tips on how to calm down their friend. Or, at the very least, talk to Virgil about what helps him recede from panic. </p>
<p>“I’m proud of my kiddos.” Patton said, a genuine smile on his face. </p>
<p>“Wait, so you and Logan <em>didn’t</em> go on a breakfast date?” Roman stopped laying out papers in favor of giving Patton a perplexed look.</p>
<p>“Oh no, we did! Old habit of calling him kiddo.” Patton was unfazed at his friend’s confusion, instead still sorting everything that Logan had brought with him. Roman honestly didn’t know when Patton grabbed Logan’s messenger bag, but apparently, it happened at some point.</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t know what to say. His darker thoughts were still screaming at him like they always did, but the confidence in Logan’s voice was pushing them away. He believed Logan. The older strayed away from lying the best he could, and swore to never lie to Virgil. It was comforting that Logan was there, that Roman was just in the other room waiting for them. Patton, the sweet bean who barely even knew Virgil, was there too. He had support. He had people who want to help him. His brain and muscle memory told him that he couldn’t trust them, that they would turn on him when opportunity struck, but he was solid in Logan. Logan wouldn’t let them hurt him. He wasn’t alone.</p>
<p>“Glad I don’ haveta do this alone,” His voice was barely above a whisper, words still slightly slurred with early morning grogginess, “Might take some time to get used to... not being alone.”</p>
<p>“Take as long as you need, Virgil,” Logan reassured him. “Virgil, I believe we all would be more concerned if you changed how you felt quickly. Healing and changing a mindset takes time, but it will be well worth it.”</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t know why, but he slowly opened his arms as an inquiry to hug Logan tightly. He wasn’t sure if it was a hug of thanks or a hug of affection but he didn’t care. Logan was here and ready to help him. Nothing would stand in Logan’s way. Virgil knew that when the oldest boy set his mind to something he would do everything in his power to make it so. That was grounding in a weird way. </p>
<p>Logan wrapped his arms around the lanky boy. Virgil didn’t seek touch often, so when he did, it held a lot of meaning. Usually, Logan would hypothesize why the other wanted the contact, but right now he could care less about that. All that mattered was giving Virgil all the support and love he needed. Logan gently began to card his fingers through the purple hair soothingly. <em>I failed you in keeping you safe sooner, but I will not do so anymore. I will make sure you’re free from harm Virgil. I swear it.</em></p>
<p>Virgil pulled away a moment later, turning to see that there were others in the room. Roman’s gaze still held a flame that was both terrifying and soothing, his body stock still and raised to his full height. Protective. Patton’s eyes held love and understanding, his arms wrapped around himself with a slight bent in his posture. Comforting. </p>
<p>“What do we do now, Logan?” That sounded like Patton, but Virgil couldn’t tell for sure. He was looking at Logan again, eyes fixed on the star necklace that he gave him hanging from the older’s neck. He wondered when that came out from underneath the older’s shirt.</p>
<p>“I believe we should get the information together that we have. There may be gaps in what Roman and I have collected that Virgil might be able to fill in for us. I know it’s painful to speak about, but it will be beneficial.” Logan’s look held an apology. </p>
<p>Virgil breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and nodded. <em>You can do this. Logan will protect you. Last night with Roman wasn’t a dream. He’s there for you too.</em> He tried to psych himself up for what was to come. He could do this. The positive reinforcement that he was trying to give himself felt oddly foreign in his head, but Virgil still tried his best at it. If he were to truly not have to go back home, he needed to talk about this stuff. Virgil needed help. He didn’t want to go back to that godforsaken apartment. He couldn’t.</p>
<p>The four moved to the dining area once again, the papers on the table sorted into piles based on month. The months with excessive amounts of notes were further sorted into weeks, but those only started after July. Virgil was shocked by the sheer amount of data lying along the space available on the circular table. Logan was impressed by how efficiently the two were able to sort things. </p>
<p>As much as Logan wanted to start at the very first piece of paper, he knew that the most important ones were when his data and Roman’s overlapped. “Roman which pile is the first one containing your information?”</p>
<p>“This one.” Roman picked up the July pile for the previous year. “We split the month apart into just your information and when mine started on the 19th.”</p>
<p>“That was an incredibly smart idea,” Logan took the pile and gave an impressed frown-sort of expression. “Patton, would you be willing to take any additional notes?”</p>
<p>“Sure thing,” Roman handed him a composition notebook. “Thanks, Ro.”</p>
<p>The four got to work. Logan and Roman compared information and gently asked Virgil to elaborate if they felt it was needed. Every once in a while Patton would interject when he felt that Virgil was starting to get worried and curl onto himself. Virgil was glad for Patton in those moments. Being asked to relive those parts of his life were hard, the hardest thing he’s ever done, but knowing that the people around him were understanding and wanting to help made it easier. </p>
<p>With one date, things started to slow.</p>
<p>“March 21,” Logan breathed, which made Virgil suck in a sharp breath. That was the worst date. “This is the worst date, to my knowledge.”</p>
<p>“It was… Actually the 20th, a few weeks after I started to shut R... Princey out,” Virgil switched the names mid thought. He didn’t need this to get personal when Roman was sitting across from him. He pulled away from Patton, who let him. He pulled his sleeves further over his hands, then wrapped them around his middle. “He was mad I was skipping classes,” Virgil shook his head and took a deep breath. “It’s the day my mom died too.”</p>
<p>Logan nodded, writing a few things down with a somber but concentrated look on his face. He had that look on his face for a while now. Roman was staring at Virgil, to which Virgil shifted uncomfortably. He removed his gaze and grabbed another piece of paper. Just like that, things started moving faster again.</p>
<p>The only breaks any of them took was when they had to use the restroom, and when Patton insisted they stop for lunch. Virgil only picked at his sandwich that Logan made, considering his stomach was doing flips, but the others understood. Patton tried his best to soothe the lanky boy with smooth tones and light touch. Roman and Logan also gave him words of encouragement throughout the process, of course. All three of them brought their own way of comfort to Virgil. Patton was warm, soft, and gave physical touch. Roman was solid, protective, and gave both touch and many concrete words. Logan was cool, collected, and gave reassuring words. It was a mixture that Virgil needed to get through this.</p>
<p>Around one in the afternoon, the pace was slowing. Virgil was stressed, basically hanging off of Patton as he closed his eyes and recounted why he came to Logan with bruises on his neck and a cut in his side. Roman was stone-faced, something that no one at the table saw regularly, if at all. He was in the middle of a sentence when the unmistakable sound of creaking stairs filled the space.</p>
<p>Immediately, Virgil stopped, Logan stopped writing, and Roman whipped his head around. There was a few more footsteps, and suddenly Roman’s Ma was standing in the entrance to the room.</p>
<p>“Honey?” She asked, confusion entering her features when she saw the four boys surrounding her table.</p>
<p>“Hi, Ma.” Roman said slowly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Virgil hunch onto himself a little. </p>
<p>“What’s going on, Roman?” She asked, noticing all of the papers. </p>
<p>Virgil kept folding in on himself. <em>If she sees any of these papers she’s going to kick you out. She might even kick Roman out for helping you. You can’t risk Roman losing his home. God, Virgil, you’re such a fucking idiot. Why did you believe this was a good idea? She’s going to find out and hate you too. She’ll probably even call your father.</em> Before he knew it he’d started to pull slightly on his hair. </p>
<p>“Just some papers we all worked on for a summer assignment. We wanted to make sure we had everything.” </p>
<p>Andrea raised her eyebrow, not fully believing the story. “Alright,” She said, figuring there was a reason Roman was keeping something from her. “I’m willing to help in any way-”</p>
<p>Logan cut her off, his voice polite but with a tone that left no room for any argument. “Actually that isn’t necessary. We were just collecting the paperwork we needed. Virgil and I will be out of your hair in just a few moments.” He started to pick the papers up, sending a worried glance at Virgil as he did. </p>
<p>Patton caught onto what Logan was doing as he helped the older boy pack the paperwork up by month. “I’ll drive you guys.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Patton. That would be helpful,” Logan pulled his messenger bag onto his shoulder and gently pulled Virgil to his feet. “Come on, Virgil.” </p>
<p>Virgil let Logan pull him away from the kitchen to the main room where they paused to pull on their shoes. It took Virgil a few moments longer than normal due to the daze he was still in. Once he got them on and stood the trio heard another set of footsteps coming down the stairs. Patton looked up and saw Cinthia, Roman’s madre, walking down the stairs. </p>
<p>“Patton?” She asked softly. “Everything alright?”</p>
<p>“Sí. We have to run and do something but I’ll be back.” Patton answered a little quicker than he usually spoke as he held the door for the other two boys. </p>
<p>Logan gently took Virgil by the arm and led him out of the house. Patton waved at Cinthia as he followed and closed the door behind him. Cinthia wore a very confused expression, but heard Roman’s voice in the kitchen. He sounded frustrated, as if he were in denial. In that moment, she decided to see if she could find out what was causing Patton to act so oddly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. twenty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: swearing, blood, scars, mentions of abuse, mentions of an attack with knife, police station, self-destructive thoughts</p>
<p>i kinda melded the "at the police" part into this chapter. when we originally posted it on tumblr, my co-writer posted the "at the police" part in a separate chapter at her blog but since i want to keep this as streamlined as possible I'm just shoe-horning it into the middle of this chapter were it takes place chronologically</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Virgil took a shaky breath once he was outside of the house. Logan looked at him worriedly as he gently lead the younger to Patton’s Kia Soul. Both sat in the back as Patton got in the driver’s seat. Logan kept a hand on Virgil’s arm, putting just enough pressure to be reassuring but not enough to be suffocating. Logan knew that Virgil had nearly shut down at knowing more people could possibly know of his secret. It wasn’t anything for Virgil to be ashamed of but it was still hard for the boy. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Logan.” Virgil said softly as Patton pulled away from Roman’s house, his voice barely above a whisper. </p>
<p>“Of course, Virgil.” </p>
<p>Virgil could feel his heart still beating faster than hummingbird wings. The fear of having an adult he didn’t know be there when he said all the dark secrets he kept hidden for years shook him. It was already going to be hard enough with Logan and Patton. Sweet innocent Patton was going to actually hear horrible stories, not only clarifications. The idea broke Virgil’s heart. No one as pure as Patton should have to know such horrible things. And Logan was going to hear the suffering that Virgil went through that he couldn’t help protect him from, again might he add. Virgil wanted nothing more than to spare them from the heartache, but going back to the apartment was out of the question. </p>
<p>Logan gently squeezed Virgil’s arm gently. “It will be alright, Virgil. We are all here for you.” </p>
<p>“We’ll keep you safe, kiddo.” Patton added from the front seat. </p>
<p>“Indeed. He won’t hurt you again.” </p>
<p>“I wish I shared your confidence.” Virgil said softly, trying to calm his racing heart. He certainly cared for his friends, and they were both smart, but they had no idea what they were talking about. They didn't know how his father could get when he was agitated enough. And this? This certainly would make him the most angry he had ever been. Virgil gulped. He didn’t need to get this worked up right now. He needed to focus on calming himself, considering he was about to talk about everything.</p>
<p>If someone told Virgil a few months ago that this is where he would be, he would have laughed in their face. Nothing about this week had been normal. Nothing, since he cut out Roman and Logan left for school, had been normal either, but this week was a step up from that.</p>
<p>“The police work on facts,” Logan interrupted Virgil’s thoughts. “We have plenty of those. Documented accounts of most of the events will be enough to get him arrested. I know it’s hard but this endeavor will be well worth it.” </p>
<p>“The cops are a lot like you in that case.” Virgil averted his eyes to the window, staring out at the treeline. It was reminiscent of that car drive in the middle of the school year, so long ago.</p>
<p>“What do you mean, Virgil?” Logan asked curiously. </p>
<p>“You both use facts before you act.” </p>
<p>Patton chuckled, but kept his eyes on the road. “Except you’re not as scary, Lolo.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be so sure. When he’s angry, he gets all calm about it. That’s almost more scary,” Virgil took a breath, pausing in his explanation to Patton. “But he’d never take his anger out on anyone who he cares about, unlike some people.”</p>
<p>“That anger was well deserved, and served its purpose, Virgil.” Logan defended, his hand playing with the strap of the messenger bag.</p>
<p>“Never said it wasn’t, Pocket Protector.” There was a playful twinkle in Virgil’s eyes, not like the other two could see it.</p>
<p>Patton was glad that the two could playfully bicker despite how tense they all were. He thought if he could keep it going long enough, it could help calm down Virgil. The normalcy of it should get the emo’s breathing to calm back down. As Logan and Virgil continued talking, Patton’s heart soared at hearing his love and his dark strange son work so well together. Logan always managed to know the right thing to do or say. </p>
<p>“Patton?” Virgil asked, his voice sounding a small bit stronger than before. </p>
<p>Patton glanced back Virgil for a second, not wanting to take his eyes from the road for too long. “What is it, kiddo?”</p>
<p>“Thanks for driving.”</p>
<p>“Of course! I figured being with Logan would be helpful and he couldn’t help you as much if he was driving.” </p>
<p>Logan smiled as his Heart. “Quite right. Plus, having someone who wasn’t directly involved in the care of Virgil will be beneficial as well.”</p>
<p>“How so, Lolo?”</p>
<p>“You don’t know as much detail as Roman and I. You just see the effects, but you don’t know as much of the reasons. You couldn’t make them out to be worse than they may be.”</p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but let a smile creep onto his lips. Logan really did have faith in him, didn't he? “You really think so?”</p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p>“I think it’s a good idea too, Patton.” Virgil told him.</p>
<p>“You do, Virgil?” Patton asked softly.</p>
<p>“Yeah. You can also keep Logan calm if he hears some of the things I never told him. It… it means a lot that you’re here to help us.” There was a slight awkward look to Virgil’s face but Patton could tell he meant it. </p>
<p>“I’m glad you think so, kiddo!” Patton pulled up in front of the police station, parking in a spot near to the door. </p>
<p>“Are you ready, Virgil?” Logan asked him firmly yet with a softness in his tone. </p>
<p>“As I’ll ever be.” Virgil responded as he took a deep breath, slowing beginning to adorn his facade once more. </p>
<p>The three of them carefully got out of the car, with Logan and Patton making sure to grab all of the paperwork they had with them. Virgil stuck his hands in his hoodie pockets, one hand playing with the string that was inside. Virgil was realizing more and more lately how lucky he was that it hadn’t broken yet. Patton gently pressed his shoulder against Virgil’s, letting him know that he was going to be there with him no matter what. With a curt nod of his head and a lean away from Patton, Virgil lead the way into the police department. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Roman watched as the people he cared about most hurried out of the house. He understood Logan’s need to protect Virgil and get him out of the house before Virgil’s darker thoughts could take over. He also understood why Patton went with the other two. It didn’t mean he didn’t feel completely alone facing his mothers. </p>
<p>“Roman, cariño, what is going on?” Cinthia asked her son.</p>
<p>Roman looked up as his madre calling him ‘sweetie’. “It’s a lot, Madre.” </p>
<p>“I’m sure it is,” Andrea said as she sat at the table. “Though I believe you can do your best to explain it to us.” </p>
<p>Roman looked between his mothers, knowing that Cinthia was just as curious as her wife. It was hard to tell them what was going on completely. Roman felt that was Virgil’s place and going behind his back hurt his heart. He also knew, however, that neither of them would let the issue drop until they got an answer of some kind. </p>
<p>“Virgil’s home life is not good. At all. So Patton, Logan, and I have been getting information together to take to the police,” He noticed Andrea’s questioning look at the mention of Logan’s name. “Logan’s Virgil’s best friend, and he’s also dating Patton. Anyway, from what I’ve seen and heard, it’s a lot worse than I knew about. Logan’s known about it a lot longer than I have.” </p>
<p>“A rough home life isn’t ample reason to go to the police, Roman.” Andrea told her son. Cinthia put a calming hand on her wife’s arm, almost as a reminder that this wasn’t a topic to be so strict about. </p>
<p>“I know that. But mental and physical abuse at that house <em>is</em>,” Roman didn’t mean to, but he slammed his hands down on the table harder than he intended. He retracted them to sit in his lap, clenched together to prevent further outburst. “Logan’s documented moments when he’s helped patch Virgil up for years. It escalated pretty badly a few days ago... Worse than Logan or I had ever known,” Roman took a deep breath. “Virgil has pretty bad anxiety attacks, but what I saw last night was the worst one I have ever seen. And what he told me during it? It shook me to the core. Fue peor que nada.” Roman wasn’t entirely sure why he slipped into Spanish. Or why the only part he did was explaining that he’d 'known nothing worse.' </p>
<p>“El pobre chico.” Cinthia said. “Anxiety attacks are something I wish upon no one.” </p>
<p>Roman couldn’t help but smile slightly. His madre had said ‘the poor boy’ after he explained a part of Virgil, which was an understatement, but his madre didn’t know everything Virgil had gone through so he couldn’t blame her. “It’s not even the worst part. He’s gotten hurt by this father… More times than I’d like to count. When he came by a few nights ago, he was bleeding. Logan’s the one who would normally help him, but he was at some smart person college? I can’t remember if it was Yale or Harvard. So Logan sent him to me, knowing I’d find a way to help him. Yesterday morning I called Joan to help, and they had to sew his arm up because the wound was so bad.” </p>
<p>Shock was clear in both of his mothers’s faces for more than one reason, but Roman knew if he stopped talking he wouldn’t be able to finish explaining. “That man had attacked him with a knife. If his fight or flight reflex didn’t kick in as strongly I don’t know what would’ve happened. A cut on his arm is nothing compared to what his father was trying to do.” </p>
<p>Something terrifying flashed in Andrea’s eyes, causing Roman to stop. He’d seen his ma upset before but this was something even worse. If he didn’t know better, Roman would’ve sworn there was actual fire burning in her eyes. Cinthia noticed it as well since she put a gentle hand on her wife’s shoulder and whispered something in her ear. </p>
<p>“He is welcome to stay here to keep him safe from the horrid man. But only until that man is arrested.” Andrea said, though it was clear she was still upset. It was also clear she knew what Roman had been implying. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Ma. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to him. I know it does to me.” Roman was kind of taken back that she’s only letting him stay until his father was arrested but he’s grateful that he’s been able to stay as long as he has.</p>
<p>“You’ve done a wonderful thing, cariño.” Cinthia told her son. “I know I’ve heard you complain about this boy before, but you’ve done well.”</p>
<p>“I’ve learned a lot about him in the last year or so. I understand him better. And… I’m trying to make up for past mistakes as well. I wasn’t the kindest person to Virgil when we were younger.” Shame was written all over Roman’s face. </p>
<p>“As long as you two have spoken about it and are willing to work together to fix the problem, it is progress. And I understand why your other friends didn’t want us to go with them.” </p>
<p>“You do?”</p>
<p>“Yes. They didn’t want people who didn’t know as much to be there and hear all of it.”</p>
<p>“Probably.” Roman thought for a moment. “And Virgil has a hard time opening up to people, even people he knows. He puts up a front. So I think if you went he would act like it was a waste of time and not say anything. He put one up around Patton the first time they met, but Patton can get anyone to love him in no time. The two had a really good heart to heart moment.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Virgil hadn’t placed on the hard exterior he wore almost daily, he would be vibrating in his seat. He shifted his position every once and a while, but was careful not to do it in a way that seemed weak. He was waiting for the detective to come in, worry and fear starting to drill into his mind. He had to keep it together the best he could, but it took everything in Virgil not to jump out of his seat when the door opened. The detective who sat down at the opposite end of the table’s eyes were furrowed, a concerned look on her face only growing as she read the papers before her. She glanced up from the paper she was on to look at Virgil for a moment. He knew that she was doubting that these kinds of things happened to a boy who acted like Virgil.</p>
<p>“Virgil Sanders?” Virgil nodded at the detective. “Hello. I’m Detective Tanya Davis. I was given some papers from one of my colleagues. I was wondering if you would be willing to help me understand them better.”</p>
<p>“S-sure.” <em>She doesn’t believe you Virgil. You being weak like this isn’t helping anything either! Stop being so stupid! No one will believe you. That’s why you’re being asked to explain those papers. You’re a fucking idiot for thinking that anyone would believe you.</em></p>
<p>The papers, in a neat folder probably categorized, were laying face up on the desk. Virgil’s curiosity got the better of him and he looked at the date on one, noticing it was Logan’s neat handwriting. May 13th glared back at him. This was the day his father broke his rib. </p>
<p>Tanya lifted that paper and scanned it, her face never changing expression. In that moment, Virgil was never so happy that he’d put his guard up. He would be shaking in his seat or having a complete breakdown. Instead, he watched the detective closely. Her eyebrows were knitted together as she read. After a few moments, she looked up at Virgil. There was a concerned look in her eyes, but Virgil didn’t notice. He was too busy thinking she was looking at him because she doubted him. </p>
<p>“Mr. Sanders, please explain what happened on May 13th, 2016.” That was not a tone of voice Virgil could disobey. He’d heard Logan use something similar when he was determined to get information out. </p>
<p>“My father broke my rib.” Virgil couldn’t help the coldness in his tone. His hoodie and that tone of voice were two major things that kept his wall up.</p>
<p>“And why would he do that?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t make dinner in time.” </p>
<p>Virgil didn’t miss how her position shifted. “Care to explain more?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Tanya sighed. “Alright. What about what happened on February 23rd of 2012?”</p>
<p>Virgil noticed the time jump. It seemed like she had some of the worst experiences he had. That was the first time he asked Logan to stitch him up. He remembered how freaked out Logan looked when he showed up at his house, bleeding for the second time. The terrified look on young Logan’s face grew worse when Virgil told him his father was pissed because he’d gone to the hospital. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Logan what his father did because of how pissed he was, however. Logan did his best to stop the bleeding while he looked up how to do surgical stitches. They were slow and painful and they left a pretty bad scar but Virgil couldn’t complain. </p>
<p>“I was cut with a broken bottle.” Virgil moved his hands to make his hoodie paws. </p>
<p>“Where were you cut?”</p>
<p>“Arm.” </p>
<p>Tanya was starting to believe Virgil less and less. The vague answers he was giving made it appear to her that he was making it up and giving as little detail as possible to not contradict the detailed stories his friends were able to make up. The other option was that he was under extreme duress and fearing any consequences. She truly hoped for option two but she had to rule out the first one. </p>
<p>“Mr. Sanders. I apologize, but I do not believe you. You’re giving me vague answers, and your fidgeting, and not looking me in the eye. Those are signs of lying.” </p>
<p><em>Of course, she doesn’t believe you. No one is going to fucking believe you, Virgil. You’re such an idiot. And nothing you can do is going to make her change her mind.</em> <strong>No</strong>, for the first time, Virgil wanted to fight against his inner demon. He knew nothing he could say would make her change her mind but there was one thing he could do. But it meant tearing down the wall he built up. </p>
<p>Without giving himself time to back down, Virgil stood quickly, shoving his chair back and as he pulled up his sleeve. He thrust his arm out to the detective almost violently, showing her the patchwork of scars. “Is this something I would fucking make up? Why the fuck would I put myself through the pain of all of these fucking scars just to fucking lie?” Anger fueled his words, as well as fear. “Do you want to see the fucking <em>new</em> stitches on my arm? Or maybe I fucking call the guy who had a doctor friend come out so they can fucking tell you they had to fucking fix me.” Virgil was seething, his nostrils flaring, and eyes wide in anger, fear, and uncertainty.</p>
<p>Tanya didn’t know what to do with the young man in front of her. He looked more like a cornered animal than a person. She also kept her eyes on the array of scars that covered his arm. There wasn’t an inch of skin that didn’t have a scar of some sort. They varied in size from very small, less than a centimeter, to nearly circling his arm. She saw faint ones and more noticeable ones as well. </p>
<p>Despite her shock, something was nagging at her. Suddenly her mind made the connection. <em>He said the new stitches. Holy crap, Tanya. Get it together.</em> She knew she was out of her league with Virgil. She’d never dealt with someone who had gone from one extreme to the other before. She knew that Amanda would be able to help her, so she collected the papers in front of her and stood. “Pardon me a moment, Mr. Sanders.” Tanya walked out of the room. </p>
<p>Virgil stood there for a moment, watching the space the detective just left. All of a sudden, he felt a weight fall over his body. He slumped back into the chair, glad it didn’t tip over when he shoved it back. His whole body began shaking as the adrenaline he felt raced from him. A sob escaped Virgil’s lips, to his surprise. Quickly he pulls his sleeve back down and puts his head in his hands. <em>You got to get it together, Virgil. You can’t be like this. You can’t fucking be weak now.</em> </p>
<p>Virgil was left alone in the room for several minutes, his thoughts eating at him. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, on the other side of the one-way glass, Tanya stood with another woman. They both were watching Virgil intently, but the new woman did so with a cocked head and soft eyes. She studied his mannerisms as he waited, his head in his hands and leg bouncing heavily. When he sat up again, she visually picked apart his nervous fidgeting and small sneers to himself every now and them.</p>
<p>“You think he’s lying about abuse, right?” the woman asked, her voice low and soft.</p>
<p>“Yes. He wouldn’t give me anything but small answers, wouldn’t make eye contact, and kept fidgeting with something inside his pocket. All signs of liars.” Tanya responded, back still rigged.</p>
<p>“Have you thought about how all three of those are also tells of anxiety? Or stress caused by talking about a traumatic experience?”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Was the last thing said between the two women for many moments more before the unknown lady nodded and went for the door.</p>
<p>Suddenly the door opened, causing him to jump. The detective was standing there, but there was another unknown woman as well. The woman was fairly young, no older than thirty. There was one thing that surprised Virgil about her. She didn’t have the same air of authority as the detective. </p>
<p>“Mr. Sanders this is Doctor Amanda Young. She is a behavioral specialist. I believe that she will be able to help us understand each other better to help with the rest of the statement process.” Tanya explained bluntly.</p>
<p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Amanda said softly.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>“Mr. Sanders-”</p>
<p>“Don’t fucking call me that.” Virgil’s tone was cold once again.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” The sincerity in Amanda’s voice surprised Virgil enough to look up at the specialist. “Would you prefer I call you Virgil?” Still stunned, Virgil nodded. “I understand you’ve gone through some pretty extreme circumstances in the past but we’re wanting to help you. I know opening up is hard but it will help you. Talking about traumatic things can help some people move on from them.”</p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t believe that she wanted to help so much. She didn’t even know him. “I’d rather not.”</p>
<p>“Virgil, I know it’s hard to talk about. And I can’t blame you for not wanting to.” Amanda thought for a moment. “We have a few animals around that help relax people during questionings. Would you like me to bring one in?”</p>
<p>“You can do that?” A lot of Virgil’s wall crumbled when he realized the specialist just wanted to help. </p>
<p>Amanda nodded. “A lot of times they come in to help children and people who have bad anxiety over whatever happened. I’d be more than happy to bring one in for you.”</p>
<p>“I-I’d like that.”</p>
<p>“Would you prefer a cat or a dog?”</p>
<p>“Wait, you have a therapy cat? Aren’t cats antisocial?”</p>
<p>“A lot of them are. But Muffin isn’t. She’s actually quite an affectionate cat, which surprises many people.”</p>
<p>“It surprised the fuck out of me.” Virgil was about to ask if she would bring in Muffin but then remembered Ivity telling him that his best friend was allergic. Figuring that friend meant Patton, Virgil decided against it. “Could- could you bring in a dog? One of my friends is allergic to cats and we came in his car.”</p>
<p>“Of course. Just give me one moment.” Amanda stood and walked out of the room.</p>
<p>Virgil slumped against the chair slightly, not completely putting down the wall since Tanya was still in the room. He hoped that the specialist’s kindness wasn’t a trick. Something about the way she spoke to him made him believe she wasn’t that heartless but his dark thoughts were still trying to convince him otherwise. In the back of his mind he remembered that Logan told him on the ride over the police worked on facts. As long as he told them the facts it would work out. That helped calm his racing mind a little. </p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help but jump a little yet again when the door opened. Amanda stood in the doorway with a beautiful dog. The dog was mostly golden in color but there was streaks of gray throughout it’s fur, but it was clear it wasn’t caused by old age. One eye was an icy blue the other was brown. It was obvious that the dog was a Husky mix. Based on the gold color, Virgil guessed that the other part was Golden Retriever. One other thing that caught Virgil’s attention was the raised scar on the muzzle. </p>
<p>“This here is Sasha. She’s a Goberian. That’s a mix of Golden Retriever and Husky. She’s about 5 years old, and she’s a rescue.” Amanda told him. “She’s a loveable little girl and a great hugger.” </p>
<p>Sasha gazed up onto Virgil from where she was, lower to the ground. Her tail started wagging slowly in anticipation, pulling slightly on Amanda’s hold. She could basically feel the anxious energy vibrating off of Virgil, and she wanted to <em>cuddle</em> him and that was <em>final.</em></p>
<p>Virgil moved to the edge of the seat and slowly held his hand down for her. Amanda moved to allow Sasha to sniff his hand. Sasha then licked his hand, then used her muzzle to move it onto the top of her head. A faint smile tugged on Virgil’s lips as he gently scratched her ears. </p>
<p>There was a knock on the door. Tanya moved to answer it as another detective stepped in. “Miss Young, I’m sorry to interrupt but have you seen Sasha? Ria is here to answer some more questions, and she’s scared again and-” They stopped mid sentence when they saw Virgil petting the dog in question. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s quite alright.” Amanda said.</p>
<p>“You should take her to Ria.” Virgil said softly.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry?”</p>
<p>“Ria sounds like she needs Sasha more than I do. They sound like they have a special connection.” </p>
<p>Amanda couldn’t help the pride in her heart at his sacrifice of comfort. However, she felt concern there as well. How often had this young man put aside his needs to keep others safe? “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Virgil nodded. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, sir,” The detective told him. “I know it will mean a lot to her.” </p>
<p>“Come on, Sasha,” Amanda said. “We need to see Ria.”</p>
<p>Sasha didn’t move for a moment, instead pulling free of Amanda’s hold and put her paws on Virgil’s legs. She then licked his face a couple times before dropping back to the ground and going to sit at Amanda’s feet. Virgil couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. Amanda gently took the leash once again and followed the detective out. </p>
<p>Now alone again with just Detective Davis, Virgil made it his mission to find all the scratches on the silver table in front of him. He didn’t want to look up at her, mostly because he was still highly mentally kicking himself for his outburst earlier. He couldn’t believe that he actually showed her his arm, but here he was being stared down like he was some kind of wounded animal. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, determined not to make an outburst like that again. </p>
<p>Moment after moment alone with the detective was still filled with unbearable silence, which made Virgil internally cringe. It was very reminiscent of earlier, before any questions were asked, as Tanya flipped through the papers at her disposal again. Thankfully though, a few moments later the door reopened. This caused Tanya to look over to it, but Virgil kept his gaze mostly on the table before him, arms still crossed in a defensive stance. What he could see out of his peripheral vision, though, was that Dr. Young was standing at the door.</p>
<p>“One moment, I’m helping with getting a statement.” Virgil vaguely was able to hear the doctor say to someone out in the hall. It took several more moments for the door to close again. (Virgil didn’t see this part, but he suspected that she was talking to whoever was in the hall. In reality, half of that time was Amanda not-so-subtly attempting to decipher what Virgil’s body position meant in relation to how he was feeling.)</p>
<p>“So sorry about that,” Amanda softly sat back down at the table, looking very more relaxed then the tension-carrying detective. “Now, Virgil, would you mind just uh,” she paused again, looking at the papers that Tanya held from an odd angle, “Telling me who Logan Brian is?”</p>
<p>Virgil visually slackened at the question. Literally, he struggled, fell into even worse posture in the chair, and removed his arms across his shoulders. He put his hands back in his pocket, back where the thick ever-so-trusting fiddling string was. “He’s my best friend. More like a brother. Helped me with… he made the notes and shit in real time.”</p>
<p>Tanya nodded her head along with Virgil, pursing her lips and taking mental note of that. She assumed that the papers she got was his own handwriting from merely a few days prior, recording the injuries that happened to him. Evidently, she was wrong. “Any connection to James Arthur Brian? The lawyer?” Tanya asked in the realization that she hadn’t actually paid any mind to this Logan character.</p>
<p>“His dad.” Virgil was back to the shortest answers he could possibly give. He felt even more uneasy now, considering the fact that Tanya seemed to have some sort of emotions toward Mr. Brian. Or at least, that’s what her voice sounded like. Did he ever talk about him to her? The bully and closed off freak who was best friends with his son?</p>
<p>Without any sort of warning at all, a small creature jumped into Virgil’s lap. He started panicking momentarily, throwing his arms into the air and over his face as an instinctive reaction. He took several hyperventilation breaths in quick succession, before his brain caught up with his still open eyes. There, in his lap, looking innocently up at him was a fairly chubby grey tabby cat. Their soft green eyes looked up at Virgil as if to say, ‘Are you okay? Did I scare you? You done panicking?’ </p>
<p>“Oh!” Amanda laughed, a smile on her lips at the antics of the cat. She did, however, file away Virgil’s initial reaction to the tabby jumping up on his lap, as did Tanya. “Virgil, this is Muffin. She basically roams free in the precinct, so she must have slipped in.”</p>
<p>Virgil, on the other hand, was not paying attention to Amanda. His eyes were locked on with the cat’s, staring deep into them. The thing was, the cat was staring back. She moved her head so the top of it could brush against Virgil’s elbow. It was then that he realized that his arms were still up in defence around his face. Slowly, he lowered them, awkwardly hanging them at his sides. What was he supposed to do with his hands when a cat was in his lap? Muffin apparently picked up on this, as she got herself settled on his lap, then looked back up at him with a questioning meow. When Virgil didn’t do whatever the cat must have wanted, she meowed again, but this time louder.</p>
<p>“She wants pets.” Tanya stated the normally coo-esk type statement as a fact, but there was no denying that there was a small smile toying on the sides of her lips.</p>
<p>Virgil, still with a heavily furrowed brow, began to brush his fingers through Muffin’s medium-length fur. He let a ghost of a smile flash on his lips, a rush of joy jolting through him. It had been a while since he pet a cat, and it reminded him of soft autumn days. He continued to pet the animal who now looked very comfortable sitting on Virgil’s black jeans.</p>
<p>“Virgil. Would you please tell me what happened on May 13th?” Amanda’s voice was gentle but firm. </p>
<p>Virgil took a deep breath and stared down at the table in front of them. He tried to find his voice several times before he could say anything. As he was about to give up he felt a rough wetness on the palm of his hand. Looking down, Virgil noticed that the cat was licking his hand. There was still a knowingness in those green eyes that showed the cat knew what it was doing was calming. Virgil took another deep breath and tried again. “I had gotten home from school late. I had to stay after to finish an assignment,” Virgil was amazed as how strong his voice seemed once he was able to start talking. He guessed the little animal in his hands helped. “When I walked in the door, my father was standing in the kitchen. He heard the door and turned to me, moving to stand right... right in front of me. He demanded to know where I was because dinner hadn't been started yet, but told him that I had to do something for school and it would never happen again but.. he grabbed my arm really tight and, and shook me. He told me that it’d better not ever happen again if I knew what was ‘good’ for me. I said again that it wouldn’t happen again but... Then he threw me down against the edge of the doorframe. I felt a horrible pain in my side. It was nearly so bad that I might have blacked out for a few seconds?” Virgil paused, but was spurred on by Muffin rubbing her head against Virgil’s hand. Her presence and movements was making it easy to distract himself from what he was talking about.</p>
<p>“But I couldn’t for longer than that. He was waiting for dinner. So I struggled against the nausea to make something. When he got his food, and when the dishes were done of course, I snuck out and walked a little bit from my house before calling Logan. I asked if he could come get me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to make that walk without blacking out fully. He told me to find somewhere to sit that wasn’t the ground--I did, eventually--and he’d be there as fast as he could. He came and picked me up to take me back to his house, checked me over the best he could, and learned how to wrap ribs to ease the pain and help with the healing. He knew that uh.. That he couldn’t take me to the hospital.”</p>
<p>“Why couldn’t he take you to the hospital?” Tanya asked, her voice more like soil now than sand.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t afford it. And the one time I did go to get stitches, I used my insurance card and my father found out.”</p>
<p>“What happened when he found out?” Virgil didn’t answer her, instead just focusing on where Muffin liked to be pet the most.</p>
<p>Amanda put a hand out to stop Tanya from saying anything else. “Virgil, take your time. If it’s easier you can tell it to the cat,” Virgil couldn’t help the chuckle of disbelief. “You’d be amazed how easy that is if you’d just try it.”</p>
<p>Looking down at the gray ball of fur curled up on his lap, Virgil felt like he could actually tell this cat anything and it would know what to do. <em>You’re fucking insane for considering talking to a cat.</em> “He ripped the stitches out. He didn’t physically do it himself, but he made me keep moving my arm to try and protect myself until they ripped.”</p>
<p>Amanda’s face was full of concern and pity. Virgil hated seeing the pity in other people's eyes towards him. He kept his eyes trained on the cat, petting her as a way to distract himself. </p>
<p>“Mr S- I’m sorry, Virgil. Would you tell us about February 23rd?” Tanya asked, her voice still firm but less demanding than before. </p>
<p>Virgil closes his eyes for a moment. “He… he broke a whiskey bottle on the, on the counter and came after me with it. He said my, he said that my music was too loud. But I had headphones in. It, It couldn’t have been that loud.” He felt Muffin’s tongue against his arm followed by a loud purr. </p>
<p>“Then what happened?”</p>
<p>“He c-… he cut me with the bottle. Along my forearm. I-I ran to Logan... House, Logan’s house, the first chance that I, that I got,” Virgil felt the tightness in his chest as the memory of Logan’s expression flashed in his mind once again. “I told him that I couldn’t go to the hospital again,” Virgil heard the quickness of his voice and tried to slow down his speech. “He looked so panicked. I couldn’t blame him; It was something that, that needed stitches. But Logan, he’s… he’s smart and doesn’t like being told something can’t be done. So he uh, he took me to his room and pulled up some, some videos on how to do surgical stitches. He tried to make everything as sanitary as possible. He soaked things in hot water or in… fuck,” Virgil paused his petting of Muffin to make a pathetic gesture with his uninjured arm. “The shit that comes in a brown bottle? It’s kind of square-ish shaped.”</p>
<p>“Peroxide?” Amanda supplied.</p>
<p>“That’s the stuff. Logan was as careful and, and fucking meticulous as he could be, but it wasn’t that good. It did its job, but it wasn’t clean. Or straight, really. That, that’s what caused the most raised scar.”</p>
<p>For some reason, Virgil couldn’t bring himself to look at the detective or specialist. Instead, he focused his eyes on the gray puffball that was now sleeping soundly in his lap. However, in doing so, he missed the look that Amanda gave Tanya. Tanya knew that look well. It was basically a look of “told you so”. Amanda had been right about Virgil not lying since what he was saying matched up with the notes given. </p>
<p>“Excuse me for a moment.” Tanya stood and walked out the door. </p>
<p>Virgil closed his eyes when he heard the door close, almost as if his last chance of being taken seriously had left with the detective. <em>She still doesn’t believe you Virgil. How fucking stupid are you for thinking she would? She made up her mind the minute she saw you. Fucking idiot. Stupid.</em> He squeezed his eyes closed even tighter. </p>
<p>“Virgil,” Amanda’s soft voice started Virgil enough to look up at her. “Would you take a deep breath for me? I know this has to be terrifying and a lot for you.”</p>
<p>“That’s a fucking understatement of the year.” Virgil shot back, but doing as she requested. </p>
<p>“But I believe that you’re not lying.”</p>
<p>“You do?” Don’t get your fucking hopes up. This is a rouse you fucking idiot. </p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tanya stood in an empty conference room with two other detectives. “Thank you for meeting me here.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” One of the detectives, a stocky woman with her black hair pulled into a bun answered. “What Mr. Brian told me was surprising and concerning. So seeing how his story lined up would be interesting.”</p>
<p>“Mr. Heart didn’t know much it seemed. However, he informed me he’d only met Mr. Sanders a few days ago.” The last detective said. They were tall and slender with sandy-blond hair and icy gray eyes that pierced through nearly anyone’s persona. </p>
<p>“Alex, did Mr. Heart say anything about the first time Mr. Brian stitched Mr. Sanders up?”</p>
<p>“He did. He said that he noticed a very jagged and raised scar on Mr. Sanders’ arm. He knew that Mr. Sanders didn’t want to speak about any of his scars so he texted Mr. Brian about it.” </p>
<p>Tanya nodded, knowing from Virgil that it was his most raised scar. “And what about you, Betty? What did you find out?”</p>
<p>“Mr. Brian was very detailed about that day. He explained how Virgil, sorry, Mr. Sanders had once again shown up at his door bleeding. It was only the second time he’d gone to his house. He explained how Mr. Sanders had has an extreme panic attack over going back to the hospital, during so he incoherently stuttered about punishment for going the last time. Mr. Brian then explained how he did the best to put pressure on the wound while he looked up information using websites and videos on how to do surgical stitching. He soaked everything that he used, the needle and thread in hot water and peroxide as well as some gauze used to clean the wound. He tried to be as careful and precise as possible, but it was his first time so it didn’t heal properly.”</p>
<p>“What about you, Tanya?” Alex inquired. “Does what he told you match up to what Mr. Sanders said himself?”</p>
<p>“After calling in Amanda and Muffin sneaking in and sitting on Mr. Sanders’s lap I got a straight story out of him. And it matches up.”</p>
<p>“If you want, Betty and I can go make the arrest while you finish up your interrogation.” Alex offered. </p>
<p>“Thank you. I think that would be best.” </p>
<p>They nodded and left to get the keys to the cruiser. Betty put a hand on Tanya’s arm as she went to follow. With a sigh, Tanya returned to the interrogation room. She stood outside of the one-way mirror and watched Amanda and Virgil. Virgil was watching the sleeping cat intently while Amanda was watching him just as intently. After a few moments, she walked back inside. </p>
<p>This time Virgil didn’t jump as bad when the door opened. Maybe it was because of the quiet animal still sleeping on his lap. He still didn’t look up at the detective when she walked in and sat next to the specialist. Amanda looked at Tanya and raised an eyebrow. </p>
<p>Tanya nodded her head slightly. “Mr. S- Virgil. We compared what Mr. Heart and Mr. Brian have said and your story matches. Right now we have two detectives on their way to arrest your father.” </p>
<p>Virgil’s eyes shot up to stare at Detective Davis. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard her correctly. No way anyone would believe him enough to go and take action against his father. There was no possible way that would happen. But in the way she was watching Virgil, he believed she wasn’t trying to manipulate him. Which meant that what she said was the truth. </p>
<p>“Y-y-you are?” He asked, hating how weak his voice sounded. </p>
<p>Tanya nodded. “We’ll have to do some follow-up interviews but I believe we have done enough for today. Thank you Amanda for your help as well.” </p>
<p>“You’re welcome. And if you want Virgil, I can try and have Muffin come into the room for your next interview.” </p>
<p>Virgil gave a small nod. “I-if it’s not a bo-bother.” </p>
<p>“Not at all. She roams around but usually, she knows when someone needs her.”</p>
<p>Virgil moved the sleeping cat in his arms before standing. Very gently he placed her onto the chair and turned to go. Remembering something just as his hand touched the handle, he turned and looked at Amanda. “Do you have the um...fuck. The shit that gets the hair off?”</p>
<p>A small smile played on Amanda’s face. “I do. Let me grab it for you.” She stood and left the room, returning a few moments later with a roll of the tape. “Here you are.”</p>
<p>“Thanks” Virgil got to work removing as much of the hair as he could before walking out into the hallway where his friends were waiting. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Logan was pacing up and down the hallway of the police station. The three of them had been there for over three hours. Logan logically knew that Virgil being asked to give details would be a long process since he knew more than anyone about what happened, but it didn’t stop Logan from worrying. Both he and Patton has already been interrogated and given their statements; they were just waiting on Virgil to finish. </p>
<p>Patton watched helplessly as Logan continued to pace. He tried several times to get his boyfriend <em>(Where they boyfriends?? They hadn’t had that talk yet, but Patton let this thought slip)</em> to sit and take a deep breath but none of his tries lasted long. Logan was too worried to sit still. Even when Patton had managed to get the other to sit his leg bounced with nervous energy. He couldn’t suppress the sigh that escaped him. </p>
<p>“Lolo. I know you’re worried about the kiddo. I am too but he’s going to be okay.”</p>
<p>“Of course he is. There is an armed police officer in the room with him. We’d be in far more danger out here due to the fact that they’d have to walk down this hall before they got to the room Virgil’s in.”</p>
<p>“Logan, I didn’t mean physically okay.”</p>
<p>Logan stopped and looked at his Heart. “You meant emotionally and mentally?” He saw Patton nod before he rubbed his face. “You do not know that. You saw him just telling small parts of it. This has to be excruciating for him. He’s having to relive every horrible thing that was done to him in detail. You have no idea what that might do to his psyche.”</p>
<p>“You’re right. I don’t know. But I know that he’s going to have wonderful emotional support from the people he cares about when he walks out of that room. And also from Roman when we get back. He’s strong. He’ll get through this.”</p>
<p>“Patton, I want to believe you… but I don’t know if I can. Not this time.” </p>
<p>Patton stood and held Logan’s hand in his. “Lo. Logically. If someone has gone through everything Virgil’s gone through and not broken, do you think this will break them? Finally getting even a sliver of hope?”</p>
<p>Logan stared at Patton’s face. There was clearly worry in his expression but something else as well. Something Logan didn’t understand. With a sigh he answered the other’s question. “No. I do not think that finally receiving that bit of hope will break Virgil. That doesn’t mean I’m not worried.”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t be a good friend if you weren’t worried. I’m worried too, but I know he’ll pull through. But I think getting him something that makes him feel safe and at home would be helpful. Maybe a warm cocoa and a muffin.” </p>
<p>Though Logan didn’t fully understand how a warm drink and pastry was supposed to make someone feel safe, he understood that Patton was thinking of how to make someone happy. He also had to admit that a warm drink did help his nerves calm slightly during his own slight bouts of anxiety. He squeezed Patton’s hand gently. “I believe that would be beneficial to us all.” </p>
<p>Patton smiled widely and just stayed with Logan. The two stayed close for the next hour and a half before the door to the interrogation room opened. Logan’s eyes shot towards it, concern clear on his face. Patton held his love’s hand again as he saw Virgil walk out, his eyes red from crying. He put his sleeve-covered hands up to his face, wiping at his cheeks, before he began to scan the area for his friends.</p>
<p>Logan, already a step in front of Virgil, hurried over to his honorary brother, putting his arm around him to lead him back over to Patton as he said, “Je suis là pour t'aider, mon frère.” <em>I’m here to help, brother,</em> again.</p>
<p>Virgil nodded and sat on the bench, speaking softly in French, “Je sais que vous êtes.” <em>I know you are.</em> He felt slightly bad speaking in French, because now Patton was way out of the loop.</p>
<p>Patton scooted closer to Virgil on the bench, the probably emotionally drained boy now sandwiched between his two friends. “I’m proud of you kiddo.”</p>
<p>“You are?” </p>
<p>“Mhmm.” Patton answered with a nod. “You powered through the fear of coming here, and you talked to the people who can help you. That took a lot of strength.”</p>
<p>“Indeed.” Logan agreed. “You showed a great deal of determination and power. I am proud of you as well.” </p>
<p>Virgil wiped his sweater paw across his face to dry any newly forming tears that may or may not be noticeable. “Thank you.” Good, that sentence didn’t get boggled in his head.</p>
<p>“Of course. Is there anything we can do to help you right now?”</p>
<p>“Just… give me a… a…” Virgil paused, and seemed to be searching for a word. “Fuck, a minute, that’s the word.”</p>
<p>“Of course, Virgil. Take as long as you need. We’ll be over by the door.” Logan stood up slowly as he spoke, taking Patton’s arm to lead him further down the hall towards the door. </p>
<p>“Logan, do you think it’s a good idea to leave him?” Patton asked as he looked back at Virgil over his shoulder. He had his eyes closed and looked to be breathing deeply.</p>
<p>“I believe that he still needs a few moments to regain himself. We’ll be close enough to hear him if he needs us but far enough to give him his privacy.”</p>
<p>“Okay…” </p>
<p>“I know you’re concerned, but it is as you said. He’s finally gotten an actual sliver of hope. It’s a lot for him at this moment, but when he’s gotten his own emotions under control again, you can see if he wishes to be hugged.” </p>
<p>“It’s hard not being able to just hug him. I know he’s not the biggest on touch.”</p>
<p>“I know, Patton. But if he needs it, he’ll seek it.”</p>
<p>Logan tentatively hugged the shorter boy, figuring that the comfort would be good for Patton. Patton hugged back tightly, burying his face into Logan’s shirt. As much as the closeness and tightness of the hug made Logan uncomfortable, he pushed his own emotions aside so he could focus on Patton’s. He didn’t want to cause more distress to the other by having two people around him not comfortable with his form of affection and comfort. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Lolo.” Patton said into Logan’s shirt. </p>
<p>“Anything for you.”</p>
<p>The two stayed like that for a while, until a cough from behind them broke them out of their little world where it was just the two of them. “I can come back in a minute if you two want.”</p>
<p>Patton’s head moved from Logan’s chest to look at Virgil, smiling gently. “It’s okay, kiddo. We were thinking of maybe getting something warm to drink and a pastry on the way home.”</p>
<p>“That sounds… nice actually.”</p>
<p>“I know of a really good bakery we can go to! It’s called the Mismatched Cafe if you’re interested?” </p>
<p>Logan smiled fondly at the excitement Patton expressed. “Shall we go then, Virgil?”</p>
<p>Virgil nodded and pushed the front door open, Patton and Logan following behind him. The three resumed the arrangement in the car that they had on the way to the station. Patton pulled away from the curb and cautiously made his way to the bakery. </p>
<p>Virgil sat quietly, one hand playing with the trusty string in his hoodie pocket. Even though he was able to talk about everything, he was extremely worried about what would happen in the future. If his father escaped being arrested, then Virgil would be hunted down. But if that happened, Virgil wouldn’t be the only one who got hurt.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. twenty one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: body image issues, self-destructive thoughts, eating disorder/starving purposefully, negative thoughts about body, mild panic attack, talk of court hearings and trials, mild talk of parental abuse, a lot of swearing</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman was looking at himself in the bathroom mirror. He’d gotten out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist and froze when he saw his reflection. He knew that he’d gain a little when because Virgil was making him eat at least two full meals a day, but what he saw was ridiculous. It was like he’d eaten nothing but butter, potato chips, and cake for the last week. He’d gained so much weight. </p>
<p>He couldn’t see his collarbones anymore. Roman ran his hands over where they once were. He could still feel them, but they weren’t as noticeable as before. Next Roman moved his hands to his face and squished it. There was far more chub to his cheeks than before. </p>
<p>Roman felt his breathing getting faster as his mind started racing. <em>Roman, you fucking idiot! How could you let yourself eat that much food?! Look at yourself! You’ll never lose any of that back. You’ll be this ugly mess of a man forever now. Damn it, Roman!</em> Slowly Roman sank to the floor and held his arms around his waist, trying to squeeze it in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Virgil just finished with a court hearing to decide his fate. He found out that nothing would be set in stone until after the trial. However, he had no relatives to move in with while his father was in prison, so that left two options. He owed Patton more than anything because without him saying that his family would be willing to take Virgil in, he would’ve ended up in the foster care system. That idea scared him senseless because he’d never get out. Who would have wanted a teen as fucked up like him?</p>
<p>Virgil sighed as he unlocked the door to Roman’s house, glad that Roman had lent him the key before his hearing. It felt weird walking into the house without Roman next to him. Almost like he didn’t belong there. He looked around the bottom floor to tell Roman the news. When he didn’t see Roman downstairs he decided to head upstairs to the room he was staying in to start folding his clothes and tell him after.</p>
<p>Once he got to the top of the stairs he could faintly hear sobs from the other side of the closed bathroom door. He didn’t see the other car in the driveway--just Roman’s in the street--so he knew Roman was the only one home. Virgil quickly rushed to the door and knocked on it, his anxiety going through the roof. </p>
<p>“Princey?” He listened but the only noise that answered him was a choked sob. His hand grasped the gold doorknob handle. “Ro, I’m coming in.” </p>
<p>Virgil quickly turned the doorknob and rushed inside, glad that it was unlocked. His heart broke when he saw Roman curled in on himself on the floor. He rushed to the other boy’s side and kneeled next to him. Hesitantly, he put his hands on Roman’s shoulders like Logan often did to him. He tried to quell the awkward feeling rising in his stomach brought on by Roman’s shirtless shoulders.</p>
<p>“Princey. Look at me.” Roman shook his head, still crying and still facing the ground. He said something, but it was too faint for Virgil to understand. “Ro, please. You need to look at me. I need to know what’s wrong.” Virgil hated how his voice broke on the word ‘please,’ but he didn’t care. Roman needed help.</p>
<p>Slowly, as if doing the action in water, Roman lifted his head just enough that he could look at Virgil from under his wet hair. “You don’t wanna look at my ugly face.” Roman mumbled, barely loud enough to be heard. </p>
<p>Virgil felt his heart break once again. “Roman,” he started, voice almost wavering. The name felt odd on his tongue, but a good kind of odd. “Your face is not ugly.”</p>
<p>“Yes, it is!” Roman screamed. Virgil was taken back by the sudden change but did not move. “It’s hideous and fat! I’m fucking fat, Virgil! Look at me! You can’t see my fucking collar bones anymore and my fucking face is huge and you can see my stomach and I don’t have any fucking abs anymore and it’s all just <em>ugly</em>!” </p>
<p>“It is not ugly, Princey, nor are you fat. You’ve started eating regularly. After so long of you starving yourself your body thinks it’s going to happen again, so it tries to fight that. Fuck, I wish I knew as much as Logan right now. He’d be able to explain why better than me. I looked it up before, and your body holds onto the fat for a while after you stop starving yourself so it can burn it later if you stop eating again. But once it realizes you’re eating regularly without starving it, it’ll burn that fat away. You don’t have to starve yourself to look thin. Just give your body time.”</p>
<p>“I don’t have that time! Damn it, Virgil, you don’t get it! I have to look good because it’s how I’m supposed to as the Prince! This this this useless ugly flab is going to ruin that!” Tears were streaming down Roman’s face. </p>
<p>Virgil didn’t know how to help his friend. He knew that he wanted to because he cared deeply for him, maybe even loved him in a way. Closing his eyes, Virgil tried to remember how Logan helped him through a freakout. Right now he just hoped he would find a way to help Roman like he’d been helped. </p>
<p>“Roman. Roman, I want you to take a deep breath for me okay? Do you think you can do that?” Virgil watched as Roman tried to take one but it came out shaky. “It’s okay Roman. Roman, we can do it again. I’m going to count it out with you okay? Ready?” </p>
<p>Roman watched his friend help him through the breathing exercise that he had used to help calm Virgil down. It was slow going, every few breaths at first, Roman would let a sob escape. Virgil never seemed upset by that. He just kept reassuring that it would be okay and went back to counting. Eventually Roman was able to do one full set without sobbing, then a second. </p>
<p>After the fifth cycle of breathing Virgil smiled at Roman. “Good job.” Gently he used his sweater paw to wipe the tears off the other man’s face. “You did really good, Roman.” </p>
<p>Roman couldn’t help but sniff. “Thank you.” He said softly. </p>
<p>“Of course, Sir Sings-a-lot.” There was a faint smile tugging on Virgil’s lips. “Look, I know that dealing with… shit, what does Logan call them? Cognitive… something. Fuck,” Roman couldn’t help but smile at how flustered Virgil was getting. “Anyway, it’s when your brain makes something out to be worse than it really is. Dealing with that is really hard, and I’m not expecting you to be better right now, but I want you to know that you are not ugly or fat. Yes, you’ve put on a couple pounds, but that’s your body trying to prepare to starve again. If you keep eating regularly your body will see that it doesn’t have to store those pounds anymore and it will be used up. </p>
<p>“You’ll be looking like your stunning Princely self in no time,” Virgil’s heart beat slightly faster as he said that for a reason unknown to him. “But you have to keep eating how you have been. I know it’ll be hard but trust me. It will be worth it.” </p>
<p>Roman couldn’t help but admit his heart did a flip at Virgil calling him ‘stunning’. “How do you know it’ll go away?”</p>
<p>“Dude, I’m not Logan. I don’t have a list of reasons ready at the drop of a hat. But I looked into what your body does while combating an eating disorder before I knew you were Ivity. I wanted to know as much about what you were going through to help as much I could... Your body stores the fats of any food you eat so it has something to burn off when you stop eating again. That’s why everything looks worse than it actually is. But it will get burnt off when your body realizes that it doesn’t need to store it anymore.” </p>
<p>“How long do you think that will take?” Roman asked tentatively, shifting on the floor. As he became very aware that he was in nothing but a towel, a blush rose to his face.</p>
<p>Virgil noticed the blush but didn’t realize why. He’d forgotten about it himself. “It depends on you. If you keep eating like we have been, a couple weeks? If you go back to starving for any period of time it’ll be longer. But I’m going to be here to help you through it.” He gently moved his hand down to be reassuringly on Roman’s arm. In doing so his eyes were drawn to Roman’s body. As it dawned on him again why Roman was blushing, he couldn’t help but blush as well. </p>
<p>The two boys sat flustered on the bathroom floor for a few moments. Roman was the first to speak. “Thank you, Virgil.”</p>
<p>“Of course, Princey. It’s the least I could do after you pulled me back from several attacks. Sorry I wasn’t better at it.”</p>
<p>Roman shrugged. “You didn’t know what would help me. And you tried which means a lot. Sorry for snapping at you.”</p>
<p>“‘S okay. Logan’s heard what he’s deemed as my ‘demon voice’ a couple times when there was a really bad attack so I think it’s more normal.”</p>
<p>“Your ‘demon voice?’” Roman asked, raising his eyebrow. </p>
<p>“He said it sounds like my voice gets lower when I’m dealing with some really bad stuff. I can’t tell the difference but I guess Logan can.” </p>
<p>“Interesting,” Roman commented, remembering something similar happening during Virgil’s worst attack. “I don’t want to hear that more than once.”</p>
<p>“What, scared?” Virgil teased him. “I thought Princes were supposed to deal with scary things?”</p>
<p>“Ha. Ha.” Roman answered sarcastically with a smile before looking more serious. “I don’t want to know what it sounds like again because I don’t want you to have an attack that bad again.” </p>
<p>Virgil’s jaw dropped open for a minute. “Uh… I…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. I know you were trying to get me to smile. And it worked.” </p>
<p>“Good.” </p>
<p>“Now if you don’t mind I’m going to go change and you can tell me how your court hearing went.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sounds good.” </p>
<p>Virgil scrambled to his feet and offered Roman a hand. Roman accepted it and got to his feet, his other hand holding the towel in place. After both were standing Virgil let go of Roman’s hand and rushed out of the room, his cheeks still faintly rosy. What he couldn’t see was the tint on Roman’s face as well as he walked to his bedroom to change. </p>
<p>Roman closed the door to his room and sighed. He knew that Virgil was right, but it was still hard. He felt gross in his own body. Quickly he got dressed, putting on one of his baggier shirts. Once that was done he walked back into the bathroom to hang the towel back up. With a sigh, he turned and faced the mirror. </p>
<p>Without knowing why Roman gently poked at his cheeks and then his stomach. “It will be alright, Roman.” He said softly under his breath, hoping that saying the words out loud would make them come true. “You’ll be ok. You’ll be skinny again. Patton will still love you like this. Virgil will still care for you. He already proved that.” With a deep breath, Roman squared his shoulders and walked out of the bathroom towards his brother’s old room. Gently he knocked on the open door. </p>
<p>Virgil looked up from his folding. “Hey. Come on in.”</p>
<p>“Hey.” Roman walked in and gently sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb any of the folded clothes. “Want some help?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>“Alright. No point in turning down the help.” The two worked in silence for several minutes. Roman was worried about what Virgil found out at the hearing but he wasn’t sure how to ask. Virgil wanted to tell Roman the good news about Patton’s family taking him in, but he figured the monotonous task would help calm him.</p>
<p>Finally Roman’s curiosity got the better of him. “Hey, Virge?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“How did the thing go?”</p>
<p>“It went okay. I found out nothing is set in stone but for now, I’m away from him since he’s in jail.”</p>
<p>“That’s awesome, Virgil,” Roman’s relief was clear. “Wait. Where are you going to go then? Are you going into the system?” Panic was showing again. He hated that he couldn’t help. His mothers knew that he felt strongly for Virgil, but they were worried that if he stayed for much longer, there would be constant “alone time” between them. </p>
<p>Virgil shook his head. “Thankfully no. If no one had offered to take me in I would’ve, but Patton’s family is going to take me in. They said they’ll have a small bed ready for me in Patton’s room tomorrow and that I can have the couch tonight.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad that his family is willing to take you in. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay here. My moms were being ridiculous in their reasoning, but there’s no arguing with them.”</p>
<p>“It’s alright, Roman. Honestly. The fact they let me stay for so long means a lot.”</p>
<p>“Still,” He saw Virgil shrug. “Anyway, you’ll like spending that much time with Patton. I think.”</p>
<p>“It’ll be tiring, but I think I’ll get used to it. I like Patton so it’s a bonus.”</p>
<p>“You’ll get used to his excitement.” The worry Roman had throughout the day was finally gone. He knew that Patton would be able to help Virgil and keep him safe. “And I’m glad you like him.” </p>
<p>“Even if I didn’t, I would be seeing a lot of him between you and him being best friends and him and Logan being together.”</p>
<p>“Fair point. So it really is a bonus that you like him.”</p>
<p>Virgil nodded. “I owe him a lot. If he didn’t talk his family into taking me in I would’ve ended up in the system until I was eighteen. No one would want someone so fucked up.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that. And you’re not that fucked up.” Roman became defensive when the other boy scoffed. “You’re not.”</p>
<p>“Seriously, Princey? The guy who has anxiety and panic attacks basically every day isn’t fucked up? If I’m not fucked up then I don’t know who is.”</p>
<p>“You have effects of your life showing themselves. Honestly, if anyone went through what you did and didn’t have some pretty bad anxiety, I’d think they would be pretty messed up. You have the anxiety because of what you went through. What was it Patton told you? ‘Scars are a tapestry of our experiences’ I think it was. Think of your anxiety as another scar. It shows you that you survived a horrible experience.”</p>
<p>“Well aren’t you one for turning manure into flowers.”  Virgil said dryly, though he couldn’t help but feel a little bit better about his anxiety. </p>
<p>“It’s a gift.” Roman replied with a small smile tugging on the corner of his lips. “Seriously, I think you’re less fucked up than I am.”</p>
<p>“Okay, now that is a load of fucking shit, Ro.” </p>
<p>“I don’t think it is.”</p>
<p>“You feel the way you do because that’s how society has made you feel. If you can’t see your ribs and collarbones and don’t have a six-pack, you’re not handsome. But they’re wrong. And what you’re feeling isn’t bad or stupid. You’re going against what others have shoved down your throat for years and it’s even harder for you since you’re working in the part of society that idolizes that look. But you can still be handsome without looking that way. Patton doesn’t fit that mold and yet Logan gets all tongue-tied around him.”</p>
<p>“That’s because Patton is easy to love.”</p>
<p>“Not in the same way. You don’t love Patton the same way Logan does.”</p>
<p>Roman shrugged. “I still don’t like how I am.”</p>
<p>“No one really likes who they are. But with time they learn to accept who they are. I know I’m a fucked up person with horrible anxiety and scars covering my body. And for a long time, I thought the scars were ugly and just made me even worse than I already was.” Virgil raised his hand to stop Roman from protesting. “But you and Patton are helping me see that I’m more than my scars. That they don’t show who I am. Just like you not liking your body doesn’t show who you are. And with support and time, you’ll learn to accept it. Besides, it’s nicer to hug someone who doesn’t feel like a skeleton.”</p>
<p>Roman couldn’t argue with Virgil’s last comment. He enjoyed Patton’s hugs immensely, partially due to the fact that there was more to hug and that he flowed warmth and comfort. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he wondered if he was nicer to hug now. Patton would tell him he was always nice to hug though so Roman didn’t know if he’d ever get the true answer. </p>
<p>“Maybe...” <em>Roman you know you’ll never accept yourself, why even lie?</em></p>
<p>“You will, Princey. Just give it time.” Virgil looked at Roman intensely. “To quote Patton, ‘you’re stronger than you seem.’ Just keep moving forward.”</p>
<p>“You don’t play fair, Virgil. You turned Patton’s words on me.”</p>
<p>“You started it. I’m just returning the favor.”</p>
<p>The duo finished folding the clothes in silence. Virgil gently put them into the backpack that Patton lent him. He put the PJs on the top as a reminder to wash and return them to Roman as soon as he could. As much as Roman was glad Virgil was staying with Patton he didn’t want to let the emo leave. He enjoyed spending time with Virgil and having him around. It helped pushed Roman’s fears away knowing that he could protect the lanky boy if he needed. Roman knew that he was safe at Patton’s at well but it didn’t make it easier. </p>
<p> “-ey. Ivity.” Virgil’s voice broke through to Roman.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. What?”</p>
<p>“I said Patton was talking about doing brunch tomorrow to celebrate getting a roommate.”</p>
<p>“Oh. That would be fun.”</p>
<p>“I thought it would be nice.” Just then the doorbell rang. “That’s probably Patton.”</p>
<p>“I’ll walk you down.”</p>
<p>Virgil picked up the backpack and stood up. Roman stood a moment later and lead the way out of the room into the main floor. Virgil put the bag down to grab his shoes as Roman opened the door.</p>
<p>“Hi, Ro!” Patton greeted cheerfully.</p>
<p>“Hey, Pat. Virge is just getting his shoes on.” Roman moved to let the younger boy in.</p>
<p>Patton stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. “I’m pretty sure that Virgil already told you but I was thinking of you, me, Virgil and Logan going out for brunch tomorrow to celebrate. Plus I think it’d be a nice way to kind of relax, even for a little while.” <em>And for Lolo’s birthday but if I say anything in front of Virgil he might tell Logan.</em> </p>
<p>“He did. And it sounds wonderful.”</p>
<p>Patton bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. “It’s going to be so exciting having a roommate and someone my own age at the house.”</p>
<p>“I’m like a year older than you Patton.” Virgil said, slinging his backpack over one shoulder.</p>
<p>“That’s nothing. We’re still in the same grade so we’re basically the same age”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say, Pat.” There was a small smile forming on Virgil’s lips. </p>
<p>“Are you ready to go?”</p>
<p>“I am.” He turned to look at Roman. “Thank you Princey. For everything.”</p>
<p>“You’re very welcome Virgil. I’ll still be here in you need anything.”</p>
<p>“Likewise. See you tomorrow then.”</p>
<p>“Until then my wonderful subjects.” Roman said with a smile, striking a pose.</p>
<p>“I take it back, I thank you for everything but that.”</p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but smile proudly at the two boys in front of him. “See you tomorrow kiddo!” He said as he and Virgil walked out of the house. </p>
<p>Virgil followed behind Patton. Despite everything he’d been through this was the first time he felt truly free. Staying with Roman was a reprise from everything, but now knowing that his father was going to be away from him, even for a while, made him feel weightless. He watched as Patton started the car and turned to wave at Roman. As Patton started to drive away he couldn’t help but look forward to his new future, for however long it lasted.</p>
<p>Patton woke up early in the morning as he often did. He stretched his arms over his head and smiled, happy for the new day. It was an extremely important day. It was the first morning that Virgil was staying with him as well as Logan’s birthday. Patton practically bounced off the bed and made his way to the closet. </p>
<p>The youngest boy pulled out two boxes. One contained a joke gift he was going to give Logan, which was cat ears that moved by the power of brainwaves. The other contained the real gifts of a periodic table shower curtain and a TARDIS cookie jar. Patton quickly wrapped the two up neatly, putting a note to open the one containing the gag gift first. Once that was completed, he quietly tiptoed downstairs so he wouldn’t wake Virgil so he could start breakfast.</p>
<p>Patton didn’t need to worry however because when he reached the bottom of the stairs he noticed Virgil sitting up on the couch. “Morning, Virgil.” He said softly. </p>
<p>Virgil’s eyes shot up, fear clear in them until they landed on Patton. Recognition crossed the emo’s face and he visibly calmed. “Oh. Morning Pat.”</p>
<p>“Are you okay, kiddo?” Worry ran though Patton like a racecar. The fact that Virgil was so terrified of someone saying good morning to him broke Patton’s heart. A lot of things Virgil was doing was breaking his heart.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Virgil lied. When he noticed Patton’s look of ‘don’t lie to me; I see straight through you’, he sighed, knowing that he’d be better off with telling the truth. “Didn’t sleep well. Still sort of worried that your family might change their mind. And just worried.”</p>
<p>Patton furrowed his eyebrows but continued to walk into the kitchen. He knew what Virgil meant by saying ‘just worried’ but he wasn’t surprised. That’s a part of the reason for the lunch today. A way to get Virgil’s mind off of things, even for a little while. “Virgil, they wouldn’t do that. They’re not that kind of people… but I understand the fear. Tell you what, why don’t we make a quick breakfast, and then we can get ready to meet with the others? I wanna tell the people at the restaurant that it’s Lo’s birthday before he gets there.”</p>
<p>Panic crossed Virgil’s face as he shifted on his makeshift bed. “Today’s August 31st? Fuck.. fuck! I didn’t finish his present,” Virgil’s hand flew to his hair to tease on it. “He’s going to be so fucking upset. Fuck.”</p>
<p>“Language.” Patton said firmly, still standing in the kitchen. “But,  it’ll be okay, my friend. We can stop on the way and pick him up something from you if you want. He would never hate you, especially over forgetting a gift with everything else going on,” He took a small step toward Virgil, but there was still plenty of space between the couch and where Patton stood next to the kitchen island. “It’ll be ok.”</p>
<p>Virgil tried to bring his panic back in check. He knew that Patton was right, but that didn’t stop the guilt from rising up in his chest. He’d never forgotten to buy, or finish making, Logan something for his birthday since the two became friends. You fucked this up too Virgil. His mind started to play. <em>Logan’s going to hate you. He’s going to tell Patton that you’re a horrible friend. You fucking ruin everything, Virgil.</em></p>
<p>Patton saw Virgil slowly start to spiral down, but he had no idea what to do. Since the older didn’t like to be touched much, and the younger comforted mainly through touch, the two were at an impasse. In an attempt to calm Virgil’s fast-running brain, Patton sat down next to Virgil. He hoped the warmth and solidness of a person next to him was grounding to the older boy. He seemed to be right, as Virgil leaned toward Patton. He didn’t touch him, but there was definitely a move to get closer.</p>
<p>In an attempt to further calm his friend, Patton decided to do what he saw Logan doing sometimes in the midst of panic: ask yes or no questions. “Did you already start on something for Logan’s birthday?” Virgil made a noise of agreement. “Good. I’ll tell you what, do you want to get ready and we can stop at your house?” Another sound of agreement from Virgil. “We can finish the present and maybe get him a jar of Crofters on the way as an apology for not trying the delicious jam for so long?” Patton teased, but it wasn’t in a mean kind of tone. He knew now with Virgil’s dad arrested, he would be safe going back there. Plus, going back to a place that was the home of so much trauma would be easier with a friend by Virgil’s side.</p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle at that, the calm way Patton spoke mixed with the kind joking helped put him more at ease. “I think I’d owe him a lifetime supply of Crofters if that were the case. And… thank you. For coming up with a solution,” He was definitely calmer than before, but still was a bit shaky when he took in a deep breath. “I’m good at pointing out problems, but not really solving them.”</p>
<p>“No problem, kiddo. Now, where do you live again?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Virgil and Patton were already sitting at Logan’s favorite corner booth at the Corner Cafe when Roman walked in. Patton saw him first, since he was the one facing the door, and waved him over. Roman smiled upon seeing Patton, walking over quickly and sliding in next to Virgil. He placed the bright red, glittery gift bag on the floor by his feet. </p>
<p>“Greetings, wonderful citizens!” Roman declared. He must have been feeling better from his break down the day prior.</p>
<p>Patton giggled, his body wiggling in his seat as he did so. “Hi, Ro!”</p>
<p>“Uh, Princey?” Virgil asked, making a facial expression that was a cross between a sneer and one of being uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Yes, Yung-brutting?” Roman turned to face Virgil instead of Patton as he talked, using a pun off of the musician YUNGBLUD. </p>
<p>“Switch spots with me?” Virgil hated feeling trapped between the wall and Roman. He always needed a clear path of escape. It was one of the reasons he and Logan’s favorite booth was right next to the emergency exit. But now, Roman was blocking his path out.</p>
<p>Roman could tell that Virgil was feeling uncomfortable, even behind that sneer. Without a second thought, he made a sound of agreement and moved out of the seat. Once Virgil had moved out as well, he slid back into it. </p>
<p>Virgil sat next to Roman again with a small grunt, and an even smaller, “Thanks.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.” Roman all but whispered back to him.</p>
<p>“So, Roman, how was your morning so far?” Patton broke into the conversation, almost interrupting Roman, as he didn’t hear the exchange of thanks.</p>
<p>“It was wonderful. I had some toast with Crofters and an apple for breakfast.”</p>
<p>“So it made you look like even more of an asshole?” Virgil quipped. </p>
<p>“Language young man.” Patton chastised him.</p>
<p>At the same time, Roman made an offended noise, doing his signature mock hurt hand pose. It was, thankfully, quieter than normal though. He must have been avoiding attention at the moment, which made both people at the table happy. “Excuse you! And I understand that reference, but still, excuse you!”</p>
<p>Virgil could help but chuckle, but before he could respond Logan, walked up to the table with ‘Salutations’ on his tongue. His eyes immediately found the presents under the table, which made him crack a tiny grin. </p>
<p>“Hi, Lolo!” Patton said as he stood up and hugged the other. “Happy Birthday.”</p>
<p>Logan gently wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, still not completely comfortable with just how affectionate Patton was. He hugged back anyway because he would do anything for Patton, even if the touch was still a little too white-hot on his skin. “Thank you, Patton.”</p>
<p>Virgil could tell that his friend wasn’t completely comfortable with the exchange. While he didn’t know a lot of Logan’s past or the reason why physical signs of affection were so odd for him, he understood. That’s why most of the time the two would do hand touches to show the care or concern. Actually, that’s how Logan putting his hands firmly on Virgil’s shoulders to help ground him started. </p>
<p>“What’s up, Pocket Protector?” He asked as Patton slid back into the booth, scooting over far enough for Logan to join him. </p>
<p>“Nothing truly,” Logan answered as he sat. “It has been a mostly peaceful morning, though I had overslept which will throw off my circadian rhythm until I am able to correct it.” He noticed that Roman had a confused expression. “Simply put, I will need to fix my sleeping and waking schedule.”</p>
<p>“Ah. Thank you for not expecting us all to be nerds and understanding that.”</p>
<p>Logan rolled his eyes as Patton giggled. “Well, it’s your birthday. You’re allowed to do what you want today.”</p>
<p>“Honestly I wish for a peaceful, relaxing day among friends.” </p>
<p>“I think we can manage that one for ya Lo,” Virgil said, knowing that Logan’s life had been thrown into chaos lately. “Let me take a wild guess what you’re getting. Cuz it’s not like you’ve ever gotten it before.” There was a playful yet knowing smirk on Virgil’s lips. Logan rarely differed in his order since he found his favorite. </p>
<p>Logan couldn’t help the fond smile that tugged on his lips. “You’re correct.”</p>
<p>“What is it you normally get, Lolo?” Patton asked, curious. </p>
<p>“Eggs Benedict with an English muffin on the side.” Both Logan and Virgil said in unison. </p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help the loving giggle that escaped him. “Well, that sounds eggcellent.”</p>
<p>Roman chuckled at the pun while Logan playfully rolled his eyes. “What are you going to get, Pat?”</p>
<p>“I’m gonna get the strawberry pancakes with extra strawberries! What about you, Ro?”</p>
<p>“I’m not entirely sure. The spinach and cheese scramble doesn’t sound too bad.”</p>
<p>“Nothing this place has is bad.” Virgil assured him. </p>
<p>Roman nodded. “What about you?”</p>
<p>“Half an order of french toast and a side of hash browns.”</p>
<p>“Is that enough food for you kiddo?” Patton asked worriedly. </p>
<p>Virgil nodded. “It’s plenty of food.” </p>
<p>“If you’re sure.”</p>
<p>“It’s his normal order and he occasionally has a few bites left on his plate.” Logan reassured his Heart.</p>
<p>When the server came, the four ordered their food as well as their drinks. Logan and Virgil got a cup of coffee, Roman a cup of green tea and Patton a hot cocoa with whipped cream. Once that was taken care of, Patton pulled out the joke gift. “Happy Birthday, Lo.” </p>
<p>“Thank you, Patton.” Logan gingerly took the gift and unwrapped it. He had a look of intrigue and surprise as he pulled the present out. “I-I am at a loss for words Patton. It’s definitely… unique. I’m curious as to how it works. How exactly it reads one's brainwaves to know how the mechanical ears should react is interesting.” </p>
<p>“Great cheese pastry he likes it.” Roman’s awe was clear in the tone of his voice. </p>
<p>“It is a gift I was not expecting but I am curious about it.”</p>
<p>Patton’s smile widened. “Actually I got you another gift too. This one was a joke gift. I’m really glad you like it though.”</p>
<p>Logan’s mouth dropped open. “You mean to tell me this isn’t a cunning plan to get me to understand your love of cats?”</p>
<p>Patton giggled. “No. But you should learn to love cats.” He handed the other gift over.</p>
<p>Logan opened it and smiled at the thoughtfulness. He had told Patton before that the curtain for his shower at the dorm was in dire need of being replaced. Also, it was amazing that Patton remembered his admiration for Doctor Who. An added bonus is he could put many of the Crofters thumbprint cookies in it whenever Patton made some for him. “Thank you, Patton. These are very well thought out gifts and I appreciate them greatly.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you like them Lolo!” Patton smiled widely. </p>
<p>“My turn Calculator Watch.” Roman pulled out his sparkly bag and slid it over to Logan. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Roman.” Logan hid his annoyance at all of the glitter that was falling on the table. One thing he noticed about the singer is his love for theatrics and flair. Carefully, Logan pulled out a set of thirty colored pens. Despite his preference for black pens, he couldn’t help but notice these were set in the color of the rainbow, going from dark red and slowly grading into purple by the end. They would be good for color-coding. Next, he pulled out a six-pack of highlighters. </p>
<p>The next item was a large pack of multi-colored sticky notes. Reaching further into the bag, Logan removed five different Washi Tapes. To his slight annoyance, two of them were glitter-based, but it appeared as if the glitter would stick to the tape and not fall on everything. The final item was a dark navy blue bullet journal. Curious about the color of the paper, Logan opened it. To his relief, he saw the paper was an off-white shade as the stark white of some made him more prone to headaches if he stared at it for too long. Despite his initial hesitancy, this was truly a well-thought-out gift. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Roman.” Logan said as he returned the items to the bag. “As much as the excessive glitter that is now on the table is infuriating, it is an extremely practical gift.”</p>
<p>“Well, I had to give some sort of excitement to the gift. Besides, anytime you see the glitter you’ll think of me.”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say.” There was a kindness in Logan’s eyes that Roman caught. </p>
<p>“So...um…” Virgil said, looking slightly unsure of his gift. He knew that it would mean a lot but that didn’t hide the fact he was worried Logan would be disappointed in it. “Here.” Virgil handed Logan a small box that is wrapped in the same paper as Patton’s. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Virgil.” Logan took it and opened it carefully. Inside was a heavy spiral notebook. The black covers were both plastic as opposed to the paper-thin cardboard material of most. Gently he opened the front cover to check the color of the paper, though he knew Virgil knew about how the color affected him. What he wasn’t expecting was to find writing on the front page. Carefully his eyes scanned over the first paragraph. </p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hey there Logan. This is Virgil in the past talking. From April 20th of 2018 to be exact, because you like to be exact. So anyway, in this notebook, I’ve written every memory I have ever made with you. Plus how I feel about them. It’s going to be a lot of fucking reading (and it will be kind of messy at times, you know my handwriting fucking sucks. And fuck I wish I could rip out pages but I can’t, they’re numbered) but I know that you can get through it. I know YOU, Pocket Protector. Just like you know me. And honestly? I’m glad I know you. And, thanks for being in my life. Fuck that was cheesy.’</em>
</p>
<p>Logan couldn’t help the tears that were forming in his eyes. Gently he took his napkin and dabbed his eyes under his glasses. He knew that Virgil must have had to save for weeks to be able to buy this notebook, but he didn’t care. The fact that he had taken the time to write all of these things down meant more to Logan than anything he could’ve gotten.</p>
<p>“Virgil…” </p>
<p>“I know its a little over the top, but you already have like 15 notebooks for notes, and I knew that one more fucking empty notebook wouldn’t be of any use--” Virgil was rattling off, not looking at Logan but instead at the table.</p>
<p>“I love it.” Logan managed, a small crack in his voice in the middle of the word ‘love.’ That made Virgil look up, which made him see the tears still welling in Logan’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Oh, shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”</p>
<p>“Just shhh and take the compliment, Virge.” Roman whispered from his spot in the corner. A small glance from both of the darker-wearing boys saw that he was smiling fondly. His hand was over his mouth as if he were trying to hide the smile. He loved being able to read upside down. And the fact that Logan had set the notebook flat on the table helped.</p>
<p>Patton silently passed his napkin to Logan once he finished reading the paragraph. It took all he had to not coo and squeal at the adorableness of what was written. Virgil had told him earlier what was in the notebook, but seeing Virgil’s heart painted across the page was a whole different story. </p>
<p>Logan nodded thanks to Patton as he turned and blew his nose. This moment proved to everyone who called him emotionless that they were wrong. Logan knew that he felt emotions; there was a barrage of them hitting him now. Undoubtedly, love was the one he felt the strongest. It was almost like he could feel the love that Virgil poured into his writing. </p>
<p>“I love it.” Logan repeated again once he got himself composed. “Honestly, Virgil. This is a wonderful gift and I... I look forward to reading it.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Virgil couldn’t keep the awe from his voice. </p>
<p>“Really.” Logan gently closed the book back up and slid it carefully into the box that also held the cat ears. “Thank you, Virgil.”</p>
<p>“You’re, uh, welcome Logan.”</p>
<p>Patton smiled widely at the little group of friends. It was clear that the four of them all cared for one another. His heart swelled with love as the food was brought out. He wanted to hug them all close to him and never let go. However, with the table between them all, it was impossible to do. What was possible was for him to gently hug Logan’s arm in a show of love. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Patton.” Logan said gently as he took a sip of his coffee. </p>
<p>“You’re welcome Lolo.” </p>
<p>The four friends ate in mostly silence, just enjoying one another's company. Logan found the peacefulness to be helpful for Virgil which was an added bonus. The young emo was relaxed for the first time in a few months. Logan would cherish this time forever. He just hoped that the calm would last. </p>
<p>And then, the calm did not last.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. twenty two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>content warnings: talk of parental abuse, court hearing, mild panic, self-deprecating thoughts, cursing</p>
<p>this is technically the last chapter but there's some bits and bobs still left</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Court is recessed until the jury has reached a verdict.” The judge said, banging his gavel down once. </p>
<p>Virgil stood and hurried out of the courtroom, his anxiety starting to kick in. <em>This isn’t going to last. This peacefulness because you’ve been free from him will not continue. Virgil you fucking idiot why did you think this was a good idea? How could you let Logan talk you into going to the police? He’s going to be set free and you’ll be dead by the end of the day once he is. Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! FUCK!</em></p>
<p>“Virgil! Virgil,” Logan’s firm voice broke through the dark thoughts flying through Virgil’s head. Logan gently but firmly put his hands on the other's shoulders. “It will be alright.” </p>
<p>“How do you know that?” Virgil couldn’t help the slight tremor in his voice. </p>
<p>“There is an extreme amount of evidence against him. There is an infinitesimal chance that he will be set free. And before you say anything I am using it correctly, to mean very small, in this instance.” </p>
<p>A very faint smile tugged on Virgil’s lips. “Nerd.” </p>
<p>Logan smiled as his honorary brother. “You love me anyway.”</p>
<p>“I do.” Virgil felt calmer talking to Logan. He didn’t know why but the older boy always managed to calm him down but he was always grateful for it. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“You’re very welcome, Virgil. Virgil, shall we meet up with the others? Both Patton and Roman looked distressed as you exited the courtroom.”</p>
<p>Virgil nodded. “Do you really think he won’t be set free?”</p>
<p>Logan thought about it for a moment. “I’d say the chances are 1 in 1.46 million he’d be set free. I’d say the odds are well in your favor he’ll be sent to jail.” </p>
<p>“If you’re wrong I’m going to haunt you.” </p>
<p>“I am hardly ever wrong.” </p>
<p>Virgil raised his eyebrow. “Would you like me to make you a list of the times I know about Pocket Protector?”</p>
<p>Logan cleared his throat. “That would not be necessary.” </p>
<p>Virgil couldn’t help but chuckle as the two walked to catch up with Roman and Patton. Roman was pacing slightly along the hall, talking to Patton. Patton noticed the two first and got Roman’s attention long enough to point it out. Roman turned and nearly rushed to hug the lanky boy. </p>
<p>“Are you okay, Virgil?” Roman asked instead. </p>
<p>“I am now.” </p>
<p>“I’m glad. I’m really glad.” Relief was clear on Roman’s face. “Why don’t we go back to my place and watch some movies until we have to come back here? Something to get our minds off of it, at least for a little while.” </p>
<p>Patton clapped as his eyes brightened at the idea. “I think that’s a great idea Roman! There’s nothing a good Disney movie can’t fix.” </p>
<p>“I believe there are several things that a Disney film cannot correct Patton. For instance-” Logan began before being cut off. </p>
<p>“Actually.” Virgil said. “I’d like to go watch a Disney movie.” </p>
<p>“Then it is settled!” Roman exclaimed, striking a ridiculous pose; which got a laugh out of Patton and an eye roll from Logan and Virgil. “We shall head to my place at once.”</p>
<p>The four made their way down the hall and out onto the courthouse steps. Patton linked arms with Logan as they made their way down. Just as they reached the bottom step, Virgil’s phone rang. Virgil pulled out his phone and noticed it was his lawyer. </p>
<p>Concern etched itself into his face as he answered the phone. “Hello?” There was a pause. “Already? Okay, I’ll be there.” </p>
<p>Logan, Roman, and Patton shared a concerned look. If the jury was already done deliberating that meant one of two things. Either the evidence was so compelling that there was no doubt in their minds that Virgil’s father was guilty, or the defense was able to twist all of that evidence to cause the jurors to have no doubt in their heads that Virgil was wrong. All of them were strongly hoping for the first one as they climbed back up the stairs once again. </p>
<p>Virgil’s hope was quickly overshadowed by his dark thoughts once again. <em>They don’t believe you, Virgil. That’s why it was so quick. You’re just a kid, what the fuck do you know? They probably think that you’re just over-exaggerating. You’re just some fucking punk kid who doesn’t like his father. They’re going to set him free and he’s going to kill you the moment he finds you alone.</em> His nerves didn’t stop when he opened the door and walked back into the courtroom. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Virgil was sitting next to his lawyer as the jury came filing back in. He couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere but at the table in front of him. One hand was playing with the trusty string in his hoodie, the other in his other pocket. He was still shaking horribly, even worse so that he could feel the eyes of the jury on him. If the verdict was guilty his father would be put in jail. For how long, he didn’t know. However, if it came back guilty, Virgil knew that his father would kill him whenever he got out of prison. It would not be a swift death. The thought made a small whine escape his lips. </p>
<p>Behind him, Patton, Logan, and Roman sat together. Patton was in the middle, holding one of each boy’s hands. All three knew how important this answer was, but they also knew just how anxious their friend had to be. It took all Roman had in him not to jump over the small divider and hold his friend close. He wanted to protect Virgil and be there as a rock for him. Not being able to do that was harder than the wait for the answer.</p>
<p>There were so many emotions filling Virgil, he was surprised the whole room couldn’t feel them. He was extremely anxious, which was no surprise. This verdict meant the difference between life and death to him. He also felt some pride. He was still proud that he was able to pull through all the hardships so far to get to this point. Virgil felt that his mother was looking down at him, proud as well. </p>
<p>There wasn’t a moment he missed her more than right now. She’d be sitting next to him, holding his hand reassuringly. She would softly tell him that it would be alright. She would remind him that he did the right thing. Virgil had to close his eyes and take a deep breath to stop himself from crying. </p>
<p>The judge returned the verdict to the lead juror. “Has the jury reached their verdict?” His voice broke through Virgil’s inner dilemma. </p>
<p>The ever trusty string inside his jacket pocket broke.</p>
<p>“We have your honor.” The juror answered. “We the jury find Mr. Sanders guilty for attempted murder in the second degree, guilty of child abuse, and guilty of battery.”</p>
<p>“The jury found the defendant guilty on all accounts. Jurors thank you for your time. You are all excused.” The judge hit the gavel.</p>
<p>Virgil slumped in his seat, relief clear on his face. He still couldn’t look up at his father as he was taken from the room. Logan noticed that Patton and Roman were bouncing with happiness. He also knew that such a sharp change of emotions wouldn’t be good for Virgil’s well-being. After a moment he made a decision. Logan leaned over the railing and whispered something in his ear before ushering the other two out of the courtroom with everyone else. </p>
<p>“Why are we leaving Virgil in there Lo?” Patton asked as he walked out of the courthouse. </p>
<p>“I believe that he needs a few moments alone. It has been a long and strenuous period for him. Let him work through his emotions.”</p>
<p>“But we can help him with that.”</p>
<p>“Indeed we can. But right now it’s something he has to figure out for himself first.” Logan squeezed his boyfriend’s hand as the trio stood on the sidewalk. He hated the media that were swarming about outside because it was another addition of anxiety for his friend, but he also knew that if Virgil was to be in Roman’s life it was something he would deal with often. </p>
<p>Roman had stayed quiet while Logan and Patton had talked. “I’m just glad that he got what was coming to him. Though even this is less than he deserves. That man is a monster.” The fierceness in his voice surprised all three of them. Roman took a breath to try and calm himself down. “I’m glad Virgil’s free of that.” </p>
<p>“I am too kiddo.” Patton squeezed Roman’s hand tightly. He looked up and saw Virgil on the top step. “Here he comes now.”</p>
<p>Roman turned around and saw Virgil. The younger boy had a huge grin on his face. This put Roman’s mind at ease as he smiled back. This was the first time that there was a smile, a full-on wide smile, on Virgil’s face. Normally it would be a sly little smirk or shy smile, but this one held more emotions than those ever did. Roman was so proud that Virgil came that far since they’ve known each other. He wanted nothing more than to cherish this moment forever. It was the first step to mending a lifetime of hurt. This smile meant more to Roman than the verdict did. This smile showed him that Virgil believed he was going to be okay. That he could be truly happy. Nothing would be worth more to Roman.  </p>
<p>Virgil ran as quickly as he could down the steps. Logan was able to pull Patton out of the way just before Virgil lept at Roman from a few steps up. Only Roman’s quick reflexes saved Virgil from falling and breaking something. He had managed to get one arm tucked under Virgil’s legs and the other around his waist despite needing to take a staggering step backward. The smile he saw on Virgil’s face must have been contagious because Roman suddenly found himself wearing the biggest smile he could.</p>
<p>Virgil didn’t know why he lept into Roman’s arms. He was so excited he felt as if he could fly. He wrapped his arms loosely around the older’s neck and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. Nothing could stop the smile that had formed on Virgil’s face. Knowing he was free from the pain and torture was the best feeling he’d had in a long time. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Princey.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome, Virgil.”</p>
<p>Both Virgil and Roman were so caught up in their emotions that neither noticed the paparazzi taking several pictures of the exchange. Logan took notice however and was glaring daggers at them. Patton gently squeezed his boyfriend’s hand. He knew just how protective Logan was of Virgil but it wasn’t something they could stop. </p>
<p>“Breathe, Lolo.” Patton said softly. </p>
<p>“I am breathing Patton. I would not be standing here if I was not.”</p>
<p>“You know what I mean.”</p>
<p>Logan sighed. “I do. I just hate how they are taking a personal moment like this and making it into a public spectacle. They’re people, not animals in a zoo.”</p>
<p>“I know.” </p>
<p>The youngest boy looked at his friends just in time to see Virgil lean his head down slightly. Roman lifted his chin to close the distance between his and Virgil’s lips. Fireworks did not ignite inside either of their heads. No, as their lips pressed against each other, there were no sudden realizations or spontaneous emotions. It was the last two puzzle pieces of the larger plot fitting together, silently telling the feelings both had harbored in their heart. Hate washed away as lips moved against lips, as arms tightened. All the joy, happiness, and love both boys felt flowed through that simple kiss. There was gratitude as well, both having helped shape each other in childhood for the worst or for the best. It was for being by each other’s sides today, helping them get out of the wrong thinking patterns they’d grown so accustomed too. It was a simple kiss, no wandering hands or parted lips, but it fit together two people who never thought it possible.</p>
<p>Patton couldn’t help but let out a happy little squeal. He smacked Logan’s arm excitedly, similar to how he does when there’s a cute puppy around. Logan softly chuckled at the younger boy’s excitement but smiled fondly at the two in front of him. It was nice to see Virgil coming out of his shell. At that moment, Logan was reassured yet again that Roman was good for his best friend. </p>
<p>The kiss lasted for several seconds. Eventually Roman had to pull away to catch his breath. He kept his face close to Virgil’s. “You’re a wonder, my emo nightmare.”</p>
<p>Virgil’s heart jumped slightly. Roman had called him ‘emo nightmare’ before but this was the first time the word ‘my’ was attached to it. For the first time, there were no dark thoughts telling Virgil it was all a lie. Or if there were, Virgil was ignoring all of them. He knew just how much Roman cared for him, even loved him. That’s all that mattered at that moment. </p>
<p>“Likewise, my Sir Sings-A-Lot.” A playful smile showed on Virgil’s face. </p>
<p>Roman gently put Virgil down onto his feet. Patton came over and hugged the lanky boy tightly. Virgil returned the hug with just as much feeling. He was truly blessed to have such amazing people in his life. Despite everything, they stuck with him. Logan came to stand next to Roman, watching his best friend and boyfriend hug.</p>
<p>“You did good, Nerd.” Roman told Logan. “Without a lot of your data going back to even before Virgil and I started speaking it might have ended differently.” </p>
<p>“Do not sell yourself short Roman. It’s because of you that any of this actually occurred. Virgil never would have told me about what his father attempted to do. You play a more integral role than you know.” Logan turned to face him. “However…. If you break his heart, I am not responsible for your injuries.”</p>
<p>“Don’t get too ambitious. The same goes for Patton.” Roman stuck out his hand to Logan for a handshake, initiating solidarity between the two. They didn’t know each other well, but their respective best friend was in love with them, so both were ready to deepen their acquaintanceship.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Logan finalized by grasping Roman’s hand, shaking it once firmly before letting go. Maybe one day they’d be more than their best friend’s boyfriend to each other, but they were content enough with their dynamic now.</p>
<p>Patton finally let go of Virgil. “We should go have lunch somewhere to celebrate! This is a big win for you! And of course Logan and Roman deserve a <em>Patton</em> the back for all their hard work.”</p>
<p>Roman chuckled while Logan and Virgil groaned playfully. “I propose we let Virgil choose where to go. After all, this is his celebration.”</p>
<p>“I agree!” Roman said as he stood next to the emo, wrapping an arm around his waist. He ignored the faint clicks of cameras behind them. </p>
<p>“I’m not sure where to go...” Virgil confessed as he pressed into Roman’s side. It was warm, comfortable, here. </p>
<p>“If you’d prefer we can go for a walk while you decide,” Logan suggested as he moved to do a similar position with Patton, accept with his arms around Patton’s shoulders. Patton didn’t press in, but the smile on his face grew.</p>
<p>“I-I’d like that.” Came Virgil’s response, beckoning the quartet to start walking in the opposite direction of the flashing cameras. Virgil was so elated at this point, so infatuation by the warmth of Roman’s arm around his middle, that he didn’t notice them.</p>
<p>Patton squealed slightly. “Maybe we can do a picnic in the park! I mean if you want to Virgil.” </p>
<p>“If you want to go somewhere else today we can always do a picnic later.” Roman said to reassure both Virgil and Patton. “Maybe one for dinner and then Virgil and Logan can show us different constellations.”</p>
<p>“That actually sounds peaceful. Who are you and what have you done to Roman?” Virgil teased, kicking a loose stone that was on the stairs. He didn’t question how it got there. </p>
<p>“I’ll have you know I can be very peaceful thank you very much!” Roman mocked hurt but didn’t move his hand like he usually did. That hand, after all, was preoccupied with holding Virgil’s hip.</p>
<p>“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”</p>
<p>Patton and Logan followed the others, Logan’s arm still comfortably draped over his Heart’s shoulders. Despite this not being his moment to shine, to speak out about his glee for Virgil, Patton’s heart was full of love for his best friend and his newer friend. He hoped the two of them would stay together happily forever, as cheesy as that sounded. The kiss earlier showed just how much they loved one another. He also realized that it might take a lot of work on their part, considering their history, but he was rooting for them.</p>
<p>For now, with the sound of cameras behind them, and feet leading toward who-knows-where, Virgil finally had a sense of finality, a sense of peace, in his heart. Warm. Content. Wanted. Happy. Four words that four boys never thought they could say they felt. But as they huddled together, all having deep-running connections to one another, Virgil didn’t feel afraid anymore. No one did.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. secret chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>summary: logan and patton have a conversation that logan decides needs to happen, despite his fear in doing so</p><p>content warnings: talks of sexual abuse, slight panic</p><p>this takes place slightly after chapter seventeen but other than that i have no idea when it is</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Patton?” Logan paused his hand that was carding through his love’s hair momentarily. He shifted awkwardly on the bed, suddenly a little uncomfortable at their cuddling position. He loved the touch that Patton provided, and the white-hot burning on his skin whenever he touched him was gone now. Still, the fact that Patton was currently laying in between Logan’s legs with his head on top of his stomach was making him uneasy. Especially with what he was about to talk about. Logan started playing with the ginger curls in his fingers again.</p><p>“Yeah, my lovely nerd?” Patton--sweet, sweet Patton--responded innocently, eyes still closed in relaxation. He loved having his hair played with, and Logan was happy to comply, but it put him in a state where he didn’t notice some things he would normally. </p><p>“Now that… now that we are dating, seriously…” Logan trailed off for a moment, gulping worriedly. He shifted again but was met with more discomfort. Patton noticed this movement and the apprehension in his voice. To hopefully make his boyfriend more comfortable, he shifted out of their cuddling position.</p><p>Logan was intensely grateful that Patton sat up and moved out from in between his legs. This allowed Logan to pull one leg up to his chest and move the other over slightly so that he felt more covered. He was emotionally vulnerable. It always felt better to be less physically vulnerable when his emotional state was out in the open. Patton didn’t seem to mind this change, either. He sat criss-cross on the bed a few inches away from Logan, but the two weren’t touching anymore.</p><p>“What is it, love?” Patton’s voice was warm like honey, smooth as silk. It gave Logan a reason to be brave.</p><p>“I'm sorry if I’m worrying you… but,” Logan took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “There’s something I need to talk to you about. It’s just… hard to get out.” </p><p>In that moment, Patton almost thought that Logan was going to say that he didn’t love him anymore, but that was debunked fairly quickly. The older’s hands were gripping at the comforter below them in a white-knuckle grip. His face was screwed up in concentration, a small sweat at his hairline forming. His breaths were shaky, and upon another look at his hands, they were too. Logan had to confess something, but it wasn’t about Patton. His actions and closed off body position told the psychology-loving student that. </p><p>“Take your time.” Patton softly smiled up at his still taller boyfriend, eyes brimming with love. When he opened his eyes, that put Logan even more at ease.</p><p>“There’s a reason why I… didn’t enjoy touch before I met you,” Logan started, moving his gaze to pick at the sheets. “You probably already knew that, and might have been… theorizing as to why. That might be an only me thing, though.”</p><p>“It’s okay. I do it too sometimes, but… You don’t have to tell me, LoLo. I won’t judge you, but you don’t have to tell me.” The younger wanted nothing more than to cling onto Logan at that moment, and to comfort him, but he acknowledged that move might not be the best idea for his well being. </p><p>“No, I want to, I’ve just never told anyone before. Not even Virgil,” Patton suddenly felt very special and very loved. Any remaining doubt was thrown out of his mind. Logan continued, but wasn’t looking at Patton anymore. “When I was thirteen… I was in a relationship with- with… with,” Logan let out a huffing breath. “I’m not going to name him… I- I can’t.”</p><p>Patton scooted a little closer to Logan but made sure not to touch him. If he wanted touch, he could initiate it, but the younger knew that the older needed his presence right now. Whatever was going to be said next--Patton had a few guesses at this point--was hard to talk about. It must have been hard to think about, too. Patton would be there for Logan through it all, though.</p><p>“He was… two years older than me, but I didn’t see the problem with it. I thought I was mature enough. I thought… I thought I was strong enough, but…” Logan was getting choked up. His next words were clogged in his throat, so much so that he had to force them out with a dry sob. “But I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready. He didn’t… he didn’t like that I wasn’t ready, so he <em>made</em> me be ready.”</p><p>It was taking everything in Logan’s willpower not to break down and sob right then and there. He needed to be strong, mostly because that was all he was ever taught to be. Emotions were not his thing, but he certainly had them. He had too much of them if he was being honest. Like right now. There was no logical reason why he was so emotional at the moment, yet here he was, on the verge of tears. Patton placed his hand so it was in his limited field of vision, letting him know that he was still there for him.</p><p>“He told- he told me it was normal. Normal for me to… to… hurt that badly. He told me so many… awful things and- and he did so many awful things that… that…” Logan moved one of his hands to grab onto Patton’s. The younger squeezed back, moving forward again so that their knees were touching. “He scarred me. Metaphorically and literally. And I let it happen for… for years because this was the one thing I wasn’t educated on.”</p><p>Patton could tell what Logan was talking about. It was beyond clear, but it was also clear that he was trying to push himself to say the actual words of it. “You don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say it.” He tried to reassure.</p><p>“Yes, yes I do, because if I don’t now, I know I never will,” Logan exhaled deeply again, another sob coming out. “He sexually abused me and <em>I let it happen</em>.”</p><p>There is was. And there it will always be. Right there, with Logan, forever. He never wanted to put this onto any other human being, but his boyfriend had the right to know. Patton had the right to know why he sometimes flinched away at touch, especially at night or on specific dates. He had the right to know that it would take years more to have Logan be comfortable with anything sexual in nature. It already took him so long to come to terms with the fact that it happened, he let it happen, and he wasn’t going to ever tell anybody. </p><p>Before he realized he was, Logan was weeping. Not only that, but Patton was still holding his hand, rubbing circles on the back of it. The last words he spoke rang in the air for a while more, the darkness of the room taking them and keeping them. The moon lamp on the bedside table was getting dim, with it the brightness of the room, but he didn't care. Neither of the boys did. All that mattered was how brave Logan was in that moment for admitting what happened to him to Patton. The younger couldn't have been more proud.</p><p>“Shh, it’s okay,” Patton started, not letting the amount of anger he was feeling towards the man who hurt his Logan seep into his comforting words, “I’m here, you’re here, and it’s just us. Nothing bad is going to happen to you right now, okay? I can’t protect you from your past, but I can try to protect you now, my love. I will be here with you to work through this and give it less power. I promise. I won’t leave you stranded here alone. I won’t.”</p><p>Both of the boys on the bed were surprised when Logan leaned forward and pressed himself into the nook of Patton’s shoulder. He was fully prepared to talk everything out to comfort his boy that way, but the physical touch was also an option. Patton moved his legs so that they were more out of the way. This lead Logan to move in closer to his boyfriend, and to wrap his arms around him. He clutched onto the back of Patton’s kitty pajamas, but the younger didn’t mind. He just loosely held the love of his life, soothing him with soft hushes and warm words. Patton held Logan that night, just like he held Virgil all those nights ago, and let his closed-off boy cry in his arms.</p>
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